November 21, 2009
This movie wasn't good enough to be released in theaters, but Lifetime is taking some initiative and airing Personal Effects (Lifetime, 9 PM), an Ashton Kutcher and Michelle Pfeiffer sobfest about (what else?) a younger man falling in love with a much older woman.

Dear Joseph Gordon Levitt, I believe in you. Please be funny on Saturday Night Live (NBC, 11:30 PM) this week. Love, Heather. P.S. Dave Matthews, will you please play a 17-minute version of "#41"? Just consider it.

November 22, 2009
Yay, an awards show! The American Music Awards (ABC, 8 PM) will feature a Taylor Swift/Lady Gaga showdown. By the way, this is the award shaped like a narrow glass pyramid, for some odd reason.

Will everything work out for a Seinfeld reunion show? Watch the seventh season finale of Curb Your Enthusiasm (HBO, 9 PM) to find out.

On My Fair Wedding (WE, 10 PM), Christina had planned to have her wedding on a Mexican beach, but the swine flu outbreak caused her to move it to a beach in... New Jersey.

November 23, 2009
Interested in seeing Lewis Black rant about the holidays? History Special: Surviving the Holidays with Lewis Black (History, 8 PM) will have the comedian explore the meaning behind the madness behind Thanksgiving football, who St. Nicholas really was, and why we drink on New Year's Day.

Barney fears a slapping from any one of his friends on How I Met Your Mother (CBS, 8 PM). Also, Lily's estranged father (Chris Elliott) shows up for the Thanksgiving victuals.

The end of an era is here. The last episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8 (TLC, 9 PM) airs tonight. I still don't have the feeling that it's over, but for now, let's hope it is.

In the vein of feel-good reality shows, Find My Family (ABC, 9:30 PM) airs as a sneak preview tonight. On this show, people search for their long-lost family members (and cause viewers to break out the Kleenex).

Nerd-fantasy girl Katee Sackhoff will magically find her way into Howard's bathtub on The Big Bang Theory (CBS, 9:30 PM). Starbuck fans, take note.

November 24, 2009
Who among Donny Osmond, Mya, and Kelly Osbourne will reign supreme on the finale of Dancing with the Stars (ABC, 9 PM)? I think Donny needs to give it up.

That was fast. The winter season finale of V (ABC, 8 PM) airs tonight. New episodes will return in March.

For some odd reason, Chelsea Handler will guest star as herself on The Good Wife (CBS, 10 PM), because Peter's mistress appears on her show. Alicia then runs into said mistress in a parking garage. Ooh, bish, plz.

November 25, 2009
On a two-hour "Where are they now?" edition of The Biggest Loser (NBC, 8 PM), we catch up with the most popular contestants from the last seven seasons. But of course we're only interested in what they look like now.

Annoying Lindsay leaves her husband and moves in with Christine, her "divorcee role model," on The New Adventures of Old Christine (CBS, 8 PM).

In the 100th episode of Criminal Minds, C. Thomas Howell (who will forever be Ponyboy, in my mind) returns as "The Reaper," a crazed serial killer out to kill Hotchner's family (CBS, 9 PM).

November 26, 2009
My guiltiest pleasure, Beyoncé, has a nice little Thanksgiving special this year. Beyoncé: I Am Yours (ABC, 9 PM) will have behind-the-scenes footage in addition to singing and dancing.

Matt Lauer takes a cue from Baba Wawa with his own NBC Special: NBC's People of the Year (NBC, 9 PM).

Another music special could be an option for those who are not fans of Beyoncé. Great Performances: Sting: A Winter's Night (PBS, 9 PM) will have Sting singing in an English cathedral. Damn, he probably won't be able to play "Roxanne" in a church.

And yet another Thanksgiving concert special! Paul McCartney: Good Evening New York (ABC, 10 PM) is self-explanatory.

November 27, 2009
In a much more realistic look at family dysfunction, a fifth season of Shameless (Sundance, 8 PM) premieres tonight. There's cussing, fighting and no laugh track. It's just like everyone else's family, but with heavy northern British accents.

November 14, 2009
Gina Gershon stars as a badass (because that's what Gina Gershon does) in Everything She Ever Wanted (Lifetime, 8 PM). According to the movie's website, for those living amongst Gershon's character Pat, "no one was safe when Pat Allanson didn't get her way." Sounds about right.

January Jones (a.k.a. Betty Draper) stops by Saturday Night Live (NBC, 11:30 PM), and the Black Eyed Peas, who continue to try too hard with both their music and fashion, will perform.

November 15, 2009
Oh, look! It's just what humanity needs! A second season of the reality competition Tough Love (VH1, 9 PM), in which women with low self-esteem and anger issues are coached into better romantic relationships. Because that's just what you need when you hate yourself -- a partner upon whom you can project your issues!

AMC's retelling of the 1960s version of The Prisoner (AMC, 8 PM) stars Jim Caviezel. Caviezel's character, known as Six, finds himself under constant surveillance among others identified only by numbers. I suppose it's kind of like the DMV.

November 16, 2009
For some crazy reason, the 16th season premiere of Inside the Actor's Studio (Bravo, 8 PM) has Bon Jovi as the guest. Whatever will they talk about? Surely an hour is too long to discuss the merits of Jon's role on Ally McBeal.

