9 Reasons You Shouldn't See Underworld: Rise of the Lycans Obviously, no one's dying to see Underworld: Rise of Lycans. I'm not saying that anyone is. I'm just saying that if maybe you've seen everything that's out already and come next Friday night you're thinking, "Hey, I don't mind spending 12 bucks to see some vampires and werewolves fight," the way I see it there are a lot of reasons to be dissuaded. Nine, to be exact.

1) The Danny McBride who wrote it isn't the Foot Fist Way guy; he's the stunt coordinator for something called The Feminine Touch guy who made the Foot Fist Way guy put an "R." in the middle of his name on IMDB.
2) Len Wiseman wants nothing to do with it, and neither did any other self-respecting director/regular director/film student/Youtube account holder, apparently, because the special effects guy from Battlefield Earth ended up having to direct it.
3) The way the guy in the trailer says "We can be SLAVES!!! Or we can be - LYCANS!!!!!!!!!" sounds exactly like "This. Is. SPARTA!!!" only more ridiculous.
4) If I wanted vampires-and-werewolves-as-thinly-veiled-social-commentary-on-bigotry-and-forbidden-love I'd watch True Blood because at least that thing has nudity and a lighting scheme with more colors than "blue" and "dark blue". Also, don't try to teach me not to be racist with your slave characters being portrayed by monstrous dogs, because that's pretty racist, actually.
5) Nobody likes prequels. Just ask George Lucas.
6) Bill Nighy can't fly in real life, and this is just a sad, 90-minute reminder of that painful fact.
7) Rhona Mitra deserves better than this, so stop enabling her terrible film choices. That being said, Doomsday was awesome. I'd actually support a third installment of Doomsday.
8) The way it's made exclusively for 12-year-old boys, and if you go see it in theaters the ticket counter guy is totally going to look at you like a pedophile, as will all the 12-year-old boys surrounding you.
9) But most importantly, it's no different than the two films that preceded it, except this one has a cheaper cast and the guy who did the special effects for Battlefield Earth at the helm. Also it looks like Queen of the Damned but blue. And worse.

40 Comments

January 15, 2009 6:01 PM
Helen
Reply

I haven't seen the first 2, so I won't see this. But the screaming dude is Michael Sheen, right? From Frost/Nixon? (ie Kate Beckinsale's baby daddy)

What are Michael Sheen and Bill Nighy doing in this POS? IMDB tells me they were in the first ones, but that still doesn't answer the question.

January 15, 2009 6:34 PM
Temmere
Reply

Rhona Mitra won't GET better than this until people know who the heck she is. That won't happen until a lot of people have seen her movies.

January 15, 2009 7:28 PM
Lauren
Reply

Have to go see this with my best friend for her bday. Well, it can't be worse than Mummy 3, or Spiderman 3.....can it?

January 15, 2009 7:28 PM
fastbowler
Reply

Hey, Michael Sheen gets to be sexy in this role. I'm all for THAT. He was sexy in the first movie too. (That's what he and Bill Nighy are doing in this "POS." They've been in the other ones.)

Michael Sheen deserves to be known better than both Rhona Mitra AND Kate Beckinsale.

January 15, 2009 8:27 PM
thorswitch
Reply

Thank you for posting this. You just saved me from having to spend a day with a Very Grumpy Hubby who really hates it when movies he's looking forward to suck.

January 16, 2009 12:19 AM
Teshi
Reply

Every time I see the trailer, I hear that lines as "We can be slaves, or we can be lichen!"

Now THAT would be a movie I'd pay to see.

January 16, 2009 1:32 AM
Shae
Reply

well as always there are exceptions to the rule with prequels: the last 2 Batman movies for example.

January 17, 2009 4:49 PM
shaun
Reply

I tend to agree with the point that Michael Sheen deserves to be better known. He is a pretty classy actor. Besides "Frost/Nixon", he was also in "The Queen", doing an excellent job of Tony Blair. However, I think it's good that he is willing to make genre films.

January 21, 2009 8:43 AM
Mrigg
Reply
replied to comment from Teshi

Ha! That's how I always hear it, too. I'd rather watch a movie about lichen.

January 21, 2009 9:30 AM
laivine
Reply

The talent of Michael Sheen pretty much wipes away all of the reasons above.

January 21, 2009 11:30 AM
Lilion
Reply

I actually liked the first two movies and see no reason why I wouldn't like this one. So, really, if you like this genre, why not?

January 21, 2009 12:25 PM
tiny
Reply

I actually liked the first two movies and see no reason why I wouldn't like this one. So, really, if you like this genre, why not?
---
3 words
No Kate Beckinsale.

January 21, 2009 12:25 PM
tiny
Reply

I actually liked the first two movies and see no reason why I wouldn't like this one. So, really, if you like this genre, why not?
---
3 words
No Kate Beckinsale.

January 21, 2009 12:44 PM
BlogDog
Reply

I really liked "Doomsday" when it first came and was called "Road Warrior."
Also, could "Doomsday" have shown Rhona Mitra's implants any more clearly had it microscopically covered her body looking for surgical scars?

January 21, 2009 12:45 PM
Chris
Reply

The lack of Kate Beckinsale will keep me away, no matter how much I enjoy Bill Nighy. And I thought the backstory was sufficiently told in flashback from the first two movies. It would be like LOST creating a whole new show just based on the flashbacks (I might watch that).

January 21, 2009 5:12 PM
Katie
Reply

Reason #10: If you watched the BSG webisodes on SciFi.com, you've already seen the movie.

Wait, that was just the trailer? Gee, it feels like I've seen the whole movie, since I had to watch that trailer 10 TIMES to see the webisodes.

January 21, 2009 5:41 PM
bonerz4all
Reply

Who the hell is Rhona Mitra? And why is she not Kate Beckinsale?

