Don't laugh; when animals talk, it usually translates into big bucks (like Eddie Murphy's Dr. Dolittle) and/or Oscar nominations (Babe, Rex Harrison's Dr. Dolittle). Animals who sound like Gilbert Gottfried make me long for the days when they spoke in their natural voices, like Lassie. When Lassie communicated, she conveyed important information without losing her natural accent. Of course, she never told you anything useful. As my aunt famously said "To hell with Timmy! Bitch, tell me the Lotto numbers!"

Speaking of dogs, Dreamworks dumps the upcoming Hotel For Dogs in the wasteland of January 2009. Based on a novel, it tells the heartwarming and poop-filled story of a group of kids who turn an old house into a haven for stray dogs. In other words, they turn into the canine equivalent of your friendly neighborhood crazy cat lady. While watching the cringe-worthy trailer, I was shocked to find an inappropriate and famous name in the cast. No, not Michael Vick! Don Cheadle has a supporting role, proving that no good deed goes unpunished. Either that, or they paid him a helluva lot of kibble. I just wish Don LaFontaine had intoned over the coming attraction: "From the star of Hotel Rwanda comes a different kind of hotel!" I bet the bathroom in this hotel is one big, giant fire hydrant, and every water fountain is shaped like the toilet.