St. Patrick's Day
Gerard Butler, Rip Torn, Jude Law and Mel Gibson play alcoholics at various stages of rock bottom and recovery, respectively. After a series of storylines involving a sexy young DTs sufferer in Butler's rehab group (Lindsay Lohan); her mother (Paula Abdul) being escorted out of visitation day for smuggling contraband; a sexy cop (Kate Hudson) arresting Law for a DUI; Law sharing a cell with Rip Torn (who laments dragging his wife and daughter into a life of drugs, alcohol, and hilarious attempted bank robberies); Officer Kate Hudson teaching Mel Gibson the uplifting story of her formerly liver-diseased drunk of a brother seeking help in court-mandated traffic school, we end at Hudson's St. Patrick's Day party, where: Jude Law is her date; her brother has been Gerard Butler this whole time; Butler brings his girlfriend Lindsay Lohan, who also brings her parents -- Paula Abdul and Rip Torn -- for some bizarre reason, and Mel Gibson isn't invited. Everyone's love is anew and/or rekindled, and everybody gets drunk having learned nothing, while Hollywood counts all its new money. The end.

Mother's Day
A group of college friends in their mature years (Shirley MacLaine, Jane Fonda, Liza Minnelli and Betty White) are reuniting to hit up Boca Raton to avoid their ungrateful granddaughters on Mother's Day. Once there, each lady quickly embarks on a scandalous May-December fling. MacLaine is romanced by a swarthy tennis instructor (Javier Bardem), Jane Fonda by an eager young parking valet (Shia LaBeouf), Liza Minnelli by a naïve yet flamboyant tap instructor (Tony Hale), and Betty White by a widower cupcake maker (Steve Carrell). Everything's going great at the Big Boca May-December May Prom between the new couples, getting down to DJ Pauly D's mix of Perry Como and Ludacris, when all of a sudden the ladies' granddaughters (Emma Stone, Carey Mulligan, Anna Kendrick and Amanda Bynes, respectively) barge in trying to claim their online boyfriends -- who turn out to be the dates of their grandmothers! Gross and stupid, but hardly the grossest and stupidest thing Hollywood has done to get new money to count. The end.

Easter Day
When a single mom (Jennifer Aniston) gets a singing bunny-gram (John Cusack in a bunnysuit) from a secret admirer, she passes out from the overwhelming romance of it all. Problem is, John Cusack knows who the sender was -- his ad-exec cousin, Jeremy Piven, who is married (to Drew Barrymore). After calling an ambulance for Aniston, he resists telling her the truth, and leaves, fretting over who he loves more -- his cousin's wife Drew Barrymore, or Jennifer Aniston, who he just met, but obviously loves now. But there's no time for that! The moment John Cusack gets into his work-issued singing telegram van, he gets a call from his boss (Dakota Fanning), who says corporate (Jennifer Lopez) screwed up, and no one's getting paid, not even John Cusack's struggling singing telegram co-worker and daughter, Miley Cyrus. To save his daughter, he blackmails Jeremy Piven (who turns out to be Jennifer Lopez's twin brother the whole time, so it's fine, they're corporate scum) and receives a fat check for all of Piven's life savings in return for keeping his secret. Now that he's broke, Drew Barrymore leaves Jeremy Piven for his newly rich cousin, and the three of them (Aniston had an epiphany while staring at some novelty bunny graphics on her preferred dating site and realized she loves John Cusack) engage in a beautiful plural marriage, Miley Cyrus goes to veterinary school so she can continue the family's grand bunny theme, Jeremy Piven ends up with Dakota Fanning for some contrived reason, and Jennifer Lopez sells her singing telegram business and buys herself a harem full of boys in animal suits sewn by Eva Mendes. And, Hollywood counts all its new money. The end.

Secretary's Day
In addition to dealing with the pressures of being the recently crowned youngest Nobel Prize Winner to date, a physicist (Megan Fox) is being constantly annoyed by a sweet but pestering intern in her lab (Jay Baruchel) who has been madly in love with her since her first academic journal article. After an elaborately romantic show of cramming the lab full of 58.9 (the atomic weight of cobalt) million cobalt (her favorite element) blue tulips (he's got a trust fund, you see) goes awry, he seeks some cocktail therapy with his former co-worker (Kristen Bell), who has changed career paths, and now works as an assistant to the leading smutty romance novel cover boy (Aaron Eckhart). They bemoan their bosses' shortcomings (Fox won't return Baruchel's affections, Eckhart won't stop hogging the mirror), until suddenly it's the next morning, and a shirtless Eckhart is begging a very hungover Bell to set his hopelessly single despite being ridiculously attractive sister (Scarlett Johansson) up with one of her male friends from atop his steed at a photo shoot.

You see, this sister person is having trouble finding a man while working such long hours for her boss (Neil Patrick Harris) in... something, while also trying to run interference in his currently very messy divorce. We see ScarJo running around frantically in an office environment, taking overly demanding orders from NPH while having exasperated, yet probably too familiar to be appropriate, phone conversations with his nameless ex while looking longingly at the stack of wedding magazines on her desk that she's subscribed to, but never gets time to cry into like she so desperately wants.

In the final scene, we see ScarJo giving NPH a pep talk in a courtroom, where his divorce settlement is being decided by a jury, because these movies are stupid. Just as NPH is insisting he's not giving his ex a cent, the courtroom doors open, and in walks the other party -- Aaron Eckhart, followed by his trusty assistant Kristen Bell. After Judge Rosie O'Donnell addresses the jury (which consists of Megan Fox, Jay Baruchel and 10 frumpy extras), NPH breaks down and begs Aaron Eckhart to take him back. He does, Bell and Baruchel realize they're in love with each other, Megan Fox and Rosie O'Donnell make out, ScarJo latches onto a bailiff, and it's all very heartwarming case closed. Hollywood, of course, counts its money the entire time. The end.

Your specific-holiday-meets-12-celebrities movie plots? Give 'em!

Hate Valentine's Day in general? Then these are the movies for you.