If Everybody in <I>Night at the Museum 2</I> Got in a Fight… I know I'm pretty much alone on this, but I have to admit that I'm a Night at the Museum apologist. People like to rip on this franchise a lot, and they're not wrong -- it ain't high art, or high comedy, and it doesn't even remotely try to be historically accurate or believable in any way -- but, to be frank, whatever. I think the first movie is fun for what it is, and I enjoy it every time I watch it for its stellar cast and shiny effects. I'd rather save my knee-jerk hatred for things like Paul Blart and Dance Flick, is what I'm saying. And while the previous installment was a heist movie, this one promises to be a battle! At the Smithsonian! I am so in! And I don't even know who's fighting who or what they're even fighting about! Which doesn't matter much -- I suspect a great reason for the battle won't even be given during the film, but nevertheless let's take a look at the new army and see where they fall in battle usefulness.

Al Capone (Jon Bernthal)
Well he was in the Italian mafia, obviously, and that Deadliest Warrior show says they could even beat the Yakuza in a fight! I know! I couldn't believe it either! Capone's tough, street-smart and handy with an early edition automatic weapon. On a scale of one to ten -- one being Ricky Gervais's museum curator and ten being, I don't know, Chev Chelios from Crank -- I'm giving Capone a 10!

Amelia Earhart (Amy Adams)
Assuming pop culture's depiction of her is in any way accurate, she certainly has pluck. I'll give her that. And if it became an air-fight situation, she'd be handy I suppose. If it were Hilary Swank Amelia Earhart, I'd give her a 6, but since it's the demure Amy Adams Amelia Earhart, I'm giving her an affectionate 3.

Theodore Roosevelt (Robin Williams)
Please, T. Rex is badass even when he's fake and knows it, plus he's got the cavalry. 10.

Oscar the Grouch (Caroll Spinney)
He'll repel you with his fumes and misery! He's like a non-showering House, with a pretty sweet garbage lid shield. 6.

Not One, But Two Tuskegee Airmen! (Keith Powell, Craig Robinson)
Well, they're trained soldiers, so obviously that's quite useful in a war. Plus, they can fly! 10.

Egyptian Prince Kah Mun Rah (Hank Azaria)
They made up this character for the movie, but if he's ancient Eygptian and a prince, I'm going to wager he's very superstitious and very spoiled, which means he could be easily outsmarted and tired out if left undefended by his mummies. 3.

Ivan The Terrible (Christopher Guest)
Ivan was considered very intelligent, and he picked a fight with the Swedes back when they were scary, so the guy has some boldness going on, plus the intimidation factor of a name like Mr. The Terrible. He also commissioned the construction of St. Basil's Cathedral, which means he... likes meringue? Anyway, he's obviously pretty hardcore, even though Wikipedia says he went crazy sometimes. Crazy is good in war! I'm giving him a 9.

Attila the Hun (Patrick Gallagher)
Whoa, 10. This guy is so scary. He killed everybody from Asia to Germany, and I don't think very many of them died nicely. I'm changing his score to a 47, army or no army.

Albert Einstein Bobbleheads (Voiced by Eugene Levy)
Don't know which would be less useful in a fight, Eugene Levy or Albert Einstein bobbleheads. I guess one bobblehead could appoint himself General and throw his bobblehead comrades at the opposition. It might work for a minute. 2.

Darth Vader (Thomas Morely)
He's scary as well of course, but we know for a fact that he can be defeated in the solo hand-to-hand. We also know he'll be a real drama queen about it, though, which is pretty effectively distracting. Still, he's primarily upper management, and without the Death Star or Imperial Storm Troopers, he's just a ball o' peach fuzz in a helmet. 3.

Christopher Columbus (Pierfrancesco Favino)
Ugh, this guy. He'd probably get lost on the way to the fight. (New World zing!) 1.

Napoleon Bonaparte (Alain Chabat)
He's famous for being short and banished, but a lot of people forget that he's also famous for conquering a massive ice cream headache in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. 10.

The Wright Brothers (Thomas Lennon and Robert Ben Garant)
So many flying people in this war! Anyway, these two are industrious, resourceful and brilliant, so they could probably fashion quick and dirty weapons on the fly (ha!) if need be. Plus they have all that law enforcement training from being on Reno 911! for so long. 7.

Thoughts on the franchise? Napoleon? Ice cream headaches? Leave 'em below!




Get the most of your experience.
Share the Snark!

See content relevant to you based on what your friends are reading and watching.

Share your activity with your friends to Facebook's News Feed, Timeline and Ticker.

Stay in Control: Delete any item from your activity that you choose not to share.



Movies Without Pity

October 2013


December 2012


October 2012


September 2012


The Latest Activity On TwOP