January 23, 2010

Tonight is the 16th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards (TNT and TBS, 8 PM). While some people call them the SAG Awards, I don't call them anything, because who cares about them at all? That being said, I'll be so excited if Modern Family wins Best Comedy.

I was living in Boston when those teenage girls all got pregnant at Gloucester High, which is why I'll be watching The Pregnancy Pact (LIFETIME, 9 PM). It's totally not because I'm a fan of Camryn Manheim or genuinely enjoyed other dramatic Lifetime movies, such as the 2004 classic She's Too Young. No sir, not me!

January 24, 2010

Sports really hog the airwaves all day today! Since the Patriots are out of the running, I feel secure in my decision to watch Food Network Challenge: Beauty Pageant Cakes (Food Network, 8 PM). The cake designers have to make a cake to commemorate some beauty pageant, but the catch is that real-life stage moms will be their assistants! $10 says one of the moms suggests spray tanning their cake and ruining its chances at a normal adult life.

Man, you guys on the TWoP forums are the best! I was so excited to see that over 24,000 of you have read the thread about Frank the Entertainer in a Basement Affair (VH1, 8 PM). This week keeps the trashy bar high when Frank challenges the women to a "wet-and-wild" bikini softball game.

For the people out there who like slightly heartbreaking medical mystery shows (i.e., things my brothers' girlfriends love), tonight is the special presentation of The Tiniest Girl in the World (TLC, 9 PM).

January 25, 2010

After a pretty great season finale, Damages (FX, 10 PM) returns for its third season premiere this evening.

It's a good thing I have a DVR, because between a two-night, four-hour season premiere and time slot changes, I would be totally lost about when 24 (FOX, 9 PM) came on. I guess I could technically watch the episodes online, but it's not the same when I have to sit through ten seconds of commercials, you know?

Greek (ABC FAMILY, 10 PM) returns tonight for its Season Three winter premiere. I'd tell you the premise of this episode, but just imagine every other plotline about college students ever and it'll come to you.

Tonight is the two-episode series premiere of The Inbetweeners (BBC America, 9 PM). For a show about four British high-school losers, the show sure has a pretty cool name. Shouldn't it be about alien invaders from another dimension or something?

January 26, 2010

Can you believe this is our last Tuesday before Lost returns? It feels like it was just yesterday that Juliet desperately grabbed hold of the Jughead and maybe set it off. If you want to get yourself psyched for some crazy stuff, why not watch Psychic Kids: Children of the Paranormal (A&E, 9 PM)? This episode is about two girls whose nightmares come true, which for me would be Kate and Sawyer ending up together.

Tonight's the season finale of Teen Mom (MTV, 10 PM). I've been waiting all season for Tyler to pop the question to Catelynn and, unless the promos lied, tonight is the night! I am going to cry just thinking about it.

The most hated man in Judaism and the most hated man on the Internet (two organizations with whom I am exclusively affiliated) join forces tonight when Mel Gibson is a guest on The Jay Leno Show (NBC, 10 PM).

January 27, 2010

The State of the Union (NBC, FOX, CNN, 9 PM) is tonight. President Barack Obama will be addressing Congress and the nation, and something tells me it won't be as delightful as Oprah's Christmas at the White House was.

Psych (USA, 10 PM) is back with its fourth season winter premiere. This episode is going to have a crazy plotline related to the Army, which could be really sad based on what Obama says during the State of the Union.

Tonight's the season finale of Launch My Line (BRAVO, 10 PM). It's down to the DJ with the barely-there dresses; the earthy, hippie jewelry designer; and the Peggy Bundy lookalike who loves convertible clothing. And maybe we'll finally be able to figure out which DSquared2 twin is which.

January 28, 2010

Live for the Moment (CBS, 8 PM) debuts tonight. This show is basically Survivor host Jeff Probst playing "Make a Wish" for adults. It's totally contrived and the biggest waste of tissues since Extreme Home Makeover.

Tonight are the season premieres of America's Best Dance Crew (MTV, 10 PM) and Taking the Stage (MTV, 11 PM). Now that Teen Mom and Jersey Shore are over, I think I may finally be free from MTV's chains for a few weeks until Season Two of Sixteen and Pregnant airs.

I'm especially intrigued by this week's episode of Vampire Diaries (The CW, 8 PM) because I'm a total sucker when it comes to things that are '50s-themed. They even titled this episode "Unpleasantville"! Come on!

January 29, 2010

We say goodbye to Dollhouse (FOX, 8 PM) tonight. Series finales are saaad.

I don't know what it is about staying in on Friday nights, but whenever I do, I just want to watch cooking shows. Lucky for me, Kitchen Nightmares (FOX, 9 PM) returns tonight for its third season premiere. It also bears mentioning that I feel confident predicting that Chef Ramsey will throw up in this episode.

