Nicholas Sparks is the new Michael Crichton or John Grisham -- insofar as he's more famous for the many movies based on his books as for the books themselves. Except where Crichton wrote about science and Grisham wrote about the law, Sparks writes about schmaltz. His latest schmaltz-fest, Dear John, looks to be yet another tale in the "tragic romance" vein, which makes us wonder if there's a formula to Sparks' books, or at least to the movies based on them. We parsed the plots of his five films to date -- and his upcoming movie with Miley Cyrus -- to see what threads they had in common. (Warning: While their books have been out for a while, the write-ups of the last two films on our list contain minor spoilers, although we could figure out their plots without even seeing them.)

Harry Potter fans, rejoice, because more versions of HP's movies come out than you can shake a wand at. Accio multi-disc gift set!

In the movie Brothers, Natalie Portman is faced with a tough choice -- Jake Gyllenhaal or Tobey Maguire? Maguire plays her husband, a soldier who is believed killed in the war in the Middle East, and Gyllenhaal plays Maguire's brother, who comforts his sibling's wife and daughters. Gyllenhaal and Portman fall in love -- naturally, because, look at them -- but when Maguire is discovered alive, he returns home and finds that his family has moved on without him. Portman has kids with Maguire, and Maguire may have a little bit of post-traumatic something-something going on, which makes the decision a lot more complicated than a simple one-or-the-other choice, but seeing the two in romantic competition with each other got us thinking: Who would we choose, given the choice between all of the characters each actor has played? We paired up logical competitors from Tobey's and Jake's resumes and called out their pros and cons for a romantic, cinematic battle for the ages.

Before you go to see this feel-good romp about a girl who discovers roller derby and first love in the same week, there are a few things you should know about Whip It! (Exclamation theirs. I would have gone with an ellipsis.)

Jennifer's Body, Diablo Cody's latest outing as a screenwriter, is a film of contradictions. I don't mean that in a negative way, but Jennifer's Body is a film that gives credit to teenagers while simultaneously making them look like morons. I'm starting to realize the beautiful nature of Cody's schtick. The dialogue she writes for teen characters overflows with the lukewarm tears of juvenile wisdom. I remember thinking that I knew everything when I was in high school, and Cody's characters portray the false sense of maturity that seems to go along with the pangs of adolescence.

The newest Jennifer Aniston movie opens this weekend, and we already feel weird saying that. If there is such a thing as an "Aniston movie," it's defined by terribleness, and almost certainly does not deserve its own categorization. But it's not like we can call it the latest Aaron Eckhart film, or the newest Brandon Camp picture, because those are both even more preposterous, so we're stuck with it. Luckily, we have zero plans to see the movie, because... well, there are several reasons, really.

According to no less than Mr. Darcy himself, Colin Firth, the sequel to Mamma Mia may not feature the music of ABBA. It may have something to do with ABBA co-founder Benny Andersson refusing to grant permission, but also, how many more great Abba songs are left besides "Fernando"? Both Firth and Andersson have floated the idea of a new musical artist's back catalog providing the film's soundtrack, so we looked at five artists who didn't already have their own musicals (sorry, Billy Joel and the Beatles) to see what sort of plot we could put together from their songs.

In Hollywood, apparently all you need to establish "nerdy" is a pair of glasses, limp hair and some frumpy clothing. Unfortunately, while unusual-looking leading men are plentiful in Hollywood, unusual-looking leading women must be in short supply, because the movies have a tendency to "nerd up" gorgeous young starlets and try to convince us that they are friendless outcasts. In Jennifer's Body, Amanda Seyfried dons the glasses to play the nerdy, less-popular friend of Megan Fox, despite being every bit as pretty -- as if her friend wouldn't give her any fashion tips! Ellen Page will similarly nerd up for Whip It next month, and the pair have gotten us thinking about the other adorable women of Hollywood who have worn the glasses, the lab coats and the sweats of the nerd. Keep in mind that this list doesn't include the generally frumped-up (Cameron Diaz in Being John Malkovich), the nerdy-in-flashback (Drew Barrymore in Never Been Kissed) and the supermodel scientists that aren't even trying (any female mathematician or computer tech in a James Bond movie).

It's a question I wonder about a lot. 2001 was a great year for Kate Beckinsale -- she had both a successful John Cusack romantic comedy and a mammoth Michael Bay blockbuster in Serendipity and Pearl Harbor out, respectively, two terrible movies that seemed to be unavoidable star-launching events. Not to mention the fact that she is one of the most gorgeous people in the history of gorgeous people, and that on top of all of it she can actually act. So, why didn't she become a hugely popular movie star? Or even one of the Awards show ball hogs like Kate Winslet or Hilary Swank? Why did she make Vacancy? Why does she have to be in the unfortunate-looking Whiteout right now, when by all accounts she should be starring in award bait and blockbusters?

I Want My DVD was getting out of control, so drastic action has been taken. No, we haven't instituted a ban on Mickey Rourke -- the dude will act in anything, but we'll still cover all of his movies, even the weird ones. No, we've removed TV shows from the mix and given them their own home. For the latest television releases, you can check out TV on DVD over in the Telefile. All movie releases will remain right here, just in time for us to call out one of our favorite movies of the year, as well as a couple of the worst.