"It's been so long since the series ended," you might say in your defense. Six years isn't that long. The Sex and the City movie came out four years after that series ended, and it made more money than you can shake a Manolo Blahnik at.

You made just 10 million bucks and some change on your opening weekend. Some genius apparently decided you should open during The Dark Knight's second week, but I think it wasn't just timing that hampered your return. You sent your stars out on the talk show circuit with vague, unenticing clips. David Duchovny showed up at Letterman's desk with a clip of Amanda Peet sniffing a frozen bikini. Of all the things The X-Files has (or had) going for it, bikini-sniffing isn't one of them.

The ads were plagued with vagueness, as well. We were told from the start that this wouldn't be an alien story, but the snowy search scenes in the ads seemed reminiscent of the snowy alien opening of your first movie.

I have to admit that although I drove by the movie theater a few times, I didn't go in to see you, even though I was a rabid fan back in the day. Frozen bikinis and Billy Connolly shouting "It's here! It's here!" randomly in the snow just didn't inspire me. You know what would have drawn me in? How about a follow-up to the Fluke Man story? Fluke Man 2: Electric Flukaloo? What's going on with old Flukie these days?

Don't worry -- it's not entirely over between us. There's still a one-night stand in our future, when you come out on DVD.

--T