Saturday, August 15, 2009

We're pretty sure that none of them will be talking about their new "bubbies," but hopefully the Househusbands of Hollywood (FRC, 9 PM) will prove to be just as amusing as The Real Housewives on tonight's series premiere.

Word on the street is that they don't exclusively sing country music on The Singing Bee (CMT, 9 PM). Now all you haters can tune in just in time for the season finale!

Sunday, August 16, 2009

The moment we've all been waiting for has arrived, and Mad Men (AMC, 10 PM) is finally returning for the premiere of season 3! Will Betty officially take Don back now that she's preggers? Will Pete shoot himself with that fancy rifle now that he knows he's a baby daddy? Will the Russians bomb Sterling Cooper before PP&L can take over? Only time will tell!

The premise of this show has been done before, but maybe the third time's a charm. Check out the series premiere of Reality Hell (E!, 10:45 PM) and watch as one poor, unsuspecting soul embarrasses his or herself while "competing" on a fake reality show.

Tonight marks the first time we get to watch 13 women compete to win the heart of Antonio Sabato Jr. on My Antonio (VH1, 10 PM). Oh, and one of them is his ex-wife. And his mom is there to help choose. Basically, there's not much else that could make this more hilarious.

Seriously, who hasn't P. Diddy made a star? Also, isn't he going by just "Diddy" right now? I can't keep up. Anyway, P. Diddy's Starmaker (MTV, 10 PM) premieres tonight and you might want to start watching now because eventually Lady Gaga is going to be a guest judge.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Glenn Martin DDS (Nick at Nite, 8 PM) is a new animated show about a troubled dentist taking a family road trip. Yeah, it sounds kind of weird, but Kevin Nealon, Catherine O'Hara, and Judy Greer all have starring voiceovers. Plus tonight they start off their trip in Amish Country.

According to the preview for tonight's Make It or Break It (ABC Family, 9 PM), "promises are shattered and deception takes its toll!" Will Carter finally admit to Kaylee that he cheated on her? Will Lauren find out where her drug addict mother is? More importantly, will someone please punch Lauren in the face?

Top Gear (BBC America, 8 PM) is not a boring show about cars -- at least that's what they say on the press release. Tonight's season premiere features the Aston Martin V8 Vantage, BMW M6 and Porsche 911. I don't know anything about cars but those sound fast and pretty to me.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

On the season finale of HawthoRNe (TNT, 9 PM), Christina tries to get David a spot in a new clinical trial, Candy has big news for Ray, and Kelly says goodbye to a patient. Oh, and Isabel tries to get back Bobbie's leg after selling it on the street. No big deal.

Miami Social (Bravo, 9 PM) ends its ridiculously short run tonight with an awkward first date, a pressured engagement, the finalization of a divorce, and the onset of alcoholism. All that and even time for a few commercial breaks!

The economy is hitting everyone hard -- even house flipper Jeff Lewis. On this season of Flipping Out (Bravo, 10 PM), Jeff will have to occupy himself during a collapsed real estate market by playing gay BFF to assistant Jenni and housekeeper Zoila. Tune into the premiere tonight to watch the coping process begin.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

It's a gastronomic evening on Bravo with the season premiere of Top Chef (Bravo, 9 PM), straight from Las Vegas. Follow up this no doubt sinfully delicious experience with the conclusion of the first season of Top Chef Masters (Bravo, 10:15 PM), during which there will be an epic battle for fridge space... and someone goes blind! Just kidding, but there is a blind taste test challenge.

A new season of Ghost Hunters (SyFy, 9 PM) starts tonight, you know, if you're into that sorta thing.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Although it'll be far less enjoyable without Christian involved, it's definitely worth checking out the Project Runway: All Star Challenge (Lifetime, 8 PM), featuring some of our former faves such as Santino, Jeffrey Sebelia, Sweet P, and Korto. Follow it up with the season premiere of Project Runway (Lifetime, 10 PM), unless you're planning to boycott the show now that it (shamefully) takes place in LA.

If three hours of fashion still isn't enough, stay tuned for the series premiere of Models of the Runway (Lifetime, 11 PM). At this point in the night you'll probably be feeling ugly and untalented, but maybe this one will at least convince you of your intelligence?

All that "I'm not in a hospital so I can break the rules" comes back to bite Hank in the ass when his medical license is threatened on tonight's episode of Royal Pains (USA, 10 PM). While he's away, Divya has to take charge of a patient, but really we're just wondering when she's going to take charge of Evan in the bedroom.

Friday, August 21, 2009

The hosts of What Not to Wear UK take a trip across the pond for Making Over America with Trinny & Susannah (TLC, 10 PM). Their first stop is Rehoboth Beach, Delaware, which is apparently the summer vacation capital of the country. Ahh yes, there's nowhere like a trashy beach town to make you want to help the fashion-challenged.

On tonight's episode of Monk (USA, 9 PM), Mr. Monk is someone else. I don't know who, but that's the title of the episode. Pay close attention tonight as the new Web series prequel will make its debut.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Annie does some heavy multi-tasking in tonight's episode of Being Human (BBCA, 9 PM). Not only does she have to pretend to be human, she investigates the reason why she's stuck in limbo with the help of a fellow ghost.

