The Daytime Emmy Awards are not a very big deal, which is why they're airing on the CW and broadcasting out of the Orpheum instead of the Kodak, but that's not to say the show is without its entertainment value. For instance, Vanessa Williams is hosting and is going to be doing a choreographed dance with Gilles Marini. That's a thing, right? Who doesn't love Vanessa Williams? And if by very small chance you even know who Gilles Marini is, who doesn't have perfectly benign feelings towards him? Also, Sesame Street is getting a lifetime achievement award, and Big Bird and several other Sesame Street characters will be on hand to accept. Sure. All of this is perfectly harmless and minding its own business. Can't hate on that, and True Blood doesn't start until halfway through it anyway. Might as well.

The Daytime Emmy Awards air on the CW tonight at 8 PM.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

On the season finale of Being Human (BBC America, 9 PM), Mitchell winds up in the hospital after being attacked on his doorstep. Annie arrives to defend his honor, but George is torn between helping his friend and escaping to lead a normal life. Oh, okay. Good luck with that one, Mr. Werewolf.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

I can't really give you any good reason to watch the 36th Annual Daytime Emmy Awards (The CW, 8 PM), but I can tell you that Vanessa Williams is hosting, and that Guiding Light and Sesame Street will both be honored. Isn't it about time they moved this thing to the daytime where it belongs?

Futurama (Comedy Central, 9 PM) is back! For two whole hours! That's like four episodes in one! No really, it is. On "Into the Wild Green Yonder" parts 1-4, Leela joins a group of environmentalist feminists to save some primitive life forms trapped in an asteroid, and Fry wears tin-foil while trying to save the world.

Hey America, get it together and watch some Mad Men (AMC, 10 PM). This is the best show on television! Don't you want to see the writers amuse themselves while working overtime this week? You know there's bound to be booze and sexual innuendo involved. Maybe Peggy will even do her painfully awkward rendition of Bye Bye Birdie again!

Monday, August 31, 2009

The new season of Greek (ABC Family, 9 PM) is going to be so great! Casey is all alone, Evan is broke, Calvin hooks up with his roomie and Dale gets laid! It's like everything is finally coming together!

The last three contestants compete on the season finale of Dance Your Ass Off (Oxygen, 10 PM). Don't worry if you haven't been watching -- everyone knows the final weigh in is the most exciting part of the season anyway. Plus there'll be a lot less jiggling.

On the season finale of Weeds (Showtime, 10 PM), Nancy will have some decisions to make now that Esteban is back in the clutches of Pilar. Also, Silas helps Adelita with "a disturbing medical issue." Yep, all those drugs and much older "lovers" and rapey cohorts will getcha.

It's country's night to rock at the CMA Music Festival (ABC, 8 PM) with over 20 artists performing, including Taylor Swift, Kid Rock and a bunch of other hicks whose names I don't recognize. Don't forget to dress in theme!

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

On tonight's episode of Flipping Out (Bravo, 10 PM), Jeff lands a new client who happens to be a major Hollywood stylist. It's like they're begging us to speculate a Rachel Zoe crossover.

One character's plans go awry, another loses his cool, and the fifth season of Rescue Me (FX, 10 PM) goes out with a bang on this finale episode.

On this baseball-themed episode of Shaq Vs. (ABC, 9 PM), Shaq nicknames himself "Shaqqie Robinson." Seriously, it is about time someone gave this man his own show.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

This week on Top Chef (Bravo, 10 PM), the contestants must prepare a meal for the U.S. Air Force Thunderbirds squadron. Mmm, airplane food!

We were all pleasantly surprised to learn that we wouldn't have to wait an entire year for a new season of So You Think You Can Dance (Fox, 8 PM), but now we've even got something to tide us over in these few in-between weeks! "The Best Of" special airing tonight will feature the best dances of all the past seasons, so prepare to have your mind blown (again).

Marmaduke, Arkansas puts itself on the map this week with its Babes of Summer pageant on Toddlers & Tiaras (TLC, 10 PM), and the Sprinkle Sisters are "the triple threat to beat." Seriously, this might be the most fascinating show on television.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

We're not exactly sure what this week's challenge will be on Project Runway (Lifetime, 10 PM), but with the episode title "Rumble on the Runway," we're thinkin' maybe some hot girly boxing uniforms. Bring on the spandex and the sparkle!

Make sure you catch the almost-original-but-still-watered-down-for-America version of Skins (BBC America, 9 PM) now, before MTV takes it and makes it a lame shadow of what it once was. On tonight's episode, Freddie has lots of teenage angst, and finds that he needs to finally take control.