January 16, 2010

There's a Chopped (Food Network, 8 PM) mini-marathon on tonight, complete with that one episode where judge Scott Conant is like, "I despise red onions!" and then two dumb chefs use red onions in their next dishes, and then Conant chops them and is all like, "It's not because you used red onions!"

January 17, 2010

Tonight are the 2010 Golden Globe Awards Red Carpet Special (NBC, 7 PM) and the 67th Annual Golden Globe Awards (NBC, 8 PM) hosted by the wonderful Ricky Gervais.

According to its press release, in the first part of the 2-night, 4-hour season premiere of 24 (FOX, 8 PM), Jack Bauer is "unwillingly drawn back into action." Meanwhile, Americans everywhere are slightly disappointed that this episode's hours are 6:00 PM - 8:00 PM, because if they were pushed ahead a few hours, it would feel like real-time! Well, there's always tomorrow night.

Also on tonight is Aziz Ansari: Intimate Moments For A Sensual Evening (Comedy Central, 10 PM), which has got to be the world's best thing to flip to during commercials or if Entourage wins Best Comedy.

January 18, 2010

Tonight is the series premiere Life Unexpected (The CW, 9 PM). The drama is marketed as "Juno meets Gilmore Girls," but I think a more appropriate description would be "True Life: I'm Homeless meets Let's Make a Deal."

Often, after a long day of bidding, as I sit back in my tufted antique Italian-leather chair, sip on a smooth glass of Courvoisier Cognac and watch Teen Moon, I am bombarded with annoying commercials for crappy new shows. Premiering tonight are the two most obnoxious of those promoted: The Buried Life (MTV, 10 PM) and My Life As Liz (MTV 10:30 PM).

January 19, 2010

Better Off Ted (ABC, 9:30 PM) sounds especially funny this week when Ted hits it off with a girl who doesn't speak a word of English, thanks to a new technology device.

While I'm excited for the 3rd season premiere of Millionaire Matchmaker (Bravo, 10 PM), I am still in shock that someone is actually willing to marry Patti. I recommend checking out the show's page for an awesomely airbrushed picture of our girl.

White Collar (USA, 10 PM) is back for its first-season winter premiere in a new time slot. Neal Caffrey is no Bryce Larkin, I'll tell you that much.

January 20, 2010

The comic book-based Human Target (FOX, 9 PM) debuts tonight in a special timeslot. It will move back to 8 PM on Wednesdays from now on -- that is, of course, if Christopher Chance can survive the first episode! (Seriously -- him dying would be hell on the ratings.)

Get your baby's tan on tonight while watching the Season 3 premiere of Toddlers & Tiaras (TLC, 10PM).

January 21, 2010

TWoP recommends The Deep End (ABC, 8 PM) as your new guilty pleasure this season. The series premiere is tonight, giving you plenty of time to arbitrarily pick characters to hate.

If you need one reason not to change the channel when Grey's Anatomy (ABC, 9 PM) comes on afterwards, the episode title alone just may do the trick: "I Like You So Much Better When You're Naked."

In honor of the two hour season finale of Jersey Shore (MTV, 10 PM), I will make dinner for all of my roommates then absolutely refuse to clean anything, weirdly be in love with someone I met two days beforehand, and turn 55 years old.

January 22, 2010

For those of you who missed the DVD release, the pilot of Caprica (SyFy, 9 PM) makes its television debut tonight. After you watch it (or if you want spoilers) check out our in-depth recap for some in-depth coverage.

George Clooney's charity telethon Hope for Haiti (Most Major Networks, 8 PM) will run commercial-free tonight for two hours.

I love The Best Thing I Ever Ate (Food Network, 10 PM), but between long-winded Giada De Laurentiis segments and titling this episode "Salty Goodness," I think the show may be trying to market more to frat guys than actual foodies.

January 9, 2010

Apparently we are the only people confused by Charles Barkley hosting the first Saturday Night Live (NBC, 11:30 PM) of the decade. If he's not funny, you guys owe us a dollar! Double or nothing if musical guest Alicia Keys doesn't play "Empire State of Mind."

January 10, 2010

A big congratulations to The Simpsons(FOX, 8:00 PM), a show that is celebrating both their 450th episode and 20th anniversary. As a gift to their loyal viewers, Family Guy will not be on tonight.

The fourth season premiere of Big Love (HBO, 9 PM) will no doubt have drama, backstabbing, polygamy, and my mom watching.

Chuck (NBC, 9 PM) returns(!) to us with a two-hour(!) third season premiere(!) tonight(!)!

January 11, 2010

Neil Patrick Harris performs a musical number on the 100th episode of How I Met Your Mother (CBS, 8 PM). We're also supposed to get some clues about the Mother but they'll probably just throw us off the trail of the scent.

A new episode of Fringe (FOX, 9 PM) at a special time contains many mysteries, one of them being whether or not this is an unaired episode from season one.

