The Exorcist - When I went to Saint Peter's College, I got in oodles of trouble for saying this movie "took the devil out of Linda Blair and put it back where it belongs: in the Jesuits." This wouldn't have happened if Ellen Burstyn had called Odie's Mom. I can see Mom sending Regan MacNeil to break a switch off some Georgetown area switch bush before lighting her up like the Macy's Fireworks Display. Friedkin would have had to shoot a scene where the Devil, holding his fiery booty, is chased out the window by a pissed-off woman wielding foliage.

The Children - Some kids on a schoolbus go through a radioactive cloud and turn into killers whose hands are McDonalds Hot: One touch and you fry up like bacon. Features a scene where a woman's daughter asks for a hug before turning Mommy extra crispy. I can see my Mom chasing these kids down and putting mercurochrome on them, something she did to me whenever I got an injury. That stuff burns so badly I'd rather take my chances with the kids. (Aside: It's now BANNED in this country!)

The Bad Seed and that kid from The Twilight Zone episode, "It's a Good Life" - Patty McCormack and Bill Mumy played these characters, respectively. If they didn't get their way, they killed you. Mumy turns one hapless character into a jack-in-the-box, and McCormack's pig-tailed monster electrocutes another little girl. Even as a jack-in-the-box, my Mom would have caused Rod Serling to intervene (I can see her popping out of the box with a belt). As for McCormack, her co-star and on-screen mom, Nancy Kelly, doesn't need any help: She puts McCormack over her knee and whips her ass during the closing credits.

Since she's a fan of vampires (unlike her eldest son), Mom would probably give the Swedish Vampire Girl a pass. I should have pretended I was Blacula. My ass would have thanked me.