Let's have some fun, this beat is sick -- Lady Gaga comes to Gossip Girl (The CW, 9 PM). What will she wear? Jenny Humphrey, you better bring your fashion A game this week.

Chef Academy (Bravo, 11 PM) features endless disgusted looks and throwing food in trash cans. The "world's sexiest chef" (not sure who voted for that title), Jean Christophe Novelli, who has an awesome French accent, will school young'uns in the kitchen.

November 17, 2009
Even if you don't have kids, the NBC Special: Merry Madagascar (NBC, 8 PM) may be worth a look. Nothing says holiday cheer like animals voiced by celebrities.

Finally, this Heather Locklear mess is about to go down. Amanda returns to a lesser version of the show that made her infamous on Melrose Place (The CW, 9 PM).

November 18, 2009
It's down to Laura and Nicole on the season finale of America's Next Top Model (The CW, 8 PM). Will they survive a runway challenge that incorporates wind and rain? More importantly, which of the contestants will win the chance to fade into obscurity like the rest of the past winners?

I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind, that I put down in words...sorry, Elton John just gets to me. The kids of Glee (FOX, 9 PM) are paired off to sing their favorite ballads tonight.

Claire wants to surprise Phil with a performance by Izzy Lafontaine (Ed Norton, in a Ron Wood wig and fake British accent) on Modern Family (ABC, 9 PM). Elizabeth Banks also guest stars as someone with large boobies.

The 13th fall season finale of South Park (Comedy, 10 PM) airs tonight.

November 19, 2009
On this week's Parks and Recreation (NBC, 8:30 PM), Leslie invites herself to Ron's annual hunting trip. Hopefully she will not know how to use a rifle.

If you're a Fringe (FOX, 9 PM) fan, you'll probably be happy to know the show will be focusing on The Observer tonight, rather than a monster-of-the-week like they have been of late. There may be more than one Observer, and he may not be as evil as one thinks.

Meredith's father visits Seattle Grace on Grey's Anatomy (ABC, 9 PM). Not surprisingly, Mr. Grey disapproves of his daughter's life choices.

How is it still not over? The sixth season finale of Project Runway (Lifetime, 10 PM) is tonight. My prediction for the winner: Irina.

November 7, 2009
Rob Lowe is suspected of killing his wife in the Lifetime original movie Too Late to Say Goodbye (Lifetime, 8 PM). Those brooding blue eyes will not get you out of this one, Lowe.

If you're interested in hearing sarcastic commentary about the week's news on Saturday nights, The Wanda Sykes Show (FOX, 11 PM) premieres tonight.

Taylor Swift hosts Saturday Night Live (NBC, 11:30 PM) this week. Will Kanye West show up, or will Kenan once again be misused? Will there be a Taylor Lautner appearance as well? We wait with baited breath...

November 8, 2009
Seth Macfarlane and Alex Borstein do it up Donnie and Marie style (They even kind of look like them, in a creepy way.) on Family Guy Presents: Seth & Alex's Almost Live Comedy Show (FOX, 8:30 PM).

If you care, this week's Keeping Up with the Kardashians (E!, 9 PM) features an hour-long special on the shotgun wedding of Khloe to Lamar Odom. If you do watch it, look for Bruce Jenner's wackadoo plastic face.

The season finale of Mad Men (AMC, 10 PM) is happening, without my permission. Until next year, Don Draper. You saucy minx.

November 9, 2009
Michael Gambon plays the eccentric caretaker of a large mansion in the HBO premiere of the BBC movie Joe's Palace (HBO Signature, 9 PM). The film centers on the dark secret on the origins of the money that paid for the mansion.

Uh-oh. Parents will become outraged when a threesome is depicted on this week's Gossip Girl (The CW, 9 PM). Kids will be kids. Meanwhile, Jenny looks to become Queen Bee of the entire Upper East Side by scoring a hot cotillion date.

Late on those car payments? A fourth season of Operation Repo (TruTV, 10 PM) will show you what happens when you lose the rights to your sweet Nissan Maxima. Hint: a hefty woman with painted on eyebrows might show up at your house with a tow truck.

November 10, 2009
This week's installment of V (ABC, 8 PM) has Erica and impossibly good-looking Father Jack realize that a seeker from the V's is following them. Who wouldn't follow Father Jack?

Do you want to have ten kids? Really? You'll probably want zero after watching Table for 12 (TLC, 8:30 PM), TLC's Jon & Kate Plus 8 heir apparent.

Maggie Smith plays an old woman revisiting memories of her youth in the same mansion chronicled in Joe's Palace in Capturing Mary (HBO Signature, 9 PM).

November 11, 2009
The final four models on America's Next Top Model (The CW, 8 PM) learn "hip-hop hula" moves. Amazing! Tyra has found a new way to offend another culture!

The 43rd Annual CMA Awards (ABC, 8 PM) air tonight. Is it wrong that I know all of the lyrics to Taylor Swift's "Love Story"? If it is, I don't want to be right.

On this week's Glee (FOX, 9 PM), a diva-off between Kurt and Rachel ensues. Also, Sue Sylvester reveals her softer side.

