Saturday, July 18, 2009
On the third season premiere of The Bill Engvall Show (TBS, 9 PM), Bill tells Lauren that the family can't afford to pay for her Spring Break trip. Ironic how this sitcom is more realistic than reality TV.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Oh, Lindsay Lohan -- some kind souls out there might actually watch Labor Pains (ABC Family, 8 PM), simply because they feel bad that you've been reduced to a made-for-TV movie about faking pregnancy.
If you're lacking in a) plans for Sunday night, or b) a soul, tune in for the series premiere of Most Popular (WE, 10 PM). On this new game show, 100 audience members judge seven female contestants. Then they vote off the one that they like least, solely based on their first impressions. This one sounds too sad to even be funny.
On tonight's pubescent episode of Merlin (NBC, 8 PM), Arthur develops a crush on a beautiful, mysterious girl... who wants to kill him in exchange for eternal life. Happens to the best of us, eh?
Monday, July 20, 2009
Torchwood (BBC America, 9 PM) is back for its third season, and Captain Jack, Gwen and Ianto are faced with the challenge of saving mankind whilst mourning the loss of two of their best friends. Talk about bad timing.
On the new reality series Dating in the Dark (ABC, 10 PM), love is blind as singles get to know each other in pitch-black darkness. But wouldn't it be so much funnier if they just got really drunk? Or put paper bags on their heads? Or got drunk and put paper bags on their heads?
The series premiere of The T.O. Show (VH1, 10 PM) sparks the journey for the recently cut wide receiver to reconcile the two aspects of his personality: controversial superstar T.O. and quiet, thoughtful Terrell Owens. And if that doesn't do it for you, he's guaranteed to be shirtless. A lot.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Gordon Ramsay is back, newly botoxed and ready to kick some ass on the 6th season premiere of Hell's Kitchen (Fox, 8 PM). For the first time, the signature dish challenge becomes a team competition and a battle of the sexes.
Calling all 12-year-old girls and their mommies! Tonight marks the premiere of Ruby & the Rockits (ABC Family, 8:30 PM), a new series about a still-going '80s pop star (David Cassidy) who brings his recently discovered daughter (Alexa Vega) to live with his brother and former bandmate (Patrick Cassidy). Adorable bonuses: David and Patrick keep their real names for their characters, and Shaun Cassidy is the executive producer.
If Ruby & the Rockits is so bad it leaves you wishing for the apocalypse, check out the series premiere of The Colony (Discovery, 10 PM), a controlled experiment that looks at what it would be like to have to rebuild society if the world were destroyed.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Do you have a strange fascination with the creature known as the pageant mom? What about 5-year-old girls that look like they're 30? You don't even have to answer these questions because really, who doesn't? The second season premiere of Toddlers & Tiaras (TLC, 10 PM) is tonight, and it looks disturbingly awesome.
Michael Ian Black and Michael Showalter are hilarious separately, which means they'll be even more hilarious together. Right? Check out tonight's episode of Michael & Michael Have Issues (Comedy Central, 10:30 PM) and find out.
On tonight's Top Chef Masters (Bravo, 10 PM), the contestants must create a dish using a box of mystery ingredients. Let's just hope the box isn't full of condiments. What a twist!
Thursday, July 23, 2009
On tonight's episode of So You Think You Can Dance (Fox, 9 PM), two of the top eight are voted off. But the real excitement lies with the much-anticipated Katie Holmes song and dance performance to Judy Garland's "Get Happy," choreographed by Tyce Diorio. Seriously, I think sequins are just about the only thing that can make this more fabulous.
Betsey Johnson is guest-judging the finale of The Fashion Show (Bravo, 10 PM), and that's pretty exciting -- especially since I never really understood who made Kelly Rowland a fashion authority.
Thank God 16 & Pregnant (MTV, 10 PM) is finally ending. Not that we need to be any more depressed, but I hope the "Life After Labor" finale special brings some personal anecdotes of misery so we can all stop glamorizing teen pregnancy.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Piers Morgan guest-judges on tonight's season finale of Chopping Block (NBC, 8 PM). He's no NPH, but we'll take it.
Jack uses his "unconventional methods" to uncover clues from the testimony of a murdered drug dealer's autistic daughter on Mental (Fox, 9 PM). Also, Arturo's soap opera actor father thinks his experience playing a doctor will help him solve a medical case. Cute.