I don't know why I like this show so much, but there's something just charming about it. I'm not even a big fan of Courteney Cox, per se. I mean, I liked Friends, but never her character specifically, and I hated Dirt. Anyway, the pilot of this show just made me laugh, even though I groaned at the title, and am still somewhat embarrassed to tell people that I like the show, since I have to use the word "cougar," which I really despise doing.

The Hills are alive... with the sound of Kristin Cavallari. I've personally not given her much thought since Laguna Beach ended, but apparently whatever loftier aspirations she had didn't pan out that well for her and now she's back in this fake-reality downward spiral.

In case you kinda lost interest last season after watching a few episodes of this show about Tim Roth spotting liars (like I did), there've been some changes at the Lightman Group. Mekhi Phifer played an FBI agent who joined the team after helping them with a case, Dr. Foster split up with her rat-bastard husband, and Lightman reconnected with his ex-wife, played by Jennifer Beals. ...I actually wish I hadn't missed those episodes, because they sound kind of cool. Anyway, all of these things are still in play this season, so now's as good a time as any to start watching again, beginning with the season premiere tonight.

The new season of Dexter is bananas. I had my doubts about the addition of a baby and the casting of John Lithgow, an actor I usually have little tolerance for, but Showtime sent us the first few episodes, and I am officially taking back everything I said. Lithgow is terrifying as Dexter's new rival serial killer, the baby isn't a problem at all (in fact, there is one scene in which Dexter sings him to sleep that is just the greatest thing in the world), Lundy is back bringing the awesome again, Deb is still with Anton -- things are great.

Is a made-for-TV Children of the Corn remake something to be considered necessary? Nope! But guess who has two thumbs and doesn't care? This guy! Because David Anders and Dualla from Battlestar are starring in it, and that's literally all I've ever needed to know about the thing to be giddily psyched for it. I'm not saying I'm going to stay in on a Saturday night to watch a crappy bastardization of a Stephen King story on Syfy. That would be crazy. What I am saying is that I'm going to set my DVR and watch the hell out of it early Sunday morning before anyone wakes up to catch me doing so, and then I'm going to deny it if anyone asks. What can I say? It's a Sark thing. I can't explain it.

Children of the Corn airs tonight on SyFy at 9/8C. I promise not to tell anybody you watched it.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Uh-oh. Things will go horribly awry for an unsuspecting couple driving through Nebraska in yet another TV remake of a Stephen King movie. Children in funny hats will do very naughty things in Children of the Corn (SyFy, 9:00 PM).

Megan Fox hosts Saturday Night Live (NBC, 11:30 PM) for the show's 35th season premiere. U2 will provide some music. And maybe we'll laugh for once.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

The Amazing Race (CBS, 8:00 PM) returns for a 15th season with the teams starting out in Japan. I already can't stand Lance -- he had this to say about his fiancée Keri in the cast intro: "You know, she's a woman, she's emotional." Shut it, Lance.

The Simpsons (FOX, 8:00 PM) will hang on for dear life in a 21st season, while the politically incorrect The Cleveland Show (FOX, 8:30 PM) and Family Guy (FOX, 9:00 PM) will place college boys under Seth Macfarlane-induced cardiac arrest.

Michael C. Hall will play double duty as a dad and serial-killing vigilante in the fourth season of Dexter (Showtime, 9:00 PM). Dexter may accessorize his drab killing uniform with a Baby Bjorn.

Desperate Housewives (ABC, 9:00 PM) returns for a sixth season. Drea de Matteo will play the latest housewife living on Wisteria Lane. Her character is Italian (shocking!) and has secrets (gasp!).

Monday, September 28, 2009

House (FOX, 8:00 PM) is looking good this season.

Tim Roth is a scary man. You'll be even more scared of him once he reads every nuance on your face in the second season of Lie to Me (FOX, 9:00 PM).

There are only two sure bets for hour-long dramas: cop shows or medical shows. Trauma (NBC, 9:00 PM) is a medical show. With explosions.

If you haven't seen it yet, the season finale of Hoarders (A&E, 10:00 PM) is something to catch. It's an honest look at people with very difficult compulsions.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

This week's episode of 90210 (The CW, 8:00 PM) is titled "The Porn King." Apparently, Dixon is hoarding porn in the trunk of his luxury sports car. Bad little rich boy.

