Saturday, September 26, 2009
Uh-oh. Things will go horribly awry for an unsuspecting couple driving through Nebraska in yet another TV remake of a Stephen King movie. Children in funny hats will do very naughty things in Children of the Corn (SyFy, 9:00 PM).
Megan Fox hosts Saturday Night Live (NBC, 11:30 PM) for the show's 35th season premiere. U2 will provide some music. And maybe we'll laugh for once.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
The Amazing Race (CBS, 8:00 PM) returns for a 15th season with the teams starting out in Japan. I already can't stand Lance -- he had this to say about his fiancée Keri in the cast intro: "You know, she's a woman, she's emotional." Shut it, Lance.
The Simpsons (FOX, 8:00 PM) will hang on for dear life in a 21st season, while the politically incorrect The Cleveland Show (FOX, 8:30 PM) and Family Guy (FOX, 9:00 PM) will place college boys under Seth Macfarlane-induced cardiac arrest.
Michael C. Hall will play double duty as a dad and serial-killing vigilante in the fourth season of Dexter (Showtime, 9:00 PM). Dexter may accessorize his drab killing uniform with a Baby Bjorn.
Desperate Housewives (ABC, 9:00 PM) returns for a sixth season. Drea de Matteo will play the latest housewife living on Wisteria Lane. Her character is Italian (shocking!) and has secrets (gasp!).
Monday, September 28, 2009
House (FOX, 8:00 PM) is looking good this season.
Tim Roth is a scary man. You'll be even more scared of him once he reads every nuance on your face in the second season of Lie to Me (FOX, 9:00 PM).
There are only two sure bets for hour-long dramas: cop shows or medical shows. Trauma (NBC, 9:00 PM) is a medical show. With explosions.
If you haven't seen it yet, the season finale of Hoarders (A&E, 10:00 PM) is something to catch. It's an honest look at people with very difficult compulsions.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
This week's episode of 90210 (The CW, 8:00 PM) is titled "The Porn King." Apparently, Dixon is hoarding porn in the trunk of his luxury sports car. Bad little rich boy.
If you care, Shark Tank (ABC, 8:00 PM) is in a new timeslot. It's pretty interesting to see how products we don't need make it into stores. My favorite was this guy who tried to pitch something called "Dream Water" to help people sleep. We already have that. It's called booze.
I never wished that I had been blind until I saw Tom Delay booty dance. Dancing with the Stars moves into a new timeslot (ABC, 9:00 PM).
Kristen Cavallari returns to The Hills (MTV, 10:00 PM) to stir the pot of SoCal stupidity. Spencer and Heidi will argue about whether they should spawn.
Like, double your brain cell loss with, like, The City (MTV, 10:30 PM).
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Hank (ABC, 8:00 PM), a.k.a. Frasier: Part Deux premieres tonight. Kelsey Grammer plays a fancy city dweller forced to live in a podunk Virginia town while "struggling to figure out how to mingle with the little people -- like his family." Ouch.
Wow! I didn't think there would be enough oblivious women left for a second season of I Didn't Know I was Pregnant (TLC, 9:00 PM).
The Middle (ABC, 8:30 PM) premieres tonight, starring Patricica Heaton as a middle-class mother living in middle America and heading toward middle age. The title worked out for this show.
Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Ruins (MTV, 10:00 PM) premieres tonight. I'm wondering if some of the series regulars (Wes, Adam, etc.) have some sort of a pension plan. No matter -- Chet from The Real World: New York will be back and rocking the bowtie.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
The penguin wedding featured in the second season premiere of Parks and Recreation (NBC, 8:30 PM) was pretty cute. This show is winning over my affection -- and I think I'll have to start calling tomatoes Soulja Boy Tell-'Em's.
Weird things continue to happen on Fringe (FOX, 9:00 PM).
Watch horrible, selfish people do horrible, selfish things. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (FX, 10:00 PM) is the perfect flavor of offensive.
Private Practice (ABC, 10:00 PM) premieres for a third season and will pick up in the aftermath of the attack on pregnant Violet.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Shockingly enough, 'Til Death (FOX, 8:30 PM) is coming back for a fourth season.
