Tyra Banks announces the latest winner of America's Next Top Model tonight. Get ready to smize.
We're getting the feeling that watching waifs smile for the camera won't be quite as fun this time around.
And so a lackluster season already comes to a close.
It's a new season, and there are big twists promised. Of course, this is Tyra, and so they don't actually deliver. Instead of a round of eliminations where we meet like 50 girls we'll instantly forget, we see the girls at a party with 50 girls and then she tells the girls that are actually in the finals that they are going home. It's supposed to teach them about rejection or something along those lines.
Only two bitches are left standing and tonight one of them will earn the most fabulous prize in Top Model history, or at least that's Tyra has led me to believe. The winner (my money is on Ann) will get to be in Italian Vogue and the other will be swallowed up whole by Andre Leon Talley's cloak.
Extend your claws, everyone -- this is the story of 14 really tall girls picked to live in a house who find out what happens when the other girls aren't so polite, and are a lot more "real." It's the least real world possible, in which skinny bitches have to learn the walking, talking and smizing skills that will allow them to become successful in the sexy automaton workforce. It's the 15th cycle of America's Next Top Model!
Isn't this vicious cycle over yet? Not quite, since this episode will reduce the final three to a final two, and either Molly, Brittani or Hannah will be sent home. The remaining two will go to the finale, but first they must face a model's biggest challenge: talking to people! Gah! What if they mention baseball to a British person? Wars have started that way!
It's time for America's Next Top Swimsuit Model! Now that they're down to five contestants, Tyra is putting the girls in bikinis and bringing in Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue cover model Marisa Miller (O hai!) to give them sexpot lessons. Having seen the come-hither looks in some of her photos, I'm guessing Southern belle Laura doesn't need any lessons in that arena, which means Nicole, Erin, Jennifer and Sundai are gonna have to work it.
While we will admit to being slightly biased against some of the characters on this show this season (which Erin's mother totally called us out on), I have to say that the right two women went home last week. Jennifer occasionally had some very good shots, but she didn't always know what to do with herself, and ditto Erin, who also happened to not be particularly nice. Remember her shoving people in the Wal-Mart race?
It's time for yet another cycle of my favorite beautiful-people-getting-dressed-down-by-Tyra-Banks shitshow, America's Next Top Model (ANTM if you're nasty). Sadly there will be no transgender aspiring models this season, which is almost enough to make me lay down an embargo -- give me trannies or give me death! But not quite. This
season cycle, to make up for the lack of former dudes, there will be a burn victim, an epileptic (not dog), a chick who used to date Dale Earnhardt, Jr. and a weirdo who claims to be obsessed with hemophila. Which according to my must-watch algorithm, is the equivalent of maybe a quarter of Isis's long, lithe pinky toe.