So Kevin Smith's newest movie, Zack and Miri Make a Porno, is about two friends who make a porno to earn some cash. Seems simple enough, and since we've got nothing but time on our hands and dirty thoughts running through our minds, we got to wondering what it would be like if all Kevin Smith's films were porn films instead of the slightly perverse films that they are. In some cases, it really wasn't that hard. (Haha... we said hard.)

In a recent interview, Kevin Smith said that he thought sex was silly, which is why he keeps making movies about it. But is that the truth? His characters are funny, and they talk a lot about sex, but the actual sex is usually pretty scary or horrifying or emotionally scarring or just plain wrong. Is there no such thing as normal sex between two happy, consenting, breathing people in his films? We decided to take a look at his oeuvre and see if the pattern is as obvious as we think it is.

More often than not, the news of an '80s movie remake would have me crying out "Why? Just... why?!" in a plaintive wail. But yesterday came news of a remake of The Last Dragon that has me clapping my hands like a kid who's just gotten a plastic pumpkin full of sweet, sweet treats. This is entirely because Samuel L. Jackson has been cast as the egocentric, larger-than-life, so-bad-he's-good villain known as Sho'Nuff. Originally played by the late Julius Carry, the self-professed "Shogun of Harlem" will once again face off against plucky young martial arts hero Leroy Green, but the plot will be updated for modern sensibilities. Which, sadly, probably means a dearth of those distinctly '80s tunes and no Vanity co-starring as the girlfriend.

In a move that was probably made because his own TV's parental control V-chip didn't work, the new head of HBO recently put the kibosh on its plan to bring '90s comic book series Preacher to late-night. And while HBO may not be ready for such dazzling visuals as an inbred Jesus descendant peeing on people or angel-demon sex-having, Columbia Pictures totally is. Before it was circled and then bailed on by HBO, Preacher was an in-development film project, with Kevin Smith's View Askew producing and James Marsden attached to play the title character. This go-around, if it finally gets off the ground, the film will be directed by Sam Mendes (Road to Perdition, Jarhead), who is currently on the hunt for a lead.

This one's for the ladies! Essential Pictures is in the process of developing a potential franchise out of author Diana Gabaldon's Outlander series. The books, which Variety describes as "fantasy," tell the story of an 18th century Scottish Highlander and his modern-day time-traveling wife. [Not to be confused with the 2008 movie Outlander, about a space cop who lands on a planet of vikings. - Zach] And while the premise of the books is certainly fantasy-based, you generally find these books in the Romance section. And, okay, I know this because I've read them all. Don't judge me. They're an addicting, well-written series that sees historical events with a modern eye, and blends some pretty intricate stories all with an engaging romance unfolding in the background. If the film or films are anywhere near as captivating, y'all better watch out. I once had a dental hygienist obsessed with me simply because she thought I looked like one of the characters.

You know how, when a filmmaker's first film does reasonably well at the box office, their next project is generally a little bit better, a little bit bigger, and they slowly inch their way up the Hollywood ladder until they've got the pull and the relationships to really make something epic? Well, that's generally how it goes, but sometimes there are guys out there that just say "fuck it" and shoot for the moon. Sometimes they nail it (Peter Jackson), most times they don't (randomly pick just about any name over at IMDb), and sometimes they're Wanted writer Mark Millar, and you just want to sit back with a bag of popcorn and watch the whole thing unfold. Millar had a decent summer movie that made a reasonable amount of money ($134,000,000 at the B.O.), and now he wants to take the Superman franchise and make it his "magnum opus."

In what is not the strangest red carpet interview Joaquin Phoenix has ever given (some of you may remember when he was convinced during an interview that a large frog was trying to eat his brain at the Walk the Line premiere a couple of years ago), he has nevertheless gone above and beyond the call of weird when he told a reporter for E! and later confirmed with Extra that he is retiring from acting, and that the upcoming film Two Lovers would be his last. In a move that's usually reserved for actors who actually can't get any more work, he told the reporter that he was quitting to focus on his music.

From the perspective of someone who works in an industry where most of the professionals couldn't tell you where their next job is coming from, most people in Hollywood are probably sitting around the dinner table tonight discussing how Robert Downey Jr. is like, totally set for life. The Iron Man actor has signed on to play Tony Stark in three more films. With Iron Man being, well, let's face it, the second-biggest movie of the summer, Marvel Studios nevertheless has about five hundred and seventy eight million ($!) reasons to get him back for a sequel. And while reports aren't out yet as to just how much of that juicy box-office gross they used to lure RDJ back, they got him, and not just for one sequel, but two. Oh, and also what could technically be called a spinoff.

Think your local theater shows too many previews and commercials? Theaters in England will make you think differently. At the Odeon Theater, I discovered where Regal Cinemas got their idea for that ridiculous package of pre-movie commercials they used to call "The Twenty." The Odeon's package was more like "The Forty," and no, it didn't come with an endorsement from Ice Cube. The only thing scarier than the theater's 8 million showings of High School Musical 3 was the amount of time between when the lights went down and the actual movie came on. The theater was nice and comfortable, but I felt like I was watching Reverse TiVo.

Since Brits (and suave American Double-O-Odie) get their fill of Bond this Friday, two weeks before America, The Guardian is running a special section on all things Bond. There are articles on stunts, villains and a very weird, almost homoerotic video featuring my doppelganger Cuba Gooding's Boat Trip co-star, Roger Moore. In honor of tonight's world premiere of Q of S in London, here are some of the highlights.