In the series finale of Dirty Sexy Money (ABC, 10 PM), things get darker and dirtier when Simon is clandestinely taken somewhere after being stabbed, and Nick's ex-wife decides to expose the secrets of the Darling clan in a book -- something I wouldn't mind reading.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

The economy is driving everyone insane, including a random, aging revolutionary in the finale of Law & Order (USA, 9 PM) who sparks an uprising and kidnaps the country's most powerful banker as a result of banks failing the American people.

We've seen the white-mask-donned members of Jabbawockeez do their thing, and it's getting old. And since the other winners weren't as memorable, let's hope we finally find a crew that will finally upstage them in the fourth season premiere of America's Best Dance Crew (MTV, 9 PM).

Entrepreneurship reality shows are all the rage these days. Shark Tank (ABC, 9 PM) premieres with budding entrepreneurs who pitch ideas to the "sharks," and if more than one shark wants to invest, the jaws come out and a bidding war begins.

There's no better way to get to know the neighbors than be enclosed together by a 20-foot wall. But, if that's what it takes to win $250,000, then so be it. Eight suburban families compete in family-friendly games in the series premiere of There Goes the Neighborhood (CBS, 9 PM) for the grand prize.

Monday, August 10, 2009

If you want to check out what the teeny boppers these days go crazy for, then tune into Teen Choice 2009 (Fox, 8 PM), because you'll be in luck -- the Jonas Brothers are hosting the awards ceremony.

So, despite her claim of lacking "celebrity status," Kathy is moving up and gets a star on the Walk of Fame in the fifth season finale of Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List (Bravo, 10 PM). Not too shabby.

So, Nancy's lack of parental responsibility finally catches up with her because Shane got shot, and now new enemies threaten both Silas and Shane in tonight's episode of Weeds (Showtime, 10 PM). The Botwins are in danger. Again. Nothing new there. Meanwhile, Doug and Dean finally take down Celia. Serves her right for being a conniving thief.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

NYC Prep (Bravo, 9 PM) will finally be over. PC and Jessie say bye to each other, and there's something about a charity event in tonight's finale.

Things get way more interesting when Veronica's surprising secret life is exposed in a Veridian intervention in the first season finale of Better Off Ted (ABC, 9:30 PM). Meanwhile, Ted might be getting some action, because Linda sets him up with her ex-roommate.

The second season premiere of Daddy's Girls (MTV, 10 PM) is tonight, and it's about Vanessa and Angela Simmons. I have no idea who they are or why they're famous. All I know is that they live in LA and have a shoe and apparel line.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Bear Grylls never fails to bring his A-game, because we learn a thing or two about surviving the Arctic Circle chill in the fourth season premiere of Man vs. Wild (Discovery, 9 PM). Plus! We get to see a frozen waterfall!

Teddy's always doing some good -- like helping solve the food shortage in Haiti. Philip is on board too, but too bad there's a sibling throwdown with his estranged brother that may get in the way. Find out on tonight's finale of The Philanthropist (NBC, 10 PM).

If you didn't get your fill of eerie, doll-like child beauty pageant contestants in Little Miss Sunshine, you can check out West Virginia's bigtime Walk of Fame pageant on tonight's Toddlers & Tiaras (TLC, 10 PM) -- crazy parents, creepily made-up little girls and all.

For all you diehard football fans, get a good, hard look into the lives of the Cincinnati Bengals as the team preps for the 2009 season at training camp in tonight's fifth season premiere of Hard Knocks (HBO, 10 PM).

Thursday, August 13, 2009

We get to know the second generation of Skins (BBCA, 9 PM) a little more. All we know for sure is that Cook is the charismatic and sociable one, so it makes sense that he celebrates his birthday in his Uncle Keith's pub. Will he get closer to Effy in tonight's episode?

Things get out of hand when Kat goes away to NYC to promote her new fragrance line in tonight's episode of LA Ink (TLC, 10 PM), and Aubry takes this opportunity to cause some mischief.

Kim seems to be the black sheep of the Real Housewives of Atlanta (Bravo, 10 PM) since everyone has some sort of a grudge against her, but that doesn't stop her from throwing a wig party. Also, a reconciliation between the three housewives don't go as planned, which could be seen as a good thing. What's the point of the show if everyone makes nice?

Friday, August 14, 2009

The town of Eureka (Syfy, 9 PM) sees some deadly electrical abnormalities, and Sheriff Carter is right to think that it has something to do with Henry's ship returning. The show sure has some Lost characteristics, don't you think?

As all good detectives do, Shawn and Gus discover the wreckage of a plane crash that killed some billionaire whose dying words claim that he was murdered. It's time for Shawn to do some good and use his psychic abilities and find out who crashed the plane. Watch it in tonight's episode of Psych (USA, 10 PM).

Sunday, August 2, 2009

If you've lasted this long without looking up the results of the competition, tune in for the season finale of How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria? (BBC America, 8 PM) to find out who won the opportunity to star in the West End production of The Sound of Music.

And here I was thinking that Defying Gravity (ABC, 9 PM) was a competition casting for Wicked! Silly me. Actually, it's a "sexy, provocative space thriller" (ooh!) about 8 astronauts on a 6-year mission, and it premiers tonight.

