The good news is that while the plot seems indecipherably convoluted in the trailer, it actually makes some sense. It's ludicrous and everything, but it's easy to understand, at least. The Prince of Persia is a former "street rat" (minus Abu, which -- fail), who was taken in and adopted by the king when he showed some courage by throwing an apple at someone one time. Anyway. Then someone else (I won't tell you who! I'd hate for you to be spoiled!) kills the king and the Prince of Persia finds a dagger that has a magical button on it that, when pressed, turns back time, making it possible for him to change the king-assassination events of the past. So he tries to get it. He has it for a while, he loses it for a while, then they have trouble finding the right sand (sands of time!) to put in it, then they go to an ostrich race for a really long time, then his friend gets a job as a waitress, then Alfred Molina talks about taxes, then they go to a cave, then they take a nap in the desert, then a burn victim tries to talk to them, then they take another nap in the desert, then I took a nap for a while, then, several weeks later, the movie ended. With a happy ending! Yay!

There is action, but a lot of it is in slow-mo, and none of it is exciting. Well, one part is. One part is hilarious. A bad guy is holding a cobra up to Jake Gyllenhaal like he's going to release it on him, when Gemma Arterton shows up behind the guy, grabs the snake, and, like, sticks it on his face! And the guy dies. Maybe you had to be there, but I lost it. That was the funniest thing I've seen since Ramona Singer went on a Hooters boat a couple weeks ago.

Other than that, the Prince of Persia also spends a great deal of time standing on top of buildings and gracefully jumping off of them like the lead character in Assassin's Creed (same game studio, so no foul, really), so it's kind of like watching the most boring Olympic diving sports in the history of humanity. And, of course, why the hell is Jake Gyllenhaal in this? And how did they manage to make Gemma Arterton, who is beautiful and always delightful, even in terrible movies, so ridiculously annoying? Why did Ben Kingsley agree to this? Why aren't Persians picketing? Why aren't reviewers picketing? I have so many questions.

Please, please, don't see this. It will only inspire sequels that I'll be professionally required to see. I'm begging you.

Did you see it? Did you love it? Discuss below! Then see our guide to the best and worst video game movies!