November 14, 2009
Gina Gershon stars as a badass (because that's what Gina Gershon does) in Everything She Ever Wanted (Lifetime, 8 PM). According to the movie's website, for those living amongst Gershon's character Pat, "no one was safe when Pat Allanson didn't get her way." Sounds about right.
January Jones (a.k.a. Betty Draper) stops by Saturday Night Live (NBC, 11:30 PM), and the Black Eyed Peas, who continue to try too hard with both their music and fashion, will perform.
November 15, 2009
Oh, look! It's just what humanity needs! A second season of the reality competition Tough Love (VH1, 9 PM), in which women with low self-esteem and anger issues are coached into better romantic relationships. Because that's just what you need when you hate yourself -- a partner upon whom you can project your issues!
AMC's retelling of the 1960s version of The Prisoner (AMC, 8 PM) stars Jim Caviezel. Caviezel's character, known as Six, finds himself under constant surveillance among others identified only by numbers. I suppose it's kind of like the DMV.
November 16, 2009
For some crazy reason, the 16th season premiere of Inside the Actor's Studio (Bravo, 8 PM) has Bon Jovi as the guest. Whatever will they talk about? Surely an hour is too long to discuss the merits of Jon's role on Ally McBeal.
Let's have some fun, this beat is sick -- Lady Gaga comes to Gossip Girl (The CW, 9 PM). What will she wear? Jenny Humphrey, you better bring your fashion A game this week.
Chef Academy (Bravo, 11 PM) features endless disgusted looks and throwing food in trash cans. The "world's sexiest chef" (not sure who voted for that title), Jean Christophe Novelli, who has an awesome French accent, will school young'uns in the kitchen.
November 17, 2009
Even if you don't have kids, the NBC Special: Merry Madagascar (NBC, 8 PM) may be worth a look. Nothing says holiday cheer like animals voiced by celebrities.
Finally, this Heather Locklear mess is about to go down. Amanda returns to a lesser version of the show that made her infamous on Melrose Place (The CW, 9 PM).
November 18, 2009
It's down to Laura and Nicole on the season finale of America's Next Top Model (The CW, 8 PM). Will they survive a runway challenge that incorporates wind and rain? More importantly, which of the contestants will win the chance to fade into obscurity like the rest of the past winners?
I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind, that I put down in words...sorry, Elton John just gets to me. The kids of Glee (FOX, 9 PM) are paired off to sing their favorite ballads tonight.
Claire wants to surprise Phil with a performance by Izzy Lafontaine (Ed Norton, in a Ron Wood wig and fake British accent) on Modern Family (ABC, 9 PM). Elizabeth Banks also guest stars as someone with large boobies.
The 13th fall season finale of South Park (Comedy, 10 PM) airs tonight.
November 19, 2009
On this week's Parks and Recreation (NBC, 8:30 PM), Leslie invites herself to Ron's annual hunting trip. Hopefully she will not know how to use a rifle.
If you're a Fringe (FOX, 9 PM) fan, you'll probably be happy to know the show will be focusing on The Observer tonight, rather than a monster-of-the-week like they have been of late. There may be more than one Observer, and he may not be as evil as one thinks.
Meredith's father visits Seattle Grace on Grey's Anatomy (ABC, 9 PM). Not surprisingly, Mr. Grey disapproves of his daughter's life choices.
How is it still not over? The sixth season finale of Project Runway (Lifetime, 10 PM) is tonight. My prediction for the winner: Irina.
November 21, 2009
This movie wasn't good enough to be released in theaters, but Lifetime is taking some initiative and airing Personal Effects (Lifetime, 9 PM), an Ashton Kutcher and Michelle Pfeiffer sobfest about (what else?) a younger man falling in love with a much older woman.
Dear Joseph Gordon Levitt, I believe in you. Please be funny on Saturday Night Live (NBC, 11:30 PM) this week. Love, Heather. P.S. Dave Matthews, will you please play a 17-minute version of "#41"? Just consider it.