Remember Megan Hauserman? Wish you could forget Megan Hauserman? Well, you'll have to wait because the reality TV princess has her own show. Megan Wants a Millionaire (VH1, 9 PM) premieres tonight, because for some reason somebody out there thinks we haven't yet gotten the picture that she's a golddigger.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Some of us live every week like it's Shark Week, but this week is actually Shark Week! Obviously it's all shark all the time for the whole week, but tune in tonight for Deadly Waters (Discovery, 9 PM) to watch Lee Stroud on the search for the world's "sharkiest hotspots."

Boy Interrupted (HBO, 9 PM) is a home-video collection made into a documentary about a boy who committed suicide. If you're ready for a good cry, this Sundance-featured film looks incredibly moving.

Can't handle suicide but still looking to be depressed? Jon & Kate Plus 8 (TLC, 9 PM) returns from hiatus tonight.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Tonight on NYC Prep (Bravo, 9 PM), Sebastian basically tells Camille that she's too smart to get a boyfriend, but that's okay because she goes to visit Harvard where she can check out all the intellectual hotties. Jessie obsesses over PC as usual, and we'll probably continue to question his sexuality.

It's catfights galore on My New BFF (MTV, 9 PM) as Tiniecia gets bitchy with Stefanie for talking trash about her own mother. Will Paris choose the hothead or the one who can't keep her mouth shut? Find out on the season finale tonight!

Meet the staff at Changes Plastic Surgery and Spa, where everyone is flamboyantly gay, shallow, bitchy, dramatic, or all of the above. Unless the cast has shot you up with Botox, the antics on Addicted to Beauty (Oxygen, 11 PM) definitely won't leave you expressionless.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

If Cribs was hosted by Joan Rivers and followed people who invented weird stuff instead of celebrities, well, it'd be How'd You Get So Rich? (TV Land, 10 PM). Check out the series premiere of this rags-to-riches show that proves that you don't have to be famous to live fabulously.

Who better to judge a battle of the burgers than Zooey Deschanel? What's that you say? Morgan Spurlock? Oh, well then it's a good thing he'll be there, too. Watch it go down tonight on Top Chef Masters (Bravo, 10 PM).

Thursday, August 6, 2009

We know that judges' choice Janette isn't America's favorite dancer, but tune in to the season finale of So You Think You Can Dance (Fox, 8 PM) to find out who is. There's sure to be a whole mess of tears -- both happy and sad. And you can probably expect some dancing, too.

On Burn Notice (USA, 9 PM), a man from Fiona's past returns. And he's got a gun. How far will Michael go to save her? Find out tonight on the summer finale!

Remember that time we mentioned that Chris Kattan was actually going to do something with himself? Well, the time has come! Starring tonight, Kattan plays a rejected Hollywood star (read: himself) who jets off to India in search of success in Bollywood Hero (IFC, 10 PM).

The season premiere of Skins (BBC America, 9 PM) is tonight, and it sounds a lot like Gossip Girl, but British. Need any more reasons to watch? I didn't think so.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Monk (USA, 9 PM) is back tonight for its eighth season, and now there's finally something decent to watch on Friday nights.

If you were offended by that statement because you've been watching The Goode Family (ABC, 9:30 PM) all summer, then you'll probably want to check out the season finale tonight. Gerald thinks Trish and Mo want him to donate his little swimmies and Charlie decides to teach Ubuntu how to be a man...whatever that means.

Psych (USA, 10 PM) is back, and Cary Elwes (The Princess Bride) guest stars as Shawn and Gus go after an elusive international art thief. Cue goofy detective music.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

With great power comes great responsibility...or that's what we'd like to think. Instead, we have death, some foul play, corruption and greed. Find out who the new king will be in the series finale of Kings (NBC, 8 PM), because just as Jack gets ready to take over the family business, we learn that King Silas is, in fact, alive.

It's not nearly enough that we have Twilight, True Blood and Supernatural. To indulge in everyone's obsession with the supernatural, Being Human (BBCA, 9 PM) explores the lives of three 20-somethings who double as a werewolf, a vampire and a ghost. Tune in to the series premiere and watch these non-human beings try to be human.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Much to everyone's dismay, poor Daisy was rejected by rock star Bret Michaels on national TV. But not all hope is lost because in tonight's season finale of Daisy of Love (VH1, 9 PM), she will choose one lucky man who charmed his way into her heart (suck it, Bret).

The original mini series Storm (NBC, 9 PM) is about a tycoon who experiments with a weather-altering technology and, basically, is solely responsible for destroying the planet and possibly all of humanity. Tough break.

Sookie goes undercover and infiltrates that crazy religious anti-vampire cult in order to locate Godric, but that's not all she has to deal with -- Bill's maker comes back. Some catfights are in order, but since this is True Blood (Showtime, 9 PM), it'd be more like catfights combined with blood and fangs, and Sookie will probably almost die again.

Monday, July 27, 2009

It's almost the end and there's only one rose left. Things get heated when The Bachelorette (ABC, 8 PM) invites the final two bachelors to meet her family in Hawaii. Something happens and it will alter Jillian's decision entirely.

Fourteen contestants (from other VH1 shows) enrolled in Charm School (VH1, 9 PM) to better themselves. It's the female version of Tool Academy. So which girl will hold the title of "Charm School Queen"? Catch the third season finale, and may the best actress win.