In yet another incarnation of the ghost investigation genre, Ghost Hunters Academy (SyFy, 10 PM) takes a bunch of wet-behind-the-ears kids and teaches them all about ghost stakeouts. One of the guys teaching them is named Dave Tango, which has to be one of the most awesome names ever.

November 12, 2009
Science of the Movies: Zombies! Science of the Undead (Science Channel, 8 PM) will show you how Hollywood creates those terrifying flesh-eating zombies onscreen.

A kidnapping becomes a hostage situation in New York on this week's Fringe (FOX, 9 PM) and some sort of "mysterious force" is detected.

Leslie and the rest of the Parks Department compete to think up a new design for a defaced mural on Parks and Recreation (NBC, 9 PM). Also, Andy has an awkward moment with Ron at the shoeshine stand.

Cheyenne Jackson guest stars on 30 Rock (NBC, 9:30 PM) as the new cast member of The Girlie Show. There will be plenty of Jenna and Tracy tantrums to go around.

November 13, 2009
In this week's episode of Ghost Whisperer (CBS, 8 PM), a real estate listing leads Melinda to a corpse. Central air? Check. 2.5 baths? Check. Gas fireplace? Check. Dead body waiting to be found? Price cut, please.

The scariest thing you'll see on Friday the 13th? A couple trying to plan a $15,000 wedding on TLC Special: Battle of the Wedding Planners (TLC, 10 PM).

October 31, 2009
Happy Halloween! In between handing out candy to grubby-handed children, tune in to Night of the Living Dead (AMC, 8:15 PM) and learn what real zombies are like.

November 1, 2009
The contestants take a "spooky trip to Holland" and one team must reveal a personal secret to the others on The Amazing Race (CBS, 8 PM). What's so spooky about Holland? Is it the windmills? I thought so.

At this point, are we even sure that Dr. Drew is a real doctor? Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew (VH1, 10 PM) premieres tonight. Unfortunately, the show does not feature any recognizable celebrities and there's no David Duchovny. Well, maybe that's a good thing.

I woke up today with a question lingering on my mind. Who will be dressing Kim Kardashian in the future? Styl'd: Fashion 101 (MTV, 10 PM) follows a group of young people trying to become celebrity stylists.

November 2, 2009
After Barney gives terrible relationship advice to Marshall, Marshall and Lily have a huge fight on How I Met Your Mother (CBS, 8 PM).

Reality TV just gets more and more sleazy. In the second season of For the Love of Ray J (VH1, 9 PM), we'll find out that the singer impregnated a contest on the show last season. Classy.

On the season finale of Greek (ABC Family, 9 PM), the Zetas break out in a highly choreographed dance routine. The very same thing happened in my British lit lecture once...there were a lot of stunted, awkward movements.

On The Big Bang Theory (CBS, 9:30 PM), irony takes hold and Sheldon teaches Leonard about football.

No bitchassness allowed. I Want to Work for Diddy (VH1, 10 PM) finds a second season's worth of unwitting victims willing to do Diddy's dirty work. And get him cheesecake.

November 3, 2009
In yet another revival of the classic miniseries and a TV series that failed the first time, V (ABC, 8 PM) will introduce us to the hot alien chick Anna, who is probably more evil than her cute pixie haircut shows.

Samantha Ronson guest stars as (gasp!) a DJ and Pharrell performs on 90210 (The CW, 8 PM). Also guest starring is Rumer Willis as Gia, who helps Navid investigate drug use at West Beverly High.

A year after the 2008 election, the HBO special By the People: The Election of Barack Obama (HBO, 9 PM) follows the President on the campaign trail.

Kathy Griffin dishes on her date with Levi Johnston, which probably sucked. Kathy Griffin: Balls of Steel (Bravo, 9 PM) marks her seventh stand-up special on Bravo.

A second season of Tabatha's Salon Takeover (Bravo, 10 PM) may make you never want to visit a salon again. Here's to hoping that Tabatha can repair all salons one clogged drain at a time.

November 4, 2009
Oh no! Poor Jules is challenged by her friend to spend an entire day by herself on Cougar Town (ABC, 9:30 PM). That's easy. Why doesn't she just sit alone blogging all day...oh wait.

The team on CSI: NY (CBS, 10 PM) will learn what food sploshing is. Hint: it's kind of sexual, and definitely gross.

In Flowers Uncut with Jeff Leatham (TLC, 10 PM), we'll learn all about the stressful world of floral arrangements.

Top Chef (Bravo, 10 PM) features an all-stars dinner tonight, and Stefan will start beef with Marcel.

November 5, 2009
On this week's Community (NBC, 8 PM), the gang finds out that Jeff is living in his car and wants to help out. Hopefully Jeff will be forced to live with Pierce and we'll find out what that old man does in his spare time.

Sam and Dean get sucked into an alternate universe in which they are characters in different TV shows on Supernatural (The CW, 9 PM). This is a total rip-off of the best John Ritter movie ever - Stay Tuned.

Following the disaster that was Stone Mountain, Georgia, auditions for a new TGS actor are held on 30 Rock (NBC, 9:30 PM).

More overgrown mean girls? Sign me up. Slade returns to The Real Housewives of Orange County (Bravo, 10 PM) as Gretchen's new squeeze, and Jeana is broke. Supposedly.

Just in case you're tired of watching those two old guys discuss movies, The Rotten Tomatoes Show (Current, 10:30 PM) gives an honest spin on potential cinematic adventures. And you can even record a review that may air on the show.

