October 31, 2009
Happy Halloween! In between handing out candy to grubby-handed children, tune in to Night of the Living Dead (AMC, 8:15 PM) and learn what real zombies are like.

November 1, 2009
The contestants take a "spooky trip to Holland" and one team must reveal a personal secret to the others on The Amazing Race (CBS, 8 PM). What's so spooky about Holland? Is it the windmills? I thought so.

At this point, are we even sure that Dr. Drew is a real doctor? Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew (VH1, 10 PM) premieres tonight. Unfortunately, the show does not feature any recognizable celebrities and there's no David Duchovny. Well, maybe that's a good thing.

I woke up today with a question lingering on my mind. Who will be dressing Kim Kardashian in the future? Styl'd: Fashion 101 (MTV, 10 PM) follows a group of young people trying to become celebrity stylists.

November 2, 2009
After Barney gives terrible relationship advice to Marshall, Marshall and Lily have a huge fight on How I Met Your Mother (CBS, 8 PM).

Reality TV just gets more and more sleazy. In the second season of For the Love of Ray J (VH1, 9 PM), we'll find out that the singer impregnated a contest on the show last season. Classy.

On the season finale of Greek (ABC Family, 9 PM), the Zetas break out in a highly choreographed dance routine. The very same thing happened in my British lit lecture once...there were a lot of stunted, awkward movements.

On The Big Bang Theory (CBS, 9:30 PM), irony takes hold and Sheldon teaches Leonard about football.

No bitchassness allowed. I Want to Work for Diddy (VH1, 10 PM) finds a second season's worth of unwitting victims willing to do Diddy's dirty work. And get him cheesecake.

November 3, 2009
In yet another revival of the classic miniseries and a TV series that failed the first time, V (ABC, 8 PM) will introduce us to the hot alien chick Anna, who is probably more evil than her cute pixie haircut shows.

Samantha Ronson guest stars as (gasp!) a DJ and Pharrell performs on 90210 (The CW, 8 PM). Also guest starring is Rumer Willis as Gia, who helps Navid investigate drug use at West Beverly High.

A year after the 2008 election, the HBO special By the People: The Election of Barack Obama (HBO, 9 PM) follows the President on the campaign trail.

Kathy Griffin dishes on her date with Levi Johnston, which probably sucked. Kathy Griffin: Balls of Steel (Bravo, 9 PM) marks her seventh stand-up special on Bravo.

A second season of Tabatha's Salon Takeover (Bravo, 10 PM) may make you never want to visit a salon again. Here's to hoping that Tabatha can repair all salons one clogged drain at a time.

November 4, 2009
Oh no! Poor Jules is challenged by her friend to spend an entire day by herself on Cougar Town (ABC, 9:30 PM). That's easy. Why doesn't she just sit alone blogging all day...oh wait.

The team on CSI: NY (CBS, 10 PM) will learn what food sploshing is. Hint: it's kind of sexual, and definitely gross.

In Flowers Uncut with Jeff Leatham (TLC, 10 PM), we'll learn all about the stressful world of floral arrangements.

Top Chef (Bravo, 10 PM) features an all-stars dinner tonight, and Stefan will start beef with Marcel.

November 5, 2009
On this week's Community (NBC, 8 PM), the gang finds out that Jeff is living in his car and wants to help out. Hopefully Jeff will be forced to live with Pierce and we'll find out what that old man does in his spare time.

Sam and Dean get sucked into an alternate universe in which they are characters in different TV shows on Supernatural (The CW, 9 PM). This is a total rip-off of the best John Ritter movie ever - Stay Tuned.

Following the disaster that was Stone Mountain, Georgia, auditions for a new TGS actor are held on 30 Rock (NBC, 9:30 PM).

More overgrown mean girls? Sign me up. Slade returns to The Real Housewives of Orange County (Bravo, 10 PM) as Gretchen's new squeeze, and Jeana is broke. Supposedly.

Just in case you're tired of watching those two old guys discuss movies, The Rotten Tomatoes Show (Current, 10:30 PM) gives an honest spin on potential cinematic adventures. And you can even record a review that may air on the show.

November 6, 2009
Would you be interested in watching something depressing? Try Platinum Babies (WE, 9 PM), which documents idiot parents that spend $100,000 on baby showers for their kids. Nothing says stupid like gold-plated rattles.

You know that guy who wrote that terrible book that tells girls that some guy is just not into her? His comedy special, Greg Berendht: That Guy from That Thing (Comedy, 12 AM) airs tonight.

October 24, 2009
At first I thought this was that Ricky Gervais movie. But this Ghost Town (SyFy, 9 PM), is really about a bus full of high school students "who find out how the west was really won." Saloon prostitutes must have played a big role.

The documentary Bon Jovi: When We Were Beautiful (Showtime, 9 PM) explores the band's life on and off the road. Maybe Jon will explain why all of their songs include the phrases "it's my life" and "I'm gonna live." It's so repetitive.

October 25, 2009
Werewolves. So hot right now. If you care, an Animal Planet special, Werewolves: The Dark Survivors (Animal Planet, 9 PM) airs tonight.

Larry and Jerry collaborate for the Seinfeld reunion on Curb Your Enthusiasm (HBO, 9 PM) and debate whether an encounter with a bare midriffed assistant should be included. I don't know... this could be headed into Letterman territory.

It's probably best if you haven't been watching My Antonio (VH1, 10 PM). But if you want to find out what faceless blonde Antonio Sabato Jr. chooses to be his next ex, the finale airs tonight.

