Inglourious Basterds: The War Movie We Wish Quentin Had Made

After months of geeking out over every bit of news we could find about Quentin Tarantino's war movie -- and misspelling the title every time we wrote about it -- it's finally here: the teaser trailer for Inglourious Basterds. And while it looks pretty bad-ass, it also kinda looks like any other World War II movie, if all World War II movies had Brad Pitt leading an all-Jewish squad of Nazi-killers. While it was cool seeing actors B. J. Novak and Samm Levine on the team, we were kind of hoping for a bit more of Quentin's usually inspired casting of familiar faces. However, Hostel director Eli Roth did creep us out as the smirking, baseball-bat-wielding sadist of the group, so maybe Quentin should have cast more of today's best-known directors? We would totally go see a movie where Quentin led a team of eight filmmakers against the Nazis -- or better yet, the MPAA! Here's who we think should be on that directorial dream team.

Sgt. Michael Bay (The Rock, Pearl Harbor, Armageddon)
Primary Military Specialty:
In going up against the tyrannical forces of the MPAA/Nazis, the team is going need to burn some bridges, both figuratively and literally. And who better to blow stuff up than Michael Bay, Godfather of Explosions? Considering that each of his films has at least seven massive fireballs in them, Bay would be perfect as the team's specialist at making things go boom. And his dead-serious, stop-fooling-around on-set persona is well-suited to the role of the soldier who's carrying all of the C4.

Sgt. Kevin Smith (Mallrats, Clerks, Zack & Miri Make a Porno)
Primary Military Specialty:
Code Talker
Just like the Navajo windtalkers of World War II, Smith would be an invaluable asset to the team for his ability to transmit positions and troop strengths entirely based on Star Wars and comic book references. Before the MPAA/Nazis would be able to look up all of the obscure lingo ("Vas ist der 'wampa'?"), Smith would have called in massive air strikes on their location, relaying the info to HQ through a massive message board of geeks.

P.F.C. David Fincher (Seven, Fight Club, Zodiac, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button)
Primary Military Specialty:
Night Ops
If there's one thing we know about Fincher from his films, it's that he likes the dark. Not the figurative darkness inside us all -- the actual dark. After years of wandering around murky, underground sets and night shoots, Fincher can operate with almost zero visibility, perfect for sneaking up on an MPAA machine gun nest and taking out everyone inside. Fincher isn't afraid of the dark -- the dark is afraid of him.

P.F.C. Jon Favreau (Made, Elf, Iron Man)
Primary Military Specialty:
Defensive Strategies
Having directed Iron Man, Favreau knows a little bit about armor, and so is in charge of the body armor each man in the squad wears to protect themselves from MPAA bullets. However, he is also aware of the defensive capabilities of sarcasm, having used it to protect himself from emotional harm in Swingers and other acting roles. When pinned down by sniper fire, the team would turn to Favreau to unleash a blistering string of snide comments at the shooter, ultimately causing him to commit suicide.

P.F.C. Zack Snyder (Dawn of the Dead, 300, Watchmen)
Primary Military Specialty:
Having remade George Romero's zombie classic and faithfully adapted the works of Frank Miller and Dave Gibbons to the screen, Snyder has perfected the art of mimicry, and can now duplicate the look and sound of anyone he sees. When the team needs to get into a fortified area, they would call on Snyder to assume the identity of a high-ranking Nazi/MPAA officer and walk right in the front door. He may appear to move in slow-motion at times, and sometimes he tries to say too much in too short a period of time, but otherwise the illusion is flawless.

P.F.C.M. Night Shyamalan (The Sixth Sense, Signs, The Village, The Happening)
Primary Military Specialty:
Psychological Warfare
FDR once said, "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." Shyamalan agrees, and has spent his whole life learning how to create that fear. With a few tin cans, some chewing gum and an old rug, Shyamalan could fool the MPAA/Nazis into seeing whatever he wants -- invading aliens, red-robed monsters, dead people -- and send them running for the hills. By the time they realize that the monsters were just costumes, or the dead people just wanted help, or that the aliens were vulnerable to water, it would be too late, and they'd either be dead or their trousers would be too soaked to do anything.

P.F.C. McG (Terminator: Salvation, Charlie's Angels 1 & 2)
Primary Military Specialty:
Weapons and Nicknames
As the director who was saddled with a terrible moniker at childhood, McG would quickly make sure that he was in charge of giving everyone equally terrible nicknames. He would also be in charge of weaponry, making sure that Bay-bay, Smithy, Atticus, Money, Zack Attack and Nite Owl were properly armed at all times, in case they run into any Nazis, killer robots, female martial artists or Zombie Jack Valentis.

Lt. Quentin Tarantino (Kill Bill, Jackie Brown, Pulp Fiction)
Primary Military Specialty:
Who else to lead this ragtag group of auteurs than Tarantino himself? As a director, he's overseen diverse casts of high-maintenance actors, and as a movie buff he knows the work of his comrades inside and out, so coordinating their actions and putting their skills to best use should be a snap. Also, he totally knows what song should be playing at all times, from a somber trek through the Ardennes ("Rumble" by Link Wray) to a blazing shootout with the MPAA/Nazis ("Hey Gyp" by Eric Burdon and the Animals).

What do you think of the Basterds trailer? Or our alternate casting ideas, for that matter? Sound off below.




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