Stargate Universe (SyFy, 9:00 PM) will add to the popular franchise. A portion of an upcoming episode was filmed in Alamogordo, New Mexico. I went to Alamogordo in sixth grade for space camp. This can't be a simple coincidence.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Travel back in time with the Doctor to London circa 1851 on Doctor Who (BBCA, 9 PM), where he meets a man who, if you can believe it, goes by the name... "The Doctor." The Doctor believes the other Doctor, or "the next Doctor," to be a "future regeneration." Be very, very confused.
Even lawyers with hallucinations who may be modern-day prophets experience the awkward morning after. Tune into Eli Stone (ABC, 10 PM) and watch the awkward sexual tension between Maggie and Eli in court after sleeping together. Let's not grimace too much.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
There are a lot of people that need to be recognized in this three-hour-long awards ceremony. Check out BET Awards '09 (BET, 8 PM) to find out the nominees and winners in the music, sports and entertainment fields, and not just because Jamie Foxx is hosting the event.
Apparently you can turn anything into a TV show. In the new series Hung (HBO, 10 PM), a middle-aged, underpaid high school teacher and basketball coach whose wife and children left him after a fire is left with nothing but his well-hung assets (I don't think that needs more explaining). He uses his family jewels to turn his fortunes around. Racy, no?
Mary once again does her duty to protect anyone in the Federal Witness Relocation Program. But when visitation rights are at stake and a boy goes missing, will Mary be able to pull things together in the latest episode of In Plain Sight (USA 10 PM)? She's our very own modern-day heroine!
Monday, June 29, 2009
Because the show is going on hiatus, TLC felt it was necessary to reinforce just how tragic Jon and Kate's divorce is by reminding us of their happy years. Watch the first 10 years on Jon & Kate Plus 8 (TLC, 9 PM) and see where it all went wrong. TLC, this is all your own doing!
Because Biggest Loser and So You Think You Can Dance? are popular reality shows, it's about time someone combined them. Tune in to the series premiere of Dance Your Ass Off (Oxygen, 10 PM) and watch the contestants shake and rattle those rolls.
You could say Tiffany Pollard has done it all, from trimming goats' nails to hunting ghosts. Check out the season finale of New York Goes to Work (VH1, 10 PM) to find out the next horrifyingly menial task America will want her to do next. Sadistic much?
Things haven't been too great for former pot dealer Nancy Botwin. Now that she's preggos, there's only so much more mischief she can get into. Judging from tonight's episode title of Weeds (Showtime, 10 PM) Super Lucky Happy, maybe her luck will change. Or maybe it's just ironic.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
With the economy the way it is, you may need an expert when it comes to selling your house. Enter Lisa Lynch. In the series premiere of Stager Invasion (TLC, 8 PM), Lisa dresses up homes to appeal to buyers. Or you can save your $1,000 and just add some pretty curtains and fluffy pillows.
Auditions continue on America's Got Talent (NBC 9 PM). Sometimes it hurts to see people fail miserably. Let's hope we can find another Susan Boyle. But it's America, so maybe not.
Maybe the six-member cast will live up to their Gossip Girl counterpart potential in tonight's episode of NYC Prep (Bravo, 9 PM). Taylor has to choose between two boys, and PC insults both Kelli and Jessie. That's no way to get girls, PC. Well, unless you're Chuck Bass.
After a drama-filled dinner with Paris' friends and family in last week's episode, find out what's in store in tonight's episode of Paris Hilton's My New BFF (MTV, 10 PM). Kudos to the contestants for lasting this long.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
In tonight's Wipeout (ABC 8 PM), the contestants are faced with an obstacle course, containing spiked fenders, spinning triangles and a drop bridge. It sounds needlessly vicious.
Watch the designers create loungewear in tonight's episode of The Fashion Show (Bravo, 10 PM). And not related to fashion designing at all, they'll also pay a visit to a Tarot card reader to learn their future. Hmm, will it foreshadow the time they have left on the show?
