Heroes is back. Now with 100 percent more circus freaks and lesbianism! The main reason that I'm subjecting myself to another season, aside from the whole glutton for punishment thing I've got going on, is that Robert Knepper (aka Prison Break's phenomenally creepy T-Bag) is going to be on. That dude kept me watching Prison Break long after it stopped making any sense at all.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Do you like paintings of flowers that are meant to represent vaginas? Then Georgia O'Keefe (Lifetime, 9 PM) may be a good choice for you. The biopic stars Joan Allen and Jeremy Irons as the iconic artist and her husband, Alfred Stieglitz. The cast alone proves once again that Lifetime is a force to be reckoned with.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

It's time to give out some more gold-plated statuettes: The Primetime Emmy Awards (CBS, 8 PM) will be hosted by Neil Patrick Harris. Hopefully Harris will put some life into this year's attempt at award show patter. (2nd option: Maybe Harris will put some life back into this flailing award show and snort some coke off of a stripper's ass.) 30 Rock leads with 22 nominations, while True Blood is nominated for its opening title sequence. Titles! They are good titles, but come on.

Perennially miffed Larry David returns to a 7th season of Curb Your Enthusiasm (HBO, 9:00 PM) with a Seinfeld reunion up his sleeve.

Jason Schwartzman comes to cable TV in Bored to Death (HBO, 9:30 PM), playing a pot-smoking writer who moonlights as an amateur detective. The perfectly awkward Zach Galifianakis and the always-awesome Ted Danson provide backup.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Break out your Capezio's and sequins -- Dancing with the Stars (ABC, 8:00 PM) returns tonight. If you consider Aaron Carter, Melissa Joan Hart and Tom DeLay to be stars, then you're permitted to do a happy-dance. I didn't mean literally. Okay, stop.

Will it ever end? Heroes (NBC, 8:00 PM) comes crawling back for a fourth season.

The beloved Barney Stinson and company return on the reliable How I Met Your Mother (CBS, 8:00 PM) for a 7th season.

House (FOX, 8:00 PM) will be heading up a psych ward this season. Crazy always makes for great TV.

It's common knowledge that if you're a woman without a baby by your mid-30s, you fail at life. Jenna Elfman carries a dimly-lit torch for baby-crazed older women everywhere and plays a film critic who gets pregnant by a much younger man (cougar alert!) in Accidentally on Purpose (CBS, 8:00 PM).

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

We're already rooting for Abby on The Biggest Loser (NBC, 8:00 PM). I'm hoping Jillian will go ahead and skip to the part where she has her team bench press her.

Great. Dancing with the Stars (ABC, 8:00 PM) is on two days in a row.

Chris O'Donnell finally emerges from whatever cave he's been hiding in since he donned a cape alongside Batman to star in a spinoff: NCIS: Los Angeles (CBS, 9:00 PM) premieres tonight. LL Cool J also stars and will lick his lips in between lines.

Julianna Margulies is finally poised for a post-ER comeback. Margulies kicks ass and takes names as the wife of a two-timing politician (Chris Noth) in The Good Wife (CBS, 10:00 PM).

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Mercy (NBC, 8:00) promises to be horrible. May JC have mercy on your soul if you watch this.

Modern Family (ABC, (9:00 PM) could be a success if people ever learn to love their family sitcoms without a laugh track. I'm talking to you, people who love Raymond.

Courtney Cox returns to TV in Cougar Town (ABC, 9:30 PM), which should redeem her for Dirt. Although the title is horrendous, Cox is back in good comedic form.

A special 200th episode of MTV's documentary series, The True Adventures of True Life (MTV, 10:00 PM) airs tonight. I could star in my own episode: "True Life: I'm addicted to watching True Life." No, seriously.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

In spite of it there not being a presidential election this year, SNL Weekend Update Thursday in Primetime (NBC, 8:00 PM) will air tonight.

FlashForward (ABC, 8:00 PM) is meant to be the next big thing in the "What the hell just happened?" genre. It even has Dominic Monaghan, freshly killed off from fellow mindbender Lost.