October 26, 2009
Another trashy dating show finale! Real Chance of Love 2 (VH1, 9 PM) wraps up on Monday night. I'm predicting a third installment of Real's feminine hairstyle embarking on the hunt for love.

In this Halloween-themed episode of Gossip Girl (The CW, 9 PM), Chuck Bass opens his new club in the hotel ahead of time. He also might kiss a guy. Again.

TLC is sucking the last drops of liquid money from the rapidly drying oil well that was Jon and Kate. The special Jon & Kate Plus 8: You Ask, Kate Answers (TLC, 9 PM) forces stupid Kate to answer stupid questions from stupid viewers.

Will the vampire craze let down anytime soon? I didn't think so. Castle (ABC, 10 PM) gets in on the trend when he and Beckett encounter a murder victim with fangs and a stake driven through his heart.

October 27, 2009
Mike Epps hosts the 2009 BET Hip Hop Awards (BET, 8 PM). My pick for Hustler of the Year: me. What, I wasn't nominated? Fine, give it to Jay-Z.

The Top 20 perform on So You Think You Can Dance (FOX, 8 PM). Our only qualm so far: too much tap.

The terror reign of the Duggar family's fully functioning reproductive organs continues on 18 Kids & Counting: Anna Duggar Birth Special (TLC, 9 PM).

In contrast with the Duggars, here's a show featuring a couple that we hope can have a child this season. The second season of The Little Couple (TLC, 10 PM) premieres tonight.

I love you, I honestly love you... Jeff Lewis. I just have the feeling that we have like souls. Be my friend, Jeff. The Flipping Out: Reunion Special (Bravo, 10 PM) wraps up the third season.

October 28, 2009
A Halloween special for the whole family, Monsters Vs. Aliens: Mutant Pumpkins from Outer Space (NBC, 8 PM), actually looks really cute. And it takes a lot for me to call something cute.

If by some chance you have DirecTV, you'll be able to watch the fourth season of Friday Night Lights (The 101, 9 PM).

The FBI must intervene in a murder investigation on this week's Law & Order: SVU (NBC, 9 PM), but Benson and Stabler (because they're so badass) continue their manhunt unaided.

Jay and Gloria disagree over an outfit Manny wants to wear to school on Modern Family (ABC, 9 PM). This sounds familiar. My mother did not like the Backstreet Boys and fingerless glove combo I tried to pull off in middle school.

October 29, 2009
On this week's Flash Forward (ABC, 8 PM), Demetri, Mark, and Wedeck try to connect the attack on Janis with the one made on them.

Kids are out of hand these days. A college football team is investigated on CSI (CBS, 9 PM) for the murder of their coach.

Betty White and Jeff Dunham guest star on this week's 30 Rock(NBC, 9:30 PM). Liz and Jack go to Kenneth's hometown to look for new talent (clearly just to make incest jokes about the south) and Tracy fears the "rule of three" of celebrity deaths when two celebrities die and he thinks he may be next.

Bravo's sneak peek of the Real Housewives of Atlanta: Reunion Special (Bravo, 10 PM) says it all: "Is Sheree gay?" Hmmm, the rest of my day will be occupied by this dire philosophical question.

The gang does their best to put on a wrestling match for the troops on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (FX, 10 PM). Danny DeVito wears spandex, too.

The League (FX, 10:30 PM) is a new comedy about a group of friends addicted to Fantasy Football. This actually looks really funny from all the previews, but I could probably do without the Fantasy Football part.

October 30,2009
If you're really into ghosts (like more than half of the Travel Channel's programming would lead me to believe), you may be interested in watching a seven hour special. Ghost Adventures: Ghost Adventures Live! (Travel, 8 PM) will document a night spent in the Trans-Allegheny Lunatic Asylum in West Virginia. Sheesh. Even the name of that asylum is crazy!

The title of this week's Law & Order (NBC, 8 PM) is "Human Flesh Search Engine." That's more than enough to get me to watch.

October 17, 2009
It's bad enough that we watch reality TV to begin with, but it gets worse when we give out arbitrary awards to the shows that inhibit our already lacking social lives -- the 2009 Fox Reality Channel Really Awards (FRC, 10 PM) air tonight.

This week's Celebrity Ghost Stories (BIO, 10 PM) features John Waters, Carrie Fisher, and Rue McClanahan. I don't think any ghost story can trump the magical weirdness that already is John Waters. But I'll give Rue McClanahan a chance to scare me.

Gerard Butler hosts Saturday Night Live (NBC, 11:30 PM) with musical guest Shakira. Shake well.

October 18, 2009
One of the design themes that will appear on HGTV Special: Halloween Block Party (HGTV, 8 PM) is "Hansel and Gretel." Unfortunately, the breadcrumb floor is deemed a building code violation.

Kang and Kodos return in the twentieth Treehouse of Horror episode of The Simpsons (FOX, 8 PM).

Jeremy London plays a werewolf fighting a Nazi vampire cult in the TV movie Wolvesbayne (SyFy, 9 PM). Okay... I guess it's a metaphor.

There are only four episodes left of Mad Men (AMC, 10 PM) this season. Sad! Tonight, Sterling Cooper marks its fortieth year in business.

October 19, 2009
Intervention In-depth: Pot City USA (A&E, 9 PM) explores issues surrounding pot growing in Humboldt, California. Are there issues with growing pot in California?

HBO Special: Schmatta: Rags to Riches to Rags (HBO, 9 PM) explores the history of New York's garment district. One segment will explore why "cupping" is necessary to make men's pants.