Teddy seeks advice from an unlikely source -- a Burmese democratic leader under house arrest -- and meets a girl in need of a kidney transplant in tonight's drama-filled episode of The Philanthropist (NBC 10 PM).
Thursday, July 2, 2009
The little self-centered bi-yatch from Samantha's pre-amnesia days comes out in Samantha Who? (ABC 8 PM) as she tries to sabotage Todd's competition for a job at a local newspaper. I understand you're in love with him, but stop meddling!
On this week's So You Think You Can Dance? (FOX, 9 PM), things get heated as two of the top 14 dancers are eliminated.
If you want to avoid the awkward sex talk with your kids, just have them watch 16 and Pregnant (MTV, 10 PM). The thought of teen pregnancy just might scare them into abstinence. In tonight's episode, a couple had plans to join the Air Force after graduation, but a baby may change all that. Babies ruin everything!
Friday, July 3, 2009
After returning from hiatus, a hot-dog-eating champion tries his hand at winning $1 million in Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader? (FOX, 8 PM). What a horrible-yet-entertaining way to lose face...
Saturday, July 18, 2009
On the third season premiere of The Bill Engvall Show (TBS, 9 PM), Bill tells Lauren that the family can't afford to pay for her Spring Break trip. Ironic how this sitcom is more realistic than reality TV.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Oh, Lindsay Lohan -- some kind souls out there might actually watch Labor Pains (ABC Family, 8 PM), simply because they feel bad that you've been reduced to a made-for-TV movie about faking pregnancy.
If you're lacking in a) plans for Sunday night, or b) a soul, tune in for the series premiere of Most Popular (WE, 10 PM). On this new game show, 100 audience members judge seven female contestants. Then they vote off the one that they like least, solely based on their first impressions. This one sounds too sad to even be funny.
On tonight's pubescent episode of Merlin (NBC, 8 PM), Arthur develops a crush on a beautiful, mysterious girl... who wants to kill him in exchange for eternal life. Happens to the best of us, eh?
Monday, July 20, 2009
Torchwood (BBC America, 9 PM) is back for its third season, and Captain Jack, Gwen and Ianto are faced with the challenge of saving mankind whilst mourning the loss of two of their best friends. Talk about bad timing.
On the new reality series Dating in the Dark (ABC, 10 PM), love is blind as singles get to know each other in pitch-black darkness. But wouldn't it be so much funnier if they just got really drunk? Or put paper bags on their heads? Or got drunk and put paper bags on their heads?
The series premiere of The T.O. Show (VH1, 10 PM) sparks the journey for the recently cut wide receiver to reconcile the two aspects of his personality: controversial superstar T.O. and quiet, thoughtful Terrell Owens. And if that doesn't do it for you, he's guaranteed to be shirtless. A lot.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Gordon Ramsay is back, newly botoxed and ready to kick some ass on the 6th season premiere of Hell's Kitchen (Fox, 8 PM). For the first time, the signature dish challenge becomes a team competition and a battle of the sexes.
Calling all 12-year-old girls and their mommies! Tonight marks the premiere of Ruby & the Rockits (ABC Family, 8:30 PM), a new series about a still-going '80s pop star (David Cassidy) who brings his recently discovered daughter (Alexa Vega) to live with his brother and former bandmate (Patrick Cassidy). Adorable bonuses: David and Patrick keep their real names for their characters, and Shaun Cassidy is the executive producer.
If Ruby & the Rockits is so bad it leaves you wishing for the apocalypse, check out the series premiere of The Colony (Discovery, 10 PM), a controlled experiment that looks at what it would be like to have to rebuild society if the world were destroyed.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Do you have a strange fascination with the creature known as the pageant mom? What about 5-year-old girls that look like they're 30? You don't even have to answer these questions because really, who doesn't? The second season premiere of Toddlers & Tiaras (TLC, 10 PM) is tonight, and it looks disturbingly awesome.
Michael Ian Black and Michael Showalter are hilarious separately, which means they'll be even more hilarious together. Right? Check out tonight's episode of Michael & Michael Have Issues (Comedy Central, 10:30 PM) and find out.
