Forgetting Sarah Marshall
What you think you're getting yourself into: Who doesn't love a good rom-com, am I right?
Why you're so, so wrong: There are so many penises in this movie it felt like Caligula all over again.

Eastern Promises
What you think you're getting yourself into: Hey, it's that guy from Lord of the Rings holding a gun.
Why you're so, so wrong: The good news is, that is the guy from Lord of the Rings. The bad news is, his boss forces him to have sex with a hooker in front of him. He also gets sucked into a naked bathhouse knife fight with some hairy Chechnyans. And you thought the people in your locker room had no shame.

Crank
What you think you're getting yourself into: Car chases, kung fu, shiny guns, etc.
Why you're so, so wrong: Those things are in it, and they're awesome. However, there's also a hilarious-when-you're-watching-it-with-your-friends-and-horrifically-graphic-when-you're-watching-it-with-your- parents public sex scene. Also, Jason Statham runs around with what I like to call a "comedy erection" for a good portion of the film.

Wedding Crashers
What you think you're getting yourself into: A fun romp through life and love!
Why you're so, so wrong: This thing's screenplay reads like it was written by the kind of guys you'd buy Roofies from. There's a montage of bed-hopping topless girls, a tableside handjob, and this weird scene in which the film's only gay character tries to sexually assault Vince Vaughn, setting up myriad gay predator jokes that get mercilessly rolled out for about an hour.

Breach
What you think you're getting yourself into: A Commie-killin' spy caper!
Why you're so, so wrong: While it is indeed a Commie-killin' spy caper, it's one about a middle aged sexual deviant (played by Chris Cooper) who spends more time fighting his vices (and losing, big time) than hunting Reds.

Jerry Maguire
What you think you're getting yourself into: An uplifting tale about reclaiming one's ethics!
Why you're so, so wrong: I suppose there's a way to look at this movie as uplifting, but it's hard to get past the whole Kelly Preston screaming, "Never! Stop! Fucking! Me!" at Tom Cruise, of all people.

The Ninth Gate
What you think you're getting yourself into: A nightmare-inducing thriller!
Why you're so, so wrong: It's a nightmare-inducing thriller in which Lena Olin hate-fucks Johnny Depp. I'll never get over it.

For more movies coming out this summer that might be awkward to see with your parents, check out our Indie Movie Guide!