November 6, 2009
Would you be interested in watching something depressing? Try Platinum Babies (WE, 9 PM), which documents idiot parents that spend $100,000 on baby showers for their kids. Nothing says stupid like gold-plated rattles.

You know that guy who wrote that terrible book that tells girls that some guy is just not into her? His comedy special, Greg Berendht: That Guy from That Thing (Comedy, 12 AM) airs tonight.

October 24, 2009
At first I thought this was that Ricky Gervais movie. But this Ghost Town (SyFy, 9 PM), is really about a bus full of high school students "who find out how the west was really won." Saloon prostitutes must have played a big role.

The documentary Bon Jovi: When We Were Beautiful (Showtime, 9 PM) explores the band's life on and off the road. Maybe Jon will explain why all of their songs include the phrases "it's my life" and "I'm gonna live." It's so repetitive.

October 25, 2009
Werewolves. So hot right now. If you care, an Animal Planet special, Werewolves: The Dark Survivors (Animal Planet, 9 PM) airs tonight.

Larry and Jerry collaborate for the Seinfeld reunion on Curb Your Enthusiasm (HBO, 9 PM) and debate whether an encounter with a bare midriffed assistant should be included. I don't know... this could be headed into Letterman territory.

It's probably best if you haven't been watching My Antonio (VH1, 10 PM). But if you want to find out what faceless blonde Antonio Sabato Jr. chooses to be his next ex, the finale airs tonight.

October 26, 2009
Another trashy dating show finale! Real Chance of Love 2 (VH1, 9 PM) wraps up on Monday night. I'm predicting a third installment of Real's feminine hairstyle embarking on the hunt for love.

In this Halloween-themed episode of Gossip Girl (The CW, 9 PM), Chuck Bass opens his new club in the hotel ahead of time. He also might kiss a guy. Again.

TLC is sucking the last drops of liquid money from the rapidly drying oil well that was Jon and Kate. The special Jon & Kate Plus 8: You Ask, Kate Answers (TLC, 9 PM) forces stupid Kate to answer stupid questions from stupid viewers.

Will the vampire craze let down anytime soon? I didn't think so. Castle (ABC, 10 PM) gets in on the trend when he and Beckett encounter a murder victim with fangs and a stake driven through his heart.

October 27, 2009
Mike Epps hosts the 2009 BET Hip Hop Awards (BET, 8 PM). My pick for Hustler of the Year: me. What, I wasn't nominated? Fine, give it to Jay-Z.

The Top 20 perform on So You Think You Can Dance (FOX, 8 PM). Our only qualm so far: too much tap.

The terror reign of the Duggar family's fully functioning reproductive organs continues on 18 Kids & Counting: Anna Duggar Birth Special (TLC, 9 PM).

In contrast with the Duggars, here's a show featuring a couple that we hope can have a child this season. The second season of The Little Couple (TLC, 10 PM) premieres tonight.

I love you, I honestly love you... Jeff Lewis. I just have the feeling that we have like souls. Be my friend, Jeff. The Flipping Out: Reunion Special (Bravo, 10 PM) wraps up the third season.

October 28, 2009
A Halloween special for the whole family, Monsters Vs. Aliens: Mutant Pumpkins from Outer Space (NBC, 8 PM), actually looks really cute. And it takes a lot for me to call something cute.

If by some chance you have DirecTV, you'll be able to watch the fourth season of Friday Night Lights (The 101, 9 PM).

The FBI must intervene in a murder investigation on this week's Law & Order: SVU (NBC, 9 PM), but Benson and Stabler (because they're so badass) continue their manhunt unaided.

Jay and Gloria disagree over an outfit Manny wants to wear to school on Modern Family (ABC, 9 PM). This sounds familiar. My mother did not like the Backstreet Boys and fingerless glove combo I tried to pull off in middle school.

October 29, 2009
On this week's Flash Forward (ABC, 8 PM), Demetri, Mark, and Wedeck try to connect the attack on Janis with the one made on them.

Kids are out of hand these days. A college football team is investigated on CSI (CBS, 9 PM) for the murder of their coach.

Betty White and Jeff Dunham guest star on this week's 30 Rock(NBC, 9:30 PM). Liz and Jack go to Kenneth's hometown to look for new talent (clearly just to make incest jokes about the south) and Tracy fears the "rule of three" of celebrity deaths when two celebrities die and he thinks he may be next.

Bravo's sneak peek of the Real Housewives of Atlanta: Reunion Special (Bravo, 10 PM) says it all: "Is Sheree gay?" Hmmm, the rest of my day will be occupied by this dire philosophical question.

The gang does their best to put on a wrestling match for the troops on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (FX, 10 PM). Danny DeVito wears spandex, too.

The League (FX, 10:30 PM) is a new comedy about a group of friends addicted to Fantasy Football. This actually looks really funny from all the previews, but I could probably do without the Fantasy Football part.

October 30,2009
If you're really into ghosts (like more than half of the Travel Channel's programming would lead me to believe), you may be interested in watching a seven hour special. Ghost Adventures: Ghost Adventures Live! (Travel, 8 PM) will document a night spent in the Trans-Allegheny Lunatic Asylum in West Virginia. Sheesh. Even the name of that asylum is crazy!