January 12, 2010

It's that time of year again: American Idol (FOX, 8 PM) has it's two-hour season premiere tonight with the Boston auditions. Or, should I say, tahnight in Bahstan? Thank you, ladies and gentlemen!

Is your life not yet depressing enough to sit through two hours of Idol? Treat yourself to I'm Pregnant And... In Prison (HEALTH, 9:30 PM) and you'll be all geared up for tomorrow's 75-minute Atlanta auditions.

January 13, 2010

Catch the always hilarious Modern Family (ABC, 9 PM) tonight with special guests Chazz Palminteri and Kristen Schaal.

Tonight is the series premiere of Our Little Genius (FOX, 9:15 PM), the all-quiz show that "gives real child geniuses a chance to put their incredible knowledge to the test and win life-changing money for their families." No pressure or anything, Kevin, age 8.

January 14, 2010

Two episodes of 30 Rock (NBC, 9 PM) tonight, the first of which guest stars James Franco. When asked to comment, Franco told TWoP: "Rachel Stein, I have always loved you. Run away with me!" James, you do go on!

Awww yea, Project Runway (Lifetime, 10 PM) returns tonight for the seventh season premiere. The gang's back where they truly belong, in New York City. Nicole Richie will guest judge and I may or may not crap my pants in excitement.

January 15, 2010

While The Singing Bee (CMT, 9 PM) may be the worst show I have ever seen, that doesn't mean that I'm not addicted to it. Tonight's third season premiere is sure to be filled with bad country songs and an even worse house band playing them.

Between all of the season premieres and finales, anniversary episodes, and hours of terrible game shows this week, don't miss tonight's episode of The Soup (E!, 10 PM) because Joel McHale's commentary is truly chicken soup for the mean soul.

December 19, 2009
The first of three final specials follows the Doctor to Mars, where he has to save the human race from a spreading infection, in Doctor Who: Waters of Mars (BBCA, 9 PM).

Modern-day renaissance man James Franco is hosting Saturday Night Live (NBC, 11:30 PM) this week. Muse is the musical guest, but I only know who they are because they had a song on the American Eagle Outfitters soundtrack when I worked there.

December 20, 2009
The preview for the season finale of Survivor (CBS, 8 PM) calls eternally-shirtless Russell the "most evil player ever." I would agree, due to him thinking that he's a king simply because someone dropped some grapes in his mouth.

I'm not sure why, but George Lopez is hosting the special Christmas in Washington (TNT, 8 PM), which features Rob Thomas, Neil Diamond, Mary J. Blige, and Usher.

Kendra: Here Comes Baby (E!, 9 PM) documents the birth of Kendra and Hank's son. Will Hef show up to the delivery room in person?

December 21, 2009
Gone so soon! The Sing-Off (NBC, 8 PM) season finale features a Boyz II Men reunion. Quick, someone find Nick Lachey some work!

The 5th season finale of The Closer (TNT, 9 PM) airs tonight.

December 22, 2009
My personal favorite Christmas-themed movie, Christmas Vacation (AMC, 8 PM) may be a good choice for your more cynical family members.

Tonight's episode of Scrubs (ABC, 8:30PM) features what the preview calls "an interracial Hardy Boys parody." Um, should I be offended?

An alternative to the drama of MTV's Teen Mom is I'm Pregnant...And 55 Years Old (Health, 9:30 PM). I can safely say that this mother's biggest problem is probably not finishing high school.

I generally like to stay away from the shows that my sister enjoys, but this season of The Bad Girls Club (Oxygen, 10 PM) is enjoyable due to the presence of a certain bad girl. Look for Natalie to declare that she "runs LA" about every 4.3 seconds, whatever that means.

December 23, 2009
CBS Special: A Home for the Holidays (CBS, 8 PM) features performances by Faith Hill, Reba McEntire, and the apparently very Christmas-friendly Mary J. Blige. She must have an album coming out.

Of course there's more to see on Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Sh*t They Should Have Shown (MTV, 10 PM). There's always another former Real Worlder looking to extend their 15minutes.

December 24, 2009
It's A Wonderful Life (NBC, 8 PM) may be the greatest Christmas story ever told. When I was a kid I always thought it would be cool to have a wicker wheelchair just like Lionel Barrymore's when I get old. They probably don't make them like they used to.

The series finale of Raising the Bar (TNT, 10 PM) airs tonight, following two previously unaired episodes. A sad day, indeed, for Zach Morris.

December 25, 2009
Even though you'll probably wish you shot both of your eyes out with BB gun after 24 hours of A Christmas Story (TNT, 8 PM 12/24 to 8PM 12/25), it's hard to avoid this holiday classic.

December 12, 2009
After reading over the nominees for Spike TV's Video Game Awards 2009 (Spike, 8 PM), I realized that I know hardly anything about gaming, except for Mario and Princess Peach. Oh, and that game with guns and hookers. Kids like that stuff, right?

