HENRY JONES...JR.?
Is the fact that Indiana has gotten a teensy bit older (Cough 65 cough!) affecting the Jonesiness of the film? Not really. He still trades punching sound effects with highly trained soldiers, sneaks up on freerunning robber-assassins and leaps from truck to truck like a gray, wrinkly panther. In fact, his misjudged warehouse whip swing -- as seen in pretty much every trailer -- is the only time he misses a trick, which makes that clip seem like kind of a low blow. Spielberg should edit reality shows and tell us who to hate. Granted, he does get captured approximately seven times, but I put that down to the Russian work ethic.

THE RUSSIANS
Is the substitution of commies for fascists what has me banging my shoe on the desk? Nyet. Not only are they more or less indistinguishable from their German predecessors, Cate Blanchett's accent is so all over the goddamn place she could be Italian -- although right after Indy identifies it as Ukrainian, she starts talking like she's in A Streetcar Named Desire, so maybe she's just fucking with him. I would have liked to learn more about her, especially since they establish right away that she's a product of Stalin's ESP research division, and can apparently read minds (although she seems to have trouble with Indy's). I kept expecting it to be a plot point, but it's never referenced again, so maybe it's all bullshit...although maybe that's how they keep finding Indy and Shia LaBoeuf and tying them up?

SHIA THE BEEF
Is it the presence of current "It" Boy, Mr. Shia LaBoeuf, that makes the movie feel more like Michael Bay's Transformers than a new Indy film? Uh-uh. Replacing Indy's previous sidekicks, LaBoeuf's Mutt Williams channels equal parts of Sean Connery's amazement, Short Round's willingness to fight and the Nazi monkey's endless grooming habits. And while some may call this a spoiler [SPOILER ALERT, I GUESS] he is definitely his father's son, his father being Indy, which I think we all saw coming. However his inability to accurately describe his mother "Mary" to Indiana is one of the stupidest things in the world, and Indy seems to have no idea who the hell he's talking about, even though an hour later you find out that Marian was "the one who got away," the woman against whom he judged all of his future conquests, which apparently included several Marys, all of whom he thought of before her.

NATIONAL TREASURE 2
Is it the film's uncanny resemblance to National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets that makes me think of a completely different franchise? ...You know, it might. Sadly, the mediocre sequel to the lackluster Indiana Jones knockoff was about following clues to find a lost city of gold, which was also hidden underground, and also involved a flat rock that tips when you walk on it, as well as a betrayal from within the group at the worst possible time. Believe me, if the similarities were not so noticeable, I would never have admitted to seeing National Treasure, let alone National Treasure 2. (You'll notice that I'm not saying anything about the upcoming The Mummy 3: Curse of the Emperor's Tomb, which also features Brendan Frasier teaming up with his wife and 20-something son to raid an archaeological site.)

SPECIAL EFFECTS
Is it the CGI that makes me want to trade Indy's leather jacket for a black trenchcoat and sunglasses? Very maybe. The other Indiana Jones movies were full of miniature effects and photo effects, but while I knew they weren't life-sized, I knew they were real. In this movie you get swarms of CGI fire ants that cannibalize a living body in minutes -- it's pretty cool, but it doesn't look real. Then you have Shia LaBoeuf swinging on vines through the jungle like Tarzan, followed by a swarm of monkeys with the same haircut as him -- not only does that not look real, it looks effing ridiculous. Even more ridiculous -- Indiana casually climbing out of a lead-lined refrigerator after it flies out of a nuclear mushroom cloud. Here's a tip, Senor Spielbergo -- if you can't film it practically, don't film it. If Jaws had been CGI, you'd still be making commercials for a living.

1950s CULTURE
Is the tone of the film being affected by all of the 1950s references? Quite possibly. Aside from the preponderance of Nazis, the presence of a Cole Porter song and the popularity of blimp travel, there isn't too much that was specific to 1930s culture in the original films. Crystal Skull, meanwhile, kicks off with a rock'n'roll-blaring hot rod drag-racing down a country road, then follows up with a visit to Area 51, a jocks-vs.-greasers brawl and an atomic test in the middle of the desert. All of these things feel intrusive, somehow -- like pop culture is oozing into Indiana Jones' life. Seeing Indiana running through a fake 1950s town right before it gets vaporized, looking horrified and confused, sums it up pretty well.

ALIENS
Is all of the alien crap what's bothering me, and causing me to see this as the first film in an all-new trilogy, centered on science instead of mysticism? Absolutely. Even if you haven't seen the movie by now, you've probably seen the pointy-headed crystal skull, and in this movie we all learn exactly where that skull came from: outer space. (Or another dimension, but same thing, right?) Unfortunately, every Indiana Jones movie so far has been about the power of religious artifacts. Not only are the skull's powers nebulous (it stops ants? It makes you go crazy if you look at it? It's a magnet?), thereby making it a terrible MacGuffin, it calls into question the God-given power of every artifact Indy's ever seen in action. Were the Shankara stones space rocks? Was the Ark radioactive? Was the Holy Grail a life-extending alien beverage container? Everything we know has been cast into doubt -- now imagine how Indy feels, after spending a lifetime chasing this stuff.

Between the aliens, the computer effects and the political and social climate of 1950s America that Indiana now finds himself in, I have to conclude that this was not an Indiana Jones movie, but some sort of new, bizarre hybrid, with Shia LaBeouf's hair. If you go in expecting a true Indiana Jones movie, continuing the tone and the themes of earlier episodes in the series, you will not only be sorely disappointed, but your head may explode like Rene Belloq's at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark. Enjoy!