Full disclosure: I own no end of movie memorabilia. In addition to the numerous action figures that decorate my home and office, I also own posters, novelizations and commemorative glasses out the wazoo. (My latest acquisition: a hardcover of Romancing the Stone, by Joan Wilder! The Joan Wilder!) And I also love the movie Idiocracy. Not only is it a brilliant satire about the direction this country is going in (with pretty impressive background paintings for what must have been a pretty small budget), it's got a great cast -- I could watch Luke Wilson and Maya Rudolph read a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure book for an hour and a half and enjoy the hell out of it. But as much as I love it, I don't know if I can buy Idiocracy merchandise, let alone an Idiocracy-themed beverage.
Brawndo, the electrolytes-packed sports beverage that replaces water in the future world of the film, is at a store near you right now. (Well, maybe -- you can also order it online.) And while it has dual function as both a film collectible and a tasty-yet-ironic energy beverage, it seems to be more of a tribute to the movie than anything else -- which makes sense, since the company making it is called Omni Consumer Products, a tribute to the fictional corporation in Robocop. I certainly can understand the desire to show love for Idiocracy, considering the lack of love shown to it when it was released in 2006 in only 130 theatres, but it's the next product OCP is making that has me terribly worried: Sex Panther Cologne.
That's right -- the cologne from Anchorman. Now, while Brawndo won't grow crops, it is at least a functioning energy drink. (It contains caffeine. And electrolytes!) But will Sex Panther reek as bad as the cologne in the movie? Like a dirty diaper full of Indian food? Or will it merely be a strong cologne, which I'm not sure anyone needs or should be given access to? I know the Website is already designed, but here are a few products that I think OCP should go after first:
- Happy Fun Ball - The classic toy product advertised on Saturday Night Live is made from an unknown glowing substance that fell to Earth, presumably from outer space. While it's not as easy an ingredient to replicate as electrolytes, it would still probably be a lot cheaper to manufacture than Big Red, the spinning, blood-spurting Viking. The list of safety warnings, however, would be sizable.
- Samuel Jackson Beer - From The Chappelle Show comes this fine beverage, shilled by Samuel Jackson (Chappelle) in a colonial outfit. Granted, the licensing issues may be a little complicated, but if every six-pack came with a talking bottle opener that said, "Yes, they deserved to die, and I hope they burn in hell!" it would sell like gangbusters.
- Nukem! Board Game - This family home game seen in Robocop is all about dropping the big one. No other board game involves military aid, a line of death, and Pakistan threatening your border -- at least, not since Risk's ill-conceived Iran/Contra edition. If OCP can replicate the giant mushroom cloud, they'll be doing the Butler Brothers proud.