The buffest werewolf this side of anywhere, Taylor Lautner, is hosting Saturday Night Live (NBC, 11:30 PM) this weekend. Bon Jovi will perform as well.

December 13, 2009
I've never wanted Dexter to kill anyone more than I want him to kill Trinity. The season finale of Dexter (Showtime, 9 PM) promises huge twists and a major showdown between Trinity and Dexter. Deb also learns more about Dexter's identity.

I'm not sure if I'll watch The Jacksons: A Family Dynasty (A&E, 10 PM). It just seems so intrusive. And wrong. Okay, I'm sold.

Keeping Up with The Kardashians (E!, 10 PM) only managed to stay away from TV for a few short weeks since the wedding special. What great things will the Kardashian sisters contribute to culture this season?

The People Speak (History, 8 PM) is a documentary stemming from Howard Zinn's book A People's History of the United States. Matt Damon produced, and countless other actors and artists will appear in the documentary.

December 14, 2009
Christmas is coming up, just in case you haven't seen the gazillion Christmas-themed ads on TV. In the special Jennifer Hudson: I'll Be Home for Christmas (ABC, 8 PM), the singer performs around Chicago. Michael Buble will be there, too.

The twist in the new singing competition show, Sing-Off (NBC, 8 PM), is that everything is completely a capella. This show is completely necessary.

The second season finale of Lie to Me (FOX, 9 PM) airs tonight.

December 15, 2009
I couldn't believe how calm Gordon Ramsay appeared in the preview for the Fox special Gordon Ramsay: Cookalong Live (FOX, 9 PM). I'm still afraid that he'll yell at me through the TV for not properly oiling a pan.

Paranormal State (A&E, 10 PM) premieres for a fourth season.

I doubt that too many of the commercials featured on TBS Special: Funniest Commericals of the Year (TBS, 10 PM) will be that funny. Yet somehow people still laugh at the Geico caveman commercials.

December 16, 2009
The sixth season finale of So You Think You Can Dance (FOX, 8 PM) is tonight. Both members of the married couple are still in the running. Adorable!

In case you missed it, Mike Voltaggio is Top Chef, and he came in second to none other than his brother Bryan. The Top Chef: Watch What Happens Reunion (Bravo, 9 PM) is hosted by my imaginary BFF, Andy Cohen.

I still watch Nip/Tuck (FX, 10 PM). Does that make me lame? If it does, so be it. Find out where Christian and Sean leave off in the sixth season finale.

Tune in to The Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Reunion Show (MTV, 10PM). Now that $300,000 has been distributed amongst several challenge cast members, that income will only last until the next challenge. And all the same people will be there again.

December 17, 2009
The documentary BBC America: The Truth About Online Anorexia (BBCA, 8 PM) explores pro-ana websites. Kind of cringeworthy, but also intriguing.

I had thought Gilly was a funny character at first, but I'm starting to see through her cold exterior. Kristen Wiig stars in a two-hour Saturday Night Live: A Very Gilly Christmas (NBC, 8 PM) special. Sorry.

If you're not easily offended and you like political cartoons, SuperNews (Current TV, 11 PM) airs every Thursday night and just might be for you.

December 18, 2009
Crash (Starz, 10 PM) wraps up a second season tonight.

December 5, 2009
Kristin Chenoweth stars in the original movie 12 Men of Christmas (Lifetime, 9 PM), which is about a woman who gets dumped by her fiancé and moves from NYC to Kaispell, MT. And then she gets 12 local guys to pose for a sexy calendar to raise money for a good cause.

OMG. Blake Lively is hosting Saturday Night Live (NBC, 11:30 PM). Rihanna is going to be there too, but she's probably only going to perform songs from that awful new album, so we advise you to record and fast-forward for her bits.

December 6, 2009
Alice (SyFy, 9 PM) is a re-imagining of Alice in Wonderland, except in this one Alice has a black belt in karate and Kathy Bates is playing the Queen of Hearts.

Robin Williams: Weapons of Self-Destruction (HBO, 9 PM) is Williams' latest HBO Special, and the first since he's had heart surgery. Godspeed, Mork.

The fifth season finale of The Girls Next Door (E!, 10:30 PM) documents Kendra's baby shower. Not only does Kendra feature her bosom in a poorly-chosen dress, but Hef wears a little fedora.

December 7, 2009
If you enjoy country music and Christmas, Carrie Underwood: An All-Star Holiday Special (FOX, 8 PM) is for you. If you don't like either of those things, you're clearly un-American. Oh well!

Ray Romano, Scott Bakula, and Andre Braugher star in the premiere of Men of A Certain Age (TNT, 10 PM). A rejected title of this show: Men of A Certain Age Need Viagra. They're not that old, you guys.

