1) Did I mention this movie is based on a book that's based on a Sex and The City episode? What's next, a movie about the Funky Spunk dude? Sounds like a job for Rob Schneider.

2) I know! Let's take a gaggle of the sexiest, most beautiful actresses in Hollywood and get audiences to believe that they're total rejects who suck at life. That is some feel-good shit. How you gonna tell me Ginnifer Goodwin has trouble getting laid? With that sort of logic, what the hell hope do us normal people have then?

3) Drew Barrymore looks depressingly uncute in this. I look askance at any movie that succeeds in making the person whose picture appears next to the word "adorable" in the dictionary (I'm lookin' at you, Never Been Kissed) look like a mousy frump. It's bad for our collective self-image.

4) Why is Wilson Cruz being relegated to a supporting-supporting role as token gay? When will Ricky Vasquez get his due for god's sake? He needs a starring-role vehicle STAT.

5) Considering how packed this movie was with A-listers, there was little to no behind-the-scenes drama (Jennifer Connelly feuding with the other female leads over a Redbook cover? Yawn. Drew Barrymore dating one of her male co-stars for a hot second? Double yawn).

6) Note to the marketing department: Nothing makes a movie seem more dated than mentioning Myspace in the trailer. I understand there's a running gag in the movie about the endless varieties of communication devices that make getting dumped more humiliating and confusing than ever, but name-dropping an obsolete social networking site from the early aughts makes the movie seem even more culturally irrelevant than I already suspected it was.

7) Hasn't Jennifer Connelly's career tailspin plummeted to sufficient lows yet? It was a mere eight years ago that the bushy-browed thesp got an Oscar for her role in the critically lauded A Beautiful Mind. Things have taken quite a turn since then (my apologies to those who thought the remake of The Day The Earth Stood Still was in any way good), and it's straight depressing.

8) I just love shelling out twelve dollars to watch a movie that reinforces the misogynist conspiracy that women are either weak, desperate creatures slavering to pair up, reproduce and nest or hateful home-wrecking hellions bent on destroying men's lives.

9) What if my one and only perfect soul mate calls while I'm in the movie and I miss it and then I wind up alone forever? Because as we all know, being a spinster is a fate worse than death. But maybe I can write a tell-all book about how the movie based on the book based on the TV episode ruined my life, and then they'll make it into a movie and then I'll get rich! Then I can buy all the affection I want. I take it all back! I'm so going to see this movie!