Monty Python: Almost the Truth (IFC, 9 PM) kicks off a six-night special on Monty Python's Flying Circus. Be on the lookout for dead parrots.

October 20, 2009
It's Halloween in Beverly Hills! That means fishnet tights and gratuitous cleavage! Annie is put under pressure to steal a car during a student film shoot and Dixon finds out something "life-changing" from Sasha. Could a baby be headed to 90210 (The CW, 8 PM)... again?

If I had the choice of meeting anyone on earth right now, it would be Jeff Lewis. (At a distant second is Leonardo DiCaprio.) Why Jeff Lewis? Because he'll bring me one step closer to being BFF with Zoila. Flipping Out (Bravo, 10 PM) ends a third season.

This week's Sons of Anarchy (FX, 10 PM) features prison fighting. (Insert prison shower joke here.)

October 21, 2009
The title of this week's episode of I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant (TLC, 8 PM) is "Is that a baby in your pants?" No, it's not. I'm just bloated.

Will composes a mash-up for a special occasion on Glee (FOX, 9 PM). More importantly, when will Terri give up her charade?

The traditional "Restaurant Wars" episode of Top Chef (Bravo, 10 PM) is tonight. Kevin should just win already and open an all-bacon restaurant.

If you haven't had the pleasure of cringing during Toddlers & Tiaras (TLC, 10 PM), you should catch this Arizona-themed episode. No show better captures how crazy some people (e.g. pageant parents) really are.

October 22, 2009
I want to live in a world in which puppets live alongside humans in harmony. The Jeff Dunham Show (Comedy Central, 9 PM) demonstrates why this day may never come. The comic and his menagerie of foam people make their debut tonight.

Jam returns from their honeymoon to The Office (NBC, 9 PM) and Michael reveals the identity of the new lady he's been dating. That's not going to go over well.

Devin Banks (Will Arnett) returns to 30 Rock (NBC, 9:30 PM) to exact revenge on Jack. Also, Kenneth volunteers at an animal shelter and probably says something crazy about raccoons or muskrats in Georgia.

Ultimate Parkour Challenge (MTV, 10 PM) is another excuse for people to find ways to visit the emergency room. If you're unsure of what Parkour is, it's basically running and jumping over, around, and through things like Jason Bourne would... except you're not Jason Bourne and most likely a bored teenage boy.

October 23, 2009
Supernanny (ABC, 8 PM), television's best form of birth control returns for a sixth season.

Medium (CBS, 9 PM) airs its 100th episode tonight. Allison investigates an infant's kidnapping.

My Super Psycho Sweet 16 (MTV, 10 PM) is the latest TV movie installment in the teen birthday madness that the network seems to love. Coming up next: My Super Lame Sweet 16 At the Skating Rink Sucks Because My Parents Could Only Afford A Kia Rio.

White Collar (USA, 10 PM) presents an updated look at indentured servitude. Neal (a charming con artist), is offered eventual freedom from prison by an FBI agent in exchange for his criminal expertise. Also starring Tiffani "Kelly Kapowski" Thiessen.

October 10, 2009
For those who remember Graham Norton's short-lived foray into American TV on Comedy Central, The Graham Norton Show enters a sixth season tonight (BBCA, 10 PM).

Adding to the catalogue of comedy specials featuring comic who scream jokes at their audiences (Lewis Black, Chris Rock), HBO Special: Wanda Sykes: I'ma Be Me (HBO, 10 PM) airs tonight.

Saturday Night Live (NBC, 11:30 PM), which has suffered recently due to Frat boy humor, will get a much-needed dose of estrogen this week with Drew Barrymore as host and Regina Spektor as musical guest.

October 11, 2009
On Brothers and Sisters (ABC, 10 PM), Kitty will tell everyone she has cancer. Womp, womp.

Dirty old man Hugh Hefner will show that he has even dirtier old man tendencies in the latest season of The Girls Next Door (E!, 10:30 PM), which will introduce his 20-year-old twin girlfriends. The twins look about 30, but they're 20. And they're orange.

Lorenzo Lamas, and the rest of his horribly obsolete "celebrity" family have their own reality show. Leave it to Lamas (E!, 11:00 PM) will make your eyes bleed. Not really. But you'll hate yourself for watching.

October 12, 2009
One thing that bothers me about Little People, Big World (TLC, 8 PM) is how the parents always seem to be worrying about money, yet they continue to build over-the-top things like tree houses and trebuchets at their family farm. A fifth season follows the castle construction drama.

Gossip Girl (The CW, 9 PM) will commit homicide on everything that was once good with the world when Sonic Youth performs in this wedding episode.

Million Dollar Listing (Bravo, 11 PM) follows three young, egotistical Los Angeles real estate agents for a third season. I must comment on Chad's hair. His stupid haircut (which probably cost more than my fillings) makes him look like a real-life Super-Mario Brothers mushroom. Not a good look.

October 13, 2009
The younger, angrier cousin of Top Chef, Hell's Kitchen (FOX, 8 PM) wraps up another season tonight.

If there's anything I became an expert on while growing up in the suburbs, it's hip-hop. VH1 Special: 2009 Hip Hop Honors (VH1, 9 PM) pays tribute to Def Jam with host Tracy Morgan.

October 14, 2009
So You Think You Can Dance (FOX, 8 PM) heads to Las Vegas for more auditions.

On tonight's Cougar Town (ABC, 9:30 PM), Jules tries to get Grayson to admit that she's hot. I get it already. Courteney Cox is hot even though she's over 40, and other women over 40 must beg younger men for validation.