It's the two-year anniversary of Kat going sober, and she decides to celebrate with a new tat...on her sister. After all, nothing says family ties like a tramp stamp that reads, "My sister has been sober for this many years: II." Watch the eternal bonds forged tonight on L.A. Ink (TLC, 10 PM).

Tonight's episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta (Bravo, 10 PM) is called "My Ego is Bigger Than Your Ego." Not sure how this is different from any other episode, but as always, it sounds like exciting television.

Friday, September 4, 2009

It's a Friday night. It's also that awkward time between summer and fall. Basically, I'm telling you that there are no new shows on tonight. Really, nothing. But don't let that get you down! Snuggle up on the couch for four hours of 80s classics, starting with Flashdance (Oxygen, 8 PM), and then Can't Buy Me Love (Oxygen, 10 PM). Kinda makes you wish every night was an early September Friday night, huh?

On the eve of the season finale, we reflect upon the ups and downs of this season of Weeds: the sole up being Alanis Morissette's new role on the show, and the downs being... well, everything else. You might think I'm being harsh, but let me tell you, I'm not. This show has been borderline intolerable for three seasons now! And I'm here to tell you, dear Weeds addict, that you can tear yourself away -- well, not before tonight's finale, of course.

The breakout hit of 2009 has one more episode following concierge doctor Hank Lawson as he treats the rich and famous in the Hamptons on Long Island. Not surprisingly, the show was renewed for a second season, because apparently we can't get enough of rich people and their problems, which explains The Hills, 90210 and Gossip Girl. I almost wish this show would cross over with GG, if only because I want to see somebody give Chuck Bass a tracheotomy with a pen.

We know why you watch Leverage. It's not for the Academy Award-winning Timothy Hutton, or dreamy Angel alum Christian Kane. It's not for the great comedic timing or the elaborate con games. No, it's for the Star Trek: The Next Generation connection. Not only does computer hacker Hardison speak entirely in Star Trek and Star Wars references, but Jonathan Frakes ("Riker") has directed a few episodes of the show, and Brent Spiner ("Data") and Armin Shimerman ("Quark") even guest-starred in one of them. Well, get ready to beam directly to heaven for tonight's episode, because one of the guest stars is none other than Ensign Wesley Crusher himself -- that's right, celebrity blogger Wil Wheaton.

Sigh. We all knew this was coming. It's an episode that appears at least once in the life of every sci-fi show (not Syfy show, although that's probably not too far from the truth, either). It's the "evil version of the main character" episode: you've seen it on Smallville, Eureka and every incarnation of Star Trek. Not only does it keep the actors happy by giving them a different personality to play, it keeps the fans happy by showing the female characters acting like sexpots and the male characters being even bigger bad-asses.

"I die." "Shut it down." "Bananas." If you say any of these phrases, or know what they mean, you may be a Zoe-head. Which means you sucked up all six episodes of the first season of The Rachel Zoe Project, about Rachel Zoe, stylist to the stars, and wanted more. Well, it's back for a second season, and hopefully the new episodes will shut those bananas down before we all die, or something.

In the year 3000, the Miss Universe pageant will be won by a giant purple paramecium from Vega 4, but for now the competition is limited to Earth, which means that the winner will be one of the 84 competitors/swimsuit models from 84 different countries. Some of you will be tuning in to hear what these likely vapid ladies will have to say about current events, others will come primarily for the swimsuit competition, but you may want to watch just for the judges and the musical guests, who are a pretty motley crew this year. (We're assuming nobody is tuning in for hosts Billy Bush or Claudia Jordan of Celebrity Apprentice fame.)

Saturday, August 22, 2009

I wouldn't exactly call the college admissions process funny so much as completely torturous, but Acceptance (Lifetime, 9 PM) attempts to explore the comedic side of this rite of passage. Even though it stars comedy vets Joan Cusack and Mae Whitman (Arrested Development), this Lifetime movie will likely have plenty of drama, as usual.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

On the season finale of Merlin (NBC, 8 PM), Tom faces trial for treason after agreeing to help Tauren turn lead into gold. Sounds like somebody's got a case of the Midas complex.

Ahh yes, it's that time of year again. The 2009 Miss Universe Pageant (NBC, 9 PM) has arrived, and we might tune in for a bit because Flo Rida and Heidi Montag are performing! Not together. But that would be even funnier than that T-Pain and Taylor Swift bit at the CMT awards.