On tonight's Top Chef Masters (Bravo, 10 PM), the contestants must create a dish using a box of mystery ingredients. Let's just hope the box isn't full of condiments. What a twist!
Thursday, July 23, 2009
On tonight's episode of So You Think You Can Dance (Fox, 9 PM), two of the top eight are voted off. But the real excitement lies with the much-anticipated Katie Holmes song and dance performance to Judy Garland's "Get Happy," choreographed by Tyce Diorio. Seriously, I think sequins are just about the only thing that can make this more fabulous.
Betsey Johnson is guest-judging the finale of The Fashion Show (Bravo, 10 PM), and that's pretty exciting -- especially since I never really understood who made Kelly Rowland a fashion authority.
Thank God 16 & Pregnant (MTV, 10 PM) is finally ending. Not that we need to be any more depressed, but I hope the "Life After Labor" finale special brings some personal anecdotes of misery so we can all stop glamorizing teen pregnancy.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Piers Morgan guest-judges on tonight's season finale of Chopping Block (NBC, 8 PM). He's no NPH, but we'll take it.
Jack uses his "unconventional methods" to uncover clues from the testimony of a murdered drug dealer's autistic daughter on Mental (Fox, 9 PM). Also, Arturo's soap opera actor father thinks his experience playing a doctor will help him solve a medical case. Cute.
Saturday, May 23
If you're sad Supernatural is over, or simply miss gruff old Bobby, why not follow him over to Harper's Island (CBS, 9 PM)? This awesome 13 episode horror mini-series is almost halfway done, but you can catch the first five episodes at CBS.com before watching Episode 6 tonight. Any show that kills off Harry Hamlin in the first episode is okay by us.
In the newest episode of Primeval (BBC America, 9 PM), the team fights a chameleon-like creature, and Dr. Jekyll from League of Extraordinary Gentlemen plays a cop. I really don't know how I could make this sound more awesome than it already is.
Sunday, May 24
Oh, snap! Henry's gonna annul his marriage to Anne of Cleves? Shit just got real! That's how they roll on The Tudors, son! (Showtime, 9 PM)
I haven't watched Breaking Bad (AMC, 10 PM), but apparently it's awesome? Bryan Cranston is pretty great, and so is crystal meth, so I believe it.
I have yet to understand how watching Gabriel Byrne psychoanalyze someone is must-see TV, but there are two new, back-to-back episodes of In Treatment (HBO, 9 PM) on tonight. I guess it's cheaper than seeing your own therapist?
Monday, May 25
Apparently, getting 20% more bachelors for The Bachelorette (ABC, 8 PM) means they have to send them home a bunch at a time. Of the 20 who are left, four go home tonight, after a pool party and a basketball game. Ready your slo-mo buttons, ladies!
On a very special Jon & Kate Plus 8 (TLC, 9 PM), the sextuplets all celebrate their fifth birthdays (that sounds like a load of fun) and Jon and Kate "address what the future holds for their family." This oughta be good.
Does anyone really want to see Speidi plan their wedding on The Hills (MTV, 10 PM)? I didn't think so.
It's the penultimate NBC episode of Medium (NBC 10 PM), now that it's moving to CBS to form a psychic ladies detective agency with Ghost Whisperer. All I can say is, they better team up.
Tuesday, May 26
Reaper (CW, 8 PM)? This show is still on?
We watched the commercial for Mental (Fox, 9 PM), which premieres tonight, and we absolutely cannot tell you one thing about the show, except it takes place at a hospital, and it's very emotional. There's a lot of that going around.
If someone had told me five years ago that I would love Denis Leary as much as I do today, I would have called them a liar. Rescue Me (FX, 10 PM) totally makes up for Two if by Sea.
Wednesday, May 27
So You Think You Can Dance? (Fox, 8 PM) Well, you have two hours to prove it. But that's it.
Takeshi's Castle knock-off or not, Wipeout (ABC, 8 PM) makes us cheer every time an idiot takes a giant, padded beam to the groin.
Sad though I am that The Unusuals (ABC, 10 PM) has been canceled, I will savor every last episode, including tonight's, which features an 87-year-old man on a crime spree.