Nip/Tuck (FX, 10 PM) begins the slow ride into the big TV series graveyard in the sky with the premiere of what will be the first part of a sixth and final season. Nothing was ever the same for me once I found out who The Carver was. Ah, nostalgia.

October 15, 2009
Fred Armisen guest stars as a Parks Department official from Pawnee's sister city of Boraqua, Venezuela on Parks and Recreation (NBC, 8:30 PM). Bienvenido a Pawnee! (Four years of high school Spanish, thank you very much.)

Sam and Dean investigate murders that resemble urban legends on Supernatural (The CW, 9 PM). The first victim: a babysitter who gets a call from inside the house!

Some show with Tina Fey called 30 Rock (NBC, 9:30 PM) returns tonight. Never heard of it. Kidding!

The post-Paul Blart: Mall Cop glory days will continue with TLC Special: Mall Cops: Mall of America (TLC, 10 PM).

October 16, 2009
Fans of Deadliest Catch, do not despair! Lobstermen (Discovery, 10 PM) follows men off the far coast of New England hunting for a crustacean worth over $30 billion in trade each year. That's a lot of awkward prom dates at Red Lobster.

The fall season finale of Psych (USA, 10 PM) features a crime involving an ice cream truck: the ice cream man runs out of Tweety Bird pops.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Uh-oh. Things will go horribly awry for an unsuspecting couple driving through Nebraska in yet another TV remake of a Stephen King movie. Children in funny hats will do very naughty things in Children of the Corn (SyFy, 9:00 PM).

Megan Fox hosts Saturday Night Live (NBC, 11:30 PM) for the show's 35th season premiere. U2 will provide some music. And maybe we'll laugh for once.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

The Amazing Race (CBS, 8:00 PM) returns for a 15th season with the teams starting out in Japan. I already can't stand Lance -- he had this to say about his fiancée Keri in the cast intro: "You know, she's a woman, she's emotional." Shut it, Lance.

The Simpsons (FOX, 8:00 PM) will hang on for dear life in a 21st season, while the politically incorrect The Cleveland Show (FOX, 8:30 PM) and Family Guy (FOX, 9:00 PM) will place college boys under Seth Macfarlane-induced cardiac arrest.

Michael C. Hall will play double duty as a dad and serial-killing vigilante in the fourth season of Dexter (Showtime, 9:00 PM). Dexter may accessorize his drab killing uniform with a Baby Bjorn.

Desperate Housewives (ABC, 9:00 PM) returns for a sixth season. Drea de Matteo will play the latest housewife living on Wisteria Lane. Her character is Italian (shocking!) and has secrets (gasp!).

Monday, September 28, 2009

House (FOX, 8:00 PM) is looking good this season.

Tim Roth is a scary man. You'll be even more scared of him once he reads every nuance on your face in the second season of Lie to Me (FOX, 9:00 PM).

There are only two sure bets for hour-long dramas: cop shows or medical shows. Trauma (NBC, 9:00 PM) is a medical show. With explosions.

If you haven't seen it yet, the season finale of Hoarders (A&E, 10:00 PM) is something to catch. It's an honest look at people with very difficult compulsions.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

This week's episode of 90210 (The CW, 8:00 PM) is titled "The Porn King." Apparently, Dixon is hoarding porn in the trunk of his luxury sports car. Bad little rich boy.

If you care, Shark Tank (ABC, 8:00 PM) is in a new timeslot. It's pretty interesting to see how products we don't need make it into stores. My favorite was this guy who tried to pitch something called "Dream Water" to help people sleep. We already have that. It's called booze.

I never wished that I had been blind until I saw Tom Delay booty dance. Dancing with the Stars moves into a new timeslot (ABC, 9:00 PM).

Kristen Cavallari returns to The Hills (MTV, 10:00 PM) to stir the pot of SoCal stupidity. Spencer and Heidi will argue about whether they should spawn.

Like, double your brain cell loss with, like, The City (MTV, 10:30 PM).

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Hank (ABC, 8:00 PM), a.k.a. Frasier: Part Deux premieres tonight. Kelsey Grammer plays a fancy city dweller forced to live in a podunk Virginia town while "struggling to figure out how to mingle with the little people -- like his family." Ouch.

Wow! I didn't think there would be enough oblivious women left for a second season of I Didn't Know I was Pregnant (TLC, 9:00 PM).

The Middle (ABC, 8:30 PM) premieres tonight, starring Patricica Heaton as a middle-class mother living in middle America and heading toward middle age. The title worked out for this show.

Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Ruins (MTV, 10:00 PM) premieres tonight. I'm wondering if some of the series regulars (Wes, Adam, etc.) have some sort of a pension plan. No matter -- Chet from The Real World: New York will be back and rocking the bowtie.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

The penguin wedding featured in the second season premiere of Parks and Recreation (NBC, 8:30 PM) was pretty cute. This show is winning over my affection -- and I think I'll have to start calling tomatoes Soulja Boy Tell-'Em's.

Weird things continue to happen on Fringe (FOX, 9:00 PM).

Watch horrible, selfish people do horrible, selfish things. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (FX, 10:00 PM) is the perfect flavor of offensive.

Private Practice (ABC, 10:00 PM) premieres for a third season and will pick up in the aftermath of the attack on pregnant Violet.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Shockingly enough, 'Til Death (FOX, 8:30 PM) is coming back for a fourth season.

