Hey teacher, leave them kids alone!

We've seen countless variations on the traditional Snow White fable and while we're admittedly curious about Snow White and the Huntsman (mostly because we're hoping for the Evil Queen to win), this watered-down-for-kids version was entirely unnecessary. It seems that Mirror Mirror was trying really desperately to capture some of the flavor of Enchanted, but missed the mark by about 100 miles. And while this looks prettier and more lavish than Once Upon A Time, that show can be seen for free on TV and features a far more in-depth and creative retelling of the Snow White saga. So aside from the gorgeous costumes (the more outrageous of which suffer from coming out a week after The Hunger Games), the majority of the movie is entirely ridiculous. Let's break down the crazy for you.

Pity poor Wrath of the Titans; arriving in theaters a week after The Hunger Games stormed the box office with its youthful heroine, stripped-down action sequences and pointed social commentary, that film makes this overproduced, underwritten F/X extravaganza look about as ancient as the Greek myths it's (very loosely) based on.

What to do when you're stuck in a moment you can't get out of?

Dudes, forget the map. Just use HopStop!

Wonder if Katniss knows Pencak Silat?

If there's a single takeaway from The Hunger Games, the first of four planned movies based on the omnipresent YA book franchise by Suzanne Collins, it's that Jennifer Lawrence is a genuine, true blue, big time movie star. Coming off a deservedly acclaimed breakout performance in the indie drama Winter's Bone and a strong supporting turn in last summer's comic book blockbuster X-Men: First Class, the actress picks up the archer's bow wielded by Katniss Everdeen, the girl revolutionary at the center of the novels. On the page, Katniss functions as a kind of wish-fulfillment character for every teen reader -- girls and boys alike -- that has ever felt alienated and aggrieved by an unjust society. (And that's pretty much every teenager from the dawn of time.) The great accomplishment of Lawrence's performance is that she takes a person that every fan of the book has imagined themselves being and makes her completely her own. From the opening scenes, she's completely locked in to Katniss's headspace and vividly portrays her transformation from amateur hunter to battle-tested fighter. So yes, Lawrence is terrific. The movie itself, unfortunately, is a disappointment.

The standards for budget, special effects and an audience's tolerance for teenagers killing each other are much higher now than they were back in the early '00s -- a fact made extremely clear when Battle Royale was essentially banned from United States theaters. But what if this week's The Hunger Games movie had been released in 2002? (Yes, we know the book would've had to existed first, but just go with it.) Who would've starred in it? What would the music have been like? Would it have been better than the actual 2012 version? Let's speculate:

It's time to start the music. Again.

Requiem for a weirdo.