October 31, 2009
Happy Halloween! In between handing out candy to grubby-handed children, tune in to Night of the Living Dead (AMC, 8:15 PM) and learn what real zombies are like.

November 1, 2009
The contestants take a "spooky trip to Holland" and one team must reveal a personal secret to the others on The Amazing Race (CBS, 8 PM). What's so spooky about Holland? Is it the windmills? I thought so.

At this point, are we even sure that Dr. Drew is a real doctor? Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew (VH1, 10 PM) premieres tonight. Unfortunately, the show does not feature any recognizable celebrities and there's no David Duchovny. Well, maybe that's a good thing.

I woke up today with a question lingering on my mind. Who will be dressing Kim Kardashian in the future? Styl'd: Fashion 101 (MTV, 10 PM) follows a group of young people trying to become celebrity stylists.

November 2, 2009
After Barney gives terrible relationship advice to Marshall, Marshall and Lily have a huge fight on How I Met Your Mother (CBS, 8 PM).

Reality TV just gets more and more sleazy. In the second season of For the Love of Ray J (VH1, 9 PM), we'll find out that the singer impregnated a contest on the show last season. Classy.

On the season finale of Greek (ABC Family, 9 PM), the Zetas break out in a highly choreographed dance routine. The very same thing happened in my British lit lecture once...there were a lot of stunted, awkward movements.

On The Big Bang Theory (CBS, 9:30 PM), irony takes hold and Sheldon teaches Leonard about football.

No bitchassness allowed. I Want to Work for Diddy (VH1, 10 PM) finds a second season's worth of unwitting victims willing to do Diddy's dirty work. And get him cheesecake.

November 3, 2009
In yet another revival of the classic miniseries and a TV series that failed the first time, V (ABC, 8 PM) will introduce us to the hot alien chick Anna, who is probably more evil than her cute pixie haircut shows.

Samantha Ronson guest stars as (gasp!) a DJ and Pharrell performs on 90210 (The CW, 8 PM). Also guest starring is Rumer Willis as Gia, who helps Navid investigate drug use at West Beverly High.

A year after the 2008 election, the HBO special By the People: The Election of Barack Obama (HBO, 9 PM) follows the President on the campaign trail.

Kathy Griffin dishes on her date with Levi Johnston, which probably sucked. Kathy Griffin: Balls of Steel (Bravo, 9 PM) marks her seventh stand-up special on Bravo.

A second season of Tabatha's Salon Takeover (Bravo, 10 PM) may make you never want to visit a salon again. Here's to hoping that Tabatha can repair all salons one clogged drain at a time.

November 4, 2009
Oh no! Poor Jules is challenged by her friend to spend an entire day by herself on Cougar Town (ABC, 9:30 PM). That's easy. Why doesn't she just sit alone blogging all day...oh wait.

The team on CSI: NY (CBS, 10 PM) will learn what food sploshing is. Hint: it's kind of sexual, and definitely gross.

In Flowers Uncut with Jeff Leatham (TLC, 10 PM), we'll learn all about the stressful world of floral arrangements.

Top Chef (Bravo, 10 PM) features an all-stars dinner tonight, and Stefan will start beef with Marcel.

November 5, 2009
On this week's Community (NBC, 8 PM), the gang finds out that Jeff is living in his car and wants to help out. Hopefully Jeff will be forced to live with Pierce and we'll find out what that old man does in his spare time.

Sam and Dean get sucked into an alternate universe in which they are characters in different TV shows on Supernatural (The CW, 9 PM). This is a total rip-off of the best John Ritter movie ever - Stay Tuned.

Following the disaster that was Stone Mountain, Georgia, auditions for a new TGS actor are held on 30 Rock (NBC, 9:30 PM).

More overgrown mean girls? Sign me up. Slade returns to The Real Housewives of Orange County (Bravo, 10 PM) as Gretchen's new squeeze, and Jeana is broke. Supposedly.

Just in case you're tired of watching those two old guys discuss movies, The Rotten Tomatoes Show (Current, 10:30 PM) gives an honest spin on potential cinematic adventures. And you can even record a review that may air on the show.