Stargate Universe (SyFy, 9:00 PM) will add to the popular franchise. A portion of an upcoming episode was filmed in Alamogordo, New Mexico. I went to Alamogordo in sixth grade for space camp. This can't be a simple coincidence.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Do you like paintings of flowers that are meant to represent vaginas? Then Georgia O'Keefe (Lifetime, 9 PM) may be a good choice for you. The biopic stars Joan Allen and Jeremy Irons as the iconic artist and her husband, Alfred Stieglitz. The cast alone proves once again that Lifetime is a force to be reckoned with.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

It's time to give out some more gold-plated statuettes: The Primetime Emmy Awards (CBS, 8 PM) will be hosted by Neil Patrick Harris. Hopefully Harris will put some life into this year's attempt at award show patter. (2nd option: Maybe Harris will put some life back into this flailing award show and snort some coke off of a stripper's ass.) 30 Rock leads with 22 nominations, while True Blood is nominated for its opening title sequence. Titles! They are good titles, but come on.

Perennially miffed Larry David returns to a 7th season of Curb Your Enthusiasm (HBO, 9:00 PM) with a Seinfeld reunion up his sleeve.

Jason Schwartzman comes to cable TV in Bored to Death (HBO, 9:30 PM), playing a pot-smoking writer who moonlights as an amateur detective. The perfectly awkward Zach Galifianakis and the always-awesome Ted Danson provide backup.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Break out your Capezio's and sequins -- Dancing with the Stars (ABC, 8:00 PM) returns tonight. If you consider Aaron Carter, Melissa Joan Hart and Tom DeLay to be stars, then you're permitted to do a happy-dance. I didn't mean literally. Okay, stop.

Will it ever end? Heroes (NBC, 8:00 PM) comes crawling back for a fourth season.

The beloved Barney Stinson and company return on the reliable How I Met Your Mother (CBS, 8:00 PM) for a 7th season.

House (FOX, 8:00 PM) will be heading up a psych ward this season. Crazy always makes for great TV.

It's common knowledge that if you're a woman without a baby by your mid-30s, you fail at life. Jenna Elfman carries a dimly-lit torch for baby-crazed older women everywhere and plays a film critic who gets pregnant by a much younger man (cougar alert!) in Accidentally on Purpose (CBS, 8:00 PM).

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

We're already rooting for Abby on The Biggest Loser (NBC, 8:00 PM). I'm hoping Jillian will go ahead and skip to the part where she has her team bench press her.

Great. Dancing with the Stars (ABC, 8:00 PM) is on two days in a row.

Chris O'Donnell finally emerges from whatever cave he's been hiding in since he donned a cape alongside Batman to star in a spinoff: NCIS: Los Angeles (CBS, 9:00 PM) premieres tonight. LL Cool J also stars and will lick his lips in between lines.

Julianna Margulies is finally poised for a post-ER comeback. Margulies kicks ass and takes names as the wife of a two-timing politician (Chris Noth) in The Good Wife (CBS, 10:00 PM).

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Mercy (NBC, 8:00) promises to be horrible. May JC have mercy on your soul if you watch this.

Modern Family (ABC, (9:00 PM) could be a success if people ever learn to love their family sitcoms without a laugh track. I'm talking to you, people who love Raymond.

Courtney Cox returns to TV in Cougar Town (ABC, 9:30 PM), which should redeem her for Dirt. Although the title is horrendous, Cox is back in good comedic form.

A special 200th episode of MTV's documentary series, The True Adventures of True Life (MTV, 10:00 PM) airs tonight. I could star in my own episode: "True Life: I'm addicted to watching True Life." No, seriously.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

In spite of it there not being a presidential election this year, SNL Weekend Update Thursday in Primetime (NBC, 8:00 PM) will air tonight.

FlashForward (ABC, 8:00 PM) is meant to be the next big thing in the "What the hell just happened?" genre. It even has Dominic Monaghan, freshly killed off from fellow mindbender Lost.

The preview for the season premiere of CSI (CBS, 9:00 PM) looks eerily similar to another Laurence Fishburne project. Men in black suits and sunglasses, bullets paused in mid-air... I can't really place it. Oh well -- I'm happy as long as they show dead bodies!

I don't subscribe to the Katherine Heigl hate club, but if you care about Lexie and "Sex Tape" McSteamy, Grey's Anatomy (ABC, 9:00 PM) is returning tonight.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Jennifer Love Hewitt and her bountiful bouncing bosom return for a 5th season of Ghost Whisperer (CBS, 8:00 PM). Who cares? Oh yeah, she has big boobs.

The latest Joss Whedon brainchild, Dollhouse (FOX, 9:00 PM), returns for its second season. We're hoping this one will stick around.

Medium (CBS, 9:00 PM) makes the move from NBC to CBS, giving the network a solid two hours of ghost shows. They have the goth teenage girl demographic cornered.

Even though I've only watched Numb3rs (CBS, 10:00 PM) once, I'm just glad knowing that David Krumholtz is getting steady work.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

The MTV VMAs (MTV, VH1 for some reason, 9 PM) are on tonight. Finally, someone publicly recognizes Twilight and the Jonas Brothers. And nothing else.

True Blood (HBO 9 PM) season finale time. You have no idea how badly I want Maryann dead. I hope it's the most unpleasant, most gruesome, merciless, undignified death in the history of television. I love Michelle Forbes, but I have hated that character with the fire of a thousand suns since day one.

Monday, September 14, 2009

One Tree Hill (The CW, 8 PM) is back, and the last time I insinuated that it wasn't a very good show I got some of the most violent hate mail I have ever received (which is saying something, believe me), so I'm saving my inbox the trauma and just -- yay!!! One Tree Hill, everybody! Best show ever! Who needs the stars of the show when you have all those other people for an entire season and hopefully a hundred more?!