Thursday, May 28
Two more hours of So You Think You Can Dance (Fox, 8 PM)? Man, either I'm an idiot for not watching this show or the luckiest bastard on Earth.
Can I just say that some of the contestants on The Fashion Show (Bravo, 10 PM) are crazy? And that one is named Merlin? And that he's crazy?
Friday, May 29
Apparently, Don't Forget the Lyrics (Fox, 8 PM) is still on the air, and Howard Stern's producer Gary Dell'Abate will be playing for charity tonight. Also appearing: singer Mark McGrath. Just doing our job, no need to thank us.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Annie does some heavy multi-tasking in tonight's episode of Being Human (BBCA, 9 PM). Not only does she have to pretend to be human, she investigates the reason why she's stuck in limbo with the help of a fellow ghost.
In the series finale of Dirty Sexy Money (ABC, 10 PM), things get darker and dirtier when Simon is clandestinely taken somewhere after being stabbed, and Nick's ex-wife decides to expose the secrets of the Darling clan in a book -- something I wouldn't mind reading.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
The economy is driving everyone insane, including a random, aging revolutionary in the finale of Law & Order (USA, 9 PM) who sparks an uprising and kidnaps the country's most powerful banker as a result of banks failing the American people.
We've seen the white-mask-donned members of Jabbawockeez do their thing, and it's getting old. And since the other winners weren't as memorable, let's hope we finally find a crew that will finally upstage them in the fourth season premiere of America's Best Dance Crew (MTV, 9 PM).
Entrepreneurship reality shows are all the rage these days. Shark Tank (ABC, 9 PM) premieres with budding entrepreneurs who pitch ideas to the "sharks," and if more than one shark wants to invest, the jaws come out and a bidding war begins.
There's no better way to get to know the neighbors than be enclosed together by a 20-foot wall. But, if that's what it takes to win $250,000, then so be it. Eight suburban families compete in family-friendly games in the series premiere of There Goes the Neighborhood (CBS, 9 PM) for the grand prize.
Monday, August 10, 2009
If you want to check out what the teeny boppers these days go crazy for, then tune into Teen Choice 2009 (Fox, 8 PM), because you'll be in luck -- the Jonas Brothers are hosting the awards ceremony.
So, despite her claim of lacking "celebrity status," Kathy is moving up and gets a star on the Walk of Fame in the fifth season finale of Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List (Bravo, 10 PM). Not too shabby.
So, Nancy's lack of parental responsibility finally catches up with her because Shane got shot, and now new enemies threaten both Silas and Shane in tonight's episode of Weeds (Showtime, 10 PM). The Botwins are in danger. Again. Nothing new there. Meanwhile, Doug and Dean finally take down Celia. Serves her right for being a conniving thief.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
NYC Prep (Bravo, 9 PM) will finally be over. PC and Jessie say bye to each other, and there's something about a charity event in tonight's finale.
Things get way more interesting when Veronica's surprising secret life is exposed in a Veridian intervention in the first season finale of Better Off Ted (ABC, 9:30 PM). Meanwhile, Ted might be getting some action, because Linda sets him up with her ex-roommate.
The second season premiere of Daddy's Girls (MTV, 10 PM) is tonight, and it's about Vanessa and Angela Simmons. I have no idea who they are or why they're famous. All I know is that they live in LA and have a shoe and apparel line.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Bear Grylls never fails to bring his A-game, because we learn a thing or two about surviving the Arctic Circle chill in the fourth season premiere of Man vs. Wild (Discovery, 9 PM). Plus! We get to see a frozen waterfall!
Teddy's always doing some good -- like helping solve the food shortage in Haiti. Philip is on board too, but too bad there's a sibling throwdown with his estranged brother that may get in the way. Find out on tonight's finale of The Philanthropist (NBC, 10 PM).
If you didn't get your fill of eerie, doll-like child beauty pageant contestants in Little Miss Sunshine, you can check out West Virginia's bigtime Walk of Fame pageant on tonight's Toddlers & Tiaras (TLC, 10 PM) -- crazy parents, creepily made-up little girls and all.