The title of this week's Law & Order (NBC, 8 PM) is "Human Flesh Search Engine." That's more than enough to get me to watch.

October 17, 2009
It's bad enough that we watch reality TV to begin with, but it gets worse when we give out arbitrary awards to the shows that inhibit our already lacking social lives -- the 2009 Fox Reality Channel Really Awards (FRC, 10 PM) air tonight.

This week's Celebrity Ghost Stories (BIO, 10 PM) features John Waters, Carrie Fisher, and Rue McClanahan. I don't think any ghost story can trump the magical weirdness that already is John Waters. But I'll give Rue McClanahan a chance to scare me.

Gerard Butler hosts Saturday Night Live (NBC, 11:30 PM) with musical guest Shakira. Shake well.

October 18, 2009
One of the design themes that will appear on HGTV Special: Halloween Block Party (HGTV, 8 PM) is "Hansel and Gretel." Unfortunately, the breadcrumb floor is deemed a building code violation.

Kang and Kodos return in the twentieth Treehouse of Horror episode of The Simpsons (FOX, 8 PM).

Jeremy London plays a werewolf fighting a Nazi vampire cult in the TV movie Wolvesbayne (SyFy, 9 PM). Okay... I guess it's a metaphor.

There are only four episodes left of Mad Men (AMC, 10 PM) this season. Sad! Tonight, Sterling Cooper marks its fortieth year in business.

October 19, 2009
Intervention In-depth: Pot City USA (A&E, 9 PM) explores issues surrounding pot growing in Humboldt, California. Are there issues with growing pot in California?

HBO Special: Schmatta: Rags to Riches to Rags (HBO, 9 PM) explores the history of New York's garment district. One segment will explore why "cupping" is necessary to make men's pants.

Monty Python: Almost the Truth (IFC, 9 PM) kicks off a six-night special on Monty Python's Flying Circus. Be on the lookout for dead parrots.

October 20, 2009
It's Halloween in Beverly Hills! That means fishnet tights and gratuitous cleavage! Annie is put under pressure to steal a car during a student film shoot and Dixon finds out something "life-changing" from Sasha. Could a baby be headed to 90210 (The CW, 8 PM)... again?

If I had the choice of meeting anyone on earth right now, it would be Jeff Lewis. (At a distant second is Leonardo DiCaprio.) Why Jeff Lewis? Because he'll bring me one step closer to being BFF with Zoila. Flipping Out (Bravo, 10 PM) ends a third season.

This week's Sons of Anarchy (FX, 10 PM) features prison fighting. (Insert prison shower joke here.)

October 21, 2009
The title of this week's episode of I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant (TLC, 8 PM) is "Is that a baby in your pants?" No, it's not. I'm just bloated.

Will composes a mash-up for a special occasion on Glee (FOX, 9 PM). More importantly, when will Terri give up her charade?

The traditional "Restaurant Wars" episode of Top Chef (Bravo, 10 PM) is tonight. Kevin should just win already and open an all-bacon restaurant.

If you haven't had the pleasure of cringing during Toddlers & Tiaras (TLC, 10 PM), you should catch this Arizona-themed episode. No show better captures how crazy some people (e.g. pageant parents) really are.

October 22, 2009
I want to live in a world in which puppets live alongside humans in harmony. The Jeff Dunham Show (Comedy Central, 9 PM) demonstrates why this day may never come. The comic and his menagerie of foam people make their debut tonight.

Jam returns from their honeymoon to The Office (NBC, 9 PM) and Michael reveals the identity of the new lady he's been dating. That's not going to go over well.

Devin Banks (Will Arnett) returns to 30 Rock (NBC, 9:30 PM) to exact revenge on Jack. Also, Kenneth volunteers at an animal shelter and probably says something crazy about raccoons or muskrats in Georgia.

Ultimate Parkour Challenge (MTV, 10 PM) is another excuse for people to find ways to visit the emergency room. If you're unsure of what Parkour is, it's basically running and jumping over, around, and through things like Jason Bourne would... except you're not Jason Bourne and most likely a bored teenage boy.

October 23, 2009
Supernanny (ABC, 8 PM), television's best form of birth control returns for a sixth season.

Medium (CBS, 9 PM) airs its 100th episode tonight. Allison investigates an infant's kidnapping.

My Super Psycho Sweet 16 (MTV, 10 PM) is the latest TV movie installment in the teen birthday madness that the network seems to love. Coming up next: My Super Lame Sweet 16 At the Skating Rink Sucks Because My Parents Could Only Afford A Kia Rio.

White Collar (USA, 10 PM) presents an updated look at indentured servitude. Neal (a charming con artist), is offered eventual freedom from prison by an FBI agent in exchange for his criminal expertise. Also starring Tiffani "Kelly Kapowski" Thiessen.

October 10, 2009
For those who remember Graham Norton's short-lived foray into American TV on Comedy Central, The Graham Norton Show enters a sixth season tonight (BBCA, 10 PM).

Adding to the catalogue of comedy specials featuring comic who scream jokes at their audiences (Lewis Black, Chris Rock), HBO Special: Wanda Sykes: I'ma Be Me (HBO, 10 PM) airs tonight.

