First of all, I'm very disappointed -- very disappointed -- that ABC couldn't pay Melissa Rycroft enough to persuade her to come to this wedding. Luckily for them, despite said disappointment, I cannot resist programming in which grown-ass women unabashedly talk about wanting to be princesses on their wedding day, and I extra cannot resist contrived famewhore love, obviously, so I suppose my complaints are moot.

As someone who just jumped back into Big Love this year after abandoning it midway through Season 1, I've really enjoyed it, in a kind of batshit-crazy-things-happen-every-minute, Nip/Tuck kind of way. I understand that the show used to have deeper and more emotional explorations of faith and family and misogyny, but for now, more illegal parrot trafficking! Don't get me wrong, I've had a lot of fun watching this season (and honestly teared up a bit when Dale killed himself and when a purple elephant-costumed Margene apologized to Bill for kissing his son), but, you know, this is far from the brilliant drama I was promised before the season started.

March 6, 2010

I'm usually too big of a scaredy cat to sit through America's Most Wanted (Fox, 9 PM), but since tonight is the 1,000th episode and President Obama appearing, I'll cover my eyes and try to watch through my fingers.

Tonight's Saturday Night Live (NBC, 11:29 PM) has been getting a whole lot of buzz thanks to host Zach Galifianakis and musical guest Vampire Weekend. Prepare yourself for possibly the best episode in years by watching that incredible ad for Absolut Vodka that Galifianakis made with Tim and Eric.

March 7, 2010

Forget swine flu... the biggest pandemic right now is Oscar fever (sorry)! The 82nd Annual Academy Awards (ABC, 8 PM) is this evening. Be sure to check out TWoP for a whole lot of coverage.

Geez, it's already the Big Love (HBO, 9 PM) fourth season finale? It feels like just yesterday, the Blackfoot Magic Casino was first opening.

March 8, 2010

Watch The Bachelor: Jason and Molly's Wedding (ABC, 8 PM) if you learned nothing from Fox's Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire?.

Gossip Girl (The CW, 9 PM) is back from hiatus! IMHO, this episode sounds delightful. Highlights: "Nate and Serena explore the boundaries of their friendship," and "Jenny agrees to accompany Damien to a State Dinner but is unaware that he needs her help with a drug exchange."

Trauma (NBC, 9 PM) also returns this week. There will probably be an explosion.

I didn't think too many people would be interested in My Life as Liz (MTV, 10:30 PM), but the commenters on this article have convinced me otherwise. Tonight is the season finale and I'm sure it'll be... talked about?

March 9, 2010

It's time for the fourth season finale of Bad Girls Club (Oxygen, 10 PM). Expect spitting and a grand bikini parade!

The third season finale of Chopped (Food Network, 10 PM) is already upon us. Based on the episode title, "Chopped Liver," we all know the ingredients in this episode are going to be ridiculous. My guess: an entrée with the aforementioned chopped liver, cotton candy, Kraft singles, and wasabi.

Another big season finale tonight: White Collar (USA, 10 PM). Who's getting killed off? I've been stalking this show's forum and must say, you guys have some impressive theories. Kudos!

March 10, 2010

America's Next Top Model (The CW, 8 PM) returns this evening with tall girls! And they're in New York City! Also, the models are getting makeovers right off the bat, which means lots of tears! Yay!

So begins part one of two of The Real Housewives of Orange County: Reunion Special (Bravo, 9 PM). I hate Lynne so much that I'm not sure I'll make it through both parts.

I've been seeing ads for First Love, Second Chance (TV Land, 10 PM) everywhere, and I have one shred of hope that this show may be ironically good. I mean, based on that one episode of Sex and the City, watching high school sweethearts reunite can make for great television.

March 11, 2010

Kitchen Nightmares (Fox, 9 PM) is on tonight. As usual, I searched Yelp for the restaurant Ramsay visits, and the results did not disappoint.

The baby episode was nice and all, but I've been looking forward to Andy and Erin's first date for a while now. Luckily, it finally happens on tonight's episode of The Office (NBC, 9 PM).

Looks like this week's episode of 30 Rock (NBC, 9:30 PM) will probably be chock full of jokes about the NBC/Comcast merger. Any chance we'll get an Al Franken cameo?

March 12, 2010

Congratulations to Supernanny (ABC, 9 PM) for making it to episode number 100! Tonight, Jo Frost revisits some of her most memorable brats to find out how they're doing today.

End your week with the sixth season finale of Numbers (CBS, 10 PM). Don "misplaces" his gun in this episode, forcing Charlie and Amita to postpone their honeymoon. Cue this noise!

Who Do You Think You Are? is a British series that has aired on the BBC since 2004. I'm not sure I find the idea of watching celebrities trace their ancestries interesting, but the show rakes in over 6 million viewers an episode over there, and Lisa Kudrow was big enough of a fan to create an American adaptation, so it must be doing something right.

We all know that babies ruin TV shows, but we're curious to see tonight's Jam-Baby double episode of The Office, if only to see how the staff of Dunder-Mifflin can mess up a childbirth. After all, messing up someone's wedding is not only funny, it's easy, but effing with the delivery of a baby is a proposition fraught with disaster. Perhaps that's why the promos focus less on wackiness and more on heartstring-pulling. I guess nobody wants to see a baby fall through a drop-ceiling.

Goodbye, Nip/Tuck, you crazy tornado of gore, fantastically slutty people and perversion, you unyielding celebration of vomit-inducing taboos and dropped plot points. Despite its many, many flaws, I will truly miss this show. After its groundbreaking first season, it became one of the most entertaining guilty pleasures on television, and though I know this probably paints me in an unfavorable light, this show was honestly important to me.

In the few months since NBC announced that it was cancelling Southland because it was too gritty and whatnot and TNT's subsequent pick-up, I've come to terms with this decision. In fact, I'm even weirdly grateful that it went down that way, mostly because this show can keep its hard-hitting look and feel on cable in a way that network television just doesn't allow for. But also because I think that this worthy show has generated more press this way than it ever would have had it aired on NBC in the fall as previously planned. (As a midseason replacement in the spring of 2009, it was barely a blip on most people's radars, or DVRs, as it was.)

The Olympics are over, which means all our favorite shows can come out of their hiding places and start airing new episodes, free from fear of ice dancing and Bob Costas squishing their little non-athletic bug ratings. In HIMYM's case, it also means it's time for the Carrie Underwood episode. Because if there's anything this show loves more than soundstages that look nothing like NYC, it's stunt casting.