The preview for the season premiere of CSI (CBS, 9:00 PM) looks eerily similar to another Laurence Fishburne project. Men in black suits and sunglasses, bullets paused in mid-air... I can't really place it. Oh well -- I'm happy as long as they show dead bodies!

I don't subscribe to the Katherine Heigl hate club, but if you care about Lexie and "Sex Tape" McSteamy, Grey's Anatomy (ABC, 9:00 PM) is returning tonight.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Jennifer Love Hewitt and her bountiful bouncing bosom return for a 5th season of Ghost Whisperer (CBS, 8:00 PM). Who cares? Oh yeah, she has big boobs.

The latest Joss Whedon brainchild, Dollhouse (FOX, 9:00 PM), returns for its second season. We're hoping this one will stick around.

Medium (CBS, 9:00 PM) makes the move from NBC to CBS, giving the network a solid two hours of ghost shows. They have the goth teenage girl demographic cornered.

Even though I've only watched Numb3rs (CBS, 10:00 PM) once, I'm just glad knowing that David Krumholtz is getting steady work.

It's finally the season finale of Eureka! The split series means that this third season actually started more than a year ago. That's crazy! A lot has happened since then, and everything is culminating in tonight's episode, which is entitled "What Goes Around Comes Around," a fact which has put that Justin Timberlake song in my head for the last hour or so.

If you're expecting a lot to be resolved in tonight's Fringe premiere (in its new, awful Thursday night timeslot)... don't. It's a pretty disappointing premiere. There is some great Walter insanity (look at the picture!), a couple good "Holy shit!" moments, and the new FBI agent who is essentially replacing Charlie (though, oddly, Charlie is in the premiere, just being phased out, I guess) seems alright -- though completely unnecessary -- but other than that, not much from the insane season finale gets dealt with.

"This is a fake story ('Fake storaaayyy!') about a dozen-odd models picked to live in a house, who find out what happens when they stop being polite (if they ever were) and start getting fake. The Fake World!" That's as good a summary of this show as any, although America's Next Top Drama Queen and 90210 Tryout House are acceptable alternate titles, too. Having never seen Models Inc., which starred Carrie-Anne Moss and lasted all of 29 episodes before selling Moss' character into sexual slavery, I think this show is going to be pretty damn popular. After all, models are so hot right now. (Well, they're always hot, but... you know what I mean.)

Tonight there is something for everyone, no matter what their size.

First up, The Biggest Loser, where the contestants try desperately to lose a lot of unwanted pounds so that they can be thin, healthy and win some cash. The new season debuts tonight, with Daniel (the largest contestant ever, who was on last season), back again. But he's no longer the biggest contestant ever; there's a new titleholder -- Shay. She's starting off at 476 lbs, which means that Jillian and Bob have their work cut out for them this season, though supposedly they won't be split into teams with the trainers going head-to-head. Instead, they'll be working together to get their people in shape. Boring. Guess Bob was tired of losing all the time. Also, the contestants are solo this time around, though they will eventually get teamed up with strangers, but there are no families to contend with and no pre-existing couples at the outset.

It's Gossip Girl premiere night, motherchuckers! God, I've missed this craptacular show. As I'm sure you've gathered from the recent promos, Blair and Chuck are still in a whole bunch of love (I'm sure that'll change, but I can't help myself hoping that it won't), Nate's going to be in a whole bunch of love and/or full-on-warfare with the nanny from Privileged, Serena I guess spent the whole summer possibly hooking up with that bastard Carter Baizen because sometimes she isn't very smart, Blair's rooming with Georgina, and the Humphries went to The Hamptons with Rufus's sugar mama Lily and just loved it, despite their bohemian commitments. And everybody except Jenny is going to college!

