BLOGS
Have you noticed this? In the midst of all the 17 Again success, that little powerhouse of sweepy do's and fake varsity basketball production numbers, Zac Efron has been getting compared to a young Tom Cruise a lot this month. I guess it makes sense? When Tom Cruise was 21, he was also very pretty and famous, so it makes total sense to compare the two, because 1) no one other than Tom Cruise has ever exhibited those two characteristics, and 2) it's not like calling someone "the next Tom Cruise" has any negative and/or terrifying connotations or anything, media. It makes perfect sense! Excellent work. Anyway, apparently they mean it as a compliment, because Tom Cruise is quite successful, busy and wealthy, despite all his bad personal press, and I say there's no reason the same can't be true for Zefron. Here are a few ridiculous steps in the shadow of Cruise for him to follow. (Note to Zefron: I love you, so please, for the love of god, don't do any of these things.) And a 5, 6, 7, 8!
Or you could just marry Mimi Rogers, but you should probably do something more original. Helen Mirren's hot, older and stately enough to possibly get people to consider taking you seriously as a dramatic actor. Perfect. TomMimi who?
Then, You and Helen Should Convert to a Controversial Religion.
Scientology is so '90s. Ooh! How about that psychological condition that shows up in the news every few months, about the people who are in love with objects and buildings? Yeah. Just find a way to turn that thing into a religion somehow, and Dateline'll be all over it.
Dump Helen Mirren for Someone More Age-Appropriate. And Australian.
There are lots of these girls running around. Just pick one, get her to marry you, and then make a bunch of movies with her that have off-putting love scenes in them that make everyone uncomfortable. Trust me, it'll hurt us a lot more than it'll hurt you.
Star in an Action Franchise Based on a Classic Television Series.
As we all know, being in action blockbusters is an important part of becoming a megastar. But personally, while I love Zac Efron, I'm not necessarily dying to see him do action, as it could be quite painful to watch. I am, however, dying to see him in a bolo tie and chaps, which is why I'm recommending Gunsmoke. Was there a comely saloon boy on that show who didn't participate in the shooting? Maybe just ran the piano section of the saloon? If not, let's write him in. Let's make this thing! Instant star!
Then, Star in a Romantic Dramedy about a Man Experiencing a Life Epiphany and Freaking Out About It Until a Hysterical Woman "Completes" Him.
I would come up with a whole new plot here, but it's probably best to just make Jerry Maguire 2: Same Soundtrack, Less Cameron Crowe on this one. Jody Hill to direct, of course.
Popularize an Uncommon Adjective in a Matt Lauer Interview.
Say what you want about Tom Cruise, but the word "glib" was going nowhere in the world until Tom Cruise accused of Matt Lauer of it on national television. I recommend something like "waggish" that is not only fun to say, but super-fun to visualize. Possible dance craze potential? Obviously.
Feel Free to Have Fun with It: Do Your Own Take on Jumping on Oprah's Couch.
Again, find a way to make this your own, while still letting the public know you've gone batshit over your new child bride. Since Oprah will be off the air by the time you're at this stage in the CruiseLife, and both Tyra and her talk show are going to outlive us all, I suggest that venue. Scream about your love for Elle Fanning in between kissing Tyra's "fat! Ass!" in a segment. Then make Elle be pregnant for about 13 months and never, ever address how weird that was.
PS: Our site director Dan Manu sent me this link to a Tom Cruise fansite all "Yeah right!" and "Zac Efron wishes!" about all the comparisons that's had me laughing all afternoon. If you need a pick-me-up, I highly recommend the comments section.
Anyway, your thoughts on the ridiculous -- or not ridiculous, depending on your perspective -- comparisons? If not, any non-sequitur Zefron gushing is also highly encouraged.
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Kudos to the hilarious article! I'm ROFL right now. As a fellow Zefron fan (by the way, I like that name, sounds like a kitchen equipment), I have high hopes for our golden boy.
I think that Zac shares a drive and sense of perfectionism with Tom Cruise but that's it.
They are both charismatic but Zac's got a lot more sweetness, charm, and heart to him than Cruise ever had. Can you even begin to imagine Tom Cruise playing someone as genuine and sincere as Troy Bolton... no way.
Plus Zac is far more gorgeous than Tom Cruise ever was.
Amen. Please, Zefron (I also highly approve of this name), never, never become like Tom Cruise! I want to love you always! Not be creeped out by you on a regular basis.
I think the comparers are just hoping Zefron (sounds like a Star Trek planet to me, wotcher) will start sliding around on hardwood floors in sunglasses and underpants. Personally, I'm okay with this plan.
Also, I think it would be very fitting if Zac's couch-jump-inspiring child bride turned out to be Suri Cruise (in, like, 20 years, of course).
Yes child bride Suri.. now that would take the cake!!!
You owe me a new keyboard. Suri Cruise would be awesome.
That's a great list... of to-don'ts. Keep up the normalacy, kid: that's why we like you now, that's why we'll leave when you start crusing around with people in the wrong generation. Suri Cruise can be your co-star, but no steam, please.
Jesus, you guys... Suri Effron. Hilarious!
Jesus, you guys... Suri Effron. Hilarious!
Hasn't Ashton Kutcher already start along this path?
Zac Efron is not Tom Cruise. Zac Efron is John Travolta. I can see how you and the media might have gotten confused, given all the similar characteristics, but . . . Tom Cruise got started making teen sex comedies, and Travolta got started making teen musical comedies . . . see?
I have a total man-crush on Zefron myself. I have been praying for someone to pick up Me and Orson Welles, which I look forward to dearly.
Zefron sounds like the name of the inventor of warp drive, Zephraim Cochran. Should I be ashamed that I know that?
Zac could do a musical version of Jerry Maguire. And he'd be cute as a button in a remake of Grease. He's a different type than Travolta, but I can see the career arc--hopefully without the long gap in the middle.
And "Saturday Night Fever" was not a musical comedy.
Holy moly! Tom Cruise is frickin HOT. Many of my girlfriends drool at the mention of his name. Gorgeous eyes. Beautiful cheekbones and lips too. Swoon.. that body makes me go crazy just thinking about it.