Rap superstar Sean "Diddy" Combs is going on tour, so of course that entitles him to have a new reality show, Making His Band (MTV, 10 PM), where 42 musicians compete for a spot in his new band. It's kind of reminiscent of Making the Band except that now, it's all about Diddy, and I wouldn't expect anything less.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Did you know that Superstars (ABC, 8 PM) has been around in one form or another since 1973? The lucky celebrity-athlete pair who wins in tonight's finale will have the honor to continue this long history of superstardom -- if they survive the kayak challenge, tug-of-war and the triathlon, that is.

It seems as if America is slow to catch on to something that's clearly good. Different versions of Dragons' Den (BBCA, 9 PM) are already available in 15 other countries. The show focuses on entrepreneurs who pitch ideas to business experts in hopes of financing their business ventures.

Combining the Biggest Loser element to any reality show seems to be the trend these days. More to Love (FOX, 9 PM) is a dating reality show that is formatted the same as The Bachelor, but with "average-looking" contestants. Watch the series premiere and maybe it'll be as addictive, if not more, than the original.

What's worse than The Secret Life of the American Teenager is a grown-up reality version of it. In tonight's episode of Miami Social (Bravo, 10 PM), there will be all sorts of teenager-like drama, including secrets, pregnancy, and fights.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Sit comfortably on your couch while the characters in Dark Blue (TNT, 10 PM) can't seem to separate their personal life from their work, can't tell who's undercover, and have to deal with officers drunk with power... and corruption. Dark blue indeed.

The Holiday takes on a reality show form when two different, successful women trade lives for a week (including the boys next door) and go on a Holidate (Soapnet, 10 PM). If only it was so easy to just travel across the country and stumble upon a random date.

Teddy aka The Philanthropist (NBC, 10 PM) pulls off his Batman-like persona -- again -- and finds himself in mortal danger in the Kashmir region when helping Rhada with the water system. How will he manage to get out of this mess?

It's down to six. Who will be the master of all the Top Chef Masters (Bravo, 10 PM)? As they prepare for their signature dishes, a surprise awaits them...

Thursday, July 30, 2009

It's been a while since Michael received his Burn Notice (USA, 9 PM) that one fateful day, and tonight he further tries to reconnect with the intelligence community. Of course, Fiona continues to disagree with this decision. Ah, lover's quarrel.

In the live episode of So You Think You Can Dance (Fox, 9 PM), two of the six contestants get voted off. It's getting scarily competitive. Hopefully Mary Murphy's hot tamale train and obnoxious laughter will lighten the mood.

The Real Housewives of Atlanta (Bravo, 10 PM) are back for the second season! The premiere promises a drama-filled season, beginning with an "Independence Day" party in honor of Sheree's divorce. Lisa and her hubby talk of having another baby, and Kim wants to sell hair.

Friday, July 31, 2009

Long-time rivals from Area 51 pay Eureka (Syfy, 9 PM) a visit for a bowling tournament. Nothing settles conflict like a good game of heavyweight balls and pins. But Carter has his mind on things other than bowling, like solving a series of pranks.

And finally, round out your week with comedian-slash-political-satirist Bill Maher on his very own weekly talk show Real Time with Bill Maher (HBO, 10 PM). It's good to be in the know when it comes to current events, but Republicans might want to steer clear.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

On the third season premiere of The Bill Engvall Show (TBS, 9 PM), Bill tells Lauren that the family can't afford to pay for her Spring Break trip. Ironic how this sitcom is more realistic than reality TV.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Oh, Lindsay Lohan -- some kind souls out there might actually watch Labor Pains (ABC Family, 8 PM), simply because they feel bad that you've been reduced to a made-for-TV movie about faking pregnancy.

If you're lacking in a) plans for Sunday night, or b) a soul, tune in for the series premiere of Most Popular (WE, 10 PM). On this new game show, 100 audience members judge seven female contestants. Then they vote off the one that they like least, solely based on their first impressions. This one sounds too sad to even be funny.

On tonight's pubescent episode of Merlin (NBC, 8 PM), Arthur develops a crush on a beautiful, mysterious girl... who wants to kill him in exchange for eternal life. Happens to the best of us, eh?

Monday, July 20, 2009

Torchwood (BBC America, 9 PM) is back for its third season, and Captain Jack, Gwen and Ianto are faced with the challenge of saving mankind whilst mourning the loss of two of their best friends. Talk about bad timing.

On the new reality series Dating in the Dark (ABC, 10 PM), love is blind as singles get to know each other in pitch-black darkness. But wouldn't it be so much funnier if they just got really drunk? Or put paper bags on their heads? Or got drunk and put paper bags on their heads?

The series premiere of The T.O. Show (VH1, 10 PM) sparks the journey for the recently cut wide receiver to reconcile the two aspects of his personality: controversial superstar T.O. and quiet, thoughtful Terrell Owens. And if that doesn't do it for you, he's guaranteed to be shirtless. A lot.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Gordon Ramsay is back, newly botoxed and ready to kick some ass on the 6th season premiere of Hell's Kitchen (Fox, 8 PM). For the first time, the signature dish challenge becomes a team competition and a battle of the sexes.

Calling all 12-year-old girls and their mommies! Tonight marks the premiere of Ruby & the Rockits (ABC Family, 8:30 PM), a new series about a still-going '80s pop star (David Cassidy) who brings his recently discovered daughter (Alexa Vega) to live with his brother and former bandmate (Patrick Cassidy). Adorable bonuses: David and Patrick keep their real names for their characters, and Shaun Cassidy is the executive producer.

