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Movies Without Pity
I Want My DVD: Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Angela Lansbury, Jason Statham and Valentino Garavani walk into a bar. The bar explodes. End of joke. Start of the weirdest week in movies on DVD ever.

Bedknobs & Broomsticks
Bedknobs is a hard-boiled veteran cop. Broomsticks is a rookie with a reckless streak. Together, they're the greatest fighting force Detroit has ever seen... Just kidding. Bedknobs are just bedknobs, and so are broomsticks, but in the hands of apprentice witch Angela Lansbury, they're both completely non-suggestive methods of flight. This new edition of the Disney classic sees a relatively young Lansbury riding a bed into battle with three kids and a mail-order magic teacher, playing soccer with animated animals and fighting off a squad of invading Nazis using haunted armor. Why did England need us, again? "Piss off, Nazis! We've got magic Angela Lansbury!" This edition includes a deleted song and a featurette on the vintage special effects, in which a cast member from Wizards of Waverly Place compares them to the effects on her own show. Now that's just mean.

Crank 2: High Voltage
What can we say about this movie that Jason Statham hasn't already tattooed on our forehead with a rusty windshield wiper? Either you have zero interest in seeing Statham punch people in the face and steal their cars, or you've already thrown out your copy of Crash (the Sandra Bullock one, not the James Spader one) to make room for this movie in your alphabetically arranged DVD library. ...You know, now that I think about it, with all of its sex and cars and sex in cars, the James Spader Crash is pretty much a more laid-back version of Crank. Just slap a label that says Crank 3: Reflections on Mortality on that puppy.

Valentino: The Last Emperor
Psst. He's not really an emperor. He's a bitchy clothing designer. Pass it on.

I'll Believe You
Let me get this straight: Ed Helms, Patrick Warburton, Fred Willard and Chris Elliott are all in a movie together? How have I not heard of-- Oh. It's a "family-friendly" comedy about people who believe in extra-terrestrials. So, no swearing, no frontal nudity and no jokes about getting some. Can you say "waste of talent"? Still, my curiosity has been piqued. You can't put four people that funny in a movie together and not get something magical.

Sleep Dealer
A Mexican cyberpunk sci-fi film about a dystopic future? I'm in.

Also out this week:
Rise of the Gargoyles Hey, what's Eric Balfour up to? Oh.
Battle of the Warriors From the director of Race of the Drivers and Waltz of the Dancers.
Homicide (Criterion Collection) The David Mamet movie, not the crime show. For Joe Mantegna in a crime show, check out our TV on DVD roundup.

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