The Jonas Brothers Cut Their Hair in 3D and No One Finds Them Cute Anymore
Thanks to an unfortunate walking incident, Kevin Jonas gets gum in his incredibly curly hair, and has to have most of it cut off in order to remove the gum. In a show of solidarity, Nick Jonas and Bobby Jonas (there's a Bobby Jonas, right?) decide to get their floppy hair cut short, too. One wacky music-video trip to the barbershop later, the boys show up for their first concert... and are booed off the stage. None of the girls who usually throw their Disney Princesses underwear at them even want to look at them now, calling them "ugly." Sales of their records tank, until, in a moment of desperation, the band finally goes on television and makes up the story that they have cancer. Album sales rebound slightly, but they're mostly pity sales. The final musical number, "Bald Like an Eagle," takes place in the hospital's youth cancer ward, where even the young cancer patients don't like them, and when their deception is revealed, the patients hurl their bedpans at them.

The Jonas Brothers Get Blamed for Fan's 3D Suicide
After a visually stunning opening in which a young Jonas Brothers fan hurls herself off of a building -- the kind of suicide that's tailor-made for 3D -- a parents group, the National Organization for Jurisdiction Over Boy Bands (NOJOBBs), begins organizing protests against their music. Taking the Jonas Brothers to court, NOJOBBs alleges that excessive hair-flopping and soulless, non-threatening lyrics can lead to obsessive behavior in young girls, and it should be regulated. Banned from performing as the Jonas Brothers anymore, Joe, Nick and Benny Jonas (is there a Benny Jonas?) form a heavy metal band called the Janus Brood, and write dark, angsty songs that are so painfully awful that even heavy metal fans kill themselves after listening to them. The film ends with a huge Janus Brood concert in Norway, during which the entire audience hurls themselves into a fjord, making it the most amazing mass suicide ever captured in 3D.

The Jonas Brothers: The Career-Ending Homemade 3D Sex Tape Scandal
After spending a night on his tour bus with an enthusiastic soccer mom, Joe Jonas accidentally sends his closed-circuit television footage of the night's events to Kevin Jonas, who sends them to Nick Jonas, who sends them to Franco Jonas and then remembers that Franco Jonas isn't actually a Jonas Brother, just some guy he met on Facebook. Franco promptly posts the video on YouTube, and the Jonas Brothers immediately lose all of their endorsement deals -- even Jonas Brothers Brand Condoms, since Joe was wearing a Trojan in the video. The remaining tour dates are scrapped, and their tour buses are repossessed, leaving the Jonases stranded in the middle of nowhere with only their guitars. Hitchhiking to Los Angeles, the three of them put on a last-ditch 3-D concert in front of Grauman's Chinese Theatre, which earns them a spot on the local news... as hilarious Jonas Brothers impersonators. Wearily accepting their lot in life, the trio spend the rest of their days taking pictures with Japanese tourists as tour guides try to pronounce the Japanese word for "sex tape."

The Jonas Brothers: My Bloody Valentine's Day Concert 3D
Looking for a way to make even more money, the Jonas Brothers decide to hold a Valentine's Day concert, because teenage girls eat that crap up. Choosing to hold it near an old, abandoned coal mine, the brothers dub it the "Shaft of Love" concert, and merchandise it to the gills, with T-shirts, backpacks and sweatpants with "SHAFT" in big letters on the butt. But an hour before the show is set to begin, Joe Jonas is killed by a mysterious masked man who throws a drumstick through his head (in 3D). Kevin and Nick search for the killer, but they make the mistake of splitting up, and Nick is impaled on a microphone stand by the killer (also in 3D). Kevin makes a last-ditch effort to find out who the masked man is, and struggles with him long enough to find out that it's Billy Ray Cyrus, who's furious that the Jonases have eclipsed his daughter Miley in popularity, thereby costing him lucrative endorsement deals. Kevin tries to run, but is hung from the lighting rig by his own ironically skinny necktie just as the curtain opens. Miley Cyrus performs the concert instead, because, really, it's all the same crappy music, anyway. Nobody investigates the Jonases' disappearances, because nobody cares. The End.

Would you pay to see the Jonas Brothers in 3D? What about if they were on fire? Yes? No?