November 6, 2009
Would you be interested in watching something depressing? Try Platinum Babies (WE, 9 PM), which documents idiot parents that spend $100,000 on baby showers for their kids. Nothing says stupid like gold-plated rattles.

You know that guy who wrote that terrible book that tells girls that some guy is just not into her? His comedy special, Greg Berendht: That Guy from That Thing (Comedy, 12 AM) airs tonight.

It's Halloween and CBS is going all out. Medium has Elvira guest starring. But first... (this is Julie Chen's home network after all!) Ghost Whisperer meets the Headless Horseman. Yup. He's in ghost form or whatever, but still, headless horseman in this Sleepy Hollow themed episode.

Well this oughtta be great -- these women hate each other's guts. So much so that they didn't even sit down for the annual Housewives dinner party of table flipping and friendship in their finale this year, so you know tonight's reunion is just going to be a cage match. Normally they all get together to yell at Kim, but it looks like everyone's just going to yell at everyone this time. Kim hates NeNe, Lisa hates Kim, Kandi hates Nene, Nene hates Kim, everyone hates Sheree, etc.

So that big baseball game thing starts tonight and it is the Yankees vs. the Phillies, and being that I'm a Mets fan (sadly) I'm just going to sit in my corner and eat some sour grapes as our two biggest rivals face off. And I'll also gripe about how this means that my viewing schedule is all messed up, and it totally let Nigel get a big ego boost and break little Brandon's heart on So You Think You Can Dance last night. Anyway, back to the game...

This'll be a fun exercise in tip-toeing around its premise. Tonight is the very special "You Ask, Duggars Answer" episode of 18 Kids and Counting, in which I'm sure the real questions like "Aren't your kids going to come out all weird, being sheltered like this?" and "Can you just admit that you think Cousin Amy is a heathen already?" and "Why does Jinger have to do everything for everyone all the time like an indentured servant?" will be glossed over in favor of cuddlier questions like "Why are you all such hard workers and model citizens?" Ahh, such is 18 Kids and Counting.

They have finally, finally, finally named the Top 20, though it seemed so much longer than it did during the summer. Perhaps my tolerance is lower for audition rounds when my DVR is overloaded with fall programming. Anyhow, tonight's special Monday night episode is the first chance we'll have to see many of these kids in action.

I stopped watching Extreme Makeover a while back. Honestly, while the emotional stories are touching, I was just running out of tissues. And tissues are expensive. But tonight's episode actually piqued my interest, because they know the way to this girl's heart is through food. Or at least celebrity chefs.

October 24, 2009
At first I thought this was that Ricky Gervais movie. But this Ghost Town (SyFy, 9 PM), is really about a bus full of high school students "who find out how the west was really won." Saloon prostitutes must have played a big role.

The documentary Bon Jovi: When We Were Beautiful (Showtime, 9 PM) explores the band's life on and off the road. Maybe Jon will explain why all of their songs include the phrases "it's my life" and "I'm gonna live." It's so repetitive.

October 25, 2009
Werewolves. So hot right now. If you care, an Animal Planet special, Werewolves: The Dark Survivors (Animal Planet, 9 PM) airs tonight.

Larry and Jerry collaborate for the Seinfeld reunion on Curb Your Enthusiasm (HBO, 9 PM) and debate whether an encounter with a bare midriffed assistant should be included. I don't know... this could be headed into Letterman territory.

It's probably best if you haven't been watching My Antonio (VH1, 10 PM). But if you want to find out what faceless blonde Antonio Sabato Jr. chooses to be his next ex, the finale airs tonight.

October 26, 2009
Another trashy dating show finale! Real Chance of Love 2 (VH1, 9 PM) wraps up on Monday night. I'm predicting a third installment of Real's feminine hairstyle embarking on the hunt for love.

In this Halloween-themed episode of Gossip Girl (The CW, 9 PM), Chuck Bass opens his new club in the hotel ahead of time. He also might kiss a guy. Again.

TLC is sucking the last drops of liquid money from the rapidly drying oil well that was Jon and Kate. The special Jon & Kate Plus 8: You Ask, Kate Answers (TLC, 9 PM) forces stupid Kate to answer stupid questions from stupid viewers.