If you care, Shark Tank (ABC, 8:00 PM) is in a new timeslot. It's pretty interesting to see how products we don't need make it into stores. My favorite was this guy who tried to pitch something called "Dream Water" to help people sleep. We already have that. It's called booze.

I never wished that I had been blind until I saw Tom Delay booty dance. Dancing with the Stars moves into a new timeslot (ABC, 9:00 PM).

Kristen Cavallari returns to The Hills (MTV, 10:00 PM) to stir the pot of SoCal stupidity. Spencer and Heidi will argue about whether they should spawn.

Like, double your brain cell loss with, like, The City (MTV, 10:30 PM).

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Hank (ABC, 8:00 PM), a.k.a. Frasier: Part Deux premieres tonight. Kelsey Grammer plays a fancy city dweller forced to live in a podunk Virginia town while "struggling to figure out how to mingle with the little people -- like his family." Ouch.

Wow! I didn't think there would be enough oblivious women left for a second season of I Didn't Know I was Pregnant (TLC, 9:00 PM).

The Middle (ABC, 8:30 PM) premieres tonight, starring Patricica Heaton as a middle-class mother living in middle America and heading toward middle age. The title worked out for this show.

Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Ruins (MTV, 10:00 PM) premieres tonight. I'm wondering if some of the series regulars (Wes, Adam, etc.) have some sort of a pension plan. No matter -- Chet from The Real World: New York will be back and rocking the bowtie.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

The penguin wedding featured in the second season premiere of Parks and Recreation (NBC, 8:30 PM) was pretty cute. This show is winning over my affection -- and I think I'll have to start calling tomatoes Soulja Boy Tell-'Em's.

Weird things continue to happen on Fringe (FOX, 9:00 PM).

Watch horrible, selfish people do horrible, selfish things. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (FX, 10:00 PM) is the perfect flavor of offensive.

Private Practice (ABC, 10:00 PM) premieres for a third season and will pick up in the aftermath of the attack on pregnant Violet.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Shockingly enough, 'Til Death (FOX, 8:30 PM) is coming back for a fourth season.

Stargate Universe (SyFy, 9:00 PM) will add to the popular franchise. A portion of an upcoming episode was filmed in Alamogordo, New Mexico. I went to Alamogordo in sixth grade for space camp. This can't be a simple coincidence.

Battlestar Galactica fans, it is time to get very excited. I don't want to spoil too much, but suffice it to say that Apollo and Helo are together again in tonight's Dollhouse. Also, we see first appearance of one Mr. Wesley Wyndam-Pryce (a.k.a. Alexis Denisof, for the non-Buffy obsessed). And the episode is pretty decent, too! So much stuff to geek out over. Joss really knows how to sucker me back in.

Danger! Danger! The end game for Lost is in motion, and ABC needs a disaster-causing, time-jumping, mystery-investigating epic saga to replace it, stat! Take a couple of Lost cast members (Dominic Monaghan, Sonya Walger) and a couple of talented film actors (Joseph Fiennes, John Cho), and give them a storyline where characters have to figure out why a disaster happened, prevent a nightmarish future from happening or keep themselves from dying before their predicted demise comes to pass. I think we've got ourselves a winner, boys, or at least a suitable wingman for Lost's final season.

I'm not sure exactly what you are looking for in a television show, but I'm pretty sure that it isn't this. I enjoyed the heck out of The Witches of Eastwick when I was younger, but it's already had one failed attempt at a TV version, so I'm not sure why they felt the need to try again. I like Rebecca Romijn probably as much, if not more, than the next girl (I sat through every single episode of Pepper Dennis), but this one is going to be tough for me. She's perfectly fine on this show, but the characters are terribly written. I don't particularly care for either of the other female leads, showkiller Lindsay Price (late of Cashmere Mafia) or Jamie Ray Newman (who has been driving me crazy on Eureka), but I know that they do have their loyal fans. Still, the show is a bit blah after the first episode, and given that the subject matter being dealt with is witches and the devil, you'd think it'd be more exciting.

If you like Hell's Kitchen, you might want to check out the female, pink-clad version of Gordon. Her name is Blythe Beck, and she's the executive chef of Central 214 in Dallas. She screams at some of her staff, including calling her sous chef Eric a monkey (instead of a donkey!). But mostly she's just raunchy and likes to say outrageous things in order to provoke people. She's plus-sized, hasa deep gravelly voice, is a strong believer in vodka therapy and hates all waiters... unless they're super-sexy.