Saturday Night Live (NBC, 11:30 PM), which has suffered recently due to Frat boy humor, will get a much-needed dose of estrogen this week with Drew Barrymore as host and Regina Spektor as musical guest.

October 11, 2009
On Brothers and Sisters (ABC, 10 PM), Kitty will tell everyone she has cancer. Womp, womp.

Dirty old man Hugh Hefner will show that he has even dirtier old man tendencies in the latest season of The Girls Next Door (E!, 10:30 PM), which will introduce his 20-year-old twin girlfriends. The twins look about 30, but they're 20. And they're orange.

Lorenzo Lamas, and the rest of his horribly obsolete "celebrity" family have their own reality show. Leave it to Lamas (E!, 11:00 PM) will make your eyes bleed. Not really. But you'll hate yourself for watching.

October 12, 2009
One thing that bothers me about Little People, Big World (TLC, 8 PM) is how the parents always seem to be worrying about money, yet they continue to build over-the-top things like tree houses and trebuchets at their family farm. A fifth season follows the castle construction drama.

Gossip Girl (The CW, 9 PM) will commit homicide on everything that was once good with the world when Sonic Youth performs in this wedding episode.

Million Dollar Listing (Bravo, 11 PM) follows three young, egotistical Los Angeles real estate agents for a third season. I must comment on Chad's hair. His stupid haircut (which probably cost more than my fillings) makes him look like a real-life Super-Mario Brothers mushroom. Not a good look.

October 13, 2009
The younger, angrier cousin of Top Chef, Hell's Kitchen (FOX, 8 PM) wraps up another season tonight.

If there's anything I became an expert on while growing up in the suburbs, it's hip-hop. VH1 Special: 2009 Hip Hop Honors (VH1, 9 PM) pays tribute to Def Jam with host Tracy Morgan.

October 14, 2009
So You Think You Can Dance (FOX, 8 PM) heads to Las Vegas for more auditions.

On tonight's Cougar Town (ABC, 9:30 PM), Jules tries to get Grayson to admit that she's hot. I get it already. Courteney Cox is hot even though she's over 40, and other women over 40 must beg younger men for validation.

Nip/Tuck (FX, 10 PM) begins the slow ride into the big TV series graveyard in the sky with the premiere of what will be the first part of a sixth and final season. Nothing was ever the same for me once I found out who The Carver was. Ah, nostalgia.

October 15, 2009
Fred Armisen guest stars as a Parks Department official from Pawnee's sister city of Boraqua, Venezuela on Parks and Recreation (NBC, 8:30 PM). Bienvenido a Pawnee! (Four years of high school Spanish, thank you very much.)

Sam and Dean investigate murders that resemble urban legends on Supernatural (The CW, 9 PM). The first victim: a babysitter who gets a call from inside the house!

Some show with Tina Fey called 30 Rock (NBC, 9:30 PM) returns tonight. Never heard of it. Kidding!

The post-Paul Blart: Mall Cop glory days will continue with TLC Special: Mall Cops: Mall of America (TLC, 10 PM).

October 16, 2009
Fans of Deadliest Catch, do not despair! Lobstermen (Discovery, 10 PM) follows men off the far coast of New England hunting for a crustacean worth over $30 billion in trade each year. That's a lot of awkward prom dates at Red Lobster.

The fall season finale of Psych (USA, 10 PM) features a crime involving an ice cream truck: the ice cream man runs out of Tweety Bird pops.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Uh-oh. Things will go horribly awry for an unsuspecting couple driving through Nebraska in yet another TV remake of a Stephen King movie. Children in funny hats will do very naughty things in Children of the Corn (SyFy, 9:00 PM).

Megan Fox hosts Saturday Night Live (NBC, 11:30 PM) for the show's 35th season premiere. U2 will provide some music. And maybe we'll laugh for once.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

The Amazing Race (CBS, 8:00 PM) returns for a 15th season with the teams starting out in Japan. I already can't stand Lance -- he had this to say about his fiancée Keri in the cast intro: "You know, she's a woman, she's emotional." Shut it, Lance.

The Simpsons (FOX, 8:00 PM) will hang on for dear life in a 21st season, while the politically incorrect The Cleveland Show (FOX, 8:30 PM) and Family Guy (FOX, 9:00 PM) will place college boys under Seth Macfarlane-induced cardiac arrest.

Michael C. Hall will play double duty as a dad and serial-killing vigilante in the fourth season of Dexter (Showtime, 9:00 PM). Dexter may accessorize his drab killing uniform with a Baby Bjorn.

Desperate Housewives (ABC, 9:00 PM) returns for a sixth season. Drea de Matteo will play the latest housewife living on Wisteria Lane. Her character is Italian (shocking!) and has secrets (gasp!).

Monday, September 28, 2009

House (FOX, 8:00 PM) is looking good this season.

Tim Roth is a scary man. You'll be even more scared of him once he reads every nuance on your face in the second season of Lie to Me (FOX, 9:00 PM).

There are only two sure bets for hour-long dramas: cop shows or medical shows. Trauma (NBC, 9:00 PM) is a medical show. With explosions.

If you haven't seen it yet, the season finale of Hoarders (A&E, 10:00 PM) is something to catch. It's an honest look at people with very difficult compulsions.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

This week's episode of 90210 (The CW, 8:00 PM) is titled "The Porn King." Apparently, Dixon is hoarding porn in the trunk of his luxury sports car. Bad little rich boy.

