Let us start with the very people Phoenix seems to be ridiculing: Actors Who Wanted To Sing. (Eddie Murphy and Patrick Swayze both managed to have hit(ish) songs and quickly made their way back to acting, never to take up a microphone again, so I'll leave them out of this.)

Scarlet Johansson: ScarJo has said, "I'm not a songwriter. I'm a vocalist." No, honey, you're an actor -- and a pretty decent one at that -- and that doesn't excuse your crappy album. Knock it off.

Kevin Costner: Kevin's band ("Kevin Costner and Modern West") had an album that peaked at #75 on the Billboard Country charts. He then released two singles that failed to chart at all. When not even wolves are dancing to your music, it's time to get back to acting.

Bruce Willis: Bruce, I'll admit, has too many successful franchises under his belt to ever really kill his career, but the man has released an album called "Classic Bruce Willis: The Universal Masters Collection." You can't release a "classic" "masters collection" when not one single person I have ever met can name one of your songs.

Lindsay Lohan: She was an adorable Disney star with the talent and potential to go far. I think we can all admit the singing career was probably the least of the decisions the poor girl has made that we wish were hoaxes.

And then there are the actors who took on roles that we'd like to forget:

Lawrence Olivier: Spartacus, A Bridge Too Far, Clash of the Titans. One of these things is not like the other.

Charlton Heston: For a man who did Ben Hur, I'm afraid I can't forgive him Soylent Green.

And then there are the actors who took on roles that I'm sure they'd like to forget:

Mike Myers: I feel as though I don't need to go anywhere much past The Love Guru.

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez: Will probably never live down Gigli.

And let's not forget the career-killers. Actors with the talent (some of whom with Oscars!) to have gone places. They now generally take up only one place on the shelf at Blockbuster, sandwiched between Better Decisions. Actors like: Brendan Fraser, Wesley Snipes and perhaps the most egregious and heart-wrenching of these, Cuba Gooding Jr. I don't want to, but I must point out that Snow Dogs and Boat Trip were back-to-back.

May these decisions all serve as a cautionary tale to the Hollywood elite. If you try something and fall on your ass (or off the stage as in Joaquin's case), stand up, brush yourself off, and tell your publicist it was all a hoax!

[Update: Make sure your publicist knows. Joaquin's appears not to.]

Any other actors you wish were just pulling our legs?