The third season finale of Million Dollar Listing (Bravo, 10 PM) features a final showdown between Josh and Chad. Isn't it sad how Josh threatened Starla, Chad's dog? Well, not as sad as Chad's haircut.

December 8, 2009
The 8th season finale of The Biggest Loser (NBC, 8 PM) is tonight. Did you guys see that article in The New York Times last week? Someone who used to be on the show said that he was peeing blood because of unsafe dieting practice. The sacrifices we make to be thin.

The secret of Annie's involvement in a hit-and-run is revealed on 90210 (The CW, 8 PM). Naomi also says that she's been "tanning her tatas" in anticipation of spending Christmas in St. Bart's. Good luck with that.

Do you remember Better Off Ted (ABC, 9:30 PM)? Did you enjoy it? If you answered yes to both of those questions, your show is returning for a second season.

Wow, first Jersey Shore and now this? MTV continues to hit it out of the park with Teen Mom (MTV, 10 PM).

December 9, 2009
Last chance for Glee (FOX, 9 PM)!!! The fall season finale of everyone's favorite musical dramedy is tonight! "Sectionals" will be the last new episode before April.

Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck, and Kate Gosselin all made the list for Barbara Walters Presents: The 10 Most Fascinating People of 2009 (ABC, 10 PM). The trinity has finally been united. This is very much a portent of the apocalypse.

The season finale of the Real World/Road Rules Challenge (MTV, 10 PM) airs tonight, once again leaving several Real World and Road Rules stars unemployed. What can you pledge to help them?

Top Chef (Bravo, 10 PM) season finale! It's bacon-loving Kevin vs. the Voltaggio brothers! I predict the brothers will have their own show by next summer. I'm rooting for Kevin, though. How about you?

December 10, 2009
Anthony Michael Hall is guest-starring on Community (NBC, 8 PM) as a bully. I will make no further comment on any connections in current events.

Leslie Knope is caught in a sex scandal on Parks and Recreation (NBC, 8:30 PM). Ron Swanson covers Leslie's work for the day and soon finds out how hard Ms. Knope's job truly is. Louis C.K. also guest stars.

Who gonna check me boo? I'm hoping for more Sheree's confrontation with the inept party planner on The Real Housewives of Atlanta The Lost Footage (Bravo, 9 PM).

The fifth season finale of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (FX, 10 PM). I am very grateful to this season for teaching us The D.E.N.N.I.S system. It explains everything about well, everything.

Over so soon? The first season finale of The League (FX, 10:30 PM) airs tonight. If you haven't seen it, it's worth it.

December 11, 2009
Yes, Virginia (CBS, 8 PM) is an animated special about a young girl, Virginia, who writes to Santa Clause in 1897. Those are the tough days, when people actually got coal for Christmas. Good luck, Virginia.

Four Weddings (TLC, 10 PM) could possibly be the biggest carnage-filled event on television this month. Four brides attend each other's weddings and judge them. You, know, just for kicks.

November 28, 2009
It's only four weeks until Christmas, and we all know what that means: 'Tis the season for cheesy TV movies. National Tree (Hallmark, 8 PM) stars Andrew McCarthy (yes, the Andrew McCarthy) and a boy from Save the Last Dance 2 as a father and son driving to Washington D.C. with a special tree in tow.

Beyond Sherwood Forest (SyFy, 9 PM) is a strange re-imagining of the classic Robin Hood tale. In this version, the Sheriff of Nottingham uses some crazy flying dragon to try and catch Robin Hood.

November 29, 2009
The Dog Who Saved Christmas (ABC Family, 8 PM) stars Mario Lopez as the voice of a mischievous dog left home alone while his family is out and about. While this is happening, two thugs (one of whom is Dean Cain) try to rob the house, but the dog deters them with silly pranks. This is Home Alone with a dog. It looks awful, but kids might like it.

If you have four hours free, catch Bruce Springsteen, U2, Sting, and pretty much any rock act you can think of performing on the 25th Anniversary Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Concert (HBO, 8 PM). Just change the channel when The Black Eyed Peas come on. They're not rock and roll.

Taraji P. Henson and Terence "Baby Wipes" Howard host the 2009 Soul Train Awards (BET, 9 PM). Michael Jackson already won the Entertainer of the Year Award.

November 30, 2009
The least annoying show about weird-looking cakes, Cake Boss (TLC, 9 PM) moves to a new time slot. I'm not sure what fondant is or if it can possibly taste good, but that's one of the most-used words in this show.

Chuck finds out something potentially damaging about Serena and Trip on Gossip Girl (The CW, 9 PM). The previews tell us that "Thanksgiving if full of secrets," which is true. My mom lied about buying a pre-cooked turkey once.

Hoarders (A&E, 10 PM) is hard to watch, but I would recommend it because it shows you the bad things can happen just in case you decide to never take out the garbage. Noxious fumes galore.

