God, Hoarders is gross. And depressing. And voyeuristic. And uncomfortable to watch. But, like Intervention and Obsessed before it, I continue to watch and enjoy for shameful reasons I'd rather not admit. Tonight, we meet Augustine, a Louisiana woman whose compulsive hoarding was so extreme that she lost custody of her son years ago and never regained it. Now an adult, the boy and his adoptive mother confront her as her house is forcibly cleaned by the city for not being up to code. It's... going to be very difficult to watch, but I think we all know we're going to do it anyway, with rapt attention. We should all be ashamed of ourselves, but such is the magic of Hoarders.

Hoarders airs on A&E tonight at 10 PM, but if you can somehow smell those houses through the TV, our Week in Preview has tidier viewing options to choose from.

Hope you've got lots of space in your DVR for this one. It's four hours long and packed with some of the most bizarre and potentially awesome (awful) pairings you can imagine, like Mick Jagger and Fergie, Metallica and Ozzy Osbourne, and Bruce Springsteen and Billy Joel. I'm most looking forward to Annie Lennox and Aretha Franklin doing "Chain of Fools."

November 28, 2009
It's only four weeks until Christmas, and we all know what that means: 'Tis the season for cheesy TV movies. National Tree (Hallmark, 8 PM) stars Andrew McCarthy (yes, the Andrew McCarthy) and a boy from Save the Last Dance 2 as a father and son driving to Washington D.C. with a special tree in tow.

Beyond Sherwood Forest (SyFy, 9 PM) is a strange re-imagining of the classic Robin Hood tale. In this version, the Sheriff of Nottingham uses some crazy flying dragon to try and catch Robin Hood.

November 29, 2009
The Dog Who Saved Christmas (ABC Family, 8 PM) stars Mario Lopez as the voice of a mischievous dog left home alone while his family is out and about. While this is happening, two thugs (one of whom is Dean Cain) try to rob the house, but the dog deters them with silly pranks. This is Home Alone with a dog. It looks awful, but kids might like it.

If you have four hours free, catch Bruce Springsteen, U2, Sting, and pretty much any rock act you can think of performing on the 25th Anniversary Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Concert (HBO, 8 PM). Just change the channel when The Black Eyed Peas come on. They're not rock and roll.

Taraji P. Henson and Terence "Baby Wipes" Howard host the 2009 Soul Train Awards (BET, 9 PM). Michael Jackson already won the Entertainer of the Year Award.

November 30, 2009
The least annoying show about weird-looking cakes, Cake Boss (TLC, 9 PM) moves to a new time slot. I'm not sure what fondant is or if it can possibly taste good, but that's one of the most-used words in this show.

Chuck finds out something potentially damaging about Serena and Trip on Gossip Girl (The CW, 9 PM). The previews tell us that "Thanksgiving if full of secrets," which is true. My mom lied about buying a pre-cooked turkey once.

Hoarders (A&E, 10 PM) is hard to watch, but I would recommend it because it shows you the bad things can happen just in case you decide to never take out the garbage. Noxious fumes galore.

December 1, 2009
I was a little confused when I found out about Britain's Missing Top Model (BBCA, 9 PM). The show is about young women with disabilities who want to become models. But does the "missing" refer to what they are actually without, or whether Britain is "missing" a disabled model? I'm either offended or pleased. I cannot decide.

Scrubs (ABC, 9:30 PM) seems as though it will never go away. A 9th season will have Dr. Cox, J.D., and Turk teaching medical school, which just seems forced. Also, Elliott is preggers with J.D.'s kid because this show needs another baby.

Look, boobies! In diamond-encrusted bras! The Victoria's Secret Fashion Show (CBS, 10 PM) will be watched by men across America while their wives and girlfriends roll their eyes in annoyance.

On the season finale of The Hills (MTV, 10 PM), a portent of the apocalypse may come true if Speidi is indeed with child. Also, Justin-Bobby and Kristin decide on whether they should date. They probably should not. And they should probably go away.

On the second season finale of Sons of Anarchy (FX, 10 PM), SAMCRO goes to the mattresses against The League.

December 2, 2009
The sacred Rockefeller Center tree is lit up for the holiday season amidst musical renditions from NBC darling Jane Krakowski and The Roots on Christmas in Rockefeller Center (NBC, 8 PM).

