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Poltergeist Remake Builds on Ancient Screenplay Ground They're herrrrrre!And they're being remaaaaaaaade!!! The Poltergeist remake has found two screenwriters willing to build their story on ancient (circa. 1982) screenplay burial ground. Juliet Snowden and Stiles White will be taking the Freelings through their latest encounter with ghosts who pull little girls into the TV. The original is a classic that still scares me (I hate clowns...) and I'm disgusted that this is even being considered. Especially since, according to an episode of True Hollywood Story, the Poltergeist series is cursed. Since I can't stop them from making it, I can at least hope CNN's kidnap-happy Nancy Grace has a cameo.

Here's how Snowden and White can make it up to me. I learned that they wrote a remake of The Birds, which should automatically make the ghosts suck them into the toilet bowl of someone with food poisoning, but there will be forgiveness if they use one of my ideas:

Have Carole Anne's misadventure inside the TV turn into a reality program. Call it Help! Pissed Off Indian Ghosts Are Holding Me Hostage! We'll watch Carole Anne as she's trapped inside a mansion with five other sucked-into-the-TV girls who fit the typical reality TV stereotypes. There's the shy one, the bitch, the slut, the conniver and the Omarosa. Carole Anne is the innocent, naïve one, but that's because she's six. Every week, one of the cast is voted off by the American public. The Freelings get everyone in their friends and family plan to vote for Carole Anne to stay on the show, but it's not enough. She gets booted off, much to our horror. Ryan Seacrest tells her "Carole Anne, the American public has spoken! Go into the light!"

Make Carole Anne like Woody Allen's Zelig, the chameleon-like character who changes based on who he's around. As the Freelings' little boy flips channels with the remote control he got from a weird remote control salesman (played in a cameo by Christopher Walken), Carole Anne changes to fit the program she's on. CLICK! Ooh! She's on Queer Eye! CLICK! Ooh! She's a rap hoochie on BET! CLICK! Ooh, she's Hannah Montana! CLICK! She's hitting Jerry Springer with a chair! Eventually, Carole Anne gets clicked onto Nancy Grace's show just as she's screaming "where is your little girl?!!" at the Freelings. Carole Anne lands on Grace's head with a huge bang! I'll bet they use this one -- who doesn't like a happy ending?

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