The all-consuming TV series that takes over my entire life for two and a half months every summer kicks off its new season tonight. I'm so excited. I sort of wish I weren't as obsessed with this show, but even when I'm too cheap to buy the live feeds, I'm still constantly reading blogs to find out what's happening in the house at any given moment, and yes, I even watch After Dark on Showtime. I find it sort of soothing to watch before I go to bed or if I TiVo and watch in the morning. The boring, unedited conversations are like a lullaby to put me to sleep, or company while I'm getting ready for work.

Reno 911! broke my heart this season by firing Clemmy and Garcia, but I have to admit -- the show's still pretty funny. This season brought probably the best Terry scene ever ("I got murdered!"), and Joe Lo Truglio and Ian Roberts have been great additions to the cast. Still, though, the format is pretty tired. I haven't heard anything about whether or not the show is going to go ahead with another season after tonight's finale, but I kind of hope it doesn't. It's just time for this to end, I think.

Take one part Indiana Jones, one part Torchwood and basically the entire concept of The Librarian, and you've got this new SyFy series. You know that big warehouse the government stores the Ark of the Covenant in? Or the one Bob Newhart keeps Noah's Ark in? Yeah, that's where this show takes place, although it looks like most episodes will send a pair of mismatched but possibly lovestruck agents out into the field to track down various supernatural/mystical/technological items in order to bring them back and catalog them for storage. Exciting!

Oh man, tonight's Bachelorette sounds like it's going to be even grosser than usual. First of all, Jillian and Chris will be whisking the final four gents away to beautiful, romantic Spain! Then they'll each spend a day with Jillian doing random extreme sports and Spain-y activities, and at the end of each day, Jillian "will present the man with an invitation to spend the night in a 'fantasy suite,' with the hope that he will accept." I put that in quotes so that you could know I got it from the official press release. I did not make it up!

Tune your TV's to the Style Network... yes, that exists. They not only tell you how to be fashionable and how to keep your house clean, they are also the home of Ruby, the inspiring plus-size reality star. If you missed season 1, Ruby is a charming Southern woman struggling with shedding some pounds. At the outset of this journey she weighed 500 pounds, but when we meet her again at the start of Season 2 she's lost over 100 pounds through diet and exercise.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

With the recent apocalyptic weather, it'll be no surprise if Mother Nature decides to rain on our parade -- literally. To be safe, tune into the Macy's 4th of July Fireworks Spectacular (NBC, 9 PM) or the Boston Pops Fireworks Spectacular (CBS, 10 PM) and celebrate from the comfort of your couch. Bonus points if you can see them outside your window at the same time.

If you're feeling unpatriotic -- or you just really like Eli Stone (ABC, 10 PM), -- watch tonight as Jordan and Eli fight for the rights of three hundred wrongfully fired employees. So maybe it wouldn't be so anti-American to watch this one, after all.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

It's an emotional rollercoaster on tonight's season premiere of Ruby (Style, 8 PM). Ruby has lost 100 pounds, but her father's death could present an obstacle to her progress. But apparently a Rascal Flatts concert is just what she needs to keep on keepin' on. To each his own?

Luke Perry stars in the made-for-TV movie Angel and the Badman (Hallmark, 9 PM), and it's a Western. Need I say more?

On tonight's episode of Denise Richards: It's Complicated (E!, 10:30 PM) Denise enthusiastically stars in a video about her "funbags" for FunnyorDie.com. Oh Will Ferrell, your recent influence on the most random shows is truly a great thing.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Several storylines opened up in last week's episode of Make it or Break It (ABC Family, 9 PM), so tonight it'll be time to address the drama. Steve Tanner tries to get retired gold-winner Sasha Beloff to coach the Denver gym, Summer ruins Lauren's birthday dinner (you go, Candace!) and the girls from The Rock attend a wild high-school party. Here's hoping that one of them does a round-off into a keg stand.

And now for something new and different: Jackie breaks a bunch of rules tonight on Nurse Jackie (Showtime, 10:30 PM). But it's all in the name of helping patients, so that's okay, right? Mrs. Akalitus accidentally tasers herself, which sounds really funny but also kind of sad.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Tune into the premiere of 10 Things I Hate About You (ABC Family, 8 PM) if you don't care about the fact that this series probably has Heath Ledger rolling over in his grave.

It's no Family Double Dare, but The Great American Road Trip (NBC, 8 PM) could potentially provide some laughs. Watch the premiere tonight as seven families get their kicks on Route 66, starting with a clever challenge at Chicago's Wrigley Field.

Fantasy freaks and conspiracy theorists should check out the 2-hour premiere of Warehouse 13 (Sci Fi, 9 PM), a new series about two Secret Service agents who must keep track of supernatural objects for a top-secret U.S. government storage facility.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

The top 12 perform on So You Think You Can Dance (Fox, 8 PM) tonight. Let's hope someone's takin' a ride on the hot tamale train!

We don't know what's going to happen on tonight's Real World: Cancun (MTV, 10 PM), but we can bet that it will involve drinking and partying as this show tries desperately to out-drink the Vegas season.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Rumors abound regarding the themes and twists of season 11 of Big Brother (CBS, 8 PM). Have's and have-not's? High school stereotypes? Check out the premiere to see if the rumors are true!

Burn Notice (USA, 9 PM) returns after a week off with an exciting episode packed with spies, company secrets, and best of all, a mathematician!

Kat's tats are back tonight with the 3rd season premiere of LA Ink (TLC, 10 PM) and Aubry Fisher (Rock of Love) rocks the boat as the new shop manager. Probably not such a great idea to get on Kat's bad side, but what do we care if it makes for better TV?

Friday, July 10, 2009

Eureka (Sci Fi, 9 PM) returns tonight and picks up where it left off mid-season with Carter's layoff and Allison's pregnancy. Add new love interests and family drama, and it sounds like a good start to the summer season!

Look, I'm just going to be honest about this. I watched one episode of Raising Sextuplets, and while this show is supposed to be the non-soul-crushing alternative to Jon & Kate Plus Hate, it just isn't. First of all, having that many children is way, way too hard. It's just too hard! That premise will always be stressful to watch, no matter how functional the family is. The Table for 12 family is the most normal, loving family in the history of television, and it still raises my blood pressure to watch them simply try to prepare breakfast in the morning.

The Philanthropist takes its second step towards death tonight with a brand new episode, because it's summer and this is the quality of show we have to put up with during this time of year. For some reason. This week insufferable international playboy Teddy will be saving the good people of Myanmar, which is more widely known as Burma. Oh no! Burma is a war zone! Rambo told me in that movie where people threw babies in bonfires. So he'll probably get shot at, and maybe someone will try to throw him in a fire like he's a baby or something, but either way I'm totally not watching it. Lone upside, though: Jesse L. Martin is in this episode! I know some people were concerned about his special guest star billing in the credits, but the episode synopsis promises that he's not disappearing just yet. Which is great for the episode, but Jesse L. really deserves a better job, don't you think?