If Ruby & the Rockits is so bad it leaves you wishing for the apocalypse, check out the series premiere of The Colony (Discovery, 10 PM), a controlled experiment that looks at what it would be like to have to rebuild society if the world were destroyed.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Do you have a strange fascination with the creature known as the pageant mom? What about 5-year-old girls that look like they're 30? You don't even have to answer these questions because really, who doesn't? The second season premiere of Toddlers & Tiaras (TLC, 10 PM) is tonight, and it looks disturbingly awesome.

Michael Ian Black and Michael Showalter are hilarious separately, which means they'll be even more hilarious together. Right? Check out tonight's episode of Michael & Michael Have Issues (Comedy Central, 10:30 PM) and find out.

On tonight's Top Chef Masters (Bravo, 10 PM), the contestants must create a dish using a box of mystery ingredients. Let's just hope the box isn't full of condiments. What a twist!

Thursday, July 23, 2009

On tonight's episode of So You Think You Can Dance (Fox, 9 PM), two of the top eight are voted off. But the real excitement lies with the much-anticipated Katie Holmes song and dance performance to Judy Garland's "Get Happy," choreographed by Tyce Diorio. Seriously, I think sequins are just about the only thing that can make this more fabulous.

Betsey Johnson is guest-judging the finale of The Fashion Show (Bravo, 10 PM), and that's pretty exciting -- especially since I never really understood who made Kelly Rowland a fashion authority.

Thank God 16 & Pregnant (MTV, 10 PM) is finally ending. Not that we need to be any more depressed, but I hope the "Life After Labor" finale special brings some personal anecdotes of misery so we can all stop glamorizing teen pregnancy.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Piers Morgan guest-judges on tonight's season finale of Chopping Block (NBC, 8 PM). He's no NPH, but we'll take it.

Jack uses his "unconventional methods" to uncover clues from the testimony of a murdered drug dealer's autistic daughter on Mental (Fox, 9 PM). Also, Arturo's soap opera actor father thinks his experience playing a doctor will help him solve a medical case. Cute.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

After weeks of people dying left and right on Harper's Island (CBS, 9 PM), questions are finally answered and the killer is revealed in the two-hour series finale. Let justice prevail! For the queasy, thank goodness this show is over. We don't need to see any more stabbed corpses or victims shooting their faces off.

The feminist in me is hating on Battle of the Bods (FRC, 10 PM) because the females on the show have to rank themselves in order of hotness in accordance with the male judges' rankings. Shame on them for promoting superficiality in an already body-obsessed society! Anyway, watch the second season premiere if you want to shake your disapproving head at the TV or if you just to see some hot bods.

Eli makes full use of his visions in tonight's series finale on Eli Stone (ABC, 10 PM) when he foresees the death of a close friend in a plane crash.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Right before the soul of blonde-hair model Deb enters the pearly gates of heaven after dying in a car crash, she's stopped by the gatekeeper and returns to Earth in the body of a smart, plus-size lawyer. Watch how Deb comes to learn about "inner beauty" (excuse the horrible cliché) in the pilot of Drop Dead Diva (Lifetime, 9 PM).

The economy is rough for everybody, especially for a man just beginning to work as a gigolo. In tonight's episode of Hung (HBO, 10 PM), Ray mismanages his finances, but I'm sure everything will turn out fine since Tanya's former colleague gives Ray a "test-run."

Even though tonight's Entourage (HBO, 10:30 PM) is a very disappointingly slow start to the sixth season, at least we get to see Vinnie Chase doing some acting work instead of wasting his life and his rugged good looks away.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Join bad boy chef Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations (Travel, 10 PM) in his quest for the ultimate dining experience. Tonight's stop? Chile. I suspect he'll be eating some chili in Chile. Ha ha I kid.

Bringing dance and diet together is certainly fun and entertaining to watch, but stripping is going a tad too far. Unfortunately, that's what the contestants will be doing on tonight's Dance Your Ass Off (Oxygen, 10 PM).

Yes, the time has come when not even a disorder can turn those cameras away. Follow Christa and Ryan in reality show Obsessed (A&E, 10 PM) and their struggle with OCD.

In tonight's episode of Weeds (Showtime, 10 PM), something happens that makes Nancy rethink her marriage to Esteban. Hmm not marry the sketchy mayor of Mexico-slash-drug lord? That's a tough one! While Nancy deals with her dilemma, Silas and Doug find success in selling medical marijuana -- and I was just about to think that no one would find happiness on this show.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

If you want to save yourself some time, watch the movie instead of the new TV series 10 Things I Hate About You (ABC Family, 8 PM). Bianca tries to get on Chastity's good side, and Kat has an unwanted admirer. Sound familiar? Maybe a little too familiar.

Pick up some tips to beautify your home just by watching Lisa Lynch do it on Stager Invasion (TLC, 8:30 PM) -- without having to spend $1,000.

Need an upgrade from The Hills? Miami Social (Bravo 10 PM) may just be the answer. The show follows the lives of seven "young, hot, successful" people living in Miami Beach. The series premiere covers everything from a high-profile fashion event to a lying girlfriend. Racy.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Just what we need -- another cop show. But I'll forgive this one because it doesn't seem like an ordinary LAPD storyline. A team of LA officers in Dark Blue (TNT, 10 PM) is so covert in its undercover missions that many don't recognize one of their own. The series even begins with a dead undercover FBI agent on the side of the road. Not wasting any time, are we?