Will the vampire craze let down anytime soon? I didn't think so. Castle (ABC, 10 PM) gets in on the trend when he and Beckett encounter a murder victim with fangs and a stake driven through his heart.

October 27, 2009
Mike Epps hosts the 2009 BET Hip Hop Awards (BET, 8 PM). My pick for Hustler of the Year: me. What, I wasn't nominated? Fine, give it to Jay-Z.

The Top 20 perform on So You Think You Can Dance (FOX, 8 PM). Our only qualm so far: too much tap.

The terror reign of the Duggar family's fully functioning reproductive organs continues on 18 Kids & Counting: Anna Duggar Birth Special (TLC, 9 PM).

In contrast with the Duggars, here's a show featuring a couple that we hope can have a child this season. The second season of The Little Couple (TLC, 10 PM) premieres tonight.

I love you, I honestly love you... Jeff Lewis. I just have the feeling that we have like souls. Be my friend, Jeff. The Flipping Out: Reunion Special (Bravo, 10 PM) wraps up the third season.

October 28, 2009
A Halloween special for the whole family, Monsters Vs. Aliens: Mutant Pumpkins from Outer Space (NBC, 8 PM), actually looks really cute. And it takes a lot for me to call something cute.

If by some chance you have DirecTV, you'll be able to watch the fourth season of Friday Night Lights (The 101, 9 PM).

The FBI must intervene in a murder investigation on this week's Law & Order: SVU (NBC, 9 PM), but Benson and Stabler (because they're so badass) continue their manhunt unaided.

Jay and Gloria disagree over an outfit Manny wants to wear to school on Modern Family (ABC, 9 PM). This sounds familiar. My mother did not like the Backstreet Boys and fingerless glove combo I tried to pull off in middle school.

October 29, 2009
On this week's Flash Forward (ABC, 8 PM), Demetri, Mark, and Wedeck try to connect the attack on Janis with the one made on them.

Kids are out of hand these days. A college football team is investigated on CSI (CBS, 9 PM) for the murder of their coach.

Betty White and Jeff Dunham guest star on this week's 30 Rock(NBC, 9:30 PM). Liz and Jack go to Kenneth's hometown to look for new talent (clearly just to make incest jokes about the south) and Tracy fears the "rule of three" of celebrity deaths when two celebrities die and he thinks he may be next.

Bravo's sneak peek of the Real Housewives of Atlanta: Reunion Special (Bravo, 10 PM) says it all: "Is Sheree gay?" Hmmm, the rest of my day will be occupied by this dire philosophical question.

The gang does their best to put on a wrestling match for the troops on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (FX, 10 PM). Danny DeVito wears spandex, too.

The League (FX, 10:30 PM) is a new comedy about a group of friends addicted to Fantasy Football. This actually looks really funny from all the previews, but I could probably do without the Fantasy Football part.

October 30,2009
If you're really into ghosts (like more than half of the Travel Channel's programming would lead me to believe), you may be interested in watching a seven hour special. Ghost Adventures: Ghost Adventures Live! (Travel, 8 PM) will document a night spent in the Trans-Allegheny Lunatic Asylum in West Virginia. Sheesh. Even the name of that asylum is crazy!

The title of this week's Law & Order (NBC, 8 PM) is "Human Flesh Search Engine." That's more than enough to get me to watch.

If you haven't been watching Parks and Recreation this season because the six episodes of last season still seemed to be finding their footing (read: they weren't very funny), then you may want to start checking it out. Not just an Office clone, Amy Poehler is no longer trying to be a blonde Michael Scott, and is instead playing park official Leslie as an earnest, if naive, public servant with an eccentric group of friends and co-workers.

The time honored Restaurant Wars episode of this season's Top Chef has finally arrived, and while that is very exciting, like a lot of people I'm unfortunately getting very anxious for the end. With Robin, Laurine, Eli and Michael I still in the game, it just feels like we're treading water. Obviously the final four will be Kevin, Jennifer and the Volts, and every episode up until then is just kind of waiting around until the other four who don't have a chance get their turn to go home. There are four more weeks of that!