On Glee (FOX, 9 PM), the club is left out of the yearbook because of budget cuts and everyone is relieved, except for Rachel. You have better catch this one before Glee disappears for four months.

I laughed when I saw the previews for Steven Seagal: Lawman (A&E, 10 PM). He's totally serious about this police gig. Hopefully Seagal knows that squinting while talking and breaking pool sticks in half will not keep him safe from real guns.

For those who are in Project Runway withdrawal, Launch My Line (Bravo, 11 PM) is the latest show about fashion design. This show is different in that 10 established designers are paired off with 10 professionals who have dreamed of launching their own clothing lines. Why does this seem to be everyone's dream?

December 3, 2009
Tom gets a divorce from his hot green card toting wife on Parks and Recreation (NBC, 8:30 PM) and gets the sads.

Liz begins production on her Dealbreakers talk show on 30 Rock (NBC, 9:30 PM) and finds out what it's like to be Jenna. God help the TGS cast.

Jersey Shore (MTV, 10 PM) is a good choice for anyone who was a fan of the True Life episode "I Have A Summer Share." Just think of the explosive possibilities when just the right amount of hair gel and white tank tops combine.

December 4, 2009
Tonight marks the beginning of the end for Dollhouse (FOX, 8 PM). The network will air two episodes back-to-back tonight.

Monk (USA, 9 PM) is coming to a close tonight. Monk will figure out who killed his wife, but hardly anyone will notice because no one has watched this show since 2005.

The first season finale of Stargate: Universe (SyFy, 9 PM) airs tonight.

There are a lot of options for avoiding your family on Thanksgiving. There's a plethora of football games, the National Dog Show, that Beyonce special and my personal favorite annual tradition... The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. I love the parade and the balloons (and even got to carry a few in the past), but still, the best part of this is getting out of the cooking duties. It's for everyone's benefit really. Oh, and I love seeing the news anchors freeze as they try and look positive while announcing the 500th marching band walking by, or making the latest Disney channel star sound like they are the hottest thing ever as we watch them lip-sync whatever their latest song is.

Tonight, we take a break from the season's competition to revisit some of the most notable Losers in the show's history. Some of these stories are nice, like the two couples -- Matt and Suzy from Season 2, and Amy and Marty from Season 3 -- who fell in love on the show and got married, or the many former contestants who are now fitness trainers, or even one guy who is apparently a country singer somewhere. And of course it will be all Ali Vincent this, Ali Vincent that, buy Ali Vincent's book, if you love Ali Vincent so much why don't you marry her, and so on and so forth, but there are also some actually interesting things as well. I can't find the damn preview video and the press release doesn't say jack so I can't promise anything, but I understand a former winner has gained all their weight back, and Bob is going to go all "What the fuck, Joelle?!" on this person tonight. Oh, god willing.

Tonight one "lucky" celebrity will get the tackiest trophy in all of TV. I don't know the logistics, but I seriously hope that ABC is slipping people cash under the table, because that mirrorball is just plain ugly. While I've spent the entire season rooting for the positively adorable Kelly Osbourne, the likelihood of her winning after she stumbled last night repeatedly is slim to none. So it will either be Donny Osmond or Mya being crowned the new champ. Much as I like Dmitry from his So You Think You Can Dance days, his performances with Mya really haven't wowed me much this season. They dance well, but they're boring. And I get why people like Donny Osmond, but he's not really my cup of tea, however, his partner Kym is the second cutest pro they have on this show (after Chelsie Hightower), so I guess I'd like to see her win. It seems like she'd really be appreciative of it and deserves something for trying to rein Donny in all season.

As New Moon has proven this weekend, sequels are always highly anticipated, and tonight's HIMYM is no exception. Titled "Slapsgiving 2: Revenge of the Slap," tonight's ep features the return of one of the most popular running storylines in the show's history. After being shelved for a while -- so long, in fact, that I wondered if it had been resolved and I'd missed it -- it seems that Marshall is ready to give Barney another one of the slaps he owes him from their ill-advised Slap Bet of yore. Having dispensed three of the five, a fourth will be given tonight... but it may not be Marshall doing the slapping.

I've always hated the American Music Awards the least of all the music awards shows. It doesn't showboat as much as the Grammys, it has less screaming and Twilight than MTV's VMAs, it somehow seems slightly less pointless than the Billboard Music Awards -- it's just perfectly innocuous, hanging out there at the end of the year, minding its own business.