If you missed the Kourtney & Khloe Take Miami (E!, 10 PM) premiere last week, now's the time to play catch-up. This week, Khloe is a coke whore, and Kourtney is a lesbian whore! Except Khloe claims she's not a coke whore, and I don't think Kourtney is actually a lesbian. She could still be a whore though.

On tonight's episode of Mad Men (AMC, 10 PM), Roger makes plans for a wedding. Don't forget to make time between the first dance and cutting the cake to have sex with someone else in the bathroom! Betty's father visits, and hopefully he won't hit on her again because that was just creepy, even if he did have a stroke.

Monday, August 24, 2009

The Great American Road Trip (NBC, 8 PM) hits the brakes tonight as the last two families travel down Route 66 toward coastal California. Tune in to see if the DiSalvatore mobsters from Yonkers take out the Coote family in tonight's finale. I just hope nobody gets a speeding ticket.

The summer season of The Closer (TNT, 9 PM) comes to a close tonight, and I'm still on a roll with those finale puns. Oh, and Brenda collaborates with her Texan counterpart to track down a traveling serial killer.

Dating in the Dark (ABC, 9 PM) is over tonight, so we can all go back to being shallow again.

A full-day marathon leads up to the Make It or Break It (ABC Family, 9 PM) season finale, and it's time for Nationals! Since all the drama was exhausted in last week's episode (seriously, shit got REAL), tonight will be all about the sport -- that is, unless Payson overdoses on cortisone or Lauren starts to suck at gymnastics as much as she sucks at life.

The Rachel Zoe Project (Bravo, 10 PM) is back tonight for season two and it's time for the Golden Globes! Anne, Cameron, and Eva (we're on a first-name basis, of course!) all need fabulous dresses, but with this economy, there's a distinct lack of couture available. What's a celeb stylist to do?

Nurse Jackie's (Showtime, 10:30 PM) antics have kept us amused during this lackluster summer, so we'll be sad to say goodbye. The season comes to a close tonight with a midnight rendezvous, surprise bling, and a drunken escapade. Can't wait!

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

House of Jazmin (MTV, 10:30 PM) is a new show about a young fashion designer who put out her first line when she was a senior in high school in the 'burbs. Her little Sicilian grandmother is absolutely adorable -- oh, and the clothes aren't half bad, either.

If you agree that Shaq was forged by Greek gods, you might want to check out tonight's episode of Shaq Vs. (ABC, 9 PM), during which he'll team up with Todd Rogers in a beach volleyball challenge against gold medal Olympians Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh. Plus: Serena Williams will teach him about "the psyche of female athletes," whatever that means.

The Hell's Kitchen (Fox, 8 PM) chefs select the ingredients for their next dish by rolling the dice on a craps table, and one team's risky ingredient brings them the win. I wonder what it could be!

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Pairs of best friends, siblings, roommates and a married couple take to the racetrack on the series premiere of Crash Course (ABC, 9 PM), a Real World/Road Rules-like challenge, minus the drunken hookups and plus the backseat driving. And the best part is, you only have to tolerate each set of contestants for one episode!

You should watch the season finale of Michael & Michael Have Issues (Comedy Central, 10:30 PM), because a) I hear it's funny, and b) tweeting at M&M might be your one opportunity for 15 minutes of fame.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

The bold and the idiots come out to play tonight with the season premieres of Rob Dyrdek's Fantasy Factory (MTV, 9 PM), Bully Beatdown (MTV, 9:30 PM) and Nitro Circus (MTV, 10 PM). Tune in if you're into skateboards, ass-kicking and motocross, respectively. While you're at it, keep watching for the series premiere of Pranked (MTV, 10:30 PM). It's a new show about pranks, in case you couldn't figure that one out yourself.

On the season finale of Royal Pains (USA, 10 PM), the future of HankMed is threatened by Divya's arranged marriage and Evan's poor, perhaps scandalous performance as CFO. Watch and see if everything works itself out as usual or we're left with an end-of-season cliffhanger.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Tonight's episode of Psych (USA, 10 PM) is called Bollywood Homicide. Director Jay Chandrasekhar and cousin Sendhil Ramamurthy (Heroes) guest star, because, you know, they're Indian. What more do you need to know?

To make up for its trillion year absence, Lifetime is really going all out with Project Runway premiere night. Some of it is awesome (The All-Star Challenge) and some of it is probably a bad idea (that dumbass Models of the Runway show we're getting a whole season of). Let's discuss tonight's jumbo premiere -- this is very exciting!