The ex-playboy turned vigilante Philanthropist (NBC, 10 PM) returns to Nigeria, the setting of his epiphany, and opens an oil refinery to stimulate commerce, but not even he can prevent his dear friend Dr. Chima Balo from getting kidnapped. Poor Teddy. He has so much on his plate as it is.

The contestants of Top Chef Masters (Bravo, 10 PM) will recreate junk-food classics and make the perfect three-course mini meals. Mini meals? As in, small portions? I'm sure the chefs are well-versed in that concept.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Parents and teen pregnancy don't go hand-in-hand. And when you combine adoption, hotheaded parents and a pregnant teen who doesn't listen, that can only mean trouble. Watch it all in tonight's season finale of 16 and Pregnant (MTV, 10 PM).

Toby may not be the only gifted character on The Listener (NBC, 10 PM) when he sees a woman revive a badly injured baby. Special healing powers? Toby could steal her powers and use them to save others! Oh wait, this isn't Heroes. Or could Toby be the good version of Sylar?

Hank quarantines guests at a "bark mitzvah" (what would that even entail? Dogs?) after people come down with a serious disease in tonight's episode of Royal Pains (USA, 10 PM). Get these people some Tamiflu -- stat!

Friday, July 17, 2009

Tune in to tonight's What Not to Wear (TLC, 10 PM) to catch duo Stacy and Clinton's words of fashion wisdom as they trash (literally and figuratively) and revamp Tamara's wardrobe.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

With the recent apocalyptic weather, it'll be no surprise if Mother Nature decides to rain on our parade -- literally. To be safe, tune into the Macy's 4th of July Fireworks Spectacular (NBC, 9 PM) or the Boston Pops Fireworks Spectacular (CBS, 10 PM) and celebrate from the comfort of your couch. Bonus points if you can see them outside your window at the same time.

If you're feeling unpatriotic -- or you just really like Eli Stone (ABC, 10 PM), -- watch tonight as Jordan and Eli fight for the rights of three hundred wrongfully fired employees. So maybe it wouldn't be so anti-American to watch this one, after all.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

It's an emotional rollercoaster on tonight's season premiere of Ruby (Style, 8 PM). Ruby has lost 100 pounds, but her father's death could present an obstacle to her progress. But apparently a Rascal Flatts concert is just what she needs to keep on keepin' on. To each his own?

Luke Perry stars in the made-for-TV movie Angel and the Badman (Hallmark, 9 PM), and it's a Western. Need I say more?

On tonight's episode of Denise Richards: It's Complicated (E!, 10:30 PM) Denise enthusiastically stars in a video about her "funbags" for FunnyorDie.com. Oh Will Ferrell, your recent influence on the most random shows is truly a great thing.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Several storylines opened up in last week's episode of Make it or Break It (ABC Family, 9 PM), so tonight it'll be time to address the drama. Steve Tanner tries to get retired gold-winner Sasha Beloff to coach the Denver gym, Summer ruins Lauren's birthday dinner (you go, Candace!) and the girls from The Rock attend a wild high-school party. Here's hoping that one of them does a round-off into a keg stand.

And now for something new and different: Jackie breaks a bunch of rules tonight on Nurse Jackie (Showtime, 10:30 PM). But it's all in the name of helping patients, so that's okay, right? Mrs. Akalitus accidentally tasers herself, which sounds really funny but also kind of sad.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Tune into the premiere of 10 Things I Hate About You (ABC Family, 8 PM) if you don't care about the fact that this series probably has Heath Ledger rolling over in his grave.

It's no Family Double Dare, but The Great American Road Trip (NBC, 8 PM) could potentially provide some laughs. Watch the premiere tonight as seven families get their kicks on Route 66, starting with a clever challenge at Chicago's Wrigley Field.

Fantasy freaks and conspiracy theorists should check out the 2-hour premiere of Warehouse 13 (Sci Fi, 9 PM), a new series about two Secret Service agents who must keep track of supernatural objects for a top-secret U.S. government storage facility.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

The top 12 perform on So You Think You Can Dance (Fox, 8 PM) tonight. Let's hope someone's takin' a ride on the hot tamale train!

We don't know what's going to happen on tonight's Real World: Cancun (MTV, 10 PM), but we can bet that it will involve drinking and partying as this show tries desperately to out-drink the Vegas season.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Rumors abound regarding the themes and twists of season 11 of Big Brother (CBS, 8 PM). Have's and have-not's? High school stereotypes? Check out the premiere to see if the rumors are true!

Burn Notice (USA, 9 PM) returns after a week off with an exciting episode packed with spies, company secrets, and best of all, a mathematician!

Kat's tats are back tonight with the 3rd season premiere of LA Ink (TLC, 10 PM) and Aubry Fisher (Rock of Love) rocks the boat as the new shop manager. Probably not such a great idea to get on Kat's bad side, but what do we care if it makes for better TV?

Friday, July 10, 2009

Eureka (Sci Fi, 9 PM) returns tonight and picks up where it left off mid-season with Carter's layoff and Allison's pregnancy. Add new love interests and family drama, and it sounds like a good start to the summer season!

