But a woman's behind is always employed as a masturbatory aid, and therefore must be punished by the Puritans at the MPAA. Find me a purely comic display of a woman's bare badunkadunk. I dare you. Now, the MPAA is applying the same logic to allowing the subject of Redd Foxx's most famous one-liner its moment in the onscreen sun. Show it in a comedic fashion, and you get an R -- an ironic concept, since no man wants to hear laughter when he's displaying it. That's right, folks, I'm talking about penises. Leave now if this is a hard topic for you to consider.

Think my theory's a buncha bollocks? I've got back-up on this one. (Warning! Work-unfriendly link dead ahead! And why are you reading this at work?) The Guardian has an entire essay devoted to Judd Apatow's promise to put a penis in every picture he produces, and why the MPAA is perfectly willing to tolerate it -- namely, that Apatow's displayed ding-a-lings are designed to tickle the funny bone, to get a laugh caught in your throat. (Wait'll he does a 3-D movie, folks...) They're never employed in a sexual context, and I'd bet my last money that this is because most directors (and MPAA members) are male, and therefore terrified of encountering the sausages that dwarf their Snausages. As a result, phallic power suffers major pool shrinkage.

Even when displayed in an, um, more dramatic fashion, the MPAA only lets whooziwatzits go by if they're obviously fake. That Claymation entity Marky Mark dropped on us in Boogie Nights looked about as real as Faye Dunaway's facelifts. I'm sure Sean Penn and James Franco won't have problems with their prosthetic pillipeckers, because they won't look real either. It's a sad day for the male member when its macho chance to shine is constantly replaced by a role as a stand-up comedian... who doesn't get to stand up.

So guys, demand that people stop laughing at penises! And Redd Foxx's one liner went: "I was so poor, that if I hadn't been born a boy, I would have nothing to play with." You didn't think I'd leave you hanging, did you?