Saturday, September 26, 2009

Uh-oh. Things will go horribly awry for an unsuspecting couple driving through Nebraska in yet another TV remake of a Stephen King movie. Children in funny hats will do very naughty things in Children of the Corn (SyFy, 9:00 PM).

Megan Fox hosts Saturday Night Live (NBC, 11:30 PM) for the show's 35th season premiere. U2 will provide some music. And maybe we'll laugh for once.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

The Amazing Race (CBS, 8:00 PM) returns for a 15th season with the teams starting out in Japan. I already can't stand Lance -- he had this to say about his fiancée Keri in the cast intro: "You know, she's a woman, she's emotional." Shut it, Lance.

The Simpsons (FOX, 8:00 PM) will hang on for dear life in a 21st season, while the politically incorrect The Cleveland Show (FOX, 8:30 PM) and Family Guy (FOX, 9:00 PM) will place college boys under Seth Macfarlane-induced cardiac arrest.

Michael C. Hall will play double duty as a dad and serial-killing vigilante in the fourth season of Dexter (Showtime, 9:00 PM). Dexter may accessorize his drab killing uniform with a Baby Bjorn.

Desperate Housewives (ABC, 9:00 PM) returns for a sixth season. Drea de Matteo will play the latest housewife living on Wisteria Lane. Her character is Italian (shocking!) and has secrets (gasp!).

Monday, September 28, 2009

House (FOX, 8:00 PM) is looking good this season.

Tim Roth is a scary man. You'll be even more scared of him once he reads every nuance on your face in the second season of Lie to Me (FOX, 9:00 PM).

There are only two sure bets for hour-long dramas: cop shows or medical shows. Trauma (NBC, 9:00 PM) is a medical show. With explosions.

If you haven't seen it yet, the season finale of Hoarders (A&E, 10:00 PM) is something to catch. It's an honest look at people with very difficult compulsions.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

This week's episode of 90210 (The CW, 8:00 PM) is titled "The Porn King." Apparently, Dixon is hoarding porn in the trunk of his luxury sports car. Bad little rich boy.

If you care, Shark Tank (ABC, 8:00 PM) is in a new timeslot. It's pretty interesting to see how products we don't need make it into stores. My favorite was this guy who tried to pitch something called "Dream Water" to help people sleep. We already have that. It's called booze.

I never wished that I had been blind until I saw Tom Delay booty dance. Dancing with the Stars moves into a new timeslot (ABC, 9:00 PM).

Kristen Cavallari returns to The Hills (MTV, 10:00 PM) to stir the pot of SoCal stupidity. Spencer and Heidi will argue about whether they should spawn.

Like, double your brain cell loss with, like, The City (MTV, 10:30 PM).

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Hank (ABC, 8:00 PM), a.k.a. Frasier: Part Deux premieres tonight. Kelsey Grammer plays a fancy city dweller forced to live in a podunk Virginia town while "struggling to figure out how to mingle with the little people -- like his family." Ouch.

Wow! I didn't think there would be enough oblivious women left for a second season of I Didn't Know I was Pregnant (TLC, 9:00 PM).

The Middle (ABC, 8:30 PM) premieres tonight, starring Patricica Heaton as a middle-class mother living in middle America and heading toward middle age. The title worked out for this show.

Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Ruins (MTV, 10:00 PM) premieres tonight. I'm wondering if some of the series regulars (Wes, Adam, etc.) have some sort of a pension plan. No matter -- Chet from The Real World: New York will be back and rocking the bowtie.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

The penguin wedding featured in the second season premiere of Parks and Recreation (NBC, 8:30 PM) was pretty cute. This show is winning over my affection -- and I think I'll have to start calling tomatoes Soulja Boy Tell-'Em's.

Weird things continue to happen on Fringe (FOX, 9:00 PM).

Watch horrible, selfish people do horrible, selfish things. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (FX, 10:00 PM) is the perfect flavor of offensive.

Private Practice (ABC, 10:00 PM) premieres for a third season and will pick up in the aftermath of the attack on pregnant Violet.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Shockingly enough, 'Til Death (FOX, 8:30 PM) is coming back for a fourth season.

Stargate Universe (SyFy, 9:00 PM) will add to the popular franchise. A portion of an upcoming episode was filmed in Alamogordo, New Mexico. I went to Alamogordo in sixth grade for space camp. This can't be a simple coincidence.