Gossip Girl (The CW, 9 PM) goes to college this year. It very may well be the death toll for the show and that's all very upsetting and everything, but I'm thinking positive. Specifically, I'm thinking of Blair doing keg stands. Very positively.

The Jay Leno Show (NBC, 10 PM) premiere is also finally happening. Please don't watch it.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Premiere month is so great. The Biggest Loser (NBC, 8 PM) returns tonight, where it will continue to be the most satisfying reality show in the history of television. Plus, no couples this time! Each contestant is going it alone this year, and I'm psyched.

He's picking Malissa on More to Love (Fox, 8 PM). There's no question about this, right? Why are we even doing the finale?

I'm putting Shaq Vs. (ABC, 9 PM) in here pretty much just for Angel, who, despite his constant overt doucheness, remains loyal to her man Michael Phelps, who will be embarrassing Shaq in an Olympic-sized pool on tonight's finale. I hope someday we all find true love like that.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

The Beautiful Life (The CW, 9 PM) is probably going to kill Mischa Barton, and it's not even very good anyway, but it sure does premiere tonight!

Glee (Fox, 9 PM) boasts Josh Groban and Victor Garber (in a bowtie!) tonight. It's so precious I could die.

On tonight's Top Chef (Bravo, 10 PM) Tom will spit out food that Padma calls "disgusting." Padma spits out food all the time because she's a delicate princess (God love her), but Tom is made of steel. I have to know what this diabolical dish is.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Bones (Fox, 8 PM) sets out to make up for its terrible season finale last year with a brand new season of relentlessly quirky crime-solving.

Survivor: Samoa (CBS, 8 PM) is also back. This night is kind of out of control, as you'll soon see.

Parks and Recreation (Fox, 8:30 PM) returns tonight, and NBC executives have promised it will actually be funny this year!

Please, please, please watch Fringe (Fox, 9 PM) in its new, unfortunate timeslot. Don't let Fox kill another show I love.

I don't care about The Office (NBC, 9 PM) anymore, but I am aware that most people do. It's back tonight, Jam are spawning and getting married, it's all very romantic.

Community (NBC, 9:30 PM), and Joel McHale's acting in it, are both much, much better than I thought they would be. I wouldn't get too attached to it, though -- this thing has annoyingly early cancellation written all over it.

If you're not watching It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (FX, 10 PM), you should know that it's the funniest thing in the world. In tonight's premiere, Mac and Dennis pose as real estate agents and try to play good cop/bad cop with perspective buyers of homes they have no business pretending they have the authority to sell.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

"A wealthy new client has very high hopes" tonight on Mad Men (AMC, 10 PM), and we can't help but wonder if it's Conrad "Connie" Hilton, as many speculated last week. How exciting that would that be? Don could get free hotel rooms when Betty kicks him out of the house! Also on the schedule for this week: Peggy looks for a roommate for her new NYC bachelorette pad, and someone will probably sing or dance, because apparently that's the theme of season 3.

On the season finale of Ruby (Style, 8 PM), Ruby visits a fat camp where she and the children inspire each other. This may be adorable, but Heavyweights it is not.

Monday, September 7, 2009

This season of Secret Life of the American Teenager (ABC Family, 8 PM) is already over? Man, time flies when you're hating yourself every second for watching this show. On tonight's finale, Anne has her baby, who's going to be younger than his own nephew. Weird. Meanwhile, everyone else works on their dysfunctional relationships -- except for Grace's mom, of course, who is now dating (gasp!) a Jew!

If you thought the contestants looked good at the final weigh-in, the Dance Your Ass Off (Oxygen, 10 PM) reunion special is seriously going to blow your mind. Also, you'll get to see bloopers, which is an interesting concept for an unscripted reality show.

It's Oscar week on The Rachel Zoe Project (Bravo, 10 PM) and it looks like Rachel spends just about the entire episode freaking out about leaving Anne Hathaway in Brad's hands for the big night. Naturally there's a fashion disaster, because what fun would it be if there wasn't?

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

90210 (CW, 9 PM) is back tonight, and, as predicted, Annie has no friends after going off the deep end and pulling a hit-and-run on prom night. Silver is now BFFs with Naomi and Adrianna, and good thing -- she might need that support if Dixon breaks up with her...over some info he receives in a text. This show is sooo on the verge.

Maybe I'm the only one, but I thought the Melrose Place (9 PM) premiere was actually pretty good! (With the exception of the horrendous Ashlee Simpson, of course.) I don't want to give anything away, so tune in tonight to see how the remake lives up to the original series and all that racy advertising they've been doing.

Season 2 of Sons of Anarchy (FX, 10 PM) starts tonight. I don't know much about this show, but I think there's going to be guns and a biker gang battling for territory. And it takes place in a town called Charming, CA, for those of you that are into all things ironic.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

So You Think You Can Dance (Fox, 8 PM) is back! Already! Fingers crossed that the judges change their minds and let "Sex" audition again -- he never gets old.

Glee (Fox, 9 PM) may very well have been the most hyped up show of the summer, and it's finally here! Hopefully you caught the pilot when it aired a few months ago (...or last week...or on Hulu), because tonight will actually be the second episode, and the Glee Club is going to perform for the school for the first time. Eeee, I hope this is when they do "Golddigger"!

Speaking of highly anticipated premieres, America's Next Top Model (CW, 8 PM) starts tonight, but this one could be a let down -- Paulina is gone, and rumor has it the short girls don't actually look all that short. Oh well.