If you care, Shark Tank (ABC, 8:00 PM) is in a new timeslot. It's pretty interesting to see how products we don't need make it into stores. My favorite was this guy who tried to pitch something called "Dream Water" to help people sleep. We already have that. It's called booze.

I never wished that I had been blind until I saw Tom Delay booty dance. Dancing with the Stars moves into a new timeslot (ABC, 9:00 PM).

Kristen Cavallari returns to The Hills (MTV, 10:00 PM) to stir the pot of SoCal stupidity. Spencer and Heidi will argue about whether they should spawn.

Like, double your brain cell loss with, like, The City (MTV, 10:30 PM).

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Hank (ABC, 8:00 PM), a.k.a. Frasier: Part Deux premieres tonight. Kelsey Grammer plays a fancy city dweller forced to live in a podunk Virginia town while "struggling to figure out how to mingle with the little people -- like his family." Ouch.

Wow! I didn't think there would be enough oblivious women left for a second season of I Didn't Know I was Pregnant (TLC, 9:00 PM).

The Middle (ABC, 8:30 PM) premieres tonight, starring Patricica Heaton as a middle-class mother living in middle America and heading toward middle age. The title worked out for this show.

Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Ruins (MTV, 10:00 PM) premieres tonight. I'm wondering if some of the series regulars (Wes, Adam, etc.) have some sort of a pension plan. No matter -- Chet from The Real World: New York will be back and rocking the bowtie.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

The penguin wedding featured in the second season premiere of Parks and Recreation (NBC, 8:30 PM) was pretty cute. This show is winning over my affection -- and I think I'll have to start calling tomatoes Soulja Boy Tell-'Em's.

Weird things continue to happen on Fringe (FOX, 9:00 PM).

Watch horrible, selfish people do horrible, selfish things. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (FX, 10:00 PM) is the perfect flavor of offensive.

Private Practice (ABC, 10:00 PM) premieres for a third season and will pick up in the aftermath of the attack on pregnant Violet.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Shockingly enough, 'Til Death (FOX, 8:30 PM) is coming back for a fourth season.

Stargate Universe (SyFy, 9:00 PM) will add to the popular franchise. A portion of an upcoming episode was filmed in Alamogordo, New Mexico. I went to Alamogordo in sixth grade for space camp. This can't be a simple coincidence.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Do you like paintings of flowers that are meant to represent vaginas? Then Georgia O'Keefe (Lifetime, 9 PM) may be a good choice for you. The biopic stars Joan Allen and Jeremy Irons as the iconic artist and her husband, Alfred Stieglitz. The cast alone proves once again that Lifetime is a force to be reckoned with.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

It's time to give out some more gold-plated statuettes: The Primetime Emmy Awards (CBS, 8 PM) will be hosted by Neil Patrick Harris. Hopefully Harris will put some life into this year's attempt at award show patter. (2nd option: Maybe Harris will put some life back into this flailing award show and snort some coke off of a stripper's ass.) 30 Rock leads with 22 nominations, while True Blood is nominated for its opening title sequence. Titles! They are good titles, but come on.

Perennially miffed Larry David returns to a 7th season of Curb Your Enthusiasm (HBO, 9:00 PM) with a Seinfeld reunion up his sleeve.

Jason Schwartzman comes to cable TV in Bored to Death (HBO, 9:30 PM), playing a pot-smoking writer who moonlights as an amateur detective. The perfectly awkward Zach Galifianakis and the always-awesome Ted Danson provide backup.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Break out your Capezio's and sequins -- Dancing with the Stars (ABC, 8:00 PM) returns tonight. If you consider Aaron Carter, Melissa Joan Hart and Tom DeLay to be stars, then you're permitted to do a happy-dance. I didn't mean literally. Okay, stop.

Will it ever end? Heroes (NBC, 8:00 PM) comes crawling back for a fourth season.

The beloved Barney Stinson and company return on the reliable How I Met Your Mother (CBS, 8:00 PM) for a 7th season.

House (FOX, 8:00 PM) will be heading up a psych ward this season. Crazy always makes for great TV.

It's common knowledge that if you're a woman without a baby by your mid-30s, you fail at life. Jenna Elfman carries a dimly-lit torch for baby-crazed older women everywhere and plays a film critic who gets pregnant by a much younger man (cougar alert!) in Accidentally on Purpose (CBS, 8:00 PM).

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

We're already rooting for Abby on The Biggest Loser (NBC, 8:00 PM). I'm hoping Jillian will go ahead and skip to the part where she has her team bench press her.

Great. Dancing with the Stars (ABC, 8:00 PM) is on two days in a row.

Chris O'Donnell finally emerges from whatever cave he's been hiding in since he donned a cape alongside Batman to star in a spinoff: NCIS: Los Angeles (CBS, 9:00 PM) premieres tonight. LL Cool J also stars and will lick his lips in between lines.

Julianna Margulies is finally poised for a post-ER comeback. Margulies kicks ass and takes names as the wife of a two-timing politician (Chris Noth) in The Good Wife (CBS, 10:00 PM).

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Mercy (NBC, 8:00) promises to be horrible. May JC have mercy on your soul if you watch this.

