Rose Red: McGowan to Play Sonja

If you're a fan of Conan the Barbarian, you're likely a fan of Red Sonja, his female counterpart, also created by Robert E. Howard. However, you're likely not a fan of her 1985 movie starring Brigitte Nielsen. Despite featuring Ah-nuld as a less-exciting warrior named Kalidor, it was campy as hell, with a kid sidekick and some fat comic relief, and the final nail in the coffin was that it deprived Sonja of her trademark steel bikini and gave her a ridiculously bad hairdo. Well, Rose McGowan has apparently been cast as the new Sonja, and if anyone was ever born to wear a steel bikini, it was her. (Sorry, Jennifer Lopez.)

According to USA Today (God, even just typing that makes me nauseous), McGowan was sent the script, and she liked it so much that she showed it to her boyfriend/meal ticket Robert Rodriguez (director of Planet Terror, among others), and long story short...he's not directing it. (He'll produce.) But guess who will be directing it! Darren Aronofsky!...Hold on, what?...I'm sorry, I've just been told that it's not Darren Aronofsky, it's actually Douglas Aarniokoski, Rodriquez's frequent assistant director and director of Highlander Endgame. ...Oh, crap.

Okay, so it's a bit of a setback not getting Aronofsky, but even if this thing is a train wreck, it could still be salvaged by endless posters, bus advertisements and action figures showing Rose McGowan in a steel bikini with bright red hair. She went red for Charmed, so that should be no problem, and she's worn next to nothing in Grindhouse, so I imagine the bikini is a done deal. But can she pull off the dialogue and the sword-fighting? Who cares! Steel bikini, people.

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