Joey returns to the house for the finale episode of The Real World: Cancun (MTV, 10 PM) to get wild and bring the housemates together for one last hurrah. If one hour of debauchery isn't enough, follow it up with The Sh*t They Should Have Shown (MTV, 11 PM) reunion special. That's always the best episode of the season anyway.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

The Vampire Diaries (CW, 8 PM) premieres tonight, because clearly what the entertainment world needs right now is more bloodsucking. The show appears to be more or less Twilight meets Summerland, which could be either brilliant or intolerable, depending on your tastes.

The season premiere of Supernatural (CW, 9 PM) picks up where last season ended, leaving Dean and Sam to deal with the Devil's return. Is the world going to end? Probably not, but this may be the last season of the show, so get your fill now!

This week on Project Runway (Lifetime, 10 PM), the designers will have to conform to the wishes of their models. Oh man, remember when Jeffrey had to design for Angela's mother? We can only hope this is half as entertaining as that disaster.

Friday, September 11, 2009

The new season of Say Yes to the Dress (TLC, 9 PM) starts tonight, so while you're staying at home on a Friday night watching TV, you can watch other people shop for wedding dresses. Not that that's depressing or anything.

20/20 (ABC, 10 PM) is back for its 32nd (!!) season tonight with Barbara Walters conducting a "no holds barred" interview with LaToya Jackson. Have the tissues ready.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

On the season finale of Being Human (BBC America, 9 PM), Mitchell winds up in the hospital after being attacked on his doorstep. Annie arrives to defend his honor, but George is torn between helping his friend and escaping to lead a normal life. Oh, okay. Good luck with that one, Mr. Werewolf.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

I can't really give you any good reason to watch the 36th Annual Daytime Emmy Awards (The CW, 8 PM), but I can tell you that Vanessa Williams is hosting, and that Guiding Light and Sesame Street will both be honored. Isn't it about time they moved this thing to the daytime where it belongs?

Futurama (Comedy Central, 9 PM) is back! For two whole hours! That's like four episodes in one! No really, it is. On "Into the Wild Green Yonder" parts 1-4, Leela joins a group of environmentalist feminists to save some primitive life forms trapped in an asteroid, and Fry wears tin-foil while trying to save the world.

Hey America, get it together and watch some Mad Men (AMC, 10 PM). This is the best show on television! Don't you want to see the writers amuse themselves while working overtime this week? You know there's bound to be booze and sexual innuendo involved. Maybe Peggy will even do her painfully awkward rendition of Bye Bye Birdie again!

Monday, August 31, 2009

The new season of Greek (ABC Family, 9 PM) is going to be so great! Casey is all alone, Evan is broke, Calvin hooks up with his roomie and Dale gets laid! It's like everything is finally coming together!

The last three contestants compete on the season finale of Dance Your Ass Off (Oxygen, 10 PM). Don't worry if you haven't been watching -- everyone knows the final weigh in is the most exciting part of the season anyway. Plus there'll be a lot less jiggling.

On the season finale of Weeds (Showtime, 10 PM), Nancy will have some decisions to make now that Esteban is back in the clutches of Pilar. Also, Silas helps Adelita with "a disturbing medical issue." Yep, all those drugs and much older "lovers" and rapey cohorts will getcha.

It's country's night to rock at the CMA Music Festival (ABC, 8 PM) with over 20 artists performing, including Taylor Swift, Kid Rock and a bunch of other hicks whose names I don't recognize. Don't forget to dress in theme!

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

On tonight's episode of Flipping Out (Bravo, 10 PM), Jeff lands a new client who happens to be a major Hollywood stylist. It's like they're begging us to speculate a Rachel Zoe crossover.

One character's plans go awry, another loses his cool, and the fifth season of Rescue Me (FX, 10 PM) goes out with a bang on this finale episode.

On this baseball-themed episode of Shaq Vs. (ABC, 9 PM), Shaq nicknames himself "Shaqqie Robinson." Seriously, it is about time someone gave this man his own show.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

This week on Top Chef (Bravo, 10 PM), the contestants must prepare a meal for the U.S. Air Force Thunderbirds squadron. Mmm, airplane food!

We were all pleasantly surprised to learn that we wouldn't have to wait an entire year for a new season of So You Think You Can Dance (Fox, 8 PM), but now we've even got something to tide us over in these few in-between weeks! "The Best Of" special airing tonight will feature the best dances of all the past seasons, so prepare to have your mind blown (again).

Marmaduke, Arkansas puts itself on the map this week with its Babes of Summer pageant on Toddlers & Tiaras (TLC, 10 PM), and the Sprinkle Sisters are "the triple threat to beat." Seriously, this might be the most fascinating show on television.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

We're not exactly sure what this week's challenge will be on Project Runway (Lifetime, 10 PM), but with the episode title "Rumble on the Runway," we're thinkin' maybe some hot girly boxing uniforms. Bring on the spandex and the sparkle!

Make sure you catch the almost-original-but-still-watered-down-for-America version of Skins (BBC America, 9 PM) now, before MTV takes it and makes it a lame shadow of what it once was. On tonight's episode, Freddie has lots of teenage angst, and finds that he needs to finally take control.

It's the two-year anniversary of Kat going sober, and she decides to celebrate with a new tat...on her sister. After all, nothing says family ties like a tramp stamp that reads, "My sister has been sober for this many years: II." Watch the eternal bonds forged tonight on L.A. Ink (TLC, 10 PM).

