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So Kevin Smith's newest movie, Zack and Miri Make a Porno, is about two friends who make a porno to earn some cash. Seems simple enough, and since we've got nothing but time on our hands and dirty thoughts running through our minds, we got to wondering what it would be like if all Kevin Smith's films were porn films instead of the slightly perverse films that they are. In some cases, it really wasn't that hard. (Haha... we said hard.)
Porn Store Clerks
Dante quits his job at the QuickStop in order to go work at the RST video store with Randal. Dante's girlfriend Veronica likes to visit and they have sex in the adult section of the store, Randal often joins in on the fun, when he's not busy watching other porn films (it's very meta that way). Then after word gets out that a customer had sex with a dead guy in the bathroom, they try to drum up good publicity for the shop. Veronica agrees to give 37 blowjobs (in a row) to the first customers through the door.
Ballrats
Underaged but scantily clad Tricia woos older men into the local mall, and the back of her Volkswagon and encourages them to have sex with her in all sorts of wild positions and uncomfortable places while she video tapes all of the action to sell at RST video so she can put herself through college. Meanwhile, Brodie encounters a stripper with three nipples and is so turned on that he visits Rene at the mall and the two have lots of sex in elevators. And T.S. and his twin brother compete in an R-rated version of the dating game in order to win Brandi for a night. But she can't pick between them, so she takes them both to Florida and they have a three-way on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.
Chasing Amy's Tail
In an effort to appeal to nerds, two dorky comic book artists fall in lust with a hot blonde girl who also likes comic books. She's turned on by the anime chicks with huge cleavage too. So they all attend Comic Con together, Amy wears her Slave Leia costume and has Holden and Banky shackled to her, and they meet up with a girl dressed as Wonder Woman. Amy and the anonymous Wonder Woman have hot lesbian sex for hours while Holden and Banky get to watch and hold her lasso of truth.
Dogma-Style
A controversial porn film about two fallen angels who have no genitals and are cursed to wander the earth looking for the one pure woman who can save them and restore their manly bits. It ends in a big group orgy on the steps of the church after God has sung a rousing chorus of "You Outta Know" and forgiven everyone for their sins.
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Backside
Two gay life-partners who engage in some S&M (the master doesn't allow his submissive to speak) and watch a lot of internet porn. Jay and Silent Bob have a friend in the film industry, so they go on a sex-filled cross-country road trip, and when they get to Hollywood find out that their friend works in the porn industry. They make a killing acting out scenes from their alternative lifestyle.
Jersey Girls Gone WIld
Ollie and Maya head out of town for a romantic weekend in the Poconos that involves a champagne glass tub, a round bed and Maya wearing elf ears. While her dad and stepmom are away, a teenage Gertie decides to get her revenge on her father for saddling her with such a ridiculous name and heads down to the Jersey Shore with her girlfriends. While there, they meet up with Joe Francis (and his handheld camera), who lures them into his den of iniquity by promising them beads and a chance to meet his little Jersey devil.
Porn Store Clerks 2
When RST video closes because everyone can get free or cheap porn in the comfort of their own home via the internet, Dante and Randal are forced to work at a local burger joint that delivers. They decide to supplement their income by providing local bored housewives with their hot dog special, complete with toasted (and toned) buns. They also set up racy donkey shows in the back office, to bring in some more moolah after hours. This works for a while, until they get caught and are sent to jail, where they become bitches and are forced to submit to the whims of famous gay porn stars Jay and Silent Bob, who were arrested on marijuana charges.
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