Modern Family (ABC, (9:00 PM) could be a success if people ever learn to love their family sitcoms without a laugh track. I'm talking to you, people who love Raymond.

Courtney Cox returns to TV in Cougar Town (ABC, 9:30 PM), which should redeem her for Dirt. Although the title is horrendous, Cox is back in good comedic form.

A special 200th episode of MTV's documentary series, The True Adventures of True Life (MTV, 10:00 PM) airs tonight. I could star in my own episode: "True Life: I'm addicted to watching True Life." No, seriously.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

In spite of it there not being a presidential election this year, SNL Weekend Update Thursday in Primetime (NBC, 8:00 PM) will air tonight.

FlashForward (ABC, 8:00 PM) is meant to be the next big thing in the "What the hell just happened?" genre. It even has Dominic Monaghan, freshly killed off from fellow mindbender Lost.

The preview for the season premiere of CSI (CBS, 9:00 PM) looks eerily similar to another Laurence Fishburne project. Men in black suits and sunglasses, bullets paused in mid-air... I can't really place it. Oh well -- I'm happy as long as they show dead bodies!

I don't subscribe to the Katherine Heigl hate club, but if you care about Lexie and "Sex Tape" McSteamy, Grey's Anatomy (ABC, 9:00 PM) is returning tonight.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Jennifer Love Hewitt and her bountiful bouncing bosom return for a 5th season of Ghost Whisperer (CBS, 8:00 PM). Who cares? Oh yeah, she has big boobs.

The latest Joss Whedon brainchild, Dollhouse (FOX, 9:00 PM), returns for its second season. We're hoping this one will stick around.

Medium (CBS, 9:00 PM) makes the move from NBC to CBS, giving the network a solid two hours of ghost shows. They have the goth teenage girl demographic cornered.

Even though I've only watched Numb3rs (CBS, 10:00 PM) once, I'm just glad knowing that David Krumholtz is getting steady work.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

The MTV VMAs (MTV, VH1 for some reason, 9 PM) are on tonight. Finally, someone publicly recognizes Twilight and the Jonas Brothers. And nothing else.

True Blood (HBO 9 PM) season finale time. You have no idea how badly I want Maryann dead. I hope it's the most unpleasant, most gruesome, merciless, undignified death in the history of television. I love Michelle Forbes, but I have hated that character with the fire of a thousand suns since day one.

Monday, September 14, 2009

One Tree Hill (The CW, 8 PM) is back, and the last time I insinuated that it wasn't a very good show I got some of the most violent hate mail I have ever received (which is saying something, believe me), so I'm saving my inbox the trauma and just -- yay!!! One Tree Hill, everybody! Best show ever! Who needs the stars of the show when you have all those other people for an entire season and hopefully a hundred more?!

Gossip Girl (The CW, 9 PM) goes to college this year. It very may well be the death toll for the show and that's all very upsetting and everything, but I'm thinking positive. Specifically, I'm thinking of Blair doing keg stands. Very positively.

The Jay Leno Show (NBC, 10 PM) premiere is also finally happening. Please don't watch it.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Premiere month is so great. The Biggest Loser (NBC, 8 PM) returns tonight, where it will continue to be the most satisfying reality show in the history of television. Plus, no couples this time! Each contestant is going it alone this year, and I'm psyched.

He's picking Malissa on More to Love (Fox, 8 PM). There's no question about this, right? Why are we even doing the finale?

I'm putting Shaq Vs. (ABC, 9 PM) in here pretty much just for Angel, who, despite his constant overt doucheness, remains loyal to her man Michael Phelps, who will be embarrassing Shaq in an Olympic-sized pool on tonight's finale. I hope someday we all find true love like that.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

The Beautiful Life (The CW, 9 PM) is probably going to kill Mischa Barton, and it's not even very good anyway, but it sure does premiere tonight!

Glee (Fox, 9 PM) boasts Josh Groban and Victor Garber (in a bowtie!) tonight. It's so precious I could die.

On tonight's Top Chef (Bravo, 10 PM) Tom will spit out food that Padma calls "disgusting." Padma spits out food all the time because she's a delicate princess (God love her), but Tom is made of steel. I have to know what this diabolical dish is.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Bones (Fox, 8 PM) sets out to make up for its terrible season finale last year with a brand new season of relentlessly quirky crime-solving.

Survivor: Samoa (CBS, 8 PM) is also back. This night is kind of out of control, as you'll soon see.

Parks and Recreation (Fox, 8:30 PM) returns tonight, and NBC executives have promised it will actually be funny this year!

Please, please, please watch Fringe (Fox, 9 PM) in its new, unfortunate timeslot. Don't let Fox kill another show I love.

I don't care about The Office (NBC, 9 PM) anymore, but I am aware that most people do. It's back tonight, Jam are spawning and getting married, it's all very romantic.

Community (NBC, 9:30 PM), and Joel McHale's acting in it, are both much, much better than I thought they would be. I wouldn't get too attached to it, though -- this thing has annoyingly early cancellation written all over it.

If you're not watching It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (FX, 10 PM), you should know that it's the funniest thing in the world. In tonight's premiere, Mac and Dennis pose as real estate agents and try to play good cop/bad cop with perspective buyers of homes they have no business pretending they have the authority to sell.