If a Hollywood hotshot like Abrams is getting his future hit movies from the Times, maybe other wannabe film moguls should be snapping up the stories -- after all, Abrams locked the rights to this one up less than a week after it saw print. Here are a few items from today's paper that might make a good investment:

HEALTH: "Helpful Bacteria May Hide in Appendix" This could totally be a summer event movie, focusing on the revelation of the true purpose of the appendix, possibly as a control center for a race of sentient microbes who appear benevolent, but are actually using us to destroy the ozone layer. When a giant appendix appears in the sky, the human race has only eight hours to come together and set the world record for appendectomies. Featuring Jake Gyllenhaal as the heroic young appendectomist.

DINING AND WINE: "Biscuit Bakers' Treasured Mill Moves North" The director looking for a tear-jerker could do worse than this tale of a local flour mill with rich traditions being bought up by the evil J.M. Smucker corporation. Local housewives organize a massive bake-off, and deliver the goodies to old man Smucker to make him change his mind. Starring Christopher Walken as someone, I'm sure.

TECHNOLOGY: "On Past a Petaflop" In this romantic comedy, a team of scrappy hackers in a government lab build the world's fastest supercomputer using parts from a PlayStation 3. Calling him Roadrunner, the geeks sneak him out for a night in the city, hoping to teach him how to have fun. But what they didn't factor into their computations was that Roadrunner, who can perform over 1.026 quadrillion calculations per second, would end up teaching them. With Jon Lovitz as the voice of Roadrunner.