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Going Through Channels
Wednesday, March 4, 2009: <i>America’s Next Top Model</i> It's time for yet another cycle of my favorite beautiful-people-getting-dressed-down-by-Tyra-Banks shitshow, America's Next Top Model (ANTM if you're nasty). Sadly there will be no transgender aspiring models this season, which is almost enough to make me lay down an embargo -- give me trannies or give me death! But not quite. This season cycle, to make up for the lack of former dudes, there will be a burn victim, an epileptic (not dog), a chick who used to date Dale Earnhardt, Jr. and a weirdo who claims to be obsessed with hemophila. Which according to my must-watch algorithm, is the equivalent of maybe a quarter of Isis's long, lithe pinky toe.

Based on the promos, I can already tell I'm going to want to bitchslap "conspiracy theorist" Monique for pretending she knows a goddamn thing about politics, who posits in an interview with the judges that the government orchestrated 9/11. You can go hole up with Mel Gibson and get outta my damned face, Mo.

Bravo's hedging its bets to compete with the ANTM warhorse, debuting a new season of their own modelizing reality show, Make Me a Supermodel. At this rate they really oughta rename Wednesdays "Feel Fat, Ugly and Bad About Yourself Day." It's got a nice ring to it, don't you think?

ANTM's two-bloody-hour premiere airs tonight at 8 PM on The CW. Make Me a Supermodel will assault your eyes at 10 PM on Bravo. Hell-bent on maintaining some vestige of your self-esteem? Avoid the model onslaught and see what else is on offer with our Week in Preview.

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