If at all Possible, Marry Helen Mirren.
Or you could just marry Mimi Rogers, but you should probably do something more original. Helen Mirren's hot, older and stately enough to possibly get people to consider taking you seriously as a dramatic actor. Perfect. TomMimi who?

Then, You and Helen Should Convert to a Controversial Religion.
Scientology is so '90s. Ooh! How about that psychological condition that shows up in the news every few months, about the people who are in love with objects and buildings? Yeah. Just find a way to turn that thing into a religion somehow, and Dateline'll be all over it.

Dump Helen Mirren for Someone More Age-Appropriate. And Australian.
There are lots of these girls running around. Just pick one, get her to marry you, and then make a bunch of movies with her that have off-putting love scenes in them that make everyone uncomfortable. Trust me, it'll hurt us a lot more than it'll hurt you.

Star in an Action Franchise Based on a Classic Television Series.
As we all know, being in action blockbusters is an important part of becoming a megastar. But personally, while I love Zac Efron, I'm not necessarily dying to see him do action, as it could be quite painful to watch. I am, however, dying to see him in a bolo tie and chaps, which is why I'm recommending Gunsmoke. Was there a comely saloon boy on that show who didn't participate in the shooting? Maybe just ran the piano section of the saloon? If not, let's write him in. Let's make this thing! Instant star!

Then, Star in a Romantic Dramedy about a Man Experiencing a Life Epiphany and Freaking Out About It Until a Hysterical Woman "Completes" Him.
I would come up with a whole new plot here, but it's probably best to just make Jerry Maguire 2: Same Soundtrack, Less Cameron Crowe on this one. Jody Hill to direct, of course.

Popularize an Uncommon Adjective in a Matt Lauer Interview.
Say what you want about Tom Cruise, but the word "glib" was going nowhere in the world until Tom Cruise accused of Matt Lauer of it on national television. I recommend something like "waggish" that is not only fun to say, but super-fun to visualize. Possible dance craze potential? Obviously.

Feel Free to Have Fun with It: Do Your Own Take on Jumping on Oprah's Couch.
Again, find a way to make this your own, while still letting the public know you've gone batshit over your new child bride. Since Oprah will be off the air by the time you're at this stage in the CruiseLife, and both Tyra and her talk show are going to outlive us all, I suggest that venue. Scream about your love for Elle Fanning in between kissing Tyra's "fat! Ass!" in a segment. Then make Elle be pregnant for about 13 months and never, ever address how weird that was.

PS: Our site director Dan Manu sent me this link to a Tom Cruise fansite all "Yeah right!" and "Zac Efron wishes!" about all the comparisons that's had me laughing all afternoon. If you need a pick-me-up, I highly recommend the comments section.

Anyway, your thoughts on the ridiculous -- or not ridiculous, depending on your perspective -- comparisons? If not, any non-sequitur Zefron gushing is also highly encouraged.