For all you diehard football fans, get a good, hard look into the lives of the Cincinnati Bengals as the team preps for the 2009 season at training camp in tonight's fifth season premiere of Hard Knocks (HBO, 10 PM).
Thursday, August 13, 2009
We get to know the second generation of Skins (BBCA, 9 PM) a little more. All we know for sure is that Cook is the charismatic and sociable one, so it makes sense that he celebrates his birthday in his Uncle Keith's pub. Will he get closer to Effy in tonight's episode?
Things get out of hand when Kat goes away to NYC to promote her new fragrance line in tonight's episode of LA Ink (TLC, 10 PM), and Aubry takes this opportunity to cause some mischief.
Kim seems to be the black sheep of the Real Housewives of Atlanta (Bravo, 10 PM) since everyone has some sort of a grudge against her, but that doesn't stop her from throwing a wig party. Also, a reconciliation between the three housewives don't go as planned, which could be seen as a good thing. What's the point of the show if everyone makes nice?
Friday, August 14, 2009
The town of Eureka (Syfy, 9 PM) sees some deadly electrical abnormalities, and Sheriff Carter is right to think that it has something to do with Henry's ship returning. The show sure has some Lost characteristics, don't you think?
As all good detectives do, Shawn and Gus discover the wreckage of a plane crash that killed some billionaire whose dying words claim that he was murdered. It's time for Shawn to do some good and use his psychic abilities and find out who crashed the plane. Watch it in tonight's episode of Psych (USA, 10 PM).
October 3, 2009
Ryan Reynolds and his arms will host Saturday Night Live (NBC, 11:30 PM). Lady Gaga will wear something weird. I know that the season premiere was not too great, but I'll stand by this show until I meet the reaper.
October 4, 2009
America's Funniest Home Videos (ABC, 7:00 PM), returns for a 20th season. Some videos will have cute babies, cute animals, or cute slow-motion replays of people getting hit in the crotch with seesaws.
This episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm (HBO, 9:00 PM) reunites Larry with Jerry, George, Elaine and that bigot. (No, I still haven't forgotten.)
The preview for the sixth season finale of Entourage (HBO, 10:30 PM) reveals that women are somehow still interested in dating permanent man-children who wear tracksuits.
October 5, 2009
Sherri Shepard will continue her domination of television marketed to women -- Sherri (Lifetime, 7:00 PM) premieres tonight and will air five episodes this week.
Both Hilary Duff and Tyra Banks will guest-star as actresses on Gossip Girl (The CW, 9:00 PM). No comment.
The Big Bang Theory (CBS, 9:30 PM) continues the Penny and Leonard awkwardness extravaganza.
October 7, 2009
America's Next Top Model (The CW, 8:00 PM) will have a Cirque du Soleil theme tonight. Tyra will attempt acrobatics, fail, and play it off with her smize.
On tonight's The New Adventures of Old Christine (CBS, 8:00 PM), Christine notices a weird mole on her body and becomes convinced that she's dying. That reminds me of the time my sister's chipped nail polish resembled Conan O'Brien's profile. But, she didn't die, so I guess it's not the same.
The fall season premiere of South Park (Comedy Central, 10:00 PM) airs tonight. I'm hoping for another Gayfish (a.k.a. Kanye West) appearance.
Man Shops Globe (Sundance, 10:00 PM) will follow Anthropologie buyer Keith Johnson as he hunts the world for ways to keep twentysomething female professionals deep in credit-card debt.
October 8, 2009
Community (NBC, 8:00 PM) moves to a new timeslot. Senor Chang investigates who cheated on a Spanish test.
Jim and Pam will unite in holy matrimony on The Office (NBC, 9:00 PM) at the most stereotypically romantic of all destinations, Niagara Falls.
Before I saw Police Women of Broward County (TLC, 9:00 PM), I only knew of one or two ways to hide narcotics on one's person. Now I know of at least five.
October 9, 2009
Ugly Betty (ABC, 8:00 PM) begins its fourth season with a two-hour premiere. Two hours. At least Betty's losing the braces.
Joel McHale reminds us of his talent for snark every week on The Soup (E!, 10:00 PM).