November 22, 2009
Yay, an awards show! The American Music Awards (ABC, 8 PM) will feature a Taylor Swift/Lady Gaga showdown. By the way, this is the award shaped like a narrow glass pyramid, for some odd reason.
Will everything work out for a Seinfeld reunion show? Watch the seventh season finale of Curb Your Enthusiasm (HBO, 9 PM) to find out.
On My Fair Wedding (WE, 10 PM), Christina had planned to have her wedding on a Mexican beach, but the swine flu outbreak caused her to move it to a beach in... New Jersey.
November 23, 2009
Interested in seeing Lewis Black rant about the holidays? History Special: Surviving the Holidays with Lewis Black (History, 8 PM) will have the comedian explore the meaning behind the madness behind Thanksgiving football, who St. Nicholas really was, and why we drink on New Year's Day.
Barney fears a slapping from any one of his friends on How I Met Your Mother (CBS, 8 PM). Also, Lily's estranged father (Chris Elliott) shows up for the Thanksgiving victuals.
The end of an era is here. The last episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8 (TLC, 9 PM) airs tonight. I still don't have the feeling that it's over, but for now, let's hope it is.
In the vein of feel-good reality shows, Find My Family (ABC, 9:30 PM) airs as a sneak preview tonight. On this show, people search for their long-lost family members (and cause viewers to break out the Kleenex).
Nerd-fantasy girl Katee Sackhoff will magically find her way into Howard's bathtub on The Big Bang Theory (CBS, 9:30 PM). Starbuck fans, take note.
November 24, 2009
Who among Donny Osmond, Mya, and Kelly Osbourne will reign supreme on the finale of Dancing with the Stars (ABC, 9 PM)? I think Donny needs to give it up.
That was fast. The winter season finale of V (ABC, 8 PM) airs tonight. New episodes will return in March.
For some odd reason, Chelsea Handler will guest star as herself on The Good Wife (CBS, 10 PM), because Peter's mistress appears on her show. Alicia then runs into said mistress in a parking garage. Ooh, bish, plz.
November 25, 2009
On a two-hour "Where are they now?" edition of The Biggest Loser (NBC, 8 PM), we catch up with the most popular contestants from the last seven seasons. But of course we're only interested in what they look like now.
Annoying Lindsay leaves her husband and moves in with Christine, her "divorcee role model," on The New Adventures of Old Christine (CBS, 8 PM).
In the 100th episode of Criminal Minds, C. Thomas Howell (who will forever be Ponyboy, in my mind) returns as "The Reaper," a crazed serial killer out to kill Hotchner's family (CBS, 9 PM).
November 26, 2009
My guiltiest pleasure, Beyoncé, has a nice little Thanksgiving special this year. Beyoncé: I Am Yours (ABC, 9 PM) will have behind-the-scenes footage in addition to singing and dancing.
Matt Lauer takes a cue from Baba Wawa with his own NBC Special: NBC's People of the Year (NBC, 9 PM).
Another music special could be an option for those who are not fans of Beyoncé. Great Performances: Sting: A Winter's Night (PBS, 9 PM) will have Sting singing in an English cathedral. Damn, he probably won't be able to play "Roxanne" in a church.
And yet another Thanksgiving concert special! Paul McCartney: Good Evening New York (ABC, 10 PM) is self-explanatory.
November 27, 2009
In a much more realistic look at family dysfunction, a fifth season of Shameless (Sundance, 8 PM) premieres tonight. There's cussing, fighting and no laugh track. It's just like everyone else's family, but with heavy northern British accents.
December 5, 2009
Kristin Chenoweth stars in the original movie 12 Men of Christmas (Lifetime, 9 PM), which is about a woman who gets dumped by her fiancé and moves from NYC to Kaispell, MT. And then she gets 12 local guys to pose for a sexy calendar to raise money for a good cause.
OMG. Blake Lively is hosting Saturday Night Live (NBC, 11:30 PM). Rihanna is going to be there too, but she's probably only going to perform songs from that awful new album, so we advise you to record and fast-forward for her bits.
December 6, 2009
Alice (SyFy, 9 PM) is a re-imagining of Alice in Wonderland, except in this one Alice has a black belt in karate and Kathy Bates is playing the Queen of Hearts.
