It seems everyone, from high-ranking Hollywood executives to Joe car enthusiasts to hipster entertainment columnists, knew that Fast & Furious would do well in theaters this past weekend. After all, the only other new film was the indie comedy Adventureland, which isn't exactly Superbad, and the biggest threat from last weekend's holdovers was the kid-targeted Monsters vs. Aliens. But the film actually surpassed expectations, bringing in $72 million in the U.S. alone, giving it the biggest April opening of all time, plus another $30 mill from overseas. All of a sudden, Vin Diesel, Michelle Rodriguez, Paul Walker and Jordana Brewster are moneymakers, and they're gonna be getting a lot of offers in the wake of this. If this smart-ass entertainment columnist may offer some suggestions, I've got a multi-part plan for success for each of them.
1. Sign on for another Fast & Furious. You know the offer will come, and the ending of this film totally sets up another one. I suggest a race through the Australian outback, with the title Faster & More Furious. Also, get back-to-basics sequels to XXX and Riddick off the ground. It's all about the franchises, baby!
2. Do not make your movie about Hannibal. Seriously, nobody wants to see you in a historical epic. In fact, nobody wants to see historical epics, period.
3. Follow up on that desire to play a comic-book villain in a superhero movie, because it's the role you were born to play. (I suggest The Absorbing Man, who fights The Hulk and Thor, or The Rhino, who fights Spider-Man.) Maybe you're just holding out for the right role, but you should really wake up and smell the spandex.
1. Okay, so you're obviously out of this franchise, but you should get on another one right away. Three words: Blue Crush 2.
2. Two more words: Girlfight 2. Seriously, Girlfight earned you Oscar buzz, back when you were just breaking in, but after the first Fast and the Furious, it was all downhill. Do some more indie stuff, and you could earn back some of the cred you used to have.
3. Try to stay out of jail. If you can do that one simple thing, you may actually build some momentum.
1. As we said to Mr. Diesel, do another Fast & Furious. These are the only movies we remember seeing you in, besides that one with the dogs and the one where Jessica Alba wore a bikini the whole time.
2. Do something quirky, like with a Wes Anderson or Michel Gondry-type. Seriously, all of your roles kind of blend together -- break the mold, man. Try comedy.
3. Try and do more movies (preferably not bad ones) with Neal McDonough. You look like you could play his younger brother, or maybe even his son, depending on how sensitive he is about that sort of thing.
1. As we said to Mr. Diesel and Mr. Walker, take the money and do another Fast & Furious. Because honestly, what are you holding out for, another TV series based on an Angelina Jolie movie?
2. You're young, you're beautiful, why aren't you in more movies? There are like three movies on your resume, and we want to see you in more of them, not in guest spots on Chuck.
3. Four letters. One number. D.E.B.S. 2. Yes, it will go straight to DVD. No, we don't care.
Any advice for Hollywood's newest golden boys and girls? Dish it out below.