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Travel back in time with the Doctor to London circa 1851 on Doctor Who (BBCA, 9 PM), where he meets a man who, if you can believe it, goes by the name... "The Doctor." The Doctor believes the other Doctor, or "the next Doctor," to be a "future regeneration." Be very, very confused.

Even lawyers with hallucinations who may be modern-day prophets experience the awkward morning after. Tune into Eli Stone (ABC, 10 PM) and watch the awkward sexual tension between Maggie and Eli in court after sleeping together. Let's not grimace too much.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

There are a lot of people that need to be recognized in this three-hour-long awards ceremony. Check out BET Awards '09 (BET, 8 PM) to find out the nominees and winners in the music, sports and entertainment fields, and not just because Jamie Foxx is hosting the event.

Apparently you can turn anything into a TV show. In the new series Hung (HBO, 10 PM), a middle-aged, underpaid high school teacher and basketball coach whose wife and children left him after a fire is left with nothing but his well-hung assets (I don't think that needs more explaining). He uses his family jewels to turn his fortunes around. Racy, no?

Mary once again does her duty to protect anyone in the Federal Witness Relocation Program. But when visitation rights are at stake and a boy goes missing, will Mary be able to pull things together in the latest episode of In Plain Sight (USA 10 PM)? She's our very own modern-day heroine!

Monday, June 29, 2009

Because the show is going on hiatus, TLC felt it was necessary to reinforce just how tragic Jon and Kate's divorce is by reminding us of their happy years. Watch the first 10 years on Jon & Kate Plus 8 (TLC, 9 PM) and see where it all went wrong. TLC, this is all your own doing!

Because Biggest Loser and So You Think You Can Dance? are popular reality shows, it's about time someone combined them. Tune in to the series premiere of Dance Your Ass Off (Oxygen, 10 PM) and watch the contestants shake and rattle those rolls.

You could say Tiffany Pollard has done it all, from trimming goats' nails to hunting ghosts. Check out the season finale of New York Goes to Work (VH1, 10 PM) to find out the next horrifyingly menial task America will want her to do next. Sadistic much?

Things haven't been too great for former pot dealer Nancy Botwin. Now that she's preggos, there's only so much more mischief she can get into. Judging from tonight's episode title of Weeds (Showtime, 10 PM) Super Lucky Happy, maybe her luck will change. Or maybe it's just ironic.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

With the economy the way it is, you may need an expert when it comes to selling your house. Enter Lisa Lynch. In the series premiere of Stager Invasion (TLC, 8 PM), Lisa dresses up homes to appeal to buyers. Or you can save your $1,000 and just add some pretty curtains and fluffy pillows.

Auditions continue on America's Got Talent (NBC 9 PM). Sometimes it hurts to see people fail miserably. Let's hope we can find another Susan Boyle. But it's America, so maybe not.

Maybe the six-member cast will live up to their Gossip Girl counterpart potential in tonight's episode of NYC Prep (Bravo, 9 PM). Taylor has to choose between two boys, and PC insults both Kelli and Jessie. That's no way to get girls, PC. Well, unless you're Chuck Bass.

After a drama-filled dinner with Paris' friends and family in last week's episode, find out what's in store in tonight's episode of Paris Hilton's My New BFF (MTV, 10 PM). Kudos to the contestants for lasting this long.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

In tonight's Wipeout (ABC 8 PM), the contestants are faced with an obstacle course, containing spiked fenders, spinning triangles and a drop bridge. It sounds needlessly vicious.

Watch the designers create loungewear in tonight's episode of The Fashion Show (Bravo, 10 PM). And not related to fashion designing at all, they'll also pay a visit to a Tarot card reader to learn their future. Hmm, will it foreshadow the time they have left on the show?

Teddy seeks advice from an unlikely source -- a Burmese democratic leader under house arrest -- and meets a girl in need of a kidney transplant in tonight's drama-filled episode of The Philanthropist (NBC 10 PM).

Thursday, July 2, 2009

The little self-centered bi-yatch from Samantha's pre-amnesia days comes out in Samantha Who? (ABC 8 PM) as she tries to sabotage Todd's competition for a job at a local newspaper. I understand you're in love with him, but stop meddling!

On this week's So You Think You Can Dance? (FOX, 9 PM), things get heated as two of the top 14 dancers are eliminated.

If you want to avoid the awkward sex talk with your kids, just have them watch 16 and Pregnant (MTV, 10 PM). The thought of teen pregnancy just might scare them into abstinence. In tonight's episode, a couple had plans to join the Air Force after graduation, but a baby may change all that. Babies ruin everything!

Friday, July 3, 2009

After returning from hiatus, a hot-dog-eating champion tries his hand at winning $1 million in Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader? (FOX, 8 PM). What a horrible-yet-entertaining way to lose face...

Saturday June 20, 2009

Eli Stone (ABC, 10 PM) returns from hiatus tonight and drama ensues with an awkward car ride, vengeful acquaintances from the past, and brain aneurysms. Sounds like a rough night for these guys.

If you: a) are a huge history nerd, b) enjoy watching a good ass-kicking now and then, c) have three hours to kill on a Saturday night, or d) all of the above, tune in for the season finale of The Ultimate Fighter (Spike TV, 9 PM) for the final Yankee-Brit throwdown.