Robin Williams: Weapons of Self-Destruction (HBO, 9 PM) is Williams' latest HBO Special, and the first since he's had heart surgery. Godspeed, Mork.
The fifth season finale of The Girls Next Door (E!, 10:30 PM) documents Kendra's baby shower. Not only does Kendra feature her bosom in a poorly-chosen dress, but Hef wears a little fedora.
December 7, 2009
If you enjoy country music and Christmas, Carrie Underwood: An All-Star Holiday Special (FOX, 8 PM) is for you. If you don't like either of those things, you're clearly un-American. Oh well!
Ray Romano, Scott Bakula, and Andre Braugher star in the premiere of Men of A Certain Age (TNT, 10 PM). A rejected title of this show: Men of A Certain Age Need Viagra. They're not that old, you guys.
The third season finale of Million Dollar Listing (Bravo, 10 PM) features a final showdown between Josh and Chad. Isn't it sad how Josh threatened Starla, Chad's dog? Well, not as sad as Chad's haircut.
December 8, 2009
The 8th season finale of The Biggest Loser (NBC, 8 PM) is tonight. Did you guys see that article in The New York Times last week? Someone who used to be on the show said that he was peeing blood because of unsafe dieting practice. The sacrifices we make to be thin.
The secret of Annie's involvement in a hit-and-run is revealed on 90210 (The CW, 8 PM). Naomi also says that she's been "tanning her tatas" in anticipation of spending Christmas in St. Bart's. Good luck with that.
Do you remember Better Off Ted (ABC, 9:30 PM)? Did you enjoy it? If you answered yes to both of those questions, your show is returning for a second season.
Wow, first Jersey Shore and now this? MTV continues to hit it out of the park with Teen Mom (MTV, 10 PM).
December 9, 2009
Last chance for Glee (FOX, 9 PM)!!! The fall season finale of everyone's favorite musical dramedy is tonight! "Sectionals" will be the last new episode before April.
Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck, and Kate Gosselin all made the list for Barbara Walters Presents: The 10 Most Fascinating People of 2009 (ABC, 10 PM). The trinity has finally been united. This is very much a portent of the apocalypse.
The season finale of the Real World/Road Rules Challenge (MTV, 10 PM) airs tonight, once again leaving several Real World and Road Rules stars unemployed. What can you pledge to help them?
Top Chef (Bravo, 10 PM) season finale! It's bacon-loving Kevin vs. the Voltaggio brothers! I predict the brothers will have their own show by next summer. I'm rooting for Kevin, though. How about you?
December 10, 2009
Anthony Michael Hall is guest-starring on Community (NBC, 8 PM) as a bully. I will make no further comment on any connections in current events.
Leslie Knope is caught in a sex scandal on Parks and Recreation (NBC, 8:30 PM). Ron Swanson covers Leslie's work for the day and soon finds out how hard Ms. Knope's job truly is. Louis C.K. also guest stars.
Who gonna check me boo? I'm hoping for more Sheree's confrontation with the inept party planner on The Real Housewives of Atlanta The Lost Footage (Bravo, 9 PM).
The fifth season finale of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (FX, 10 PM). I am very grateful to this season for teaching us The D.E.N.N.I.S system. It explains everything about well, everything.
Over so soon? The first season finale of The League (FX, 10:30 PM) airs tonight. If you haven't seen it, it's worth it.
December 11, 2009
Yes, Virginia (CBS, 8 PM) is an animated special about a young girl, Virginia, who writes to Santa Clause in 1897. Those are the tough days, when people actually got coal for Christmas. Good luck, Virginia.
Four Weddings (TLC, 10 PM) could possibly be the biggest carnage-filled event on television this month. Four brides attend each other's weddings and judge them. You, know, just for kicks.
November 7, 2009
Rob Lowe is suspected of killing his wife in the Lifetime original movie Too Late to Say Goodbye (Lifetime, 8 PM). Those brooding blue eyes will not get you out of this one, Lowe.