December 1, 2009
I was a little confused when I found out about Britain's Missing Top Model (BBCA, 9 PM). The show is about young women with disabilities who want to become models. But does the "missing" refer to what they are actually without, or whether Britain is "missing" a disabled model? I'm either offended or pleased. I cannot decide.

Scrubs (ABC, 9:30 PM) seems as though it will never go away. A 9th season will have Dr. Cox, J.D., and Turk teaching medical school, which just seems forced. Also, Elliott is preggers with J.D.'s kid because this show needs another baby.

Look, boobies! In diamond-encrusted bras! The Victoria's Secret Fashion Show (CBS, 10 PM) will be watched by men across America while their wives and girlfriends roll their eyes in annoyance.

On the season finale of The Hills (MTV, 10 PM), a portent of the apocalypse may come true if Speidi is indeed with child. Also, Justin-Bobby and Kristin decide on whether they should date. They probably should not. And they should probably go away.

On the second season finale of Sons of Anarchy (FX, 10 PM), SAMCRO goes to the mattresses against The League.

December 2, 2009
The sacred Rockefeller Center tree is lit up for the holiday season amidst musical renditions from NBC darling Jane Krakowski and The Roots on Christmas in Rockefeller Center (NBC, 8 PM).

On Glee (FOX, 9 PM), the club is left out of the yearbook because of budget cuts and everyone is relieved, except for Rachel. You have better catch this one before Glee disappears for four months.

I laughed when I saw the previews for Steven Seagal: Lawman (A&E, 10 PM). He's totally serious about this police gig. Hopefully Seagal knows that squinting while talking and breaking pool sticks in half will not keep him safe from real guns.

For those who are in Project Runway withdrawal, Launch My Line (Bravo, 11 PM) is the latest show about fashion design. This show is different in that 10 established designers are paired off with 10 professionals who have dreamed of launching their own clothing lines. Why does this seem to be everyone's dream?

December 3, 2009
Tom gets a divorce from his hot green card toting wife on Parks and Recreation (NBC, 8:30 PM) and gets the sads.

Liz begins production on her Dealbreakers talk show on 30 Rock (NBC, 9:30 PM) and finds out what it's like to be Jenna. God help the TGS cast.

Jersey Shore (MTV, 10 PM) is a good choice for anyone who was a fan of the True Life episode "I Have A Summer Share." Just think of the explosive possibilities when just the right amount of hair gel and white tank tops combine.

December 4, 2009
Tonight marks the beginning of the end for Dollhouse (FOX, 8 PM). The network will air two episodes back-to-back tonight.

Monk (USA, 9 PM) is coming to a close tonight. Monk will figure out who killed his wife, but hardly anyone will notice because no one has watched this show since 2005.

The first season finale of Stargate: Universe (SyFy, 9 PM) airs tonight.

November 21, 2009
This movie wasn't good enough to be released in theaters, but Lifetime is taking some initiative and airing Personal Effects (Lifetime, 9 PM), an Ashton Kutcher and Michelle Pfeiffer sobfest about (what else?) a younger man falling in love with a much older woman.

Dear Joseph Gordon Levitt, I believe in you. Please be funny on Saturday Night Live (NBC, 11:30 PM) this week. Love, Heather. P.S. Dave Matthews, will you please play a 17-minute version of "#41"? Just consider it.

November 22, 2009
Yay, an awards show! The American Music Awards (ABC, 8 PM) will feature a Taylor Swift/Lady Gaga showdown. By the way, this is the award shaped like a narrow glass pyramid, for some odd reason.

Will everything work out for a Seinfeld reunion show? Watch the seventh season finale of Curb Your Enthusiasm (HBO, 9 PM) to find out.

On My Fair Wedding (WE, 10 PM), Christina had planned to have her wedding on a Mexican beach, but the swine flu outbreak caused her to move it to a beach in... New Jersey.

November 23, 2009
Interested in seeing Lewis Black rant about the holidays? History Special: Surviving the Holidays with Lewis Black (History, 8 PM) will have the comedian explore the meaning behind the madness behind Thanksgiving football, who St. Nicholas really was, and why we drink on New Year's Day.

Barney fears a slapping from any one of his friends on How I Met Your Mother (CBS, 8 PM). Also, Lily's estranged father (Chris Elliott) shows up for the Thanksgiving victuals.

The end of an era is here. The last episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8 (TLC, 9 PM) airs tonight. I still don't have the feeling that it's over, but for now, let's hope it is.

In the vein of feel-good reality shows, Find My Family (ABC, 9:30 PM) airs as a sneak preview tonight. On this show, people search for their long-lost family members (and cause viewers to break out the Kleenex).

Nerd-fantasy girl Katee Sackhoff will magically find her way into Howard's bathtub on The Big Bang Theory (CBS, 9:30 PM). Starbuck fans, take note.