January 21, 2009 6:18 PM
lurker2209
Reply
replied to comment from Katie

Exactly, I sort of thought about putting this in my Netflix queue eventually, but after seeing the trailer over and over on scifi.com, I hate this movie so, so much.

There needs to be a word for advertising that is so awful it drives you away from the product.

January 21, 2009 6:32 PM
threedubayous
Reply

The reason that Len Wiseman won't have "anything to do with it" is because he and Kate Beckinsale basically hooked up while filming the first movie WHEN KATE AND MICHAEL SHEEN WHERE STILL TOGETHER. I wouldn't want to be directing a movie that centers around my wife's ex either, particularly given the circumstances.

January 21, 2009 8:18 PM
Wulf
Reply

It can't possibly be worse than Underworld: Evolution.

January 21, 2009 9:23 PM
T
Reply

I've always considered the Underworld movies to be nothing more than an excuse to put Kate Beckinsale in a leather catsuit. Not that I'm complaining - merely making an observation.

January 22, 2009 1:05 AM
Pamela
Reply

I don't mind the first two Underworld movies, but I hate prequels and wasn't going to see this movie 'till I watched the trailer and saw Rhona Mitra...

Rhona Mitra = Awesomeness; although she'll always be Tara to me!

January 22, 2009 2:18 AM
Meeper
Reply
replied to comment from lurker2209

how about badvertising?

January 22, 2009 2:19 AM
Meeper
Reply

There needs to be a word for advertising that is so awful it drives you away from the product.

I propose "badvertising"

January 22, 2009 7:41 AM
S.C.
Reply

Third installment of Doomsday? There was a second one?

As for the first Doomsday, one post-apocalyptic car chase doesn't make it The Road Warrior. It was a mildly entertaining film, and probably did more for Mitra's career than this one will--wait, she probably got this role in part because of Doomsday. Hmm...

January 22, 2009 8:09 AM
DL
Reply
replied to comment from lurker2209

I always thought that word was advertising.

My core Rhona Mitra experience was her stint panting at Christophe Lambert in a version of "Beowulf" so wretchedly rotten it must be seen to be believed: and please understand that I would advocate disbelief and ignorance at all costs. I'm not seeing how she could possibly redeem herself from THAT, but will take her fanbase at their/your words.

(I kind of love Sheen's relish for the Underworld role. He clearly has a hell of a time with these flicks.)

January 22, 2009 8:40 AM
visitor
Reply

I'm not sure why prequels are still in fashion -- they are mostly anti-climactic by design.
Unless there is a total reboot of the storyline (such as Batman Begins), the fate of all the main characters is predetermined.
...so the level of suspense is already compromised.

January 22, 2009 10:10 AM
Nas
Reply

The entire article drips condescension and pretension an impressive combination. Vampires vs Werewolves is a fun idea which the Underworld series has a good time depicting. Michael Sheen and Bill Nighy were excellent in the first one and I`m looking forward to their expanded roles in the prequel. I`ll pick these films over the overbaked southern Gothic metaphor fest that is True Blood any day.

January 24, 2009 1:23 PM
Caro
Reply

Wow, I wish I had read this yesterday...I let my bf pick our date night movie, guess what he picked...

Painful, save the Michael Sheen semi-nakedness!

January 24, 2009 1:48 PM
Ashley
Reply

I saw the first two, so I went to see this one last night. If you take the movie for only popcorn thrill fun, then it'll be enjoyable. Don't take it seriously, then you won't like it. I enjoyed it, the final battle scene makes it worth watching.

January 24, 2009 3:09 PM
Erin
Reply

I agree with Ashley. It was pure gory vamp/werewolf goodness. It doesn't hold up to intense scrutiny, but it's fun! I'd say don't pay theater prices, but do put it in the Netflix queue if you liked the previous Underworld movies.

January 24, 2009 3:31 PM
Ashley
Reply

Commenting again. And it at least stays true to the storyline between Sonja and Lucian. How many other movies totally ignore the backstory of their predecessors? I know that it's not going to win any awards but the movie is good and it's worth seeing, either by Netflixing it or by theatre. And thanks Erin.

January 24, 2009 4:12 PM
Asia
Reply

Whatever dude. I'd probably care about your opinion if not for that generalization right in the first sentence.

January 24, 2009 8:04 PM
Lalea
Reply

I haven't seen the first two Underworlds, so normally I wouldn't be interested in this.

BUT now I might have to check it out because, after reading a few reviews, it seems that the general consensus is that Michael Sheen tears this movie apart with his incredible acting skills.

January 24, 2009 10:25 PM
putigger
Reply

If you liked the first two (which I did), you'll like this one. This series is not terribly ambitious, but it does what it does well....a vampire vs. werewolf saga. As prequels go, this one ain't bad. It was set up well in parts 1 and 2 and is generally satisfying.

January 24, 2009 10:26 PM
Ellen
Reply
replied to comment from lurker2209

Badvertising?

February 10, 2009 5:54 AM
steve d
Reply

Sorry but I have to defend Patrick Tatopoulos. The man is is beyond brilliant. We're talking about the production designer that gave us the look of Stargate, Pitch Black, Independence Day, all the Underworld movies, and Dark freaking City. Calling him "the Battlefield Earth guy" does him a great disservice.

March 2, 2009 10:50 PM
Anonymous
Reply
replied to comment from DL

I've actually seen that Beowulf movie! It's worth seeing for the sheer unbelievable awfulness. Yeah, I have a hard time believing she could be good in anything either.

July 1, 2011 11:37 PM
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9 reasons you shouldnt see und.. Peachy :)

July 2, 2011 6:10 AM
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9 reasons you shouldnt see und.. Bang-up :)

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