The original starred Mickey Rourke as Harry Angel, a man hired by Louis Cyphre (Robert De Niro in full Scorsese beard) to find a guy named Johnny Favorite. In a film full of funny names (Lou Cyphre, get it?), Denise Huxtable played Epiphany Proudfoot. Her name sounded like that game where you take the name of your first pet and put it with the name of the street you grew up on to make your "porn star name." (Mine is T-Bone Warner, which is just perfect.) Proudfoot engages in a plot twist with Rourke that got ripped off for the Korean movie Oldboy, scandalizing Bonet forever and earning the film an X rating. The filmmakers cut some of the sex for an R, but every scene of graphic violence remained. With the MPAA passing Hostel II with an R, I don't see the remake encountering any re-editing problems.

As for casting, I've no idea who can play the male characters, but we need a kiddie show star to ruin her career by playing Bonet's part. I have the perfect casting: Hannah Montana herself, Miley Cyrus. If folks bitched about her showing her back to Vanity Fair, just wait 'til she shows her front to moviegoers! Considering the plot of the film and its eventual proximity to the plot of Hannah Montana (you'd know what I speak of if you've seen the movie), perhaps Cyrus can also play Johnny Favorite. Disney will have her shot.

Was Lou Cyphre Hellboy's father? Read our argument in Hellboy : Who's Your Daddy?