November 24, 2009
Who among Donny Osmond, Mya, and Kelly Osbourne will reign supreme on the finale of Dancing with the Stars (ABC, 9 PM)? I think Donny needs to give it up.

That was fast. The winter season finale of V (ABC, 8 PM) airs tonight. New episodes will return in March.

For some odd reason, Chelsea Handler will guest star as herself on The Good Wife (CBS, 10 PM), because Peter's mistress appears on her show. Alicia then runs into said mistress in a parking garage. Ooh, bish, plz.

November 25, 2009
On a two-hour "Where are they now?" edition of The Biggest Loser (NBC, 8 PM), we catch up with the most popular contestants from the last seven seasons. But of course we're only interested in what they look like now.

Annoying Lindsay leaves her husband and moves in with Christine, her "divorcee role model," on The New Adventures of Old Christine (CBS, 8 PM).

In the 100th episode of Criminal Minds, C. Thomas Howell (who will forever be Ponyboy, in my mind) returns as "The Reaper," a crazed serial killer out to kill Hotchner's family (CBS, 9 PM).

November 26, 2009
My guiltiest pleasure, Beyoncé, has a nice little Thanksgiving special this year. Beyoncé: I Am Yours (ABC, 9 PM) will have behind-the-scenes footage in addition to singing and dancing.

Matt Lauer takes a cue from Baba Wawa with his own NBC Special: NBC's People of the Year (NBC, 9 PM).

Another music special could be an option for those who are not fans of Beyoncé. Great Performances: Sting: A Winter's Night (PBS, 9 PM) will have Sting singing in an English cathedral. Damn, he probably won't be able to play "Roxanne" in a church.

And yet another Thanksgiving concert special! Paul McCartney: Good Evening New York (ABC, 10 PM) is self-explanatory.

November 27, 2009
In a much more realistic look at family dysfunction, a fifth season of Shameless (Sundance, 8 PM) premieres tonight. There's cussing, fighting and no laugh track. It's just like everyone else's family, but with heavy northern British accents.

November 14, 2009
Gina Gershon stars as a badass (because that's what Gina Gershon does) in Everything She Ever Wanted (Lifetime, 8 PM). According to the movie's website, for those living amongst Gershon's character Pat, "no one was safe when Pat Allanson didn't get her way." Sounds about right.

January Jones (a.k.a. Betty Draper) stops by Saturday Night Live (NBC, 11:30 PM), and the Black Eyed Peas, who continue to try too hard with both their music and fashion, will perform.

November 15, 2009
Oh, look! It's just what humanity needs! A second season of the reality competition Tough Love (VH1, 9 PM), in which women with low self-esteem and anger issues are coached into better romantic relationships. Because that's just what you need when you hate yourself -- a partner upon whom you can project your issues!

AMC's retelling of the 1960s version of The Prisoner (AMC, 8 PM) stars Jim Caviezel. Caviezel's character, known as Six, finds himself under constant surveillance among others identified only by numbers. I suppose it's kind of like the DMV.

November 16, 2009
For some crazy reason, the 16th season premiere of Inside the Actor's Studio (Bravo, 8 PM) has Bon Jovi as the guest. Whatever will they talk about? Surely an hour is too long to discuss the merits of Jon's role on Ally McBeal.

Let's have some fun, this beat is sick -- Lady Gaga comes to Gossip Girl (The CW, 9 PM). What will she wear? Jenny Humphrey, you better bring your fashion A game this week.

Chef Academy (Bravo, 11 PM) features endless disgusted looks and throwing food in trash cans. The "world's sexiest chef" (not sure who voted for that title), Jean Christophe Novelli, who has an awesome French accent, will school young'uns in the kitchen.

November 17, 2009
Even if you don't have kids, the NBC Special: Merry Madagascar (NBC, 8 PM) may be worth a look. Nothing says holiday cheer like animals voiced by celebrities.

Finally, this Heather Locklear mess is about to go down. Amanda returns to a lesser version of the show that made her infamous on Melrose Place (The CW, 9 PM).

November 18, 2009
It's down to Laura and Nicole on the season finale of America's Next Top Model (The CW, 8 PM). Will they survive a runway challenge that incorporates wind and rain? More importantly, which of the contestants will win the chance to fade into obscurity like the rest of the past winners?

I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind, that I put down in words...sorry, Elton John just gets to me. The kids of Glee (FOX, 9 PM) are paired off to sing their favorite ballads tonight.

Claire wants to surprise Phil with a performance by Izzy Lafontaine (Ed Norton, in a Ron Wood wig and fake British accent) on Modern Family (ABC, 9 PM). Elizabeth Banks also guest stars as someone with large boobies.

The 13th fall season finale of South Park (Comedy, 10 PM) airs tonight.

November 19, 2009
On this week's Parks and Recreation (NBC, 8:30 PM), Leslie invites herself to Ron's annual hunting trip. Hopefully she will not know how to use a rifle.

