BLOGS

I Ain't Afraid of No Ghosts! (Yes I Am)

by Lauren Gitlin October 29, 2008 2:46 pm
I Ain't Afraid of No Ghosts! (Yes I Am) As they do every Halloween-time, TV programmer people are unloading a barrage of scary movies this week, and I for one will not be watching any of them. As you might have gleaned from previous things I've written, I do not like being scared. I don't like the dark. I don't like ghosts or anything paranormal -- unless it is a sexy vampire, but that is pushing it people! Call me staid, boring, namby pamby. But if you insist on making me sit through Saw or Hostel or even the vintage shiz like The Exorcist and, like, Friday the 13th, you will have only yourself to blame when I pee on your couch.

I've culled a few of this week's spooky offerings from my trusty TV schedule and come up with fitting alternatives to the horror pics in an effort to combat the shrieky, jittery feelings I get when confronted with the likes of Jason, Freddy, Chuckie and Satan. If you're like me, you'll appreciate this little round-up. And if you're not, you'll enjoy laughing at my wussy ass. If anyone's looking for me, I'll be hiding under my blanket from now til November 1st with my arsenal of rom-com DVDs.

Scary-ass movie -- Jason Goes to Hell : The Final Friday I don't care what you say about the Friday the 13th franchise and its scariness or lack thereof; a sociopathic murderer and hell? No thanks!
Pablum alternative -- Never Been Kissed The sort of genial drivel that Drew Barrymore's cornered the market on is perfect for making me forget all about ghosts and monsters and cold-blooded killers. The only thing scary about this movie is Drew's unfortunate hairdo.

Scary-ass movie -- Bride of Chuckie People seem to think that horror movies involving toys are kitschy and harmless, but those people never grew up with my Cabbage Patch doll, Frieda Henrietta, whom I'm convinced to this day had designs on offing me.
Pablum alternative -- The Simpsons Movie Nothing like a gaggle of kooky yellow cartoon characters to get the bloody, gory, yucky taste out of your mouth.

Scary-ass movie --Burnt Offerings I'd never heard of this movie but the title alone makes me nervous that there are gonna be human sacrifices and other things I don't want to think about. Also, it stars Bette Davis in her later years, which is terrifying in itself.
Pablum alternative -- Two Weeks Notice Sandra Bullock and Hugh Grant. Enough said.

Scary-ass movie -- Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare As if! Still a nightmare, and I'm still not watching it.
Pablum alternative -- Erin Brockovich I can usually count on Julia to make me forget the probability that there's a devil-possessed knife-wielding lunatic outside my bedroom window. And when she plays a crusading single mom with a propensity for wearing cleavage-y outfits, I start adopting the attitude I could very well kick that lunatic's ass -- with my boobs, even!

Scary-ass movie -- Saw II Guess what? Watching people saw off their appendages is not my idea of a good time. Still.
Pablum alternative -- Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story John C. Reilly's very existence is enough to make me warm and fuzzy all over. This silly Walk the Line parody erases any memory I might have of watching someone get disemboweled.

Scary-ass movie -- Poltergeist This is the only movie on this list I've actually seen, and it may well be why I haven't seen a horror movie since. The scene where the scientist dude picks his face off in the mirror haunts me to this day.
Pablum alternative -- Meet the Parents Any movie in which the protagonist's name is Gaylord Focker is aces in my book. Sure it's not highbrow, but it beats blood and guts fare any day.

Scary-ass movie -- The Hills Have Eyes Inbred genetic mutant cannibals? I'm gonna go ahead and pass, thanks.
Pablum alternative -- Waynes World Party time? Excellent!

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