Tonight's episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta (Bravo, 10 PM) is called "My Ego is Bigger Than Your Ego." Not sure how this is different from any other episode, but as always, it sounds like exciting television.

Friday, September 4, 2009

It's a Friday night. It's also that awkward time between summer and fall. Basically, I'm telling you that there are no new shows on tonight. Really, nothing. But don't let that get you down! Snuggle up on the couch for four hours of 80s classics, starting with Flashdance (Oxygen, 8 PM), and then Can't Buy Me Love (Oxygen, 10 PM). Kinda makes you wish every night was an early September Friday night, huh?

Saturday, August 22, 2009

I wouldn't exactly call the college admissions process funny so much as completely torturous, but Acceptance (Lifetime, 9 PM) attempts to explore the comedic side of this rite of passage. Even though it stars comedy vets Joan Cusack and Mae Whitman (Arrested Development), this Lifetime movie will likely have plenty of drama, as usual.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

On the season finale of Merlin (NBC, 8 PM), Tom faces trial for treason after agreeing to help Tauren turn lead into gold. Sounds like somebody's got a case of the Midas complex.

Ahh yes, it's that time of year again. The 2009 Miss Universe Pageant (NBC, 9 PM) has arrived, and we might tune in for a bit because Flo Rida and Heidi Montag are performing! Not together. But that would be even funnier than that T-Pain and Taylor Swift bit at the CMT awards.

If you missed the Kourtney & Khloe Take Miami (E!, 10 PM) premiere last week, now's the time to play catch-up. This week, Khloe is a coke whore, and Kourtney is a lesbian whore! Except Khloe claims she's not a coke whore, and I don't think Kourtney is actually a lesbian. She could still be a whore though.

On tonight's episode of Mad Men (AMC, 10 PM), Roger makes plans for a wedding. Don't forget to make time between the first dance and cutting the cake to have sex with someone else in the bathroom! Betty's father visits, and hopefully he won't hit on her again because that was just creepy, even if he did have a stroke.

Monday, August 24, 2009

The Great American Road Trip (NBC, 8 PM) hits the brakes tonight as the last two families travel down Route 66 toward coastal California. Tune in to see if the DiSalvatore mobsters from Yonkers take out the Coote family in tonight's finale. I just hope nobody gets a speeding ticket.

The summer season of The Closer (TNT, 9 PM) comes to a close tonight, and I'm still on a roll with those finale puns. Oh, and Brenda collaborates with her Texan counterpart to track down a traveling serial killer.

Dating in the Dark (ABC, 9 PM) is over tonight, so we can all go back to being shallow again.

A full-day marathon leads up to the Make It or Break It (ABC Family, 9 PM) season finale, and it's time for Nationals! Since all the drama was exhausted in last week's episode (seriously, shit got REAL), tonight will be all about the sport -- that is, unless Payson overdoses on cortisone or Lauren starts to suck at gymnastics as much as she sucks at life.

The Rachel Zoe Project (Bravo, 10 PM) is back tonight for season two and it's time for the Golden Globes! Anne, Cameron, and Eva (we're on a first-name basis, of course!) all need fabulous dresses, but with this economy, there's a distinct lack of couture available. What's a celeb stylist to do?

Nurse Jackie's (Showtime, 10:30 PM) antics have kept us amused during this lackluster summer, so we'll be sad to say goodbye. The season comes to a close tonight with a midnight rendezvous, surprise bling, and a drunken escapade. Can't wait!

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

House of Jazmin (MTV, 10:30 PM) is a new show about a young fashion designer who put out her first line when she was a senior in high school in the 'burbs. Her little Sicilian grandmother is absolutely adorable -- oh, and the clothes aren't half bad, either.

If you agree that Shaq was forged by Greek gods, you might want to check out tonight's episode of Shaq Vs. (ABC, 9 PM), during which he'll team up with Todd Rogers in a beach volleyball challenge against gold medal Olympians Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh. Plus: Serena Williams will teach him about "the psyche of female athletes," whatever that means.

The Hell's Kitchen (Fox, 8 PM) chefs select the ingredients for their next dish by rolling the dice on a craps table, and one team's risky ingredient brings them the win. I wonder what it could be!

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Pairs of best friends, siblings, roommates and a married couple take to the racetrack on the series premiere of Crash Course (ABC, 9 PM), a Real World/Road Rules-like challenge, minus the drunken hookups and plus the backseat driving. And the best part is, you only have to tolerate each set of contestants for one episode!

You should watch the season finale of Michael & Michael Have Issues (Comedy Central, 10:30 PM), because a) I hear it's funny, and b) tweeting at M&M might be your one opportunity for 15 minutes of fame.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

The bold and the idiots come out to play tonight with the season premieres of Rob Dyrdek's Fantasy Factory (MTV, 9 PM), Bully Beatdown (MTV, 9:30 PM) and Nitro Circus (MTV, 10 PM). Tune in if you're into skateboards, ass-kicking and motocross, respectively. While you're at it, keep watching for the series premiere of Pranked (MTV, 10:30 PM). It's a new show about pranks, in case you couldn't figure that one out yourself.

On the season finale of Royal Pains (USA, 10 PM), the future of HankMed is threatened by Divya's arranged marriage and Evan's poor, perhaps scandalous performance as CFO. Watch and see if everything works itself out as usual or we're left with an end-of-season cliffhanger.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Tonight's episode of Psych (USA, 10 PM) is called Bollywood Homicide. Director Jay Chandrasekhar and cousin Sendhil Ramamurthy (Heroes) guest star, because, you know, they're Indian. What more do you need to know?