If you're a Fringe (FOX, 9 PM) fan, you'll probably be happy to know the show will be focusing on The Observer tonight, rather than a monster-of-the-week like they have been of late. There may be more than one Observer, and he may not be as evil as one thinks.

Meredith's father visits Seattle Grace on Grey's Anatomy (ABC, 9 PM). Not surprisingly, Mr. Grey disapproves of his daughter's life choices.

How is it still not over? The sixth season finale of Project Runway (Lifetime, 10 PM) is tonight. My prediction for the winner: Irina.

November 7, 2009
Rob Lowe is suspected of killing his wife in the Lifetime original movie Too Late to Say Goodbye (Lifetime, 8 PM). Those brooding blue eyes will not get you out of this one, Lowe.

If you're interested in hearing sarcastic commentary about the week's news on Saturday nights, The Wanda Sykes Show (FOX, 11 PM) premieres tonight.

Taylor Swift hosts Saturday Night Live (NBC, 11:30 PM) this week. Will Kanye West show up, or will Kenan once again be misused? Will there be a Taylor Lautner appearance as well? We wait with baited breath...

November 8, 2009
Seth Macfarlane and Alex Borstein do it up Donnie and Marie style (They even kind of look like them, in a creepy way.) on Family Guy Presents: Seth & Alex's Almost Live Comedy Show (FOX, 8:30 PM).

If you care, this week's Keeping Up with the Kardashians (E!, 9 PM) features an hour-long special on the shotgun wedding of Khloe to Lamar Odom. If you do watch it, look for Bruce Jenner's wackadoo plastic face.

The season finale of Mad Men (AMC, 10 PM) is happening, without my permission. Until next year, Don Draper. You saucy minx.

November 9, 2009
Michael Gambon plays the eccentric caretaker of a large mansion in the HBO premiere of the BBC movie Joe's Palace (HBO Signature, 9 PM). The film centers on the dark secret on the origins of the money that paid for the mansion.

Uh-oh. Parents will become outraged when a threesome is depicted on this week's Gossip Girl (The CW, 9 PM). Kids will be kids. Meanwhile, Jenny looks to become Queen Bee of the entire Upper East Side by scoring a hot cotillion date.

Late on those car payments? A fourth season of Operation Repo (TruTV, 10 PM) will show you what happens when you lose the rights to your sweet Nissan Maxima. Hint: a hefty woman with painted on eyebrows might show up at your house with a tow truck.

November 10, 2009
This week's installment of V (ABC, 8 PM) has Erica and impossibly good-looking Father Jack realize that a seeker from the V's is following them. Who wouldn't follow Father Jack?

Do you want to have ten kids? Really? You'll probably want zero after watching Table for 12 (TLC, 8:30 PM), TLC's Jon & Kate Plus 8 heir apparent.

Maggie Smith plays an old woman revisiting memories of her youth in the same mansion chronicled in Joe's Palace in Capturing Mary (HBO Signature, 9 PM).

November 11, 2009
The final four models on America's Next Top Model (The CW, 8 PM) learn "hip-hop hula" moves. Amazing! Tyra has found a new way to offend another culture!

The 43rd Annual CMA Awards (ABC, 8 PM) air tonight. Is it wrong that I know all of the lyrics to Taylor Swift's "Love Story"? If it is, I don't want to be right.

On this week's Glee (FOX, 9 PM), a diva-off between Kurt and Rachel ensues. Also, Sue Sylvester reveals her softer side.

In yet another incarnation of the ghost investigation genre, Ghost Hunters Academy (SyFy, 10 PM) takes a bunch of wet-behind-the-ears kids and teaches them all about ghost stakeouts. One of the guys teaching them is named Dave Tango, which has to be one of the most awesome names ever.

November 12, 2009
Science of the Movies: Zombies! Science of the Undead (Science Channel, 8 PM) will show you how Hollywood creates those terrifying flesh-eating zombies onscreen.

A kidnapping becomes a hostage situation in New York on this week's Fringe (FOX, 9 PM) and some sort of "mysterious force" is detected.

Leslie and the rest of the Parks Department compete to think up a new design for a defaced mural on Parks and Recreation (NBC, 9 PM). Also, Andy has an awkward moment with Ron at the shoeshine stand.

Cheyenne Jackson guest stars on 30 Rock (NBC, 9:30 PM) as the new cast member of The Girlie Show. There will be plenty of Jenna and Tracy tantrums to go around.

November 13, 2009
In this week's episode of Ghost Whisperer (CBS, 8 PM), a real estate listing leads Melinda to a corpse. Central air? Check. 2.5 baths? Check. Gas fireplace? Check. Dead body waiting to be found? Price cut, please.

The scariest thing you'll see on Friday the 13th? A couple trying to plan a $15,000 wedding on TLC Special: Battle of the Wedding Planners (TLC, 10 PM).