Tonight marks the premiere of Brainrush (Cartoon, 8 PM), a new game show in which contestants are asked trivia questions while on a rollercoaster. You don't even have to like game shows to enjoy this one; a minor case of schadenfreude makes it totally worth watching.

Sunday June 21, 2009

If you took the first few chapters of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, put it on TV, swapped Hogwarts with Camelot and renamed Harry, you'd end up with something pretty close to the pilot episode of Merlin (NBC, 8 PM). Which honestly doesn't sound so bad.

Jessica is a big fat buzzkill on this week's episode of True Blood (HBO, 9 PM), attacking mortals and presenting "romantic inconveniences" for Sookie and Bill. Other than that, Jason impresses some people at the Light of Day leadership, which I guess is a nerd convention for people who hate vampires?

Monday June 22, 2009

The second season premiere of Secret Life of the American Teenager (ABC Family, 8 PM) is bound to have you either hating your life because you're watching this show or loving it because you aren't on it. As expected, everyone's getting adjusted to baby John, and an "unexpected tragedy" (read: highly anticlimactic occurrence) will change everything.

Since you're already watching ABC Family, stay tuned for the series premiere of Make it or Break It (ABC Family, 9 PM), essentially the TV version of Stick It. As if competitive gymnastics isn't appealing enough, Candace Cameron Bure (!!!) plays Summer, the girlfriend of Steve Tanner. Damn you ABC Family for luring us into your crappy shows with clever incest references and has-been casting.

On tonight's episode of Nurse Jackie (Showtime, 10:30 PM), a patient arrives at the hospital after treating his heart disease with chicken soup. What are all these nurses complaining about? Clearly this show is just as wholesome and adorable as the next.

Tuesday June 23, 2009

Here's a simple analogy for you: Laguna Beach is to The O.C. as NYC Prep (Bravo, 10 PM) is to Gossip Girl -- only just about everyone on NYC Prep is ugly. Tune in for the premiere to decide if this makes you hate them more or less.

Tune in for the first audition show of the 4th season of America's Got Talent (NBC, 9 PM), which will likely be more like America don't got talent, but that's always funnier, anyway.

Speaking of a lack of talent (or any redeeming qualities, really), The Real Housewives of New Jersey (Bravo, 9 PM) is back for the reunion special. Could be funnier if the clips didn't show everyone trying to act all ladylike. Getting a head start on your new acting careers, ladies?

Tonight marks the premiere of The Superstars (ABC, 8 PM), a new reality show in which 8 athletes are paired up with 8 celebrities to compete in a bunch of physical challenges. I recognized more of the athletes' names than the celebrities', so take that as you will.

Wednesday June 24, 2009

I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here (NBC, 8 PM) is over tonight, and our lives can resume.

Watch a billionaire playboy save a Nigerian boy in a hurricane and become a modern-day Robin Hood in the series premiere of The Philanthropist (NBC, 10 PM). It's like everything you wish would happen in real life but know never will -- British accent included.

The Real World: Cancun (MTV, 10 PM) starts tonight, and the cast's job is to provide "safe and fun spring breaks" to students. Yeah, okay. Let the slopfest commence.

Thursday June 25, 2009

Duran Duran Who? No, but really, John Taylor guest stars as Sam's new rock star love interest on Samantha Who? (ABC, 8 PM) when it returns from hiatus tonight.

Penn & Teller are awesome, orgasms are awesome; therefore, the season premiere of Penn & Teller: Bullshit (Showtime, 10 PM) with the topic of orgasms will be awesome.

On this week's Burn Notice (USA, 9 PM), Michael takes on one of the city's most wanted criminals and Sam deals with an IRS agent who happens to be the son of on of her ex-flame's. Awkward.

Friday June 26, 2009

Dammit, someone stole our idea to put The Real World in space! Virtuality (Fox, 8 PM) is a sci-fi thriller about a space crew in a techno-virus ridden ship being taped for a reality show back on Earth. Somehow this one only managed to make it to Fox Movie Special status. Hmm...wonder why.

Saturday June 13, 2009

Bringing a show back from hiatus after it's been announced as cancelled is like offering someone on their 12th step a free beer. But if you think you can handle the tease, tune in for the return of Kings (NBC, 8 PM) and see how King Silas prevents the spread of a deadly plague. Crackberry? Maybe?

Speaking of series cancellations, tonight marks the final episode of Pushing Daisies (ABC, 10 PM), which entails a murder investigation at a traveling aquatics show. Sounds like the perfect set-up for an emotional farewell episode.

Wait, people die on Harper's Island (CBS, 9 PM)?! This is one crazy reality show! What's that you say -- it's not just a jacked up version of Survivor? How 'bout that. In any case, tonight the remaining characters turn on each other, and then they come together. And then I'm guessing someone dies.

Sunday June 14, 2009

The trailer for season two of True Blood (HBO, 9 PM) mostly just predicts a lot of ass-kicking and pants-dropping. Other than that, a creepy little girl invites Bill into her house by saying, "Won't you please come in, sir?" which immediately made me think of "Please sir, can I have some more?" True Blood meets Oliver? A musical number sure would lighten the mood.

STOP! It's Hammertime (A&E, 10 PM)! Check out the series premiere to see Hammer (why'd he drop the MC?) be quite amusing while leading his family in Spring cleaning. This show just might be 2 legit 2 quit.