It looks like all hell is going to break loose on the season finale of this addictive show, at least if malicious maenad Maryann has her way. She wants the still beating heart of one Sam Merlotte served up on a pretty little platter, preferably by Lafayette now that her manservant Karl has been killed. So that he who comes will either come (or not) and she can achieve her dream (or not). Hopefully this will be the end of the Maryann mayhem, one way or the other and maybe blissfully the end of Eggs too? One can only hope, I suppose. I'm not sure I want to see who, or what, hatches out of the egg. I'm already grossed out enough by the sculpture o' meat.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

The MTV VMAs (MTV, VH1 for some reason, 9 PM) are on tonight. Finally, someone publicly recognizes Twilight and the Jonas Brothers. And nothing else.

True Blood (HBO 9 PM) season finale time. You have no idea how badly I want Maryann dead. I hope it's the most unpleasant, most gruesome, merciless, undignified death in the history of television. I love Michelle Forbes, but I have hated that character with the fire of a thousand suns since day one.

Monday, September 14, 2009

One Tree Hill (The CW, 8 PM) is back, and the last time I insinuated that it wasn't a very good show I got some of the most violent hate mail I have ever received (which is saying something, believe me), so I'm saving my inbox the trauma and just -- yay!!! One Tree Hill, everybody! Best show ever! Who needs the stars of the show when you have all those other people for an entire season and hopefully a hundred more?!

Gossip Girl (The CW, 9 PM) goes to college this year. It very may well be the death toll for the show and that's all very upsetting and everything, but I'm thinking positive. Specifically, I'm thinking of Blair doing keg stands. Very positively.

The Jay Leno Show (NBC, 10 PM) premiere is also finally happening. Please don't watch it.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Premiere month is so great. The Biggest Loser (NBC, 8 PM) returns tonight, where it will continue to be the most satisfying reality show in the history of television. Plus, no couples this time! Each contestant is going it alone this year, and I'm psyched.

He's picking Malissa on More to Love (Fox, 8 PM). There's no question about this, right? Why are we even doing the finale?

I'm putting Shaq Vs. (ABC, 9 PM) in here pretty much just for Angel, who, despite his constant overt doucheness, remains loyal to her man Michael Phelps, who will be embarrassing Shaq in an Olympic-sized pool on tonight's finale. I hope someday we all find true love like that.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

The Beautiful Life (The CW, 9 PM) is probably going to kill Mischa Barton, and it's not even very good anyway, but it sure does premiere tonight!

Glee (Fox, 9 PM) boasts Josh Groban and Victor Garber (in a bowtie!) tonight. It's so precious I could die.

On tonight's Top Chef (Bravo, 10 PM) Tom will spit out food that Padma calls "disgusting." Padma spits out food all the time because she's a delicate princess (God love her), but Tom is made of steel. I have to know what this diabolical dish is.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Bones (Fox, 8 PM) sets out to make up for its terrible season finale last year with a brand new season of relentlessly quirky crime-solving.

Survivor: Samoa (CBS, 8 PM) is also back. This night is kind of out of control, as you'll soon see.

Parks and Recreation (Fox, 8:30 PM) returns tonight, and NBC executives have promised it will actually be funny this year!

Please, please, please watch Fringe (Fox, 9 PM) in its new, unfortunate timeslot. Don't let Fox kill another show I love.

I don't care about The Office (NBC, 9 PM) anymore, but I am aware that most people do. It's back tonight, Jam are spawning and getting married, it's all very romantic.

Community (NBC, 9:30 PM), and Joel McHale's acting in it, are both much, much better than I thought they would be. I wouldn't get too attached to it, though -- this thing has annoyingly early cancellation written all over it.

If you're not watching It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (FX, 10 PM), you should know that it's the funniest thing in the world. In tonight's premiere, Mac and Dennis pose as real estate agents and try to play good cop/bad cop with perspective buyers of homes they have no business pretending they have the authority to sell.

One of our British shows more people should be watching, the third season of Robin Hood kicks off tonight on BBC America, and it's a pretty angry episode, for reasons I'll leave until after the jump for those of you who are only now finishing up Season 2. But tonight's episode sees a big, crazy fight between Robin and Sir Guy of Gisborne, the Sheriff of Nottingham's second in command, and it also introduces Brother Tuck, who I guess is Friar Tuck as a rookie? Hit the jump for some episode details.