Sunday, September 13, 2009
The MTV VMAs (MTV, VH1 for some reason, 9 PM) are on tonight. Finally, someone publicly recognizes Twilight and the Jonas Brothers. And nothing else.
True Blood (HBO 9 PM) season finale time. You have no idea how badly I want Maryann dead. I hope it's the most unpleasant, most gruesome, merciless, undignified death in the history of television. I love Michelle Forbes, but I have hated that character with the fire of a thousand suns since day one.
Monday, September 14, 2009
One Tree Hill (The CW, 8 PM) is back, and the last time I insinuated that it wasn't a very good show I got some of the most violent hate mail I have ever received (which is saying something, believe me), so I'm saving my inbox the trauma and just -- yay!!! One Tree Hill, everybody! Best show ever! Who needs the stars of the show when you have all those other people for an entire season and hopefully a hundred more?!
Gossip Girl (The CW, 9 PM) goes to college this year. It very may well be the death toll for the show and that's all very upsetting and everything, but I'm thinking positive. Specifically, I'm thinking of Blair doing keg stands. Very positively.
The Jay Leno Show (NBC, 10 PM) premiere is also finally happening. Please don't watch it.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Premiere month is so great. The Biggest Loser (NBC, 8 PM) returns tonight, where it will continue to be the most satisfying reality show in the history of television. Plus, no couples this time! Each contestant is going it alone this year, and I'm psyched.
He's picking Malissa on More to Love (Fox, 8 PM). There's no question about this, right? Why are we even doing the finale?
I'm putting Shaq Vs. (ABC, 9 PM) in here pretty much just for Angel, who, despite his constant overt doucheness, remains loyal to her man Michael Phelps, who will be embarrassing Shaq in an Olympic-sized pool on tonight's finale. I hope someday we all find true love like that.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
The Beautiful Life (The CW, 9 PM) is probably going to kill Mischa Barton, and it's not even very good anyway, but it sure does premiere tonight!
Glee (Fox, 9 PM) boasts Josh Groban and Victor Garber (in a bowtie!) tonight. It's so precious I could die.
On tonight's Top Chef (Bravo, 10 PM) Tom will spit out food that Padma calls "disgusting." Padma spits out food all the time because she's a delicate princess (God love her), but Tom is made of steel. I have to know what this diabolical dish is.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Bones (Fox, 8 PM) sets out to make up for its terrible season finale last year with a brand new season of relentlessly quirky crime-solving.
Survivor: Samoa (CBS, 8 PM) is also back. This night is kind of out of control, as you'll soon see.
Parks and Recreation (Fox, 8:30 PM) returns tonight, and NBC executives have promised it will actually be funny this year!
Please, please, please watch Fringe (Fox, 9 PM) in its new, unfortunate timeslot. Don't let Fox kill another show I love.
I don't care about The Office (NBC, 9 PM) anymore, but I am aware that most people do. It's back tonight, Jam are spawning and getting married, it's all very romantic.
Community (NBC, 9:30 PM), and Joel McHale's acting in it, are both much, much better than I thought they would be. I wouldn't get too attached to it, though -- this thing has annoyingly early cancellation written all over it.
If you're not watching It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (FX, 10 PM), you should know that it's the funniest thing in the world. In tonight's premiere, Mac and Dennis pose as real estate agents and try to play good cop/bad cop with perspective buyers of homes they have no business pretending they have the authority to sell.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Do you like paintings of flowers that are meant to represent vaginas? Then Georgia O'Keefe (Lifetime, 9 PM) may be a good choice for you. The biopic stars Joan Allen and Jeremy Irons as the iconic artist and her husband, Alfred Stieglitz. The cast alone proves once again that Lifetime is a force to be reckoned with.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
It's time to give out some more gold-plated statuettes: The Primetime Emmy Awards (CBS, 8 PM) will be hosted by Neil Patrick Harris. Hopefully Harris will put some life into this year's attempt at award show patter. (2nd option: Maybe Harris will put some life back into this flailing award show and snort some coke off of a stripper's ass.) 30 Rock leads with 22 nominations, while True Blood is nominated for its opening title sequence. Titles! They are good titles, but come on.