November 21, 2009
This movie wasn't good enough to be released in theaters, but Lifetime is taking some initiative and airing Personal Effects (Lifetime, 9 PM), an Ashton Kutcher and Michelle Pfeiffer sobfest about (what else?) a younger man falling in love with a much older woman.

Dear Joseph Gordon Levitt, I believe in you. Please be funny on Saturday Night Live (NBC, 11:30 PM) this week. Love, Heather. P.S. Dave Matthews, will you please play a 17-minute version of "#41"? Just consider it.

November 22, 2009
Yay, an awards show! The American Music Awards (ABC, 8 PM) will feature a Taylor Swift/Lady Gaga showdown. By the way, this is the award shaped like a narrow glass pyramid, for some odd reason.

Will everything work out for a Seinfeld reunion show? Watch the seventh season finale of Curb Your Enthusiasm (HBO, 9 PM) to find out.

On My Fair Wedding (WE, 10 PM), Christina had planned to have her wedding on a Mexican beach, but the swine flu outbreak caused her to move it to a beach in... New Jersey.

November 23, 2009
Interested in seeing Lewis Black rant about the holidays? History Special: Surviving the Holidays with Lewis Black (History, 8 PM) will have the comedian explore the meaning behind the madness behind Thanksgiving football, who St. Nicholas really was, and why we drink on New Year's Day.

Barney fears a slapping from any one of his friends on How I Met Your Mother (CBS, 8 PM). Also, Lily's estranged father (Chris Elliott) shows up for the Thanksgiving victuals.

The end of an era is here. The last episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8 (TLC, 9 PM) airs tonight. I still don't have the feeling that it's over, but for now, let's hope it is.

In the vein of feel-good reality shows, Find My Family (ABC, 9:30 PM) airs as a sneak preview tonight. On this show, people search for their long-lost family members (and cause viewers to break out the Kleenex).

Nerd-fantasy girl Katee Sackhoff will magically find her way into Howard's bathtub on The Big Bang Theory (CBS, 9:30 PM). Starbuck fans, take note.

November 24, 2009
Who among Donny Osmond, Mya, and Kelly Osbourne will reign supreme on the finale of Dancing with the Stars (ABC, 9 PM)? I think Donny needs to give it up.

That was fast. The winter season finale of V (ABC, 8 PM) airs tonight. New episodes will return in March.

For some odd reason, Chelsea Handler will guest star as herself on The Good Wife (CBS, 10 PM), because Peter's mistress appears on her show. Alicia then runs into said mistress in a parking garage. Ooh, bish, plz.

November 25, 2009
On a two-hour "Where are they now?" edition of The Biggest Loser (NBC, 8 PM), we catch up with the most popular contestants from the last seven seasons. But of course we're only interested in what they look like now.

Annoying Lindsay leaves her husband and moves in with Christine, her "divorcee role model," on The New Adventures of Old Christine (CBS, 8 PM).

In the 100th episode of Criminal Minds, C. Thomas Howell (who will forever be Ponyboy, in my mind) returns as "The Reaper," a crazed serial killer out to kill Hotchner's family (CBS, 9 PM).

November 26, 2009
My guiltiest pleasure, Beyoncé, has a nice little Thanksgiving special this year. Beyoncé: I Am Yours (ABC, 9 PM) will have behind-the-scenes footage in addition to singing and dancing.

Matt Lauer takes a cue from Baba Wawa with his own NBC Special: NBC's People of the Year (NBC, 9 PM).

Another music special could be an option for those who are not fans of Beyoncé. Great Performances: Sting: A Winter's Night (PBS, 9 PM) will have Sting singing in an English cathedral. Damn, he probably won't be able to play "Roxanne" in a church.

And yet another Thanksgiving concert special! Paul McCartney: Good Evening New York (ABC, 10 PM) is self-explanatory.

November 27, 2009
In a much more realistic look at family dysfunction, a fifth season of Shameless (Sundance, 8 PM) premieres tonight. There's cussing, fighting and no laugh track. It's just like everyone else's family, but with heavy northern British accents.

Okay, I'll admit that this season hasn't been the greatest in Project Runway history. Far from it, in fact. But I'm still curious to see how it all goes down tonight. Leading up to the final runway show, it's just as hard to judge how things are going to turn out as it is in any given episode -- until the dresses get onto the runway, you never know what they'll look like or how they'll be received. (Although sometimes you can get an idea.)