If you're interested in hearing sarcastic commentary about the week's news on Saturday nights, The Wanda Sykes Show (FOX, 11 PM) premieres tonight.
Taylor Swift hosts Saturday Night Live (NBC, 11:30 PM) this week. Will Kanye West show up, or will Kenan once again be misused? Will there be a Taylor Lautner appearance as well? We wait with baited breath...
November 8, 2009
Seth Macfarlane and Alex Borstein do it up Donnie and Marie style (They even kind of look like them, in a creepy way.) on Family Guy Presents: Seth & Alex's Almost Live Comedy Show (FOX, 8:30 PM).
If you care, this week's Keeping Up with the Kardashians (E!, 9 PM) features an hour-long special on the shotgun wedding of Khloe to Lamar Odom. If you do watch it, look for Bruce Jenner's wackadoo plastic face.
The season finale of Mad Men (AMC, 10 PM) is happening, without my permission. Until next year, Don Draper. You saucy minx.
November 9, 2009
Michael Gambon plays the eccentric caretaker of a large mansion in the HBO premiere of the BBC movie Joe's Palace (HBO Signature, 9 PM). The film centers on the dark secret on the origins of the money that paid for the mansion.
Uh-oh. Parents will become outraged when a threesome is depicted on this week's Gossip Girl (The CW, 9 PM). Kids will be kids. Meanwhile, Jenny looks to become Queen Bee of the entire Upper East Side by scoring a hot cotillion date.
Late on those car payments? A fourth season of Operation Repo (TruTV, 10 PM) will show you what happens when you lose the rights to your sweet Nissan Maxima. Hint: a hefty woman with painted on eyebrows might show up at your house with a tow truck.
November 10, 2009
This week's installment of V (ABC, 8 PM) has Erica and impossibly good-looking Father Jack realize that a seeker from the V's is following them. Who wouldn't follow Father Jack?
Do you want to have ten kids? Really? You'll probably want zero after watching Table for 12 (TLC, 8:30 PM), TLC's Jon & Kate Plus 8 heir apparent.
Maggie Smith plays an old woman revisiting memories of her youth in the same mansion chronicled in Joe's Palace in Capturing Mary (HBO Signature, 9 PM).
November 11, 2009
The final four models on America's Next Top Model (The CW, 8 PM) learn "hip-hop hula" moves. Amazing! Tyra has found a new way to offend another culture!
The 43rd Annual CMA Awards (ABC, 8 PM) air tonight. Is it wrong that I know all of the lyrics to Taylor Swift's "Love Story"? If it is, I don't want to be right.
On this week's Glee (FOX, 9 PM), a diva-off between Kurt and Rachel ensues. Also, Sue Sylvester reveals her softer side.
In yet another incarnation of the ghost investigation genre, Ghost Hunters Academy (SyFy, 10 PM) takes a bunch of wet-behind-the-ears kids and teaches them all about ghost stakeouts. One of the guys teaching them is named Dave Tango, which has to be one of the most awesome names ever.
November 12, 2009
Science of the Movies: Zombies! Science of the Undead (Science Channel, 8 PM) will show you how Hollywood creates those terrifying flesh-eating zombies onscreen.
A kidnapping becomes a hostage situation in New York on this week's Fringe (FOX, 9 PM) and some sort of "mysterious force" is detected.
Leslie and the rest of the Parks Department compete to think up a new design for a defaced mural on Parks and Recreation (NBC, 9 PM). Also, Andy has an awkward moment with Ron at the shoeshine stand.
Cheyenne Jackson guest stars on 30 Rock (NBC, 9:30 PM) as the new cast member of The Girlie Show. There will be plenty of Jenna and Tracy tantrums to go around.
November 13, 2009
In this week's episode of Ghost Whisperer (CBS, 8 PM), a real estate listing leads Melinda to a corpse. Central air? Check. 2.5 baths? Check. Gas fireplace? Check. Dead body waiting to be found? Price cut, please.
The scariest thing you'll see on Friday the 13th? A couple trying to plan a $15,000 wedding on TLC Special: Battle of the Wedding Planners (TLC, 10 PM).
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