Sunday, September 13, 2009

The MTV VMAs (MTV, VH1 for some reason, 9 PM) are on tonight. Finally, someone publicly recognizes Twilight and the Jonas Brothers. And nothing else.

True Blood (HBO 9 PM) season finale time. You have no idea how badly I want Maryann dead. I hope it's the most unpleasant, most gruesome, merciless, undignified death in the history of television. I love Michelle Forbes, but I have hated that character with the fire of a thousand suns since day one.

Monday, September 14, 2009

One Tree Hill (The CW, 8 PM) is back, and the last time I insinuated that it wasn't a very good show I got some of the most violent hate mail I have ever received (which is saying something, believe me), so I'm saving my inbox the trauma and just -- yay!!! One Tree Hill, everybody! Best show ever! Who needs the stars of the show when you have all those other people for an entire season and hopefully a hundred more?!

Gossip Girl (The CW, 9 PM) goes to college this year. It very may well be the death toll for the show and that's all very upsetting and everything, but I'm thinking positive. Specifically, I'm thinking of Blair doing keg stands. Very positively.

The Jay Leno Show (NBC, 10 PM) premiere is also finally happening. Please don't watch it.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Premiere month is so great. The Biggest Loser (NBC, 8 PM) returns tonight, where it will continue to be the most satisfying reality show in the history of television. Plus, no couples this time! Each contestant is going it alone this year, and I'm psyched.

He's picking Malissa on More to Love (Fox, 8 PM). There's no question about this, right? Why are we even doing the finale?

I'm putting Shaq Vs. (ABC, 9 PM) in here pretty much just for Angel, who, despite his constant overt doucheness, remains loyal to her man Michael Phelps, who will be embarrassing Shaq in an Olympic-sized pool on tonight's finale. I hope someday we all find true love like that.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

The Beautiful Life (The CW, 9 PM) is probably going to kill Mischa Barton, and it's not even very good anyway, but it sure does premiere tonight!

Glee (Fox, 9 PM) boasts Josh Groban and Victor Garber (in a bowtie!) tonight. It's so precious I could die.

On tonight's Top Chef (Bravo, 10 PM) Tom will spit out food that Padma calls "disgusting." Padma spits out food all the time because she's a delicate princess (God love her), but Tom is made of steel. I have to know what this diabolical dish is.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Bones (Fox, 8 PM) sets out to make up for its terrible season finale last year with a brand new season of relentlessly quirky crime-solving.

Survivor: Samoa (CBS, 8 PM) is also back. This night is kind of out of control, as you'll soon see.

Parks and Recreation (Fox, 8:30 PM) returns tonight, and NBC executives have promised it will actually be funny this year!

Please, please, please watch Fringe (Fox, 9 PM) in its new, unfortunate timeslot. Don't let Fox kill another show I love.

I don't care about The Office (NBC, 9 PM) anymore, but I am aware that most people do. It's back tonight, Jam are spawning and getting married, it's all very romantic.

Community (NBC, 9:30 PM), and Joel McHale's acting in it, are both much, much better than I thought they would be. I wouldn't get too attached to it, though -- this thing has annoyingly early cancellation written all over it.

If you're not watching It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (FX, 10 PM), you should know that it's the funniest thing in the world. In tonight's premiere, Mac and Dennis pose as real estate agents and try to play good cop/bad cop with perspective buyers of homes they have no business pretending they have the authority to sell.