If I were a movie star, the one thing I'd get is a personal driver. This is why I don't understand why celebrities continue to drive themselves around town -- and over embankments and under other cars. In the past week, Shia LeBeouf crashed while doing his Tara Reid imitation, crushing his hand in the process, and Easy Reader flipped his vehicle in Mississippi. Don't these folks have enough money to hire professional stunt drivers -- I mean, chauffeurs? Let's check in on our recuperating celebs. I'm glad they're both going to be all right -- so I can make fun of them!

Eli Roth is shaping up to be a triple threat -- literally. Not only does the horror auteur maim and murder in the scripts he writes (Cabin Fever, Hostel, Hostel 2) and the movies he directs (uh, same three), now it looks like he's going to play a maimer and a murderer on screen himself. Fellow triple threat Quentin Tarantino, a longtime supporter of Roth and his often-imitated brand of torture porn, has cast him in his upcoming war movie, Inglorious Bastards. Roth would play a Bastard. ...You know, I think that'll get old by the time they cast the entire squad, but for now, it's damn fun to say. Eli Roth, the Bastard. Yes, I'm eight.

Welcome to today's episode of "When Keepin' It Fake Goes Bad!" News item: Using the patented New Yorker magazine "It's satire, folks!" excuse wasn't enough to keep Dreamworks from getting into hot water over its movie-within-a-movie website for Simple Jack. Simple Jack is a feature within Ben Stiller's upcoming war-and-blackface satire, Tropic Thunder, wherein Stiller's character, Tugg Speedman, attempts to win an Oscar by playing a mentally challenged man. The marketing folks at Dreamworks thought it would be a great idea to publicize the film-within-a-film by making a fake website for it. After all, it worked for their other film-within-a-film, Satan's Alley, as well as for Kirk Lazarus, the actor played by Robert Downey Jr. in Thunder. With Simple Jack, however, Dreamworks' marketing team got their pictures hung up on the jackass wall. Apparently nobody at the studio thought anyone would be offended by Simple Jack's tagline: "Once upon a time, there was a retard." They wuz WRONG! Folks got upset, and the website for Simple Jack got Simply Canned.

Casting has just gotten groovier on Taking Woodstock, Ang Lee's latest film. Variety notes that Imelda Staunton and Liev Schreiber have rounded out a cast that includes Into the Wild's Emile Hirsch, SCTV vet Eugene Levy and The Daily Show's Demetri Martin. Focus will start production this month on the tale of a mysterious stranger who invades the Peanuts world created by Charles Schulz. While Snoopy is sleeping, someone snatches Woodstock from his nest, and it's up to Snoopy and Vera Drake to solve the mystery. Staunton and the rest of the humans spent six hours a day learning how to go "womp-womp-womp-womp-womp" like the adults on Charlie Brown cartoons are known to do. Subtitles will not be presented, as Lee feels this will ruin the artistic feel of the film. And I'm just pulling your leg!

As a computer programmer with 21 years of experience, I am not unfamiliar with Microsoft products, nor am I unfamiliar with Microsoft tactics. So you'll have to forgive the cynicism as I report that Halo: The Movie may finally see the light of day. It appears that Stuart Beattie, the scribe responsible for G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra, has written a spec script for Halo: Fall of Reach. LatinoReview.com offers numerous details on the plot, including the adapted screenplay's origins as a novel of the same name. The Team Xbox website (or as the MPAA would call it, Team NC-17Box) even has images of concept art made by conceptual artist Kasra Farahani. Sounds like it's a go, right? Not so fast, heavily panting gamers! One spec script and a few images by folks with free time does not a movie make.

Effing haaaaa!!!!!!!!!!! Finally, someone's seen fit to end the reign of terror that Elizabeth Gilbert's psycho-babble best-seller Eat, Pray, Love has wrought. Think, if you will, of the distinctly female quest for peace and sanity after a heart-rending breakup Gilbert explores in her tome, and then imagine its opposite: a cuckolded dude licking his wounds by going on an international sex and booze bender, only to come out the other side changed in no way whatsoever (ok that last part was just my own assumption based on previous dealings with dudes). That pretty much sums up the parody Drink, Play, F@#K, a comedy based on the forthcoming satire of the same name by writer Andrew Gottlieb (whose credits include work on the soon-to-air IFC series Z Rock). I sooooo see McConaughey or, like Seann William Scott in the starring role, don't you?

Incidentally, the big-screen version of EPL is being developed and rumor has it Julia Roberts is attached. In spite of my pesky X chromosomes, that's one movie you couldn't pay my ass to see. Well, alright you could pay me. But it'd have to be a lot. Like at least fifty bucks and a sixer of Zima. I know, I drive a hard bargain.

Having never spent more than $50 on a pair of shoes in my life, I was faced with a crisis of unprecedented proportions when Adidas unveiled a pair of sneakers inspired by Hellboy 2: The Golden Army a couple of months back. Hmm. Pay a few hundred bucks for sneakers I wouldn't want to let touch the floor, or save for my unborn child's education? (Did I mention I really like Hellboy?) I ultimately decided against giving Adidas my money, but now Puma wants my future offspring to grow up dumb, as well.

Martial arts movie legend Jackie Chan is set to star in The Spy Next Door, according to The Hollywood Reporter. He'll play a man "who is called to baby-sit his neighbor's children and winds up having to fight off secret agents after one of the kids inadvertently downloads a secret code." And you thought MySpace and porny chat rooms were all you had to worry about when your kids turned on the computer. Well, good thing the family just happens to live next door to a high-flying, high-kicking master of ass-whoopings. When I was a kid, if my parents had called the neighbor in to babysit me and my brother, a killer tamale recipe would have been her only weapon.