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10 Revelations Gleaned From the New Friday the 13th
Think you've learned all you can learn from the Friday the 13th films? Think again. While there have been ten installments of Friday the 13th already, plus one crossover with A Nightmare on Elm Street, the new, Michael Bay-produced, Jared Padalecki-starring remake takes the franchise in a totally new direction, with totally new lessons and a totally new take on the hockey-mask-wearing, machete-brandishing serial killer Jason Voorhees! ...Okay, so maybe the take is more or less the same (why mess with perfection, right?) but those lessons are still there! Here are ten things we've learned from the latest Jason adventure.
10. No matter where you are, topless waterskiing always attracts creepy guys.
9. Without his brother Dean, Sam Winchester is surprisingly ineffective against supernatural killers.
8. Jason Voorhees hates it when people play around with the lighting while he's trying to do a mass-murder. He needs to focus!
7. There is apparently no 1970s or '80s horror film that producer Michael Bay will not try to make "more awesomer." He even gives you an address at the end of the movie where you can send your old videotapes, so he can smash all of the original versions with a hammer.
6. In the off-season, Jason coaches pee-wee hockey. ...I'm sorry, that should have read "murders Christmas carolers."
5. Having sex doesn't get you killed. Having sex at Camp Crystal Lake gets you killed.
4. Jason is also the serial killer known as Red John, and if Agent Van Pelt has tracked him down, then the Mentalist can't be far behind.
3. The quality of acting in a movie is always inversely proportional to the number of cast members who have done nude photo shoots. (Shoots for Vanity Fair don't count.)
2. Seeing a Friday the 13th movie on Friday the 13th? Not really any scarier than seeing it any other day.
1. Jared Padalecki is a total dreamboat.
Will you be seeing Friday the 13th, on Friday the 13th or otherwise?
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Is this what passes for commentary on TWoP these days? It seems to serve no purpose. It doesn't really tell you anything about the movie, but its not funny either. God, this site sucks.
Concur with reason 1, and it may be the only reason why I shell out 9.00 to see it. God knows it is not because of Micheal Bay.
#9 - TeeHee!
I just might agree with #1, however, his hair is three places to the left of disasterous judging by the trailer.
Also, having sex in any horror movie/being a sloo will get you killed. Last girl politics and all. Although, if you're fanatically religious you're probably going to die/get possessed or actually be the killer him/herself.
Sorry, no one here reads rudespeak...could you repost your opinion in a way that allows you to deserve opposable thumbs?
Thanks for the small, amusing review, Zach. Most of us got it.
I agree with number one.
When will I watch F13? In April. Because that's when it's coming out in my country. Sigh...
Without his brother Dean, Sam Winchester is surprisingly ineffective against supernatural killers.
I think I siad exactly this to my friend while watching the movie. I love the movie but really where was Dean when you need him.
And i think #5 is a theory that has been proven by most of the Friday the 13th films. Even though other kids ran off to NY and that didn't save them either.
I think this is one of the most vital info for me. And i'm glad reading your article. But want to remark on some general things, The website style is ideal, the articles is really excellent : D. Good job, cheers