Otherwise, it will find a way to offend you. Starting with the premise: Two best friends, who have been best friends since they were very little girls, want to get married. That's all they've ever wanted. They pretended to get married when they were little, and doing the real thing is all they've ever dreamed of. Specifically, they want to get married at the Plaza. They grow up, and one of them (Kate Hudson) is a tough-as-nails, badass bitch -- oops, I mean lawyer, and the other (Anne Hathaway) is a sweet, weak, pathetic, spineless pushover. She's also a teacher. They both have boyfriends and they both get engaged, and because of an administrative error, their weddings end up on the same date. Neither will cave, so they start planning without one another, and it turns competitive and stupid, what with the dying each other's hair blue and fake-tanning each other into an orange mess that we all have seen in the trailer.

The movie portrays the two main characters as fanatical idiots who care about nothing but getting married. They will do anything to have the perfect wedding. And their idea of a perfect wedding costs at least $1 million. And even teacher Hathaway can afford this, because she started saving when she was 16. She must be much older than she looks, then, right? Like, 300? Or else this movie wants us to believe we can afford weddings such as this on a teacher's salary if we just save like a good little girl. And the extravagance is ridiculous and unnecessary and pointless (especially considering there is no real demonstration of, you know, love in either of the relationships the movie's about).

In addition to the main characters, who are willing to destroy their longest friendship to have the "perfect" day (the moral tries to be that you can't have your perfect day without your oldest friend there, but it mostly fails at that, too). And the other women in the film (their friends, their co-workers, their wedding planner, their wedding planner's assistant) are either selfish and ignorant; pathetic and jealous; bitter and cold; or uncaring and driven by money. I wouldn't have thought it was possible for a movie to be released that was more offensive to women than The Women, but here we have it. When one of the betrothed men tells the other, "They haven't spoken for a week. That's like a century in girl," it not only doesn't make any sense at all, but it also demonstrates just how deeply whoever wrote this movie hates women -- that it would give us these men delivering these "funny" lines about the women they are going to marry, as if all women are the same.

All of this offensiveness wouldn't even be a problem if the movie were actually funny. But there is exactly one funny joke in the movie, and it's about the "International Butter Club" being one of many types of junk food eaten by former fattie Hudson. (I know, right? She used to have a big ass, okay? That makes it easier for string bean Hathaway to have snappy comebacks. You know, so she can say things, like, "Your wedding will be huge. Just like your ass at prom.") Okay, I was wrong; even the butter-club joke wasn't funny. It just seemed funny next to all of the other tripe in the movie.

Try as they might, Hudson and Hathaway cannot make any of this funny or meaningful in even the remotest way -- and they do try; I'll give them that. Hathaway gives us a hell of a sexy dance when she crashes her former BFF's bachelorette party, but it's not interesting or exciting or even a little bit amusing. And Hudson is perky, bubbly and cute (not to mention completely unbelievable as a high-powered attorney), but when she has to scream "A week! A week! A week!" repeatedly after having her hair dyed blue, you will be more likely to plug your ears than to laugh. And they both bring emotion toward the end of the film, but since they deserve all their hurt feelings and more, it won't muster any sympathy from audiences anytime soon.

Tell us what you thought of Bride Wars, or why you won't be going to see it anytime soon.