Perennially miffed Larry David returns to a 7th season of Curb Your Enthusiasm (HBO, 9:00 PM) with a Seinfeld reunion up his sleeve.
Jason Schwartzman comes to cable TV in Bored to Death (HBO, 9:30 PM), playing a pot-smoking writer who moonlights as an amateur detective. The perfectly awkward Zach Galifianakis and the always-awesome Ted Danson provide backup.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Break out your Capezio's and sequins -- Dancing with the Stars (ABC, 8:00 PM) returns tonight. If you consider Aaron Carter, Melissa Joan Hart and Tom DeLay to be stars, then you're permitted to do a happy-dance. I didn't mean literally. Okay, stop.
Will it ever end? Heroes (NBC, 8:00 PM) comes crawling back for a fourth season.
The beloved Barney Stinson and company return on the reliable How I Met Your Mother (CBS, 8:00 PM) for a 7th season.
House (FOX, 8:00 PM) will be heading up a psych ward this season. Crazy always makes for great TV.
It's common knowledge that if you're a woman without a baby by your mid-30s, you fail at life. Jenna Elfman carries a dimly-lit torch for baby-crazed older women everywhere and plays a film critic who gets pregnant by a much younger man (cougar alert!) in Accidentally on Purpose (CBS, 8:00 PM).
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
We're already rooting for Abby on The Biggest Loser (NBC, 8:00 PM). I'm hoping Jillian will go ahead and skip to the part where she has her team bench press her.
Great. Dancing with the Stars (ABC, 8:00 PM) is on two days in a row.
Chris O'Donnell finally emerges from whatever cave he's been hiding in since he donned a cape alongside Batman to star in a spinoff: NCIS: Los Angeles (CBS, 9:00 PM) premieres tonight. LL Cool J also stars and will lick his lips in between lines.
Julianna Margulies is finally poised for a post-ER comeback. Margulies kicks ass and takes names as the wife of a two-timing politician (Chris Noth) in The Good Wife (CBS, 10:00 PM).
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Mercy (NBC, 8:00) promises to be horrible. May JC have mercy on your soul if you watch this.
Modern Family (ABC, (9:00 PM) could be a success if people ever learn to love their family sitcoms without a laugh track. I'm talking to you, people who love Raymond.
Courtney Cox returns to TV in Cougar Town (ABC, 9:30 PM), which should redeem her for Dirt. Although the title is horrendous, Cox is back in good comedic form.
A special 200th episode of MTV's documentary series, The True Adventures of True Life (MTV, 10:00 PM) airs tonight. I could star in my own episode: "True Life: I'm addicted to watching True Life." No, seriously.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
In spite of it there not being a presidential election this year, SNL Weekend Update Thursday in Primetime (NBC, 8:00 PM) will air tonight.
FlashForward (ABC, 8:00 PM) is meant to be the next big thing in the "What the hell just happened?" genre. It even has Dominic Monaghan, freshly killed off from fellow mindbender Lost.
The preview for the season premiere of CSI (CBS, 9:00 PM) looks eerily similar to another Laurence Fishburne project. Men in black suits and sunglasses, bullets paused in mid-air... I can't really place it. Oh well -- I'm happy as long as they show dead bodies!
I don't subscribe to the Katherine Heigl hate club, but if you care about Lexie and "Sex Tape" McSteamy, Grey's Anatomy (ABC, 9:00 PM) is returning tonight.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Jennifer Love Hewitt and her bountiful bouncing bosom return for a 5th season of Ghost Whisperer (CBS, 8:00 PM). Who cares? Oh yeah, she has big boobs.
The latest Joss Whedon brainchild, Dollhouse (FOX, 9:00 PM), returns for its second season. We're hoping this one will stick around.
Medium (CBS, 9:00 PM) makes the move from NBC to CBS, giving the network a solid two hours of ghost shows. They have the goth teenage girl demographic cornered.
Even though I've only watched Numb3rs (CBS, 10:00 PM) once, I'm just glad knowing that David Krumholtz is getting steady work.