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<i>Twilight 2</i>: Why the Hell Does it Take Place in an Amusement Park?

Now, being a semi-literate, heterosexual male, I didn't see Twilight. I mean, I wanted to, but I knew they were making a sequel, so I figured I had time to see the first one before the second came out. But now, all of a sudden, I'm seeing commercials for the new one, and it opens this weekend! It's been what, a few months since Twilight came out? I mean, I knew they were fast-tracking the thing, but this is ridiculous! I want to go see the new one, but I still only know the basic elements of the first, so I'm not even totally sure what's going on here, but this is what I think is going on in Twilight 2: Adventureland.

Bella (Kristen Stewart) has got a job for the summer at an amusement park called "Adventureland." (Metaphor for how her life has changed since she started snogging the undead? Discuss.) I guess she and that Edward the Vampire guy are still dating, because he keeps hanging around the park, except now he's played by Ryan Reynolds. Not sure why they recast -- did Robert Pattinson decide not to come back? He seemed like he was losing it for a while there. Anyway, I guess Edward got over that whole sparkling-in-the-sunlight thing, because he's sitting around in broad daylight and looks perfectly normal. Good thing, too -- from what I hear, the sparkling thing looked totally lame.

So she's working at this amusement park, and I guess she meets this intellectual, curly-headed guy (Jesse Eisenberg), who she seems to be kind of into, because she invites him to a party, and Ryan Reynolds looks all weirded out. That's when it hits me -- this must be that werewolf dude, Jacob! They even make a fun reference to how he's trying to save money to go to Europe -- yeah, to star in An American Werewolf in London and An American Werewolf in Paris! Very clever, writers! So this human-werewolf-vampire love triangle kicks into high gear, and there's even a hot scene with Bella and Jacob in a swimming pool, but he's afraid to get out of the pool, because he's wolfing out or something.

Throughout the movie, there are vampires (wearing "Rides" shirts) harassing Jacob and his pack of werewolf co-workers (wearing "Games" shirts), and at one point Jacob's boss has to chase one of them off with a bat. (Is that supposed to be a pun?) Why can't these vampires and werewolves just get along?! The boss and his wife are played by SNL's Bill Hader and Kristen Wiig, and they're hysterically clueless as to why the corndogs make Jacob sick. They think it's because they weren't refrigerated properly, but it's because werewolves need fresh meat to survive, not processed food on a stick!

All in all, I think I'll be seeing this movie this weekend, because it looks Hi-sterical. Here's hoping Twilight is this funny.

Twilight 2: Adventureland starts Friday at theatres everywhere. This movie is rated R for vampires and werewolves, probably, although you never really see them doing anything, they just work at an amusement park, so what's the big deal?

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