Sunday, April 12
Love, or perhaps just syphilis, is in the air tonight as Bret Michaels chooses his latest two-months-if-she's-lucky hookup lady love on the finale of Rock of Love: Bus (VH1, 9pm). Unfortunately for everyone involved, the last skanks standing are boring-twins Mindy and Taya, ladies who consistently bring a funk much worse than any previous contestant, hard as that is to believe (we're looking at you, everyone who's ever been on this show).

Tracey Ullman is bringing the funny back to your TV (assuming you get Showtime...) with the second season premiere of her wickedly funny State of the Union (Showtime, 10pm)! See Tracey impersonate Dina Lohan! And Renee Zellweger! And Tom Brokaw! Oh, and a dude is going to carve the Statue of Liberty out of 1200 pounds of cheese! Yes, please.

Monday, April 13
Saving Grace (TNT, 10pm) ends tonight, and Grace discovers that Earl may have been stepping out on her with another lady. Or, put another way, someone else has been having visions of her guardian angel. Same diff.

Hey, remember when Nip/Tuck was set in Miami? Looks like CSI: Miami (CBS, 10pm) has stepped in to fill the void with a plastic surgery episode cleverly entitled "Chip/Tuck." Ha! Oh, and Brooke Burns and Elizabeth Berkley are guest stars, because I imagine those ladies may know a thing or two about that particular business.

MTV is premiering their companion piece for The Hills tonight, a little ditty called College Life (MTV, 10:30pm) that the network has chosen to saddle with the tagline "This is not reality television, this is real." Let's ignore that delusional yet surprisingly self-aware sentence for a moment and discuss the fact that this show is just four college freshmen at the University of Wisconsin - Madison filming stuff, according to MTV. Because people don't act differently when they know they're on camera at all! This is real, everybody. This is real.

Tuesday, April 14
Got a fever and the only prescription is more Tim Gunn? Well, tune in to The Biggest Loser (NBC, 8pm), because it's makeover episode night! Mr. Gunn's tasteful discretion will surely be at its finest.

It's the episode of 90210 (CW, 9pm) that everyone's been waiting for... assuming "everyone" consists of Juno fans and devotees of the original series. Yes friends, an older and wiser Donna is returning this week to impart hard-won life lessons to her younger, more-prone-to-scandalous-video-leakage counterparts after many years in... Japan. Plus, she gets wrangled into designing a red-carpet dress for screenwriter Diablo Cody! Better not try to make her wear million-dollar shoes, though, because Diablo will be pi-issed.

Wednesday, April 15
Bones (FOX, 8pm) is getting a special airing this week in addition to its regular spot on Thursday. Why is Lie to Me being preempted? I don't know. Anyway, tune in to see if they took our advice and shaped up.

Kathy Griffin WILL cut a bitch...and if you don't believe it, check out her new Bravo stand-up special Kathy Griffin: She'll Cut a Bitch (Bravo, 9pm). I think the name says it all. And if that's not enough Kathy for you, because really, it never is...

Watch Bravo's A-List Awards (Bravo, 10pm)! Because Kathy is hosting, not because you need to know which male celebrity will win the A-List Abs Award. (My vote: Christian Bale, because if he gets angry enough, he might actually be able to knock you unconscious with his -- that's quality abdominal musculature for you.) Although the A-List Kate Award ("Given to the Kate with the mostest") could prove pretty contentious, what with a record ten Kates (and Cates and Mary-Kates) vying for the prize.

The Cougar (TV Land, 10pm) is premiering tonight! Hahaha, Courteney Cox is so funny...oh wait, this isn't the Courteney Cox version? It's The Bachelor with a 40-year-old lady and twentysomething guys? Ugh, never mind.

Thursday, April 16
The Phantom is back... no, not on SyFy! (Okay, yes it is, but just keep reading!) Billy Zane (see, that's what I was... oh, never mind) will guest star on Samantha Who? (ABC, 8:30pm) this week as Winston Funk, billionaire ex-lover of Sam who finally makes an appearance after a tease last season. And they're in Vegas this week! Really, what's not to like?

Battlestar Galactica (sniff...) alums are just everywhere lately... Kate Vernon, a.k.a. Fifth Cylon Ellen Tigh, is making an appearance on CSI (CBS, 9pm), in which Hodges and Wendy end up investigating a murder at a science fiction convention! And even more excitingly, this episode was written by two BSG staff writers! Will wonders never cease?

If you haven't been watching Free Radio (VH1, 11pm), you should tune in this week, and I'll tell you why: 1.) It's very funny 2.) Isn't that all you need? But if you don't believe me, look who's guest-starring on Moron in the Morning this week: John Stamos, Kathy Griffin, Bai Ling and Jim Parsons, who plays Sheldon on The Big Bang Theory! Truly something for everyone.

Friday, April 17
Hey folks, Prison Break (FOX, 9pm) is back with its final episodes before going out with a bang (and that means forever) on May 15. Best get your Michael and Lincoln fix in before you can't anymore.

What's funnier than an adult entertainment awards show afterparty? Quite possibly a lot of things... but not when that afterparty is catered by Party Down (Starz, 10:30pm)! Watch as our favorite caterers service the Sin-Say-Shun Awards recipients... and I'm pretty sure that's going to turn out to mean "literally."

Saturday, April 18
We know what you're thinking, there's usually nothing good on Saturday nights... well, that was before NBC decided to dethrone Kings (NBC, 8pm), as we pretty much knew they would after getting a glimpse of its much-too-classy-for-primetime-ness a few weeks ago. Ah, well. If you want to stay caught-up with the doings in Gilboa before this show's inevitable cancellation, you'll have to start showing up on Saturday nights. Sorry.

Also, the brand-spankin' new HBO Film Grey Gardens (HBO, 8pm) premieres tonight. Based on the Maysles Brothers' classic documentary about Big and Little Edie Bouvier Beale, a.k.a. Jackie O's insane relatives, the movie will explore the mother-daughter duo's lives prior to shacking up in that crazy cat mansion of theirs. Plus, we'll finally understand the reason for Drew Barrymore's absurd hair at the Oscars. Hopefully.

Sunday, April 5
In Treatment (HBO, 9pm) is back with an all-new set of patients for Dr. Paul Weston, including a troubled former patient played by Hope Davis, an architecture student with non-Hodgkins lymphoma played by Allison Pill, and a CEO who just wants to get a good night's sleep played by John Mahoney. As you may or may not know, the series airs five half-hour episodes a week -- two on Sunday starting at 9pm and three on Monday starting at 9pm. Let the secret-revealing begin!

Has Kings got you craving more royal drama? Check out the Season 3 premiere of The Tudors (Showtime, 9pm) and see Henry VIII progress through marriages three and four while maintaining his youthful figure -- although apparently he will have a stinking leg ulcer! Because God forbid Jonathan Rhys Meyers put on a few pounds for the sake of historical realism. No seriously, God forbid.

The season finale of The United States of Tara (Showtime, 10pm) sees Tara and her alters facing someone from her? their? past, and probably exploring some dark secrets, yanking some skeletons out of closets, the usual deal. Hey, maybe next season Tara could go on In Treatment! Pay cable crossover -- I like it.

Sunday, March 29
TV has been home to countless detective shows over the years -- some good, some bad, but none of them Botswanian. But now that niche has been filled: The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency (HBO, 8pm) premieres Sunday with a special 2-hour pilot. Bonus: this episode was the last filmed thing ever to be directed by the late, great Anthony Minghella.

Good news, Star Trek fans! ...no, I'm not talking about the movie! Family Guy (FOX, 9pm) takes a trip to the Enterprise-D when Stewie beams the cast of The Next Generation into his bedroom for a day of Trek-tastic fun. Guest voices abound!

Sunday, March 22
Season 3 of Big Love (HBO, 9 PM) ends tonight -- and it's not because of complaints from the Mormon community about the depiction of a sacred and private ceremony! Don't get excited. It's just ending. Anyway, we'll finally find out Bill's plans to get rid of Roman once and for all (mwah ha ha) AND to solve his casino problems.

So as you may or may not be aware, Nicolette Sheridan is leaving Desperate Housewives (ABC, 9 PM). Which means Edie is not long for the show -- and according to the description from ABC, this week her "worst fears come true." Bingo!
Curious about how Edie will make her departure? Check out our predictions on How Creepy Dave Will Do It!

Sunday, March 15
Know how all the classy TV shows are on Sunday night? Now there's another one: Kings (NBC, 8pm), an ambitious new drama based on the King David story about an alternate reality in which the modern world is divided into nation-states ruled by divinely chosen kings. Whew, that was a mouthful... which is kind of why we feel this undoubtedly complicated thing would make more sense on cable, at the very least, where it can curse and use dark subject matter to explore profound themes in good company. Oh well, props to NBC for trying something new. And yes the premiere will be two hours... but don't worry, not even a drama premiere of this weight can preempt The Celebrity Apprentice -- it has merely been bumped to 10PM.

Hey ladies, finally feeling empowered about your search for love? VH1 Tough Love (VH1, 10pm) is here to kick all that to shit! In the first episode, some guy purporting to be a professional matchmaker will destroy the self-esteem of eight women by forcing them to find out "what men really think!" of their appearances as the first of many lessons in, apparently, changing yourself to become more appealing to the opposite sex. Wait a second, Drew Barrymore created this thing? What about everything she taught me about staying true to myself in Never Been Kissed and The Wedding Singer? I just don't know what to feel.

It's that time of year again, when people who ordinarily seem relatively sane turn into obsessed basketball freaks and start screaming about colleges -- many of which you've never even heard of -- and filling up their Facebook statuses with things like "Duke was totally robbed" and "That ref totally made the wrong call" or "LET'S GO NOVA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" (I literally copied that last one, including the all upper cases, from a FB friend just two minutes ago). I don't even know who or what a Nova is. But fine. Go them! Anyway, if you, like me, can't deal with the insanity and the brackets, and your favorite shows getting all preempted here are our recommendations of things you might want to watch instead.

Sunday, March 8
The L Word (Showtime, 9 PM) airs its final episode ever after a one-hour finale special at 8 PM. After six seasons of the groundbreaking series, is television a friendlier place for the LGBT community? Hmm... let me see... well, Callie's bicurious on Grey's Anatomy, now. That's gotta count for something, I guess.

Get out your Erlenmyer flasks and desperation-induced disregard for law enforcement, everyone! Breaking Bad (AMC, 10 PM) is back for its second season, and with the terminally ill Walt still in need of mucho cash to provide for his family, the meth-dealing antics are certain to be running high. High. Get it? Fine, that was lame -- but know what's not lame? Emmy winner Bryan Cranston. So watch this show.

Get more for your money with three double episodes, one quadruple episode, and a free American Idol!

Sunday, March 1
The Donald is back when another season of The Celebrity Apprentice (NBC, 9pm) premieres Sunday night with an all new cast of "celebrities" (sure Donald, we'll call them that if you want us to) embracing their first challenge -- selling cupcakes on the streets of New York. Think about this next question seriously: if Joan Rivers and Dennis Rodman accosted you with a tray of baked goods of questionable origin on your way to the ATM, what would you do? Yeah, I'd run too.

Can't get enough of those wacky Walkers? Then tune in for the Brothers & Sisters (ABC, 9pm) two-hour special episode, in which birth and death will go hand-in-hand, as they so often do. Especially during sweeps week...

And the Oscar goes to...

Sunday, February 22
It's finally time...no, not for another season of Survivor, Tocantins has barely started, you impatient people!...for the 81st Annual Academy Awards (ABC, 8:30pm)! And if you'd like to go for broke and extend your Oscar-watching experience past the twenty-four-hour mark (just kidding, it will only be twenty-three hours this year!), tune in to The Barbara Walters Oscar Special (ABC, 7pm) and watch her interview Hugh Jackman, Anne Hathaway, Mickey Rourke and...the Jonas Brothers???? Ugh, never mind...I guess you could watch red carpet coverage instead -- E! starts theirs at 1pm!

And for those of you not in the mood to watch an assortment of self-congratulatory famous people fawn all over each other, you can be a rebel and watch the finale of Confessions of a Teen Idol (VH1, 8pm), in which an assortment of self-congratulatory non-famous people will fawn all over each other! See the difference? Listen, I can pretty much guarantee you that Scott Baio will not be hugging any severely needy men-children at the Oscars, so for those of you who feel you need a little Chachi love: you're welcome.

Here's what's new and notable in the coming week.

Sunday, February 15
Season 14 of The Amazing Race (CBS, 8PM) kicks off with the eleven new teams being forced to run down a Swiss hill while balancing 50-pound wheels of cheese in antique wooden racks! Other wonders will include a team of NFL cheerleaders, a team of self-proclaimed hillbillies (what?), and TAR's first deaf contestant. Oh, and the guy who wrote School of Rock and Nacho Libre is on a team with his dad...guess he'll have an advantage when it comes to the cheese challenge.

The Simpsons (FOX, 8PM) begins its twentieth season this Sunday, meaning the show is now tied with Gunsmoke as America's longest-running primetime series. And our favorite animated family is marking the occasion with a new title sequence! As long as Bart is writing something somewhere, we'll be happy.

Eastbound & Down (HBO, 10:30PM), premieres Sunday and stars the hilarious Danny McBride (The Foot Fist Way, Tropic Thunder, Pineapple Express) as a washed-up relief pitcher who is forced to return to his hometown and take a job as gym teacher. If you enjoy broad comedy involving hookers and cocaine, shows that are executive produced by Will Ferrell, or marveling at Danny's absurdly over-gelled mullet, you'll love this!

Monday, February 16
Though no longer wowing us with the marvels of 3-D, this week's episode of Chuck (NBC, 8PM) features Chuck and Sarah on assignment pretending to shack up together in suburbia -- with Andy Richter and Jenny McCarthy as their wacky neighbors!

Good news, Strangers with Candy fans -- Amy Sedaris guest stars as Fritz' "intuitionist" sister Claire on The Closer (TNT, 9PM). Here's hoping that the possibly clairvoyant former yoga instructor/glass blower/Cirque du Soleil student hits it off with Brenda and lands a recurring role.
P.S. - Read TwoP's interview with the divine Ms. Sedaris here!

Tuesday, February 17
Get ready to text, America... because Tuesday is your first chance to vote on American Idol (FOX, 8PM)! Luckily, there will be two whole hours in which to do a shot every time someone says "pitchy" evaluate the vocal nuance and skill of the first twelve semifinalists. Vote wisely -- how much longer can our country really afford to tolerate Tatiana?

Wish there was an alternate way to spend two hours judging a bunch of attention-craving strangers? There is! Tune in to the finale of The Real Housewives of Orange County (Bravo, 10PM) and Season 2 premiere of The Real Housewives of New York City (Bravo, 11PM)! We'll all be sad to see the original inexplicably-titled "housewives" (have any of these women ever handled so much as a sponge on the show?) ride off into the sunset, but their bitchery really can't compete with the blatant bickering in the Big Apple. OC diehards: just think of it as trading enhanced assets for enhanced accents.

Wednesday, February 18
The members of the Oceanic Six discover how to get back to the island on Lost (ABC, 9PM), but not all of them want to return. Honestly, would you want to make an undoubtedly precarious journey back to a time-traveling island that doesn't stay in one place? Yeah, neither would I. Bonus: Jack's grandfather may show his face!

Now that Bravo has finally stopped deep-sixing deserving contestants in order to keep the Leah/Hosea fake-lationship alive, there might be a legitimate battle brewing on part one of Top Chef's (Bravo, 10PM) season finale! Which is in New Orleans! Plus, we'll get to find out what the hell is going on with Fabio's hair.

Thursday, February 19
Bernadette Peters returns to Ugly Betty (ABC, 8PM) as Jodie Papadakis, a rival magazine guru whose assistant training program might just lure Betty away from Daniel. This after her guest appearance on this season's premiere of Grey's Anatomy -- props to her for not running screaming away from all future ABC guest spots after being exposed to that suckitude.

Faye Dunaway takes a stab at Seattle Grace as a renowned surgeon whose abilities get called into question on Grey's Anatomy (ABC, 9PM) for the second part of the crossover episode. But I know why you're really watching -- you want to see how far the writers will push Izzie and George's storylines before Katherine Heigl and T.R. Knight leave the show. Oh wait, now they're not leaving the show? I just don't know what to believe!

The much-touted lady millionaire makes her appearance on Thursday's The Millionaire Matchmaker (Bravo, 10PM). Chances she'll end up blissfully happy with a man twenty years younger and so undeniably attractive that even the age-inappropriately lecherous male millionaires are jealous? Eh, probably not too high.

Friday, February 20
The Panthers are getting a new quarterback -- and he's a freshman! Jeremy Sumpter joins the cast of Friday Night Lights (NBC, 9PM), which means things are going to get feisty out there in Dillon.

Monk (USA, 9PM) limps to the end of its seventh season when Monk investigates some shady goings-on surrounding the demolition of the parking garage where Trudy died. Is anyone besides me getting frustrated with the lack of worthwhile evidence about Trudy's death? Thankfully, the final season has been announced for this summer so we and our favorite obsessive-compulsive detective may not have to wait much longer for the closure we all sorely need.

Shawn must evade the notorious Yin Yang serial killer on the season finale of Psych (USA, 10PM) -- but luckily he has guest stars Cybill Shepherd and Rachael Leigh Cook to back him up! Surely their experience as his mother and jilted ex-